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Tiana_M
06-07-2004, 04:38 AM
OOC: Well here goes my very first pokemon story.

IC: It was a beautiful day in Azalea Town, the sun was shining, the air was crisp and cool, and the grass was as green as could be. It was also Tiana’s 15th birthday. Tiana, a young lady now, with shoulder length brown hair that had red highlights, large hazel eyes, and a great tan, was on her own pokemon adventure at last.

It was custom in her family to give children their first pokemon at age 5 and to send them out into the world with those pokemon at age 15. They considered this tradition to be like a rite of passage, for every 15-year-old since the time of Tiana’s great, great, great grandparents had gone on his or her own pokemon adventure. Tiana had been waiting to turn 15 since she was five and had seen her cousin, Brian, go off on his own adventure.

When she got up on the day of her fifteenth Birthday, Tiana hadn’t been disappointed. As she opened her eyes she found herself looking at a new canvas survival pack on a chair next to her bed. Beside the pack there was a new set of six pokeballs and a new set of her usual outfit of dark-blue jeans, a simple but stylish tan blouse, and a simple but effective leaf-green vest, that had the family crest on it. After having dressed she woke her Eevee, Meriana, and went into the kitchen, with her new pack, to have the last homemade breakfast she would have for a long time to come. She and her parents ate in a peaceful silence, having said their good-byes the night before. After eating, she hugged both her parents, both of whom had tears in their eyes, very tightly and left saying only, “I’ll keep in touch, and don’t worry, I promise I’ll come back.”

Tiana_M
06-08-2004, 03:12 AM
Wow, it’s been quite a while since I left town now, Wow we made great time, we must be nearly to the next town.
What a beautiful afternoon it is! Tiana thought to herself.
I wonder when I’ll run into my first wild pokemon.

Just then, Meriana put her nose to the ground and began to follow a trail she had picked up.
“Meri, is it a pokemon?” Tiana asked in a hushed, but excited voice. Little Meri didn’t answer she just kept on following her nose. So Tiana just followed along wondering what scent Meriana had picked up on. After a little while, the pair came to a small clearing in the woods. Just outside the circle of trees Meri stopped. Tiana came up silently behind Meri, crouched down in the bushes next to her Eevee, and took a look at the clearing. At first she couldn’t see what it was Meri had smelled. Then, she saw it.

Off to the side of the clearing, a hoothoot was sleeping on the ground.
Now that’s strange, I wonder why that hoothoot is sleeping on the forest floor instead of flying. Thought Tiana to herself.
“Stay here, Meri, I’m going to try to take a closer look.” She whispered.
But, Meriana had other ideas, and when Tiana began to creep, on all fours, into the clearing Meri trailed right behind her. Since they had been together for so long, Tiana knew that it would be pointless to try to make Meri stay behind, so she didn’t reproach her friend.

As they approached the hoothoot, it began to stir. They slowed so as to not startle the pokemon too much. Unfortunately their plan didn’t work, when they got a little less than halfway to the hoothoot, Tiana put her knee on a stray twig, the hoothoot woke instantly, glared at them and grew angry. It tried to fly at them, but its wing was badly hurt and it didn’t get very far. Once it had settled back down to the ground, not far off, Tiana tried going a little closer to it.
It badly needs a doctor, but unless I capture it I can’t help it. Tiana thought as she neared it. She decided that it was so weak that she might not need to have Meri attack at all. So, she stood up, took out one of her pokeballs, and lightly tossed it at the pokemon. The pokeball hit the hoothoot on the back. It shook slightly a few times on the ground...

OOC: This Is Not the End of My Story, I'm still working on it.

Tiana_M
06-11-2004, 02:41 AM
And popped open again!
Wow, this hoothoot’s strong. All the more reason for me to catch it! Tiana thought.
“Alright Meri, it’s time for you to give it a go.” Tiana said quietly, looking down at her pokemon. “It’s time to put all those training sessions to some good use.”
“E-e-vee” Meri replied, excited at the prospect of her first real battle.
“But, try to go easy on it, Okay?” Tiana added as an after thought, Meri looked up at Tiana and nodded once. “Okay then, Meri, Go show that hoothoot who’s boss!” Tiana said. Meriana slowly circled until she was behind the hoothoot and attacked with a tail whip, then, retreated quickly. The hoothoot wheeled around and tried to retaliate but Meri had already gotten too far from it.

Meriana continued to circle the hoothoot. When Meri was directly behind the hoothoot Tiana commanded, “Tail whip it! Now!” Meri lunged but the hoothoot had been paying attention this time and was able to whip itself around quickly enough to peck at Meriana. Meri received a few minor scratches but was okay. The hoothoot now completely focused on Meriana was very angry and not ready to give up.
Wow, this hoothoot is either very strong, or very stubborn! Either way, I must catch it! Tiana thought as she yelled,“Meri, this time, use agility and then tail whip it! And give it all you’ve got!” Meri complied by doing so three times in a row, each time hitting the hoothoot dead on. Meri then stopped attacking, partially out of her need to breathe and partially to see what the hoothoot would do. The hoothoot, now almost mortally wounded, was still not ready to give up. Although it was still dazed from Meriana’s agility, it was so angry that it began to run and tried to attack Meri with the last of its strength. Meri tried to dodge but, still being tired from doing agility three times in a row, was barely fast enough and gained two crisscrossing scratches on her right flank.

Then, the hoothoot collapsed from its many wounds and exhaustion, and Tiana yelled, “Okay, Meri, I think it’s finally had enough. You did a wonderful job!” She then threw the pokeball at the hoothoot again. As Tiana and Meri watched, the former in anticipation, the other with caution, the pokeball fell on the hoothoot, collected it, and sat there twitching...

OOC: Okay well there it is. :biggrin: I hope you like it. :sweat:

Max
06-11-2004, 09:28 PM
Great story! I wounder whats gonna happen next. *Hint Hint*

Satou
06-11-2004, 10:30 PM
Story/Reality
6/10

"It badly needs a doctor"
"Wow, this hoothoot’s strong."
Trust me, I've had this kill my own stories before. If it needs a doctor so badly you've got to help it it'll stay in the Pokeball. But that isn't allowed and wouldn't be a true capture. Your two statements canceled eachother out o.o; I won't be very strict on this. It's more just finding an injuried Hoot-Hoot that bothers me... It's like someone just fought it for you so your life would be easier.

I think you need more plot. Maybe you spot this Hoot-Hoot with a thorn and when you go to get it out it attacks you? You'll have Hoot-Hoot land a few blows on Meri before you grab it, putting the story in your favor. Then the Hoot-Hoot challenages you to a battle like Bulbasaur did ^_^ Think it out a bit more carefully. It'll help. Sorry, but this part might weigh down your grading. You've got a nice storyline going, though.
I've got a good sense of Tiana and Meri's friendship already and I like that ^___^

Grammer/Spelling
8/10
You say Wow twice in a row o.o; I won't take off, just wanted to make a point ^_^ There wasn't much major and one of two hard to understand parts :)

Battle
4/10
Sorry... It was disappointing :( Even a Hoot-Hoot deserves a longer fight. Battle and Detail tie together and your fight needed a bit more detail. What sounds? what end of movement? How does Meri attack? Did dust fly? Tell me more ^_^

Detail
4/10
It was looking good and then it all fell apart. Do the parents talk? Do they move? How Tiana feel about them and leaving? What does the trail look like? Describe more about how you know Hoot-Hoot needs help... More about the battle. Detail can give your battle more of a realistic touch :)

Length
6/10
Character Count: 6163
Word Count: 1160
Only 275 of those words were battle.That isn't good. Half the story has to be battle since battle is the key to winning :)

Overall :: 20/50 --- 40/100

Tips: More detail. If your detail improves your battle improves. A few more attacks will also make me happy ^.^ A few attacks makes your battle longer and then your length score goes up too. Put a bit more detail in and I'll understand your story plot clearer, most likely, because it seems you've got a great idea but need to express it to the reader more.

Max is right, though, this does look like with the proper work it'll be a really nice story!

I also go easy on you since it's your first story. Usually I require 75 points for a pass on a common Pokemon(Stuff on route 1), 80 for an uncommon(Pikachu, etc.) and 90 for something rare(Misdreavus, Castform, etc.)
Since it's your first I'll let 70 go ^_^; ... Don't kill me.... And feel free to point out any unfair grading I do, ok? ^____^

Tiana_M
06-11-2004, 11:23 PM
Thanks Satou, for giving me all those tips! Next time i'll try to make it more detailed. :sweat: I just wasn't sure how much to put in was all. But, now I know! :biggrin:

Question:
Now, should I try to make this story better or start in on a new one?
:think:

Satou
06-12-2004, 02:30 PM
Do whatever works best ^_^ I support ethier.

Tiana_M
06-14-2004, 12:40 AM
If I work on this one, should I re-post it under a new name or should I just edit it?

Sorry bout all the questions like i said this is my first story so I don't know all that much about how to do this very well.

and Thanks again to Satou for the tips!

Satou
06-14-2004, 02:49 AM
It's up to you ^_^ Reposting helps me go back and check what you've changed, though.

Tiana_M
06-14-2004, 08:27 PM
Okay Here's the beginning of the edited version:

It was a beautiful day in Azalea Town, the sun was shining, the air was crisp and cool, and the grass was as green as could be. It was also Tiana’s 15th birthday. Tiana, a young lady now, with shoulder length brown hair that had red highlights, large hazel eyes, and a great tan, was on her own pokemon adventure at last.

It was custom in her family to give children their first pokemon at age 5 and to send them out into the world with those pokemon at age 15. They considered this tradition to be like a rite of passage, for every 15-year-old since the time of Tiana’s great, great, great grandparents had gone on his or her own pokemon adventure. Tiana had been waiting to turn 15 since she was five and had seen her cousin, Brian, go off on his own adventure.

When she got up on the day of her fifteenth Birthday, Tiana hadn’t been disappointed. As she opened her eyes she found herself looking at a new canvas survival pack on a chair next to her bed. Beside the pack there was a new set of six pokeballs as well as a new set of her usual outfit of dark-blue jeans, a simple but stylish tan blouse, and a simple but effective leaf-green vest, that had the family crest on it. After having dressed she woke her Eevee, Meriana, and went into the kitchen, with her new pack, to have the last homemade breakfast she would have for a long time to come. She and her parents ate in a rather awkward silence, having said their good-byes the night before, they were all still very aware of the big change that was coming very soon. After eating, she hugged both her parents, both of whom had tears in their eyes, very tightly and left, by way of the kitchen door, saying only the traditional words, “I’ll keep in touch, and don’t worry, I promise I’ll come back.”
“We’ll be waiting for your return.” Said her father in the traditional response.
“Goodbye, Sweetheart,” her mother whispered sadly. When Tiana had rounded the corner her mother leaned on her father and cried softly.

After having worked their way around the house to the road, Tiana and Meriana set off eagerly awaiting their first challenge.