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Channel Delibird
05-25-2004, 03:55 PM
This story is rated PG for mild language.
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Haven't you always wanted a TV channel that gives you uncensored Delibird, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week? Then you've subscribed to the right channel. This is Channel Delibird!

This, my friends, is a story about the greatest TV channel ever dreamt of by any living, dead or nonexistent being. Channel Delibird is more than just a TV channel...it's a way of thinking, a way of life.

NIGHTMARE ON CHANNEL DELIBIRD
A Fan Fic by Vex, of Team Trainer
-----------------------------------------------
Prologue

The pay's good. That's why I do this job. The pay is flipping brilliant. I could have any job I like seeing as my talent in this field of work is so massive, but I stay at Channel Delibird because I get so much money for it.

Oh, who am I kidding? The wages in this job suck. The job sucks. I suck. Channel Delibird gets practically no viewers, even though we did so much advertising. We practically extinguished our entire budget on advertising the channel launch. This channel is going nowhere fast - no, scrap that. It's going backwards at lightspeed.

My name's Vex. I work as a cameraman for Channel Delibird, the personal cameraman to ol' Delibird himself. It's supposed to be an honour. It's not. Delibird is a useless, cocky, arrogant, selfish, unfunny penguin with a silly little bag who inflates his ego to over sixty times its previous size twice a day.

This story is largely about the futility of life - as, you see, this oversized pixel-penguin is our hero. And, of course, there's a happy ending. -_- Don't worry, I'm at least the sidekick. So you don't have to get by on Delibird's view alone. Thank goodness....if I hadn't been here, Delibird's version of writing this would have burned your eyeballs.

So, our story begins with me and Delibird sitting on uncomfortable plastic sofas watching yesterday's programming. Delibird was "teaching me my job", pointing out where I'd made "mistakes". That's what he thought. He said all the mistakes were at the points where I had done some really inspired camerawork. It looked great! But Delibird said it was shaky. I wanted to strangle him.

And then the door opened.

The door does not often open when Delibird and I are both in this room. You see, aside from us there's only one other person who does anything on Channel Delibird. And he's normally gone.

It was this person who walked into the room. Bulba McSaur, our employer, who ran BigVision Industries, the biggest TV giant ever known. Without him, Channel Delibird would never have got off the ground. That's another reason our budget was so low. Delibird had spent most of it bribing McSaur into allowing him to screen his channel. Bloody imbecile.

McSaur, though a Pokemon, was the most intimidating thing I'd ever met. His dark glasses made him look like Darth Vader in the dim light of our only light-bulb, and our placid walls looked like we were standing in the ruins of the Death Star. His sneer was enough for me to realise we had a problem.

Behind him followed Bulba's bodyguard, Hitmon "Lockjaw" Lee, who had earned his nickname by his famous trademark move - a really crunching headlock that left your jaw unable to move for at least an hour, usually two. Lockjaw also wore shades, not as expensive as McSaur's of course, as to upstage His Megalomaniacness would be blasphemy. Or so it seemed.

McSaur laughed. "Delibird, you're gonna love this."

I gulped. This was it. We were screwed.

Delibird laughed back, but evidently weaker. "Uh...great. What is it?"

Bulba McSaur's lips curled into the most evil grin I had ever seen. "Your ratings are practically nonexistent. Nobody's buying Channel Delibird merchandise. This channel is on the road to destruction and we don't want you bringing BigVision down. You have one week to get your ratings up by three hundred percent, or Channel Delibird is ancient history."

Channel Delibird
06-02-2004, 11:21 AM
NIGHTMARE ON CHANNEL DELIBIRD
A Fan Fic by Vex, of Team Trainer
-----------------------------------
Chapter One

McSaur was actually being more lenient on us than I had expected. Although, of course, getting our ratings up at all was going to be about as easy as convincing Lockjaw to wear a pink dress. I bit my lip. Delibird was going to have to accept defeat - in the long run, we'd save more money by closing down now than actually trying to get our ratings higher.

"You're on."

WHAT THE HELL?

At this point I really felt like strangling Delibird. He'd just agreed to multiply his debts by about sixty times, and it meant I was going to have to help him. Nobody else wants my services, so I've got to make the money here. This is not going to succeed. My career is going to crash and burn. AGAIN.

Bulba McSaur grinned in the most evil of ways, showing his crooked teeth. McSaur's eyes turned a hideous shade of green...that was the expression I like to call the Executioner's Face.

"Then, I wish you luck." With that, McSaur turned his fat, ugly body and strutted out of the door like he owned the place. Which he did. I myself glared at Delibird, wishing very much that I was holding a rifle. The despicable penguin just squawked in glee.

"What are you looking like that for? We can do that!"

"You're absolutely insane, you stupid thing! OUR CHANNEL IS A LOAD OF CRAP!" Instantly I regretted saying this. Much as I disliked Delibird's way of handling things, he paid my wages and he did seem to have a little confidence in my cameraman ability.

"Uh...sorry about that." I mumbled as Delibird looked at me with puppy-dog eyes. What I had just yelled had quite obviously hurt him a great deal.

"Well, in that case," Delibird sniffed and managed to get over my harsh words rather quickly, to his credit, "we'll have to find a way to stop it being crap. What we need is something really big."

I looked at him blankly. "Like....what exactly?"

Delibird thought for a moment before his eyes lit up like fireworks. I gulped, knowing this would either be extremely dumb, or extremely perfect but impossible.

"We're going to make the biggest TV spectacle ever. Have you ever heard of Ho-oh?"

"Well, of course I have...what on EARTH do you have in mind?"

Delibird displayed the largest smile I had ever seen, bigger than I thought possible. I was actually beginning to think he might have a good idea in that twisted brain of his.

"We're going to get live footage of it."

Channel Delibird
06-03-2004, 08:45 AM
NIGHTMARE ON CHANNEL DELIBIRD
A Fan Fic by Vex, of Team Trainer
-----------------------------------
Chapter Two

"Delibird, you're a genius."

The walking, squawking ego grinned widely and turned to go, probably to look for some camera equipment.

"You are also one of the stupidest people I have ever met."

"Why, thank you." There is one benefit to Delibird being so worked up about something. It means you can get away with minor insults and he'll never notice, too lost in his thoughts.

"So..." I followed him into our dingy storeroom, the walls of which were papered in a horrible dark shade of gray. The paper was peeling off in places, and the wall behind was rotting. On one of the shelves lay our tripod and the bulky black TV camera. "How exactly are we going to do this? I mean, it's not as if anyone actually knows where Ho-oh is. In fact, there's no bloody proof that it even exists!"

"We're just going to have to prove it then."

Delibird's stubbornness never ceases to amaze me. Swatting at a nearby fly, I pursued the argument.

"And what makes you think that even if we do by some miracle find Ho-oh, that it won't instantly burn us to a crisp? Does anyone actually know what it can do? For heaven's sake, Delibird, this is crazy."

"And that's why I'm doing it. Do you want to save Channel Delibird or not?" He didn't wait for an answer. "So, we've simply GOT to do this. OK?"

Sighing, I shrugged. There was actually a possibility that we might be able to locate Ho-oh...and in that case, just being able to catch a glimpse of it would be a wonderful experience. So I might as well go along with it.

Picking up the tripod and camera, I told Delibird we could use my car. We normally filmed everything inside the studio, so I wasn't used to lugging around a giant camera. Besides, if Channel Delibird shut down, I'd have to sell my car to survive, and it might be nice to drive it for the last time.

Stepping out onto the busy urban street, Delibird took a deep breath before turning towards me, indicating that he had no clue where the car was. Taking the hint, I moved in front of him and led the way down the narrow sidewalk to the local car park. There were a lot of expensive cars in there, and Delibird was obviously impressed when I walked to a big blue Goldenrod Blissey. Goldenrod Blisseys were huge people-carriers that could hold up to 8 people, with little TV screens in the back rows.

"Whoa...you bought THAT?" Delibird exclaimed.

"No, I bought that one." I pointed, embarrassed, to the shabby old Lavender Dunsparce beside the Blissey. Delibird's face fell.

"Look, Vex, he did say THREE WEEKS..."

It took a lot of courage not to slap him for that.

Channel Delibird
06-03-2004, 08:59 AM
Apologies, but this is a short chapter, so I'm not even calling it a Chapter. It's a Bridge.

NIGHTMARE ON CHANNEL DELIBIRD
A Fan Fic by Vex, of Team Trainer
-----------------------------------
Bridge One

"Isn't it beautiful, Vex? Green, rolling hills, picturesque sunsets, calm, soothing mist and cute lady-Delibirds everywhere....WHY COULDN'T WE START LOOKING FOR HO-OH THERE?"

Delibird put down the tourist brochure for Route 41, next to the Ice Path, and looked around at the decidedly boring Route 65, which linked Hoenn and Johto. We were about twenty-five miles away from the causeway that bridged the gap, and all we could see was dirt. Brown, soft, squidgy, and VERY annoying for tyres.

My faithful Lavender Dunsparce resiliently ploughed through the mud and dirt, coughing in its inimitable way (something like "GORKKKHH"), and Delibird desperately brushed off the bits of dirt and muck that were bouncing up onto him.

"Yeuch, what a disgusting bit of muck." Delibird moved his arm over to show me as I stopped the car. There was a quite repulsive and smelly piece of dark purple gloop on him. That wasn't normal...then I looked over Delibird's shoulder and out of the other side of the car.

"Delibird, that isn't a piece of muck...that's a piece of Muk!"

Delibird looked at me blankly. "I don't get it."

Then the huge Muk swallowed him.

Channel Delibird
06-04-2004, 01:40 PM
NIGHTMARE ON CHANNEL DELIBIRD
A Fan Fic by Vex, of Team Trainer
-------------------------------------
Chapter Three

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH HHHH!!! NOO! YOU CAN'T DO THAT! SPIT HIM OUT! SPIT HIM OUT!"

I'm so proud of my ability to stay calm in a crisis. The Muk was larger than normal, its sludgy body bubbling and putrid. It was almost as tall as me (short as I am), but it seemed a little harder to get along with.

"HEY! Look, please, spit that Delibird out...he's really not that tasty. Most of him is just metal supports that he has to have implanted into him because he's too old to walk!" Boy, Delibird would be so happy when I told him about this....assuming he got out of that monstrosity.

"MMMMMUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

I took that for a no, and rummaged in my pocket for the Pokemon Handbook I usually took with me. "There must be some kind of rule that says you can't swallow other Pokemon without their consent!"

The Muk stopped advancing and climbed into the car. Speaking in a perfectly polite and rather posh London accent, he took the Handbook from me and flipped a few pages before pointing at a paragraph. "Now, if you look here, you will see that Paragraph 672 states that a Pokemon may do anything to another Pokemon as long as the opposing Pokemon is not killed in the process. There, I believe that answers your question."

I stared in awe at him. "So...Delibird isn't dead?"

Muk prised open his mouth and pointed at Delibird clinging to his slimy tonsils. The stupid penguin was glaring at me. "Ha, ha, very funny. I knew I should have updated my life insurance."

The giant poisonous Pokemon exited the car, giving my Handbook back and closing his mouth enough to block Delibird from my view. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to eating you. Nothing in there says Pokemon can't eat humans."

And then, all of a sudden, it returned to gurgling menacingly and reaching out for my head. Spooked beyond belief, I tried to open the car door but only succeeded in falling out into the dirt. Luckily, this bit was dry.

I staggered to my feet and reached into my pocket again. It had come to the point that I rather dreaded in my sparce history of encounters such as this. I brandished a red-and-white Poke Ball in the Muk's face and weakly said "Uh...I have a Pokemon and I'm not afraid to use it!".

Muk looked rather impressed for a second, and then belched loudly, blowing disgusting gases into my area. Choking, I closed my eyes and pressed the button on the ball, releasing the creature contained inside.

A small Cubone faced the towering behemoth of a blob. It carried a thick bone club...and it was wearing shades. This was not a normal Cubone, judging by what I had heard.

If Muk's accent was posh, then this Cubone's was the Queen herself. It looked at me as if I was identical to the dirt I was standing on.

"This had better be worth it." Cubone turned its head up a little, as if to heighten itself above me.

I pointed at Muk. "Well...that thing is trying to eat Delibird."

Cubone looked me in the eyes and raised one eyebrow. "And the problem is...what exactly?"

A muffled cry of "I heard that!" emerged from the Muk, which had been climbing over my loyal Lavender Dunsparce before noticing Cubone. Now it turned to face it, and began sliding over towards it, leaving a horrific mess on my nice car. I cringed.

The Muk finally stood towering over Cubone and then suddenly flopped over, trying to Body Slam it. Cubone shrieked in terror, which didn't do his posh-boy image much good, and managed to jump out of the way. It glanced down at its bone, which had been splattered unceremoniously with bits of Muk.

"You...you got my bone dirty! Oh, that's it, buster, you are going to PAY for that!"

At this point a titanic battle ensued between large blob and small skull dude, locked in a deadly clash that would have made a fitting climax to a film...well, not really. While Muk was lying on the floor, Cubone took a moment to brush off his bone before laying into the sludge thing. THWACK! KERPLONK! DONK! THOMP! Again and again little Cubone brought the club down between Muk's eyes. I was rather delighted, as this was the first time Cubone actually was doing what I had wanted it to, albeit not because I had told it to.

During the chaos, a small opening was appearing in Muk's slippery mouth as it tried to call out in pain. Through that gap and little penguin began to scramble out, covered in gloop. Delibird finally tumbled out, but Cubone continued recklessly beating Muk to a pulp. Deciding to end the suffering, I recalled it to its PokeBall, and decided to take advantage of Muk's condition by fishing out another one. I was about to throw it when a red light engulfed the Muk from somewhere else, and it was drawn into another ball.

I swiveled round and faced the competitor, only to see Delibird, grinning and coated in purple slime, showing off a shiny Poke Ball. It was standing next to my rucsack, which was lying open on the dirt.

I could have fainted.

Dr Skottie
06-06-2004, 10:54 AM
Hey man, this is good work. Very funny, keep writing.

Channel Delibird
06-09-2004, 03:31 PM
NIGHTMARE ON CHANNEL DELIBIRD
A Fan Fic by Vex, of Team Trainer
-----------------------------------
Chapter Four

"Ha, ha," I said dryly, my eyes not wavering from the Pokeball in Delibird's slimy hand. "We've had our little fun now, so if you'd just give me my Pokemon..."

Delibird wasn't looking at me. His tiny head glanced down at the ball, his eyes as large as tennis balls. "I caught a Pokemon."

"No, Delibird, I caught a Pokemon, I weakened it and it was MY Pokeball that caught it."

"But I threw the Pokeball. So it's mine."

There were many insults and remarks flying through my head, all begging to be spoken out loud, but I settled for "Delibird, WHAT...THE...FLIP. You are a Pokemon. Pokemon can't catch Pokemon!".

"But I just did!" Delibird looked at me now, oblivious to common sense. This was getting ridiculous.

"YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE POKEMON!!!" I found myself screaming so loud it felt like I was awakening the dead, which alarmed me just ever so slightly. Although, I was more concerned with Delibird's inmeasurable stupidity.

"That's not fair! Pokemon have rights too!" Delibird shot back.

"But if you were allowed to catch a Pokemon, then that Pokemon would be allowed to catch you! HOW DOES THAT WORK, YOU IMBECILE?"

Delibird actually pointed in my face and laughed at me. I couldn't believe it. This was a dream. All of this was so incredibly strange that it was not real. Any minute I'd wake up...

For some reason, Delibird took my momentary silence as an acceptance of defeat, and began skipping round in circles, singing "I caught a Pokemon, I caught a Pokemon...".

The funny thing was, I knew I'd never get Delibird to hand over my Muk. It was dreadfully unfair - I'd kept my cool (*ahem*) and used my Cubone to defeat Muk while all that annoying Santa did was cling to its tonsils. I wanted to throttle him.

And so it was that a brainless, ignorant idiot of a Delibird actually managed to catch and keep his own Pokemon. I said nothing more on the subject as I cleaned off the Lavender Dunsparce, but my companion wouldn't shut up. Mind you, I'd got a nephew of the age of 11. I'd been there when he had received his first Pokemon, a Spearow, and the young lad had been so excited that he got dizzy and vomited all over my brother's garden. I supposed that, in a way, Delbird had the right to be happy. I also hoped that he would throw up, but not on my poor car. It had been through enough today without Delibird sick all over it.

The sun was finally beginning to set on the first day of our three weeks. I reminded the ecstatic penguin that we only had 20 days to find Ho-oh and organise a live broadcast of its actions. Unsurprisingly, Delibird didn't listen to me.

So, as clouds began to take a hold over the sky, and flocks of Pidgey crowed to one another, I, Delibird and the rusty Lavender Dunsparce trundled over the causeway that linked Hoenn to Johto, and the second phase of Delibird's "master plan".

Channel Delibird
07-13-2004, 03:53 PM
NIGHTMARE ON CHANNEL DELIBIRD
A Fan Fic by Vex, of Team Trainer
-----------------------------------
Chapter Five

The Second Day's sun dawned over the rolling hills of northern Johto. From somewhere in the distance the sound of flocks of Taillow chirping and calling to one another came washing over me as I leaned back against the Lavender Dunsparce and studied the map.

Then a large bucket of water came washing over me from somewhere above.

"DELIBIRD!!" I thundered, looking up to see the penguin hopping over to the other side of the car and off the other side. The dirty rotten thing - the SCOUNDREL! Oh, well at least it had finally woken up. The snoring had driven me crazy last night. Not that I didn't prefer a sleeping Delibird to a lively one. Quite the opposite.

I picked up a rock and chucked it at the rapidly retreating prankster, missing by miles but Delibird still ducked anyway. It turned its head for a minute to say, "Everyone should shower in the morning!"

Making a face, I shot back "Do you want me to help you or not? Now get in the car, we've got work to do!"

Sighing, I turned back to the map as I climbed into the driver's seat. By my calculations it should take us about a day to get to Tin Tower if everything went to plan, so it would probably be three days until we arrived.

Our journey proceeded surprisingly smoothly until we entered the outskirts of Olivine City. I was moving the car into a parking space on a lonely street. No one save two men in black uniforms, probably military, and a young lady in formal dress. No soldier would steal a car, and the lady looked respectable, so I decided it was a good place to park. Delibird was talking excitedly about the broadcast we were planning.

"This is going to be the BEST thing ever on TV, and just think it's exclusive to our channel! We are going to be RICH!"

He was being slightly louder than I would have liked, and the fact that everyone on the street turned to look at us unnerved me. The military men were talking to one another quietly, and the lady had one eyebrow raised. I hadn't quite noticed how charmingly pretty she was until now. She had long flowing chestnut hair and thoughtful, starry blue eyes. She was wearing an elegant black evening dress, which she seemed to squirm a little in, but not all that noticably.

Unfortunately, my attention was rather forcibly drawn away when the two soldiers ran over and jumped into the car, grabbing both me and Delibird by the necks and growling "You're coming with us, mates!"