TMTS
08-22-2005, 09:10 PM
Ever see a sci-fi movie? You know... aliens, monsters, mutants, clones, UFOs, zombies, dinosaurs, evil dolls, etc. etc. etc.? Ever notice that someone dies like... horribly?
This doesn't have to be you!
This short and relatively easy to read guide will be sure to come in handy the next time the dead start crawling up from the ground in your basement. Don't have a flamethrower or a gun? Not a problem anymore! We'll list several alternative ways to solve your paranormal problem in a jiffy.
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- =# Zombies #= -
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Introduction:
Zombies, or the undead, are reanimated corpses, of course being ones that have already died. These rise out of the ground and often attack random pedestrians for reasons top paranormal investigators are still debating. Many a time these creatures will form massive hoards, armies, or mobs, and overwhelm any opponent with lots of numbers.
How to Stop Them:
As Zombies don't USUALLY have blood, or really any vital organs, they are very dispensable. Usually controlled by another being of great magical strength, they are ideal warriors for losing limbs does NOT STOP THEM.
Seeing as physical damage is not possible, you have to devise simple solutions.
We now catagorize zombies into TWO groups, defined by motives-
1- Self gain
2- Pawns
The first are the kind that typically attack mortals for brains, blood (see vampires), hearts (in rare cases), or other vital organs. They will rarely ask for an extra kidney, or even your apendex. These things won't stop you from living, and have no magical purposes yet to be identified. Brains seem to be the usual target, although medical... people have yet to make successful brain transplants with perfect operating abilities, we have yet to really know what it is they DO with brains.
As some films suggest, the zombies EAT the brain, although in humans, eating the brain of another does not provide any more significant nutritional values as opposed to ....err... normal foods. Perhaps zombies prefer the taste of brains, but cannibals report the general human tasting a lot like chicken. Why they don't attack farm animals is unknown.
The pawns, on the other hand, will slay humans, or take them away to another place, usually to be later sacrificed or killed in another grizzly manner. These are more deadly as their intents are usually homicide.
We have yet to determine exactly WHY their possessors want to kill people, but it usually makes for a dramatic scene nevertheless.Back to slaying the monster. Seeing as physical damage rarely works, unless you completely de-limb them, (some of them can put themselves back together- proceed with caution). If you're feeling bold, try to burn the corpses to re-death. Assuming they burn to ashes, they most likely cannot harm you in any way afterward. They WILL leave a horrible stench that is hard to get out of furniture, though, so try this endeavor outside.
Another more daring approach is to slay their "leader". This is usually the biggest, scariest, most powerful of the zombies, and is usually too cowardly to approach anyone without you getting through the lesser zombies. On another note- EVEN PAWN ZOMBIES ARE NEVER ALONE. You will NOT see A zombie. There will be zombie-s.Usually everywhere.
This is why many will tell you not to film your endeavor to PROVE there were zombies, as these kinds of things tend to find the press VERY quickly, and they day after there will be global newscasts in the first place.
One last hope is to just escape. Zombies can't fly. I suggest an airport, or escaping to the sea in a small boat. They won't find you... until night time. Avoid lightning storms at all costs, as zombies always seem to materialize at night or in some other creepy setting.
Don't have pity for the zombies. They're never anyone you know, and they all always look the same. They stink up the place, too. Just de-limb them. It's really your only hope. Unless one of your friends knows powerful anti-dark magic. This makes things much easier, although they'll tend to pick off him/her first, leaving you to come up with some risky plan of action.In other words...
Run away or Hack away. Sorry to say, but zombie hoards are rather hard to handle.
##### ===== -----
- =# Ghosts #= -
----- ===== #####
Introduction:
Ghosts are the spirits of dead people. Most of the time they scare people, like zombies, for no know reason at all. Maybe they get a kick out of it. BUT there are BAD GHOSTS TOO! That's right, not every ghost is a regular Casper. They tend to live in or around houses, graveyards, playgrounds, banks, schools, or other old or abandoned places. Pretty much everywhere. Except Mars. The land rover found no sign of ghosts on Mars.
How to stop them:
It's been long speculated that ghosts hate light, cannot stand it, and will shrivel up and disappear when exposed to it. This is not true! Lots of ghosts hang out in broad daylight, inside well-light buildings, and even in the middle of the dessert.
Light will stop MANY ghosts, however, so having a simple flashlight (key chains preferably) or a laser pointer will stop the ghosts! Except... that is... for the REALLY evil ones. Then
you're screwed. No human has constructed a real working proton pack or ghost trap (the main ghost-fighting technologies from the 1986 film Ghostbusters), so unless you find a way to build such things, your best bet is just plain moving out of the house, or staying away from those places.
##### ===== -----
- =# Aliens, UFOs, and Other Things from Outer Space #= -
----- ===== #####
Introduction:
"Things from Outer Space" wasn't enough? *sigh* Aliens are creatures from other planets, far, far away, that are much smarter than us (big surprise) and have master space travel, and are now studying our planet. UFOs are the traditional mode of transport for aliens.
How to stop them:
Don't.
Think of it this way. If they're smart enough to master space travel such a long time ago, don't need an arrangement with NASA to land, and clearly come from light years away... do you really want to piss them off? I wouldn't be surprised if they would whip out the death pistol just then and vaporize your skull clear off your shoulders. DON'T MESS AROUND WITH THE ALIENS!
Just meet their demands. If they seem kind enough, get to know your alien. DON'T get your camera! Chances are it won't have any film, and if it did, they aliens might think the flash on the camera is part of a weapon designed to kill them. Nevertheless, no one would believe you with the speed photo editing is progressing.
If they're aggressive, and ask to be taken to your leader, and you don't want to, take them to your local McDonalds, and run like hell. If you don't want to try their patience, a quick MapQuest run will give you quick directions to the white house.
If they come down with death lasers in massive machines and start killing everyone, (War of the Worlds, anyone?) the solution is so simple... why didn't they think of this before? Hide in the secret passageway in your house..... you do have a secret passageway, don't you? ..... make one then. Basements work best. Store non-perishable food items in there, along with lots of water. People need water for some reason.
Believe it or not, communication with aliens isn't difficult. Nine times out of ten they'll be able to speak English, or won't speak at all. They're smart little b*****ds.
---
Now onto the subject of UFOs. If one lands in your yard, chances are it'll leave a big smoking crater, but the ship itself will be intact.DON'T GO OUT AND INVESTIGATE. Get your neighbors- no one ever seems to think of that. Have more than one person there. It's not going anywhere. Chances are the aliens inside will all be dead
anyway. Also make sure you have someone to operate a video camera.
To open the main door, or locate it for that matter, look for the side that opens (duh!). When you locate it, it should be rather easy to
a) smash it open or
b) it will be open or
c) pry open with a metal rod.
When you open it, get a good look of the inside before entering (if you choose to do so in the first place).Once inside, DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING. For all you know that one knob makes the thing close up and fly right home. YOU WOULDN'T WANT THAT! So just look around inside.
What do you do next? Well, if the police DON'T come (don't call them- they'll take it away and the government will brainwash you and everyone within a 5 mile radius. Trust me. They do that.), just leave the UFO in the yard. It'll make a nice ornament, all shiny and stuff.
More to be added latter.
This doesn't have to be you!
This short and relatively easy to read guide will be sure to come in handy the next time the dead start crawling up from the ground in your basement. Don't have a flamethrower or a gun? Not a problem anymore! We'll list several alternative ways to solve your paranormal problem in a jiffy.
##### ===== -----
- =# Zombies #= -
----- ===== #####
Introduction:
Zombies, or the undead, are reanimated corpses, of course being ones that have already died. These rise out of the ground and often attack random pedestrians for reasons top paranormal investigators are still debating. Many a time these creatures will form massive hoards, armies, or mobs, and overwhelm any opponent with lots of numbers.
How to Stop Them:
As Zombies don't USUALLY have blood, or really any vital organs, they are very dispensable. Usually controlled by another being of great magical strength, they are ideal warriors for losing limbs does NOT STOP THEM.
Seeing as physical damage is not possible, you have to devise simple solutions.
We now catagorize zombies into TWO groups, defined by motives-
1- Self gain
2- Pawns
The first are the kind that typically attack mortals for brains, blood (see vampires), hearts (in rare cases), or other vital organs. They will rarely ask for an extra kidney, or even your apendex. These things won't stop you from living, and have no magical purposes yet to be identified. Brains seem to be the usual target, although medical... people have yet to make successful brain transplants with perfect operating abilities, we have yet to really know what it is they DO with brains.
As some films suggest, the zombies EAT the brain, although in humans, eating the brain of another does not provide any more significant nutritional values as opposed to ....err... normal foods. Perhaps zombies prefer the taste of brains, but cannibals report the general human tasting a lot like chicken. Why they don't attack farm animals is unknown.
The pawns, on the other hand, will slay humans, or take them away to another place, usually to be later sacrificed or killed in another grizzly manner. These are more deadly as their intents are usually homicide.
We have yet to determine exactly WHY their possessors want to kill people, but it usually makes for a dramatic scene nevertheless.Back to slaying the monster. Seeing as physical damage rarely works, unless you completely de-limb them, (some of them can put themselves back together- proceed with caution). If you're feeling bold, try to burn the corpses to re-death. Assuming they burn to ashes, they most likely cannot harm you in any way afterward. They WILL leave a horrible stench that is hard to get out of furniture, though, so try this endeavor outside.
Another more daring approach is to slay their "leader". This is usually the biggest, scariest, most powerful of the zombies, and is usually too cowardly to approach anyone without you getting through the lesser zombies. On another note- EVEN PAWN ZOMBIES ARE NEVER ALONE. You will NOT see A zombie. There will be zombie-s.Usually everywhere.
This is why many will tell you not to film your endeavor to PROVE there were zombies, as these kinds of things tend to find the press VERY quickly, and they day after there will be global newscasts in the first place.
One last hope is to just escape. Zombies can't fly. I suggest an airport, or escaping to the sea in a small boat. They won't find you... until night time. Avoid lightning storms at all costs, as zombies always seem to materialize at night or in some other creepy setting.
Don't have pity for the zombies. They're never anyone you know, and they all always look the same. They stink up the place, too. Just de-limb them. It's really your only hope. Unless one of your friends knows powerful anti-dark magic. This makes things much easier, although they'll tend to pick off him/her first, leaving you to come up with some risky plan of action.In other words...
Run away or Hack away. Sorry to say, but zombie hoards are rather hard to handle.
##### ===== -----
- =# Ghosts #= -
----- ===== #####
Introduction:
Ghosts are the spirits of dead people. Most of the time they scare people, like zombies, for no know reason at all. Maybe they get a kick out of it. BUT there are BAD GHOSTS TOO! That's right, not every ghost is a regular Casper. They tend to live in or around houses, graveyards, playgrounds, banks, schools, or other old or abandoned places. Pretty much everywhere. Except Mars. The land rover found no sign of ghosts on Mars.
How to stop them:
It's been long speculated that ghosts hate light, cannot stand it, and will shrivel up and disappear when exposed to it. This is not true! Lots of ghosts hang out in broad daylight, inside well-light buildings, and even in the middle of the dessert.
Light will stop MANY ghosts, however, so having a simple flashlight (key chains preferably) or a laser pointer will stop the ghosts! Except... that is... for the REALLY evil ones. Then
you're screwed. No human has constructed a real working proton pack or ghost trap (the main ghost-fighting technologies from the 1986 film Ghostbusters), so unless you find a way to build such things, your best bet is just plain moving out of the house, or staying away from those places.
##### ===== -----
- =# Aliens, UFOs, and Other Things from Outer Space #= -
----- ===== #####
Introduction:
"Things from Outer Space" wasn't enough? *sigh* Aliens are creatures from other planets, far, far away, that are much smarter than us (big surprise) and have master space travel, and are now studying our planet. UFOs are the traditional mode of transport for aliens.
How to stop them:
Don't.
Think of it this way. If they're smart enough to master space travel such a long time ago, don't need an arrangement with NASA to land, and clearly come from light years away... do you really want to piss them off? I wouldn't be surprised if they would whip out the death pistol just then and vaporize your skull clear off your shoulders. DON'T MESS AROUND WITH THE ALIENS!
Just meet their demands. If they seem kind enough, get to know your alien. DON'T get your camera! Chances are it won't have any film, and if it did, they aliens might think the flash on the camera is part of a weapon designed to kill them. Nevertheless, no one would believe you with the speed photo editing is progressing.
If they're aggressive, and ask to be taken to your leader, and you don't want to, take them to your local McDonalds, and run like hell. If you don't want to try their patience, a quick MapQuest run will give you quick directions to the white house.
If they come down with death lasers in massive machines and start killing everyone, (War of the Worlds, anyone?) the solution is so simple... why didn't they think of this before? Hide in the secret passageway in your house..... you do have a secret passageway, don't you? ..... make one then. Basements work best. Store non-perishable food items in there, along with lots of water. People need water for some reason.
Believe it or not, communication with aliens isn't difficult. Nine times out of ten they'll be able to speak English, or won't speak at all. They're smart little b*****ds.
---
Now onto the subject of UFOs. If one lands in your yard, chances are it'll leave a big smoking crater, but the ship itself will be intact.DON'T GO OUT AND INVESTIGATE. Get your neighbors- no one ever seems to think of that. Have more than one person there. It's not going anywhere. Chances are the aliens inside will all be dead
anyway. Also make sure you have someone to operate a video camera.
To open the main door, or locate it for that matter, look for the side that opens (duh!). When you locate it, it should be rather easy to
a) smash it open or
b) it will be open or
c) pry open with a metal rod.
When you open it, get a good look of the inside before entering (if you choose to do so in the first place).Once inside, DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING. For all you know that one knob makes the thing close up and fly right home. YOU WOULDN'T WANT THAT! So just look around inside.
What do you do next? Well, if the police DON'T come (don't call them- they'll take it away and the government will brainwash you and everyone within a 5 mile radius. Trust me. They do that.), just leave the UFO in the yard. It'll make a nice ornament, all shiny and stuff.
More to be added latter.