View Full Version : Mr. K tries to catch something =0

Ironshell Blastoise
06-15-2004, 06:15 AM
Khold sat on a large granite rock in the middle of the Viridian Forest, staring off into the stars above through the holes in the canopy top. Exhausted and frustrated from his brutal defeat to Silverfrost and her Lileep, he re-ran the battle through his head, mentally kicking himself in the ass when he realized his mistakes. Bowser, his recently recieved Squirtle, was in the nearby pond, interacting with the few Poliwag that had not yet gone under the water's surface to rest for the night. Splashing and chasing each other in the shallow water, they were but a small background noise in Khold's mind. As for the other monsters in the forest, they were a source of annoyance and lack of rest. Spearow and Pidgey in the tree shuffled in their nests. A Nidoking rolled over in his sleep, disturbed slightly by the ruckus of the monsters in the pond, but not enough to bring him to total conciousness. His movement, though, did wake a small and fiesty male Nidoran, who was a member of the Nidoking's herd. Disgruntled and agitated at his lack of sleep, the Nidoran squealed out and ran off towards the pond, which wasn't but fifteen paces from the herd's sleeping area. When he broke through the trees into the small clearing in front of the pond, the Poliwags immediately jumped into the safety of the deeper water. Bowser, now knowing what was going on, was stunned when a slam on the back of his shell sent him flying face first into the water.

Meanwhile, Khold still stared off into the stars, unaware of the danger his Squirtle was getting into. If Bowser agitated and awoke the Nidoking, things could get ugly.

Bowser rose up from below the water and turned to face his adversary. The stout Nidoran lowered his head and snarled. Despite his small size, he emitted a radiance of defiance and power. Being the runt of the herd, the Nidoran had a short temper for disturbance, and Bowser had set him over his low tolerance level. Bowser rubbed the back of his shell to check for cracks while staring deep into the eyes of the Nidoran ahead of him. Slowly, he edged his way out of the water, onto the bank, but before he could get away, the Nidoran charged. Panicking for a split second, Bowser withdrew into his shell and let the Nidoran charge his shell. Knocked back eight feet, the shell landed and spun around before stopping. Nidoran, still angry, charged again. Sadly for him, Bowser's shell had stopped spinning with his head hole pointing directly at the the Nidoran. Right before the impact, Bowser fired a perfectly aimed Water Gun out of his shell, which slammed into the Nidoran's face and sent him flying over twenty feet into a bush. Having time to recover, the Squirtle came out of his shell and quickly made his way back to Khold.

The Nidoran, more bruised on his ego than on his body, lept out of the bush and ran after Bowser, revenge on his mind. Seeing his target, he gunned it as fast as his legs would carry him. Right at the last second, Bowser jumped to the side, and SLAM! the Nidoran impacted into the granite rock which Khold lay on. Suprised by the shaking of the rock, Khold jumped off the find Bowser hiding in his shell and the small Nidoran on its rump, shaking its head in pain.

"Whats going on here?" Khold asked, a second later realizing the two monsters wouldn't and couldn't reply to him. Recognizing the situation, Khold immediately set himself into battle mode. "Bowser, get out of your shell, and prepare to take on your adversary!"

Slowly, Bowser obeyed, and just at the same time the Nidoran was coming to its senses. With a slight sense of confidence, Bowser squared off his opponent, finding a good footing to set himself up for another Water Gun. Being light in weight, a powerful shot could make him lose his balance and fall over. Nidoran on the other hand, infused with anger and blinded by rage, charged again. Bowser, no newbie to battling, needed no order to fire another Water Gun. Inhaling deeply, he let loose another shot. To his suprise, Nidoran dodged out of the way, and slammed into the turtle with much more force than before. Following up on his attack, the Nidoran continued to knock around the shell which Bowser had withdrawn back into.

"Bowser, enough of this nonsense, end this with your Hydro Pump technique!"

Nidoran's ears perked up at the sound of that. While monsters were unable to communicate with humans, they were able to understand, and the Nidoran knew that a Hydro Pump technique was very powerful. But before he could run off in protection, Bowser's shell was already spinning rapidly, powered by the water that shot out from all 6 holes in the shell. The powerful blast knocked the Nidoran clear over a group of trees thirty feet away, and knocked Khold off his feet, who was caught in the moment and forgot to get out of the way.

After getting back to his feet, Khold picked up the turtle shell which his Squirtle was still withdrawn in, and ran off towards the trees where the Nidoran was hopefully to be found. Sure enough, the Nidoran was on its side, too tired too move, but too willful to give in to fatigue. Seeing his opportunity, Khold pulled out an acorn ball from his belt patch and threw it with precision at the tiny Nidoran. Upon contact with the ball, the Nidoran was sucked inside by an odd energy, and the acorn plopped on the ground, snapped shut, then rolled around as the Nidoran used every ounce of energy to break free. He knew once he was unable to break free and was trapped inside the ball, he was bound by unwritten law to obey the commands of the human who captured him. But would Nidoran have enough energy to break free, or would he have to give in to the force of the ball and scede dominance to Khold? :eh:

06-15-2004, 09:05 PM
Spelling/Grammer: 8/10
Recieved=Receized. Minor error, won't count off.
Conciousness=Consciousness. Another minor error, won't count off.
You put double the's in a few places. ^_^;;
Whats=What's. Minor, won't count off much.
Considering all the minor Errors there were I'll subtract about 2 points. Sorry. Nothing perfect.

Story/Realistic?: 6/10
Ummmm... No, sowwy. I think, personally, the runt would've been easier to pick off but I won't be hard on that. There was barely any story and the battle didn't last long. The whole story was really battle. It was almost pointless.

Battle: 6/10
The battle was good but it was really the whole fiction. It was, actually, almost too short but had details. It did confused me alot, though. I didn't know what was happening half the time.

Detail: 7/10

Some parts were fairly confusing but I'll live. I think you should add at least a few more bits of detail here and there so it isn't all so confusing ^_^

Length: 5/10

Character Count: 5743
Word Count: 1041

The battle happened waaaay too quickly as well. There wasn't enough story. This was just a battle. Maybe you could write about the mistakes you made in the battle? At least then there'd be a bit more story. Then, in battle, fix those mistakes?
By the way, that length is about the length needed for the actual battle. A bit more and you have story and that'll make me happy ^_^

2 posts in the smallest story aloud. Don't break it into 2 small posts, though, I won't be pleased.

Outcome :: 32/50 = 64/100 {Not Captured}

You have really only 1 choice. You've got to improve the length. The key to this story is the actual plot. If you add to the plott you'll add to the length and then improve the length part, perhaps earning 10 more points and passing your story. Try to keep the battle from moving so quickly and you'll also improve which will make the story more likely to pass.
You seemed to rush a bit. 2 posts will make me happy.

Now you can argue with me if you think I graded unfairly... I guess...

Ironshell Blastoise
06-16-2004, 12:01 AM
It was my first story, and it was like 2 in the morning, but meh, whatever, it was slack for me anyway. I kinda pulled it out of my ass. I'll redo it later ._.