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View Full Version : To catch a Zangoose. (Edited Vertion)


Crossfire Chaos
06-23-2004, 03:02 PM
My Journey started like any other day. I awoke to the sound of my Groudon alarm clock, I slowly, lazily get out of the bed nearly falling over myself, I take one glance at the clock and my eyes grow wide. I rush to get dressed. I gets on his clothes; a white jacket Chinese sign for fire on back, Black pants with fire designs, Blue shirt with a Silver Dragon on it, Blue Shades, Black Sneakers. I check his hair; spiked as usual. I slide down the banister and grab a bagel, as I pass my parents they tell me to take care. I grab my backpack I had packed the night before and rush out my front door.

I hike up the volcano near Lavaridge, my hometown. I journey to the peak of the dormant volcano, the heat unbearable, but I keep walking up the volcano, I makes it to the top exhausted. I spot the praised Gym Leader of Lavaridge. The gym leader was talking to another person about giving some of his pokemon to let kids in Lavaridge start there Journey, this trainer soon agreed and let 3 of his pokemon go. I soon realized that there were other kids there with me. They’re journey essentials: Clothes, Backpack, Ect. The pokemon of the trainer soon chose which trainer they wished to protect at all costs. A Prancing Absol chose Rick, the guy next to me, a Dancing Jigglypuff picked the girl, Jean, to the other side, and finally a young Phanpy swore to protect me. We all left for separate ways, I went towards Fallarbor Town and they went in there own direction, all of us with the same goal embedded in our heads, to become pokemon masters….

I finally make it down the steep volcano side, sun blazing, steaming, and half knocked out. I rush to the nearest Pokemon Center Phanpy by my side cooling off by flapping its light-blue ears. I notice Nurse Joy and ask to have Phanpy healed, but Phanpy refuses with its high-pitched squeal. I sign up as a trainer, and I enter the Hoenn league. Nurse joy hands out to me some pokeballs, a pokedex, and a Trainer Card. She asks me if I wish to name my pokemon. I say yes and think up names with my pokemon we argue for a while, then we finally both agree on Don. Don and I get some rest so that we would have energy the next day. The next morning Don and I set off to fight a pokemon and catch it if my fate allowed me I would catch me a Zangoose! As the fire blazed brightly in our eyes, Don and I set off to Route 114.

Do and I trudge slowly threw the fields, we had seen nothing at all worth catching on our journey along the way, I was our 4th day of searching for the elusive Zangoose. We had spotted many different birds, but no Zangoose, and we still were trying to find a Zangoose. We spot grassy fields were we start searching again for that Zangoose. We search threw the grass near the cave and immediately set our sight on a Shiny Zangoose. It and a Large Seviper were fighting, both of them obviously very high-ranking Pokemon in there tribes. I see that they were fighting for a while now and that they both were tired. I send Don out and attack the Shiny Zangoose, The Zangoose growls and gets into a fighting position while the Seviper slithers back to see the Zangoose lose.

“Don Use Tackle!” I yell, I test this Zangoose, as I knew how formidable they were. Don rolls into a ball and rolls down the hill its ears flat against its body. Don strikes the Zangoose in the head and sends it staggering I knew that wouldn’t finish it off. Zangoose merely stands there with a eerie glow in its eyes. “Don send it sailing with your rollout!” already in motion Don shreds the Zangoose with another of its blows. I think just wait until it’s a Donphan then it’ll really show some carnage. The Zangoose again stagers and stands back up with its eerie glow in it’s eyes. “Continue the assault Don, Your doing great, It’s too scared to move!” Don’s momentum caries him straight into Zangoose plowing threw its claws it uses to try and stop him. I see that evil, sinister glint in Zangoose’s eye and I know that something is terrible wrong. I smack myself, how could I not see it? It was right in my face and I didn’t realize it! “Don brace yourself Zangoose is about to unleash it’s primal fury; it’s CRUSH CLAW!” and so it does after 2 turns of powering it’s attack with SWORDS DANCE Zangoose sets it’s attack on poor Don.

“MOVE OUTA THE WAY DON!” I scream, but it’s too late and the Zangoose launches into the air claws poised and aims for Don, a huge explosion of dirt erupts. When the smoke clears a crater appears, then something extraordinary happens Don rises from the dirt, stone and filth he was knocked into. Don is rushing back out of the crater, staggering and bruised it stares at me, and from the look he gave me I knew he didn’t want to back down. I nod and tell him “Don try a take down attack.” Don races towards the tired Zangoose its eyes ablaze it surges its head into the stomach of the Zangoose bringing it to its knees. ,but the battle is far from over as Zangoose send Don flying with a uppercut Slash attack. As don lands I send the command “Don now use your special attack; Double-edge!” Don just stands there a confused look on its

Crossfire Chaos
06-23-2004, 03:04 PM
face. Zangoose gets a chance to strike and had used it with a pursuit attack , Don looks like it can’t fight but it warily gets up, just as Zangoose is about to finish Don off, the Seviper Lunges and Bites into Zangoose shoulder causing them to fight. I spot a berry on a tree I grab it and give it to Don, I knew It was not much, but it was all I could do to keep it from fainting. Don feels better and is even more convinced that he should win the battle, for it’s Trainer, no, Friend.

Don Gets up to the top of a giant hill and curls up into a ball it starts to glow white and starts to roll down the hill, leaving a trail of it Defense Curl’s light behind. It rolls faster and faster aiming strait for Zangoose “TACKLE ATTACK!” I yell to my Pokemon and it jumps up, or rather bounces to be high enough to hit Zangooses head. Zangoose and the Seviper are still fighting, but the Seviper, Its job done jumps off of Zangoose, and watches merrily as Keith Flame’s Phanpy hits the head of it long time rival, the Zangoose. Zangooses stagers, but then he unleashes his Quick attack on Don, Don still rolling starts to move even faster thanks to the push Zangoose gave. “Don, Finish it off with a Rollout attack!” Don rushes strait back at Zangoose and starts to pelt it with a furry of rollouts, Don starts to get tire though and with his strongest blow yet he strikes Zangoose and sends it sailing, When it hits the ground Don is there with a flail attack he rapidly hits the Zangoose. The Zangoose, ticked right now slashes Don with a lot of power, but sadly uses its strength up and can’t get up. Don falls to the ground tired also. Zangoose is just about to get up when a pokeball hits it knocking it unconscious. Then there is a blast of red light as it is sucked into the pokeball. My eyes shine as I return Don with his pokeball, watching as the Pokeball slowly tilts the back and forth…

Scorch Ry
06-26-2004, 10:56 PM
Details: 5/10
There were descriptions that I could particially visualize. Try improving the character's facial details. You described his outfit pretty good, which I enjoyed visualizing in my mind! ^_^. Also, you described the outdoor settings okay, but you could have added more descriptions. Always go for more! ^_^. But, you didn't describe how the Crush Claw was, nor how the Swords Dance activated. Usually, pokemon spin around to use Swords Dance, so I didn't know what it was doing. You described Don's attacks okay, but always go for more!

Length: 5/10
The length was short. The paragraphs were in good length, but try adding more paragraphs. Descriptions and character backgrounds helps in this section. Always go for more! ^_^

Battle: 5/10
The battle was okay. Sure, Zangoose didn't attack as much, but it was reasonable. However, Zangoose are tougher pokemon and need more length. This is the basic requirement for Zangoose, so make sure that you make Zangoose stronger than what it was.

Spelling/Grammar: 7/10 A few minor mistakes, but all in all, it was okay. Make sure to watch out for unusable words in the right sentences. ^_^

Realty: 3/10 This was something I couldn't believe. Your trainer looks for a little bit and BAM! There's a Shiny Zangoose. It should take at least 5-9 days before finding any shiny pokemon, even longer than that. That dragged down your score alot. Try going for a regular Zangoose instead of a Shiny Zangoose.

{Outcome: 25/50 = 50/100 - Shiny Zangoose: Not Captured!}
Try finding a regular Zangoose first before trying to write a story for any shiny pokemon. And make the battle longer. ^_^. Always improve everything!

Crossfire Chaos
06-26-2004, 11:53 PM
sry I Forgot to post and say that I was remaking it, hehe. anyway I'm not done yet so I'll POst again and say when it's done...