View Full Version : [WAR]The Frozen Angel

06-19-2004, 12:57 PM
This is my first fan fic, hope u like it =P
Please tell me what u think of it, otherwise i cant improve it ^_^

Chapter 1 The Annihilation

Clouds that covered the sky prevented the sun rays from hitting the earth, a storm was coming to the Orange Islands....

A giant white bird came up from the deeps of the ocean
formed like a Tornado. The two legendary birds of fire
and lightning seemed very surprised. The Guardian
Of the Sea slowly collected white energy into her
mouth, and then it was a moment of silence....
A white beam exploded from the Guardians mouth.
But Moltres dodged the beam elegance fully and Zapdos used his Thunder attack to distract it and then he dodged it too.
They where fighting for there lives as they knew if the ray stroked them they would be killed.

Lugia noticed that she couldn’t kill them both at the same time so she decided to concentrate on Zapdos first.

She started to follow after Zapdos who was fleeing from the Guardians wrath. She quickly attacked Zapdos with a stream of ice cold water.
But he dodged it as he becamed more and more desperate.
Then he attacked Lugia with all the powers he had left.
Loads of Thunders rushed towards the Guardian, but in the last minute just when the Thunders was about the strike her, she created a barrier around herself. The Thunders was Reflected back at Zapdos which was unware that Lugia could do so. Zapdos was annihilated by its own attack..

Now it was Moltres turn to be eliminated,She started to fly after him, who had looked when the bird of lightning where annihilated, so he knew that there was no idea to attack her, he could just flee. But Lugia saw him and she followed. The Guardian tried to hit Moltres with a Beam of white energy, but Moltres dodged it again.

Now it was Lugia turn to become desperate, Moltres was far faster then herself so she had to slow him down.
She attacked with a smaller stream of water then she had used against the bird of lightning, Moltres didn’t care about dodging as it was so small, but when the stream of water stroked the bird of fire it formed like a tornado of water. That was the slow down Lugia needed.

Then Lugia started again to collect white energy into her mouth and Moltres couldn’t do anything besides looking helplessly at the ray that would kill him. The beam was released, it came closer and closer to Moltres, then it was a big explosion. When the explosion faded out Moltres wasn’t any longer in this world…

A man was looking when 2 of the 3 legendary birds were destroyed and he was looking at this with pleasure.
”Good work my dear Lugia”
He whispered softly.
”Now there is only 1 legendary bird more and when the
bird of frost is annihilated the world shall be mine
until the end of time”

Neo Emolga
06-19-2004, 01:35 PM
Well, since you wanted me as your teacher, I'll help give you some advice.

It was an interesting first chapter, only it seemed to end quite quickly. Both Moltres and Zapdos seemed to be eliminated too quickly. Yes, I know Lugia is powerful, but try to keep the story exciting by making the battle between them longer. Even if Moltres and Zapdos knew Lugia's beam would kill them in a single hit, they would probably be better off trying to dodge Lugia's attack and fight back instead of trying to attack the white beam itself.

Try to make the struggle of Moltres and Zapdos an epic battle, trying to fight for their lives against Lugia. After all, Moltres and Zapdos are still pretty tough too. I'm not sure if you saw it, but the movie Pokemon 2000 clearly illustrates that Lugia did NOT have quite an easy time against the three legendary birds. Maybe try and follow the movie's example to some degree, but don't copy it.

Another thing I noticed was you kept pressing enter halfway on each line during the story. That might just be your preference, but most readers like to see that the line goes all the way across the page.

Again, please don't take any offense to these comments, they're only meant to help you write better. If you would like, I could rewrite your first chapter in the way I would do it, and maybe you could learn something from my example.

06-19-2004, 02:29 PM
Thnx and i would really like that u could re write it if u wanted though thnx alot for the comments ^_^
I will edit it to make the battle longer thnx again ^_^
And the line thingy is because i copy it from MS word
EDIT: I have edit the first chapter now, hope its better ^_^

07-02-2004, 09:05 PM
I know this chapter is kinda short, i will try to make all the other chapters as long as i can, thnx in forward ^_^

Chapter 2
Meet The Bird of Ice

The rain was falling down my cheeks. The weather gods seamed to be in a bad mood today. Ohh, im sorry i havent introduced myself yet well then its best i do it now:
Hi, My name is Max, im a 21 year old boy with black hair and frost blue eyes, at the moment I was cruising around the orange islands.

“When will the rain stop falling down?” I asked myself. I looked up in the sky like i thought i could change the weather just if i looked at the sky. Suddenly I saw something blue flying near the ice island.
“What was that?” I thought for myself. The rain was getting heavier. “I must find someplace where I can stay for the night” Then it seemed like the blue thing was coming against me, when the blue thing came closer it looked like a bird or something.
It was coming against me, I tried to run away but I couldn’t, the birds eyes where focusing right at me. I was caught. I flied closer and closer to me, then it swept over me and grabbed my arms with its claws. The frost blue bird moved towards the Ice island with me caught in its claws. Then everything went black for me.....

07-12-2004, 04:11 PM
The Explanaition

I opened my eyes slowly, then I saw that I was in some kind of laboratory.
At least it looked like that.
Unknown Person: Welcome Max we have been waiting for you.
I jumped up from the ground and turned around. I saw a man who weard a white coat, like the ones lab-scientists usually wears.
Max: Who are you?

Professor Adams: I'm Professor Adams.

Max: Why have you brought me here?

Professor Adams: To tell you about your destiny.

Max: My destiny?! I don’t think you know what’s my destiny is.

Professor Adams: But I do know that so please let me tell you before you start arguing again. You are the Frozen Angel the one that’s supposed to stop Team Rocket from ruling the world, see that wasn’t so hard every people that lives in the orange island knows about the Frozen Angel.

Max: But I don’t live in the orange islands so I don’t have a clue what you’re talking about.

Professor Adams: Then I will tell you, Giovanni caught Lugia and then he killed her, but before she was killed he took DNA from her. Then he mixed her DNA with Groudons DNA to create a Killing Machine.

Max: But didn’t they say on the news that Lugia killed Moltres and Zapdos and now you’re saying its dead?

Professor Adams: Well the Lugia and Groudon mix looks exactly like Lugia, its only much stronger and also slower.

Max: So what do u want me to do?

Professor Adams: Its easy, stop Giovanni from ruling the world and no more but.

Max: But I need to ask some questions.

Professor Adams: Okay, ask on but hurry.

Max: I will try. So Articuno is the only living of the legendary birds now?

Professor Adams: Yes and together with her you will try to stop Giovanni.

Max: Why don’t we just stop him now then?

Professor Adams: Take it easy, first you will need to destroy their laboratory.

Max: Where is Articuno? I think I need her help to destroy that lab.

Professor Adams: She is out and flying but just yell her name and I think she will be coming.

I started to walk towards the opening cause there wasn’t any door here. The lab was located in a cave on the Ice island. When I came out I saw that the rain had stopped to fall down. Then I looked up in the sky and saw Articuno flying towards me, suddenly beams of water where coming from the shores towards Articuno. But it dodged it. I looked down on the shore and saw 4 Cloysters and their trainers.
Max: Professor Adams come quickly there is something you must see!

After a sec he came out of the cave, walking slowly.

Max: Who are those peoples? I asked as I pointed down towards the shore.

Professor Adams: They are Team Blizzard members. They are trying to caught Articuno....

07-12-2004, 07:00 PM
Note: this is the 2nd part of chapter 3 and here i will write from Articunos view when its fighting the 4 Cloysters and the team blizzard members.


I was flying back to my cave when i suddenly saw 4 rays of blue energy coming against me.
I flied up to dodge it, but I was hit on my right wing by one of the rays. It felt like the wing was freezing, so turned my head around and looked at my hurt wing and then I saw that it was becoming a piece of ice. I yelled desperately as I slowed down because only my left wing was flyable. Just when I didn’t notice any other thing but my frozen wing 4 small beams of water came against me and when I was hit by the water it formed like a whirlpool around me, first I felt a terrible pain and then I fell down on the shore next to the 4 cloysters. This must be a nightmare i thought for myself. I closed my eyes slowly to made this pain go away…