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Chaos_Control
08-27-2005, 03:35 PM
There are fvie teenagers, and hopefully a sixth will come along a bi alter in the fic, after the first five digidestined get the first five spirit digieggs, but before their digimon learn mega digivolutions (their default in the digital world in the digital world is ultimate, but in the real world, their default level is rookie), they have to save both worlds from the evil "Devil rat" Yugimon

The digidestened, and theri digimon (ultimate level)(So far, when the sixth comes alont, I will post him and his digimon's data)

Eric, our gogglehead, he is the boy trainer from Pokemon Emerald, and he has the average gogglehead personality, eh is 13 years old, the second youngest, but the leader, his digimon is the lizard-like Komodomon.

Brian, our 14-year old equivalent to Matt from season 1, and the boy trainer from pokemon FR/LG, his digimon is Pikamon, a digimo nthat is so much like Pikachu, it's scary

Seth, our hopeful small 10-year old, like Masato from the Pokemon anime, only he has browner hair and wears blue, his digimon is Ospremon, an Egyptian bird-of-prey digimon, related to the Biyomon and Angemon lines

Justin, our 16 year old goth, who is similar to Eric, only shorter, and wears all black, even the so-called "hat", his digimon is the ape-like Orangumon

Jolene, our only girl, 18 year old, she is the average girly girl of our group, but is kinda like a tomboy, her digimon is the pink amphiboius alien, Gerlimon

the season 4 digidestiend make apparances here, because this fanfic is the SEQUEL to season 4.

Chapter 1
Intiimon's Inferno

our heroes, who just got to the digital world, found their digimon in Badgermon village, which was udner attack by Yugimon's goons, Eric said "Damn, what the HELL is wrong with that frickin' devil rat?"
Komodomon said "****!" DarkMagimon, an evil digimon led the assault on Badgermon, Komodomn went into the village, tripped and found AncientGreymon's spirit digiegg, Takuya was there, as Agunimon, and Komodomon took the egg and brought it to Eric, who said "SPIRIT ARMOR UP!" Takuya became BurningGreymon, but was still getting pummeled by DarkMagimon, and became Aldamon, Komodomon fused With Eric, becoming a dark brown dragon, then all the AcientGreymon parts came onto him and he shouted "INTIIMON! LORD OF THE FLAMES!"" Intiimon went to fight with Aldamon and used his Firaga blast and Pyro Nuke attacks on DarkMagimon, and our heroeswon, Eric, the egg, and Komodomon defused and Takuya went out fo the portal on Trailmon, Badgermon village was saved, and two odd looking digimon came out of the vilalge, one was brown and dog like and rock hard, the other was lieka mix between an armadillo on crack and Sandslash. They were Fangesumon and Kuributemon. Our heroes went out of the digital world on a Trailmon and their digimon dedigivovled into Rookie on the way, Komodomon became Chackymon, Pikamon became Ekidomon, Orangumon became Leemon, Gerlimon became Kandimon, and Ospremon becam Falcomon.

Chaos_Control
08-28-2005, 01:35 PM
Chapter 2
AmonRamon and Emulator island

Our heroes got out of the digital world, and they took the night off, only to be woken up at four in the morning, by their digivices, and their digimon, who were trying to wake them up, and they had to go back to the digital world, threw their computers and their digimon digivolved into Ultimate again. Kuributemon and Fangesumon met them on Emulator Island, which where HiAndromon, one of Yugimon's minions, and Andromon's mega level, has taken over. When they got there , Lobomon was getting pummelled, and had to become KendoGarurumon, but it STILL wasn't enough, so he became Beowulfmon, Ospremon got hit in the head by a spirit digiegg, AncientGarurumon's to be exact, and he flew it over to Seth and Seth, Ospremon, and the egg fused together to become what would be similar a white Pidgeot pokemon, and all the AncientGarurumon armor came on him, including the blades, and shouted "AMONRAMON! THE LIGHT IN THE SKY!" and Eric, AncientGreymon's egg, and Komodomon became Intiimon, HiAndromon tried to delete Beowulfmon, but he got attacked by the two spirit armor digimon, and AmonRamon used his Sonic Blade and Twin Falcons attacks, while Intiimon used Pyro Nuke and Firaga blast to finish it off, and they both defused, and HiAndromon fell down and was destroyed, almost crushing Kuributemon and Fangesumon, who said "HOT DAMN!" and our heroes went back to the real word and a Submarimon and they got back and their digimon became rookie and finally got some rest.

Pika57
08-29-2005, 11:25 AM
Okay this story can definitely use improvement, so i'll grade it with the gradeing scale used on URPG stories. I need practice with it anyway.

Story: No originality. I know its a sequel to Season Four but most of it isn't very creative. It combines ideas from seasons 4 and 3 with very little new material. Also you need to post whether or not the time line was altered(whether the main story from season four) would have had to have been changed. Also the bad guys. I know its supposed to be funny but its just to corny to be funny. Also no length. it needs to be much longer. Also try to let character emotions be shown in your stories. People want to know more then what the character summary tells them.

Grammer:There are many mistakes here. Almost all of your sentences are run-ons. alao in many cases you have unecesary words.
EX

Our heroes got out of the digital world, and they took the night off, only to be woken up at four in the morning, by their digivices, and their digimon, who were trying to wake them up, and they had to go back to the digital world, threw their computers and their digimon digivolved into Ultimate again.

It should be

Our heroes got out of the digital world, and took the night off. They were woken at four in the morning by their digimon, and their digivices. They returned to the digital world through their computers, and their digimon returned to their Ultimate Level.

You also need to work on doing quotations correctly. Every time something is in quotes a new paragraph should start. Also don't forget to capitalize the titles of villages, and such. I will also correct a few other errors.
EX
our heroes, who just got to the digital world, found their digimon in Badgermon village, which was udner attack by Yugimon's goons, Eric said "Damn, what the HELL is wrong with that frickin' devil rat?"

Our heroes, who had just arrived in the Digital World, found their Digimon in Badgermon Village, which was being attacked by Yugimons' goons.

"****, what the **** is wrong with that ******' devil rat?", Eric said.



Detail: Very little detail. You definitely need to add some in. Here is an example.
EX
Intiimon went to fight with Aldamon and used his Firaga blast and Pyro Nuke attacks on DarkMagimon, and our heroes won.

Intiimon ran to Aldamon's side and began to attack Darkmagimon. the evil Digimon was unprepared for this new opponent, and was stunned by his appearance. Intiimon fired a Firaga Blast at Darkmagimon, who barely managed to dodge it. The two were soon battling head to head, both struggling to get the upper hand......

You get the idea.

Tips: Try to improve the stories content by making the storiy longer, and try to show both the human characters as well as their partners emotions. Try to add some details to the overall story(for instance you could have described Badgermon Village) and battle scenes.
Go back and check over your story for grammar issues. There are plenty of them including run-ons, incorrect quotations, and many unnecesary commas. its a good idea for a chapter to take up at least 3 MSWord pages but I think two would be fine.

Chaos_Control
08-29-2005, 08:13 PM
Chapter 3
having a Wildemon time

When our heroes got up in the morning, they went to the digital world to the Glaicer Grotto, and Kuributemon and Fangesumon were talking to Tommy, who was Kumamon, the human spirit of ice, when their conversation got interuppted by Blizzamon, and he was one of Yugimon's goons, and Orangumon gave him the finger, and said "SCREW YOU!" Orangumon found the spirit egg of AncientMegatheriumon, and brought to Justin ,who said "Okay, let's kick some giant lizard ass!' Komodomon said "What the hell, oh! Blimon!" and suddenly Intiimon appeared, and Amonramon appeared, they were Eric and Komodomon, and Seth and Ospremon, and their spirit eggs, Orangumon and Justin fused, becoming an antelope digimon with no horns, and has the same color as orangumon, deep orange, and then AncientMegatheriumon's horns, hair, and other armor came flying onto the newly formed digimon, and it groanfed "WILDEMON! THE FREEZING BEAST!" and Wildemon said "INTIIMON! AMONRAMON! WHATEVER YOU DO! DON'T USE ANY ATTACKS! LEAVE IT TO ME!" and used his Blizagga horn attack and rammed into Blimon, who said "WATCH MY BLING BLING YO!' Kumamon became Korikakkumon, and attacked Blimon with his axes, but it didin;t doe much, so he became the pospicle wielding Daipenmon, who then delivered the finishing blow to Blimon, and then, our spirit armor digimon defused, and our Brian and Jolene wondered when they will find their spirit digieggs.

Mitsuko Souma
10-09-2005, 11:45 PM
I think I may know you from somewhere else, and you have the same fanfic style. Very little description, too much of nothing. Okay plotline, but needs more detail to be complete.

Pika57
10-11-2005, 01:15 AM
I think I may know you from somewhere else, and you have the same fanfic style. Very little description, too much of nothing. Okay plotline, but needs more detail to be complete.

Hes on PC. One winged Angel. he has started at least 4 digimon rps that never got goin in the last month on it.

Mitsuko Souma
11-05-2005, 06:43 PM
Hes on PC. One winged Angel. he has started at least 4 digimon rps that never got goin in the last month on it.
He's also on Mews Hangout. Leopardgeckohugger. He started a really good Digimon RPG, except a girl and myself were really the only two posters. He was never on. So...yeah.