07-15-2006, 12:46 AM
This thread has two main purposes. 1. An organized place for RolePlay Facility teachers to post gradings. 2. A place for students and teachers to keep track of edited and unfinished posts. Any other Out Of Context topics or questions may also be posted here. Hopefully this will limit the main thread to roleplaying only, and keep out some of the clutter.
Grading 1 (Direct Link) (http://www.pokemonelite2000.com/forum/showpost.php?p=494159&postcount=2)
Grading 2 (Direct Link) (http://www.pokemonelite2000.com/forum/showpost.php?p=494160&postcount=3)
The RPG Learning Facility (http://www.pokemonelite2000.com/forum/showthread.php?t=15795)
Professors In A Fix (RolePlay Facility Advanced RP) (http://www.pokemonelite2000.com/forum/showthread.php?t=18729)
07-15-2006, 12:49 AM
Grading 1 (6/24/06)
xoxkris: The most confusing thing about your post is the sudden change in tenses. You go from past tense to future tense to present tense, sometimes in the same sentence. For example - Pearl glanced down from her balcony. Everything is so peaceful, You went from past tense with "glanced" to present tense with "is". It should read - Pearl glanced down from her balcony. Everything was so peaceful, or Pearl glances down from her balcony. Everything is so peaceful, Though I get the feeling that you meant to use past tense throughout the post. You have done the same thing here - Her thoughts danced over to a TV programme she ocne seen, namely, 'The Brave Ones II'. It's about the black market in Hong Kong, and here - Pearl shook her head. She will NOT perished. There are several other places, but I'll let you go through and find them.
The spelling is often off. Try to catch this with Spellcheck next time.
The next thing is poor choice of words, mainly with verbs. without even spotting what she had typed A better word would be "noticing". "Spotting" is used more when someone is searching for something, or when something stands out to them. Also in this sentence - and 3 brave CIDs who sought to resolve all the mysteries and go undercover, disparaging their upper officer's commands Instead of "resolve" why not just "solve" or "unravel"? "Resolve" is used more when someone has just made a descision about something. And again here - Pysche and her were just too divergent! Instead of "divergent", try "diverse". "Divergent" usually has to do with varying motion, rather than varying personalities.
Pearl spun around, annoyed that something has disturbed her thoughts. When she saw the familiar pale pink, thigh-length hair and sapphire blue eyes, she let her guard down.
"Psyche! I thought you were a theif or something!" Pearl gasped as her dainty fingers moved agilely across the keyboard. "What are you doing at this hour?" In this scene, you say that Pearl spun around. And then all of a sudden she's typing again. You never say that she turned back around while talking to her sister. Naughty, naughty. Pay more attention to these things. =P
One last note. Pearl closed her eyes and clanked her row of teeth against each other in anime syle. Think of a roleplay more like real life. You wouldn't say "in anime style" if you were describing someone's behavior to a friend.
Your writing shows amazing creativity and imagination. I like your style and your posts are always interesting to read. I'm not just saying this either. I really mean it. Keep in mind the things I mentioned above. There's no need to go back and change it (there'd be no point). So just work on improving that stuff in your next post.
Suicune's Child: A flawless post as far as I can tell. We'll see what the others say, but if you have three perfect posts in a row, then I'll have to pass you.
Soncikid01: Woah woah. Where's the description, man? How can anyone get the feel of the situation if you don't give them something to help them envision the scene? That's not meant for you to answer. Now, let's look at the first few sentences - How did it come to this? One minute, I had my dignity, and now this!
Sonickid looked at the flickering TV. News. "...Eeogre, so please watch out for anything suspicious..."
Stupid table. Stupid gum. Ew. When does this place get cleaned?! His dignity has just been insulted, yet you then say that he looks up at the TV to watch the news. Trying changing up the order a bit. Sonickid looked at the flickering TV. News. "...Eeogre, so please watch out for anything suspicious..."
How did it come to this? One minute, I had my dignity, and now this! Stupid table. Stupid gum. Ew. When does this place get cleaned?! And after that you launch into your description of the underside of the table. And about that description... Sonic looked at the dirtiness of his hiding spot. Underneath the Lilycove Restaurant table. Just to find some info on some stupid whale.
Come on, Sonic. Remember your goal. After this, no one will ever pick a fight with "Mr. Wimp" again. And hopefully, they'll make better insults if they ever do. What about the place makes it so dirty? Is it the gum dripping onto your head? the three-day-old fries and salt beneath your knees? or maybe the smell of the hundreds of sneakers that had been there that day? Give me some detail. And we never learn what information he's looking for. "some info on some stupid whale" doesn't seem to fit with the rest of his thoughts and doesn't tell us much about what he's searching for.
The scrawny boy rubbed his bruised arm a bit before suddenly noticing that no one was around the table. He quickly scrambled out from under the red table and through the fancy revolving doors.
Sonickid shot out a colorful orb, and out popped the mushroom pokemon. After he comes out from under the table, he's obviously in a resteraunt. Perfect opportunity for some illustration. He quickly scrambled out from under the red table and dashed across the black and white checkered floor. A burger wrapper flew off one of the tables as he whipped by. See? Now, let's try adding to the sense of urgency that sonic has - He quickly scrambled out from under the red table and dashed across the black and white checkered floor. A burger wrapper flew off one of the tables as he whipped by. A clerk looked up from his sweeping and yelled at the back of the boy just before he swept through the fancy revolving doors and was lost to the man's sight.
What did the news say? Giving Pokemon at that bureau thing? Maybe it'll help me out...
"Breloom!" Sonic yelled, latching onto his Pokemon's arm, "Take me to that bureau place! Hurry! Before they run out of Pokemon!" Now we need to get our facts straight here. Your writing never mentioned the news anchor saying anything about the Buruea requesting the help of expert trainers for an undercover assignment. And frankly, it's unlikely that they would allow that information to be broadcast all over the news. Especially not if it was an undercover mission. It's more likely that you would recieve a phone call, email, or letter.
We're down to the last little bit - The fungus nodded and sped off toward the west, Sonic hanging on casually. He soon fell asleep.
Nine hours later, Sonickid was on the ground in front of none other than the bureau. "Thanks," he muttered to his companion as he shot the Breloom back to its Pokeball.
How exactly did it speed off to the west? Describe its motion more. And how did you know where to find the Bureau? You'll failed to mentioned that. Once you do reach the Bureau, describe the scenery. What do you see around you? Is it a building? A group of people? Where are you even?
Your post was extremely confusing, especially since you've edited it. I do want you to retype your post, as I feel you would benefit from it. I realize that the whole scene is a dream, but even dreams need to be in detail. And if you don't include the bit and how you know where to find the Bureau, don't worry about it. Consider everything I said, but please do not be discouraged. We are all here to learn. This is just all part of that process.
07-15-2006, 12:50 AM
I was going to put 1 and 2 in the same post but it was too long. :susp:
Grading 2: (7-4-2006)
Vancouver: Surprisingly your post is quite good. Just a few things I'd like you to look at.
Suddenly, he thought of someting.
"Wait a second," Van said to himself, "I've been around criminals before. I know how they work!"
You were doing good up until these sentences. For one, saying "Suddenly" and "Wait a second" to describe the same moment is unessecary. Try removing one, preferably the "Suddenly" as it breaks the flow of the story. Try introducing your character's thoughts slower. For example,
He began thinking about past missions he'd completed when he had an important realization.
"Suddenly, he thought of something" doesn't tell us much.
In reference to "I know how they work", this is poor choice of words. Try "I've seen how they work". It better demonstrates how the character's life will help him in his mission.
Now for more about word choice.
This recollection gave Vancouver new hope. He now knew that this was going to be just another mission for him, just another chance for glory. He got up from his porch, put out his cigarette, and headed back inside. He then lay in his bed, watching TV like common people do.
His problem before was not that he was hopeless; it was more that he was nervous and doubted his ability. You could better represent his current feelings by saying "This recollection settled Vancouver's fears".
The last thing I want to mention is your spelling and grammar. For the most part you did very good. But there's a few places that could be fixed.
I'm not going to ask you to go back and change anything, but just keep this in mind when typing your next post.
Edit/Retype Post: [No]
Scroll: First thing, Repeated words. Look at this paragraph -
He pulled out his black backpack and unzipped it. He pulled out a piece of fade gray paper, the letter, and started reading the letter. Mat started dozing off after reading the first part and fell into his closet on top of a small pile of dirty clothes, the letter still in his hand in a reading position.
You've used the word "pulled" in each of your first two sentences. Add some variety by using different words. You could instead say "He dragged out his black backpack" or "He drew out a piece of faded gray paper". Then in your thrid sentence you've used "in" twice within the same appositive. Use a different preposition even if it means rearranging your words to do so. Such as
Mat started dozing off after reading the first part and fell into his closet on top of a small pile of dirty clothes, the letter still held by his hand in a reading position.
The next three things are minor things. One is inconsistency. In some places you've typed it as "EMail" and in others you've typed it as "Email". There are also some minor spelling and grammar errors that you need to watch for, and you've left out a word here -
After reading that, Mat quickly shut the window and felt some anger well up inside of him.
Overall it's quite good. Your use of description is wonderful and the email really gives the reader a window into the personalities of Mat's brothers.
Retype post - [No]
Suicune's Child: Just a few grammatical errors in your post. Nothing other than that. I'm going to list them just in case you want to see what they are.
Disregarding this completely [insert comma here] he dashed as quickly as he could towards the door.
Akina climbed quickly onto Zephyr's back and gripped his shoulder's [Should be "shoulders". You're not showing possession here.] tightly.
If it had been anyone else riding him [insert comma here] they might have [insert the word "been"] scared senseless from the sudden decent, but Akina was used to him doing this so all she did was tighten her grip. It was now easy to make out land marks ["landmarks"] below them [insert comma here] and Akina had no problem finding her way.
Several hours later, as she gazed around at the unfamiliar land scape ["landscape"], Akina saw a large building looming up to their right.
She held up his Pokeball and waited for him to tare [the correct spelling is "tear"] his eyes away from the building long enough to nod at her before recalling him to it.
Edit/Retype Post: [No]
xoxkris: Yes, we're all trying to gather around Aqua's current HQ in Dewford Town. It's in the first post. And you have my permission to comment on sonickid01 as long as it's something that hasn't already been said.
And I know you haven't finished your post, but I'm going to grade what you've written so far.
Rubbing her shin, Pearl's gazed wandered down to the cactus-like plant. 'What on Earth is THAT?!' She shook her head with disgust. 'New species of plants?! Still rubbing her injured leg, Pearl skimmed past another shrub. This time, it was quite tall, but the road beneath it eld straight face-to-face with an extremely...
Poor word choice (Oh my Lordie, I have categories now xD). You seem to be having trouble with this. You don't need "straight" and "face-to-face" right together. If you're going to use "straight", say
... led her straight into...a gigantic Venus FlyTrap! ...
Or if you wanted to use "face-to-face", you could say
... beneath it placed her face-to-face with an extremely...gigantic Venus FlyTrap! ...
Drew smirked. "I guess I won't go if I get to see that pink Butterfree. " He added while twirling a Pokeball.
First off, by saying "Drew smirked" you're automatically indicating that Drew is the one about to talk, thus you do not need to include the phrase "He added". Secondly, "He added" would mean that he had just said something before this. (By "this" I'm referring to his sentence, "I guess I won't go if I get to see that pink Butterfree.")
While on this topic...
Professor Oak put up his right hand,signalling for silence.
"Put" means more "to place something". Try "held". It better shows the action of the hand. To say he "put up his right hand" would be to say he placed his right hand beside his head.
Psyche kicked Pearl at her left calf. "Don't be lame, get going!"
Lame = pathetic. I think what you mean to say is more along the lines of lazy, lethargic, or languid.
She walked a few distance away to Drew.
"Few" is and adjective which tells how many of of something. You're not saying how many distances she walked. You're saying how far she walked.
She walked a short distance away to Drew.
With that in mind, we're going to move on to prepositions.
Pearl was in front of the bushes... They are not so short as she thought!
As. They were not as short as she thought. It's the way of the English language.
she steadily took a few steps to that direction, her acute ears on alert...
If you are going "to" something, you're moving from one place or position to another. The word "direction" is not a place, and you have not stated within this phrase where you are moving from. You should have used "in" here.
On to tenses.
Psyche! Pearl can't help but worry about her younger sister... She knew her cousin, Trevor, and his younger brother, Drew, who was of the same age as Psyche, are going to be there around late noon, but still... Slowly standing up, Pearl's mind wandered to her home. Did Psyche stopped her father from working too hard? Did she pour some tea for her poor mother? Had she remembered that the kettle needs to be heated twice before it could work? And...
We're going to go with past tense on all of these... "Can't" should be "couldn't". "Are going" should be "were going". And "stopped is the wrong participle. You have already used the word "did" to indicate past tense, so the second part of your verb phrase should be the present participle of "stop".
They are not so short as she thought!
"Are" is present tense. It should be in past tense making it "were".
More stuff that has no category.
Drew smirked. "I guess I won't go if I get to see that pink Butterfree. "
I don't even know what you were trying to say here. See if you can sort it out for me.
Rubbing her shin, Pearl's gazed wandered down to the cactus-like plant. 'What on Earth is THAT?!' She shook her head with disgust. 'New species of plants?! Still rubbing her injured leg, Pearl skimmed past another shrub. This time, it was quite tall, but the road beneath it eld straight face-to-face with an extremely... gigantic Venus FlyTrap!
There really is no need for the suspense or exclamation here that you have created. If she's in the rainforest it's not unusual and kind of expected that she would run into plants like this. If you must include the "..." and exclamation point, put it in italics to show that these are her thoughts.
Pearl's skin felt cold and clammy as she made her way as slow as a tortoise towards the direction of that sudden noise.
I'm a stickler for this. >.< You have used the word "as" three times in one sentence. Add some variety. You could do this by saying -
Pearl's skin felt cold and clammy as she made her way at a tortoise's pace towards the direction of that sudden noise.
Pearl's skin felt cold and clammy whilst she made her way as slow as a tortoise towards the direction of that sudden noise.
There's tons of variations you could use.
Pearl was in front of the bushes... They are not so short as she thought! In fact, they could be described as containers with more green objects than brown objects, basically referring to the trunk, branch, bark, etc as the brown items, and the leaves as the green items.
Nice try, but no. =P I like he way you use analogies in your writing, but this one just doesn't relate to the thing you're describing enough.
"No sign, a total zero!" Psyche ended before collasping onto the ground, crumpling the shorter weeds. " Well, I think we need to follow your footsteps and switch into sleeping-while-your-friend-is-working-hard ability. Please enlighten us how to!" She giggled like a cheerful schoolgirl.
Pearl sighed. 'Guess it's my turn, eh?" She walked a few distance away to Drew. 'Just make sure you don't die before seeing that Butterfree, and give me your last will. Hey, maybe bringing that pedigree to your funeral will be a better idea-"
Psyche kicked Pearl at her left calf. "Don't be lame, get going!"
In this scene you give the impression that Psyche is mad when she chastises her sister for sleeping and then kicks at her leg. But yet you say she giggles like a cheerful schoolgirl. We need major consistency here, especially since this scene is crucial to the reader's understanding of Psyche's behanvior and relationship with her sister.
She walked a few (short) distance away to Drew.
The preposition "to" technically should be changed becuase you haven't told where she walked from. But I think the sentence would work better if you just rearranged it a bit. After moving some words around and putting in a few more...
She walked over to Drew who stood a short distance away.
Pysche stared at him as he got up. "I am not going, I JUST have to find that Butterfree! It's too beautiful to let go! I almost have it! That pink Butterfree!" She folded her arms sturbbornly. " Hmph. Go if you want, but that Pink Butterfree can never escape from my-"
"Evil clutches and iron grips."
Pearl nodded. "Yup, evil clutches and... Wait a second, Drew. WHAT did you just SAY?!" She glared directly at Drew, whose hair stood at the end.
Drew nudged her. "C-come on, isn't this Beedrill better?" He tried to change the subject while holding his Pokeball high up in the air, as if to show it off. "Anyway, haven't you heard the Professor? It's only4.30pm, yet it's learady too dim for us to go fishing. I knew we should have gone earlier." He flashed a smirk across to Pearl. "If SOMEONE hasn't been talking to my brother..."
The only reason I quoted this whole thing was so you could quickly see who is and has been talking. Shouldn't it be Psyche instead Pearl? Make sure you keep up with these things so you don't confuse the other roleplayers.
It seemed like it was coming from some lush, green bushes a few kilometres away...
Kilometers? That's a bit much, don't you think? Meters would be more realistic.
I didn't see anything else in the rest of your post. Here's a few notes about her flashback though. (That is a flashback, right?)
-It really is too long. Yes, it's great when you describe everything, but you really could condense the story. The flashback doesn't need to consume 3/4 of your post. It distracts from what's really going on.
-The whole Tentecruel attack is a bit hard to believe. I know you wanted to make the attack unusual, but it's better to not stretch it too far. It'd be more realistic to say a Ursaring attacked them, when Ursaring generally resided only in the eastern part of the forest. Just an example.
One last thing. Download a spellchecker please. I'm going to keep bugging you until you do. :tongue:
I know there's a lot here. Don't take it to mean that anyone else is better than you. You just write so much more than everyone else, there's more for me to grade (that's a good thing).
Edit/Retype Post: [Yes]
07-29-2006, 11:44 AM
Sky, I am MOST sorry for not really updating! My computer broke down with viruses, and now it's terribly slow, so I'll have to wait till next week to give you a complete post. Absolutely sorry, grateful to you for waiting -cry-
08-09-2006, 02:07 PM
I'm also sorry I haven't been posting. I'm rather brain dead. I'm not sure what to post. Do you have any tips for what I could include that could help me make it at least three paragraphs?
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