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VenusaurTrainer
06-16-2004, 03:15 PM
An Eyre Silence



As Jax stood standing in his yard with his short black hair blowing in the wind on a dark autumn day. He saw some bushes move out by his front door. Suddenly out popped Kangaskhan. Jax looked across the yard at Kangaskhan, his best friend, loudly he shouted as he called for Kangaskaun to come toward him. “Come Kangaskhan come here.” Kangaskhan slowly walked toward him. “Hey buddy, want to go for a walk?” Kangaskhan growled a friendly growl. “I guess that’s a yes then, let’s go” said Jax. Even with the almost-full moon, it was difficult to see where they were walking. The tall trees with their thick dark branches loomed over them. Jax pulled out his flashlight he had tucked in his coat pocket. “Its okay Kangaskhan, everything is fine don’t be scared.” Jax clicked on the flashlight, the flashlight made a small circle of light on the path immediately ahead of them but on both sides and behind them the darkness hung close and heavy. The air seemed thick.

They had not gone far when a rustling sound came from the right side of the path. They stopped walking and pointed the light in that direction. Then Jax smiled. On the other side of the path was a couple of Hoothoots, they stared into both Jax and Kangaskahns eyes. “Scare them Kangaskhan” whispered Jax. Kangaskhan let out a fierce growl. The Hoothoots started shaking and then they fled for their lives. “Wasn’t that neat Kangaskhan my first ever Hoothoot that I’ve seen in the wild”. They continued walking down the path when they came upon a huge lake. Then they heard something move behind them. Holding his breath, they stopped and listened. When they didn’t hear it again, he flashed his light behind him. He saw only a clump of bushes. His mouth felt dry, all around them, the leaves whispered secrets and in the distance, a lone Poochyena howled at the moon. The mournful sound sent a prickle of fear up the back of Jaxs neck.
He took a deep breath and told himself and Kangaskhan to relax, but still had an uneasy feeling, as if some unknown danger lurked around the corner.

EEIIIYYAHHHH!!! The scream came with no warning, from the area behind them where they had herd rustling, the place where he had just beamed his light. Jax jumped, drawing his breath in sharply. He swung around, instinctively putting one hand across his face for protection. With the other hand he waved the flashlight back and forth, shining it from side to side. “Who’s there?” he croaked. There was no answer but he heard the same rustling sound again. It was closer this time. He didn’t know whether to turn off the light and run, or try to se who (or what) had screamed. “Kangaskhan go check and see what that scream was.” Kangaskhan obeyed, and left into the darkness. Jax had waited for at least 20 minutes now. “Where could Kangaskhan be?” he stated. Without waiting any longer Jax went into the bushes where Kangaskhan went. When all of a sudden he ran into something hard. Falling to the ground, he picked himself up and looked at what he had run into. It was Kangaskhan, “What are you doing Kangaskhan?” Kangaskhan didn’t reply. Then Jax realized what Kangaskhan was looking at. It was a Houndour caught in a hunters trap. Jax reached down to try to release the poor thing, after working on the trap for a while he finally let it free. The Houndour was very protective of itself. The Houndour seemed very angry with Jax. “What did I do I helped let you free” he said to the Houndour. The tiny dog looked as it was going to attack Jax. Jax quickly called for Kangaskhan to come and protect him. Kangaskhan stood in front of Jax, and then suddenly the dog leaped forward toward Kangaskhan and used a fierce Bite attack on Kanhaskhans shoulder. Kangaskhan stumbled a little bit and stood back on his feet. “Since you want a battle so bad then lets battle” shouted Jax. “Kangaskhan use Dizzy Punch on his body” shouted Jax. Kangaskhan cocked his arm and ran up to Hondour and gave it a mighty punch. Hondour fell to the ground, already weak form the hunters trap. The wind started to pick up during this fierce battle. Houndour growled and let down his head. “I think we got him Kangaskhan” said Jax. But the tiny dog was not down yet. Houndour opened his mouth and shout out a fierce Flamethrower. Jax could feel the heat from the mighty attack, and then the attack struck Kangaskhan hard in the stomach.

Jax ran over to Kangaskhan to see if he was okay, he was burned badly. “Kangaskhan you have too hang in their, you can’t lose this battle” he pleaded. Kangaskhan got and stared at the out of breath dog. Kangaskhan quickly ran up to it. “Use Mega Punch Kangaskhan” Kangaskhan let in a mighty attack on Houndour. But the dog was still standing; Houndour leaped toward Kangaskhan and gave an awesome Crunch attack. Kangaskhan feel to the ground and so did Houndour. “I must capture this mighty dog he can be a strong competitor in battles” said Jax. So Jax pulled his pokeball and threw it at Houndour. The ball emitted a red light and Houndour was gone. The ball began to shake and roll. Was it captured?

This is my first story go easy on me.

Satou
06-16-2004, 04:38 PM
Story/Reality :: 7/10
Ooookies... I'll believe you. Kanga works fine as your best buddy and such but the trapped Houndour does not... Where do you live o.0? You haven't gone far from your house and there's a hunter trap... That's just cruel >_<; And odd. But whatever... And the way to fought Houndour just isn't realistic. Houndour would put up a big fight after getting caught in that trap.

Length :: 4/0
Character Count: 5076
Word Count: 922
Sorry, that really isn't good enough. A Story must be at least 2 posts long, even beginner stories. You cannot possibly get all the detail needed in just 1 post because of the character limit.

Battle:: 4/10
Far too short. 294 words of battle out of 922(which was too short to begin with). That's not even 50% of your story(I'd guess 30% or so)!

Spelling/Grammer :: 8/10
hang in their = hang in there
Hoothoots=Hoothoot. Most Pokemon names, such as the word Pokemon itself, don't need an 's' added to sound good. "Look at those Pikachu" or "Look! 6 Charmander!" is ok.
And I think Eyrie is actually Eerie, but I dunno.

Detail :: 6/10
Not enough. Add more detail to your battle and it'll get longer. Add more detail here and there and the story will be easier to understand. Detail is lacked ^_^;

OUTCOME :: NOT CAPTURED!
Grade: 29/50;58/100

{Tips} Add more battle. The sotry's weak spots are battle and length. Adding more to the battle increases the length and while doing the battle you can add detail which increases the detail and all this is likely to increase the story ^_^ So work on the battle part of your story a bit more and remember : 2 Posts. Don't do 2 500 word posts though, K? Two posts the size of your original is pretty good.