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View Full Version : [Other] Saved The Middle! PG-13


Silver_Arrow
10-22-2011, 05:38 PM
Hello there, PE2K community. I've been practicing my point of view writing for a while now and I figure it would be good to get some constructive criticism. Now I'd like to note that when I write it plays out in my head like I am watching a movie. So, if the story seems to become choppy and/or jumpy, feel free to tell me. Just noting that is the reason why. Enjoy :)
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Metal groaned around me. It was hot, and I mean like someone set the furnace on hell hot. Slowly, my vision started to return to normal. Light was shining through, what looked like, a small cave opening. I reached up and pushed my hand out. It was actually just leather from the seats that had been torn a little. I managed to grab hold of something just outside of the leather. It was a rail. Grabbing with the other hand, I slowly pulled myself out of the mangled steel frame. I was dizzy, but I could stand. Turning, I noticed just where I was. I was on a bridge, and apparently in a car accident. I was just in a car, actually. Or what was left of the car anyway. A scream caught my attention, causing me to look to my left. There was a crowd forming behind a line of cars that were meshed together.

The crowd was yelling and pointing. A few in the front were trying to get my attention. One man yelled from somewhere off to the side.
" Oh god someone call for help!" This puzzled me. So, I turned shakily to my right to notice a terrible sight. A police car had collided with a tanker, pretty much melding the front end of the smaller vehicle into the tank part. I started to walk toward it. I wobbled, of course, but I was starting to get a better feel for this walking thing, ha. By now my vision was just about perfectly normal. Looking ahead I could see that whoever was driving wasn't there anymore. Later, I learned that the police officer had been thrown out before the wreck actually happened. However, there WAS someone in the passenger seat. From the look of it the person was man. He had pretty broad shoulders and was slumped over to the right. I walked a few feet further and noticed another disturbing thing. There was a little girl standing on the back seat. She was shaking the man the best she could. Another step was taken. Just then, popping sounds began to go off. A weapon was still in the car, and the extra rounds were going off. A heard a few whiz by me. And then I lurched. My legs were buckling. Looking down I saw blood oozing out of my right side. A wild round had struck me. I was shot. A woman screamed again. Actually, I think it was the same woman. I tried to move, but I couldn't. I tried again. I was shifting, but I wasn't making any progress. " I can't.." I thought. " I can't stop..." Suddenly, someone yelled from the crowd. I recognized the voice, but I just couldn't put my finger on it.
" Keep moving, damn you! Keep moving! Keep moving!" Now I'm pretty sure other profanities were mixed in with that, but I really could hear that well. Whoever had yelled that had pulled something out of me. I took a step forward..and then another...and another until I reached the car door. I slumped against it. Weakly, I tapped the window with my left arm. I was trying to break it, but it was basically a noodle. I growled, switching to my right arm.
" Stand back!" I yelled. My voice was cracking into a very high pitched squeal. I attributed it to the stress of the situation. The girl, hearing me, covered her face. I pulled my arm back. The muscle stood out when I tightened it. Strange, my muscles normally didn't do that. I slammed my fist into the window, shattering it. With little effort, I popped out the mesh on the inside of the window. I pulled her out, whispering, " It's alright sweetie. I've got you. Don't worry. " The crowd was cheering when I was about two thirds of the way back. When suddenly, a small explosion erupted from the cab of the eighteen wheeler. Shrapnel went in all directions. Sadly, I seemed to be a target for things like this today. A piece of the shrapnel pierced my right shoulder, sticking out of my front. Blood splattered on the girls face. I was frozen. This was it. I had hit the wall. I looked forward. The crowd was leaning over the wreckage, reaching out. I don't know how, but I took three steps, pretty much throwing the girl into their arms. I huffed loudly. I could taste blood in my mouth. The crowd took the screaming and flailing girl from my sight and attempted to reach out for me. I glanced down at my side. I was just about done for anyway. Shaking my head, I turned and began to hobble toward the car again. Maybe if I couldn't save myself, I could at least save that guy. Suddenly, not five steps later, the whole thing exploded. Debris rained over the area between the crowd and the tanker. Pieces of red hot metal were cutting me and digging into my body. I started to fall back. I hit the ground. Slowly, my head sort of rolled to the side to see something fly out of the first. It was the body of the man. The body slid up to me, stopping eye to eye. My heart jumped. It was me. That body, was mine. But wait...if that is my body, who's am I using? In the eyes of my lifeless body I could see long, blonde hair rolling down this body's face. I was a woman. Around this time I couldn't hold my consciousness anymore and I began to embrace death.