Machop Masters

[The Elite Ygseto]

Flaaffy and the Gym

After catching his Mareep, Ygseto wanted her to evolve.

“Hey, RD, where is a good place to train my Flaaffy?” Ygseto said grooming the sheep’s fur.

RD pulled out a folded piece of blue paper. He unfolded it, thepaper was actually a map. Rd poked it a few times and said, “Well there’s a flying gym in Violet City. Electric is good on flying types, so I would say Violet City Gym would be an great place to train your Mareep.”

Ygseto recalled Mareep into it’s red Pokeball. “Ok how far away s Violet City?”

“It should right over there beyond the trees. Hey where are you going?”

Ygseto had ran off into the thin wood line that concealed the city. “I’m going to battle the Violet City Gym Leader!”

“Oh crap he’s doing that outgoing hero thing again,” and RD chased after him.

They ran until they got to this beautiful building. It was lined with gold, and painted with different blues.The Sliding Glass where engraved with the words. ‘Violet City Gym.’

Ygseto and RD walked up to the doors as they slid into small crevices in the wall, reviling a dark room. A loud, deep voice call out. “Who are you, and what do you want?”

Ygseto stepped up, “I’m Ygseto, and I wish to challenge the gym!”

“Oh,” The same voice said but it sounded younger. “In that case you may have what you want!” Large spotlights turned on, reviling a large battlefield.

A man of his 20’s walked out of the darkness. He had purple hair, a khaki vest covering a red tee-shirt, and a pair of long, baggy cargo pants. “I’m Violet City Gym Leader, Falkner! I’m the best Flying Pokemon master there has ever been.”
“Howdy,” Ygseto said, “Can I battle you for your badge?”

Falkner grinned, “You certainly may! This’ll be a 1 on 1 match. Now go Pidgeotto!” Falkner threw a gold Pokeball onto the battlefield, it blasted open and reveled a huge red Bird.

“Pidgyyyyy, ottoooooo!” The large bird chirped.

“Ok go Mareep!” Ygseto threw Mareep’s Pokeball onto the battlefield. A small sheep like Pokemon onto the battle field. “Mareep use your thundershock attack!” A yellow bolt formed on marrep and shot at Pidgeotto, but the bird dodged the oncoming attack.

“Hump, you are a amateur trainer. You didn’t think I had a strategy for electric Pokemon did you?” Falkner said, “Now Pidgeotto use Mud Slap!”
Brow mud spat up from the ground and smacked Mareep on her left side.
The attack damaged the small Pokemon very badly.

‘Oh crap,’ Ygseto thought to himself, ‘What am I going to do? And how will I do it?’ He stood there for a second and thought. “Ahhh haaa! I got it! Mareep run and jump on Pidgeotto’s head and hold on as best as you can!”

The sheep ran as fast as her little feet would let her and pounced on Pidgeotto’s head. The stactic from Mareep’s fur paralyzed the bird stiff.

“Oh no!” Falkner screamed.

“Oh yes!” Ygseto said grinning, “Mareep jump off, and clip Pidgeotto’s wings with a Thunder attack!

Mareep jumped down and zapped the hell out of Pidgeotto. Pidgeotto fell on it’s side burnt to a crisp.

“Crap,” Falkner said “Pidgeotto return!” the gold ball shot a beam of red light, and sucked the bird in.”

Mareep was jumping because of the win, and she started to glow. Her shape changed, she could walk on 2 leggs, and she had pink fur.

“Yeah, Mareep is evolved into a Flaaffy!” Ygseto said.

“Congrats Ygseto.” Falkner said. “This belongs to you now.” Falkner handed Ygseto a feather shaped badge.

“Yeahhhh, Woooo, Yipheeeee! My First badge.” Ygseto shuck Falkner’s Hand and left the gym with a badge and a new Pokemon.

[The Elite Ygseto]

Machop

The twosome walked out of the gym. Ygseto was bloating about his win and how it was so easy. This happened until they got to the entrance to a cave.

RD pointed at cave and said, “I wonder if we can find any new Pokemon in there.”

“Why don’t we check it out?” Ygseto said walking into the dark entrance.

They both pulled out their flash lights, and walked in. The cave seemed to be very dry and dark. They walked along for about 5 minutes until RD saw something

Hey is that an exit? RD said pointing to a hole in the wall with light pouring out.

They walked towards the door, the closer they got the louder a sound of skin against skin broke the normal silence of the cave. They walked through the door to see two Machop fighting. The two Machop where kicking and punching at each other but nether of them laid a hit on the other because, they where blocking and dodging each other’s attacks.

RD whispered, “Hey you should catch one of them.”

The Machop heard this and one scampered of while one stayed back. The Machop looked as though it was covered in mud, but Ygseto disregarded the color and said, “Hey you wanna fight?”

The Machop flexed it mucles and squezzed out a “Chhoppppp!”

“I’ll take that as a yes!” Ygseto crowed. “Get ready for the Fight of your life.”

[The Elite Ygseto]

Battle

How about this Pokemon for starters? “Go Beldum! Use Take Down!”

Beldum cut through the air with a loud zip. He was closing in on Machop when all of a sudden Machop’s hand started to glow. He pulled back his arm, and right when Beldum was in rage he chopped at him. This sent Beldum into a tailspin.

“Dum! Beldum! Bel!” Beldum squealed as he spun and hit the wall.

“Wow that wasn’t good.” Ygseto said. He recalled Beldum and sent out Cyndaquil’s Pokeball out. “Go Cyndaquil!”

A black and tan mouse appeared. When it said ‘Cyndaquil’ Flames shot out of it’s back. It sqeaked, “Cyndaquil, quil quil!”

“Ok Cyndaquil use Firewheel!” Ygseto ordered.

The mouse’s eyes glowed and a large ring of fire shot out of its mouth. The flame circled Machop and it squeezed Machop; the flame disappeared.

“Chopppppppp!” Machop screamed from the burn he induced. The quickly forgot about the burn and he remembered he had to defeat the Cyndaquil. He pulled back his hand a quickly smacked Cyndaquil.

“Quilllllllll!!” Cyndaquil squeaked.

Machop winched from the pain of the burn. He looked a little light headed and he passed out.

“Hey,” Ygseto said, with a ed eyebrow. He grabbed a Pokeball and threw it at him.

1… 2… Will it lock?

[Scorch Ry]

Aleyquala's Grade #2
Detail: 3/10
Ygsteo, this brought your score down very badly. You need descriptions, descriptions and more descriptions. The only thing I could particially visualize was the Violet City Gym...that is all. Try describing your settings more, and maybe consider describing how your character looks. I wonder what he looks like...hmm...^_^

Battle: 3/10
The battle wasn't good. I know that Machop had a type advantage against Beldum, but that isn't right to make Beldum faint in one move. Make Beldum gets alot more moves in with Machop, then let Cyndaquil finish out Machop for the capture. Honestly, both battles could have been longer. Falkner may have flying-types, but that's where you use your imagination the most. Try to make battles interesting and give attacks!

Spelling/Grammar: 8/10
A few common mistakes, but nothing really major.

Story: 6/10
It was okay for a start. Try getting more descriptions in and making the battles last longer. This is no qualified for capturing a Machop, to be very honest.

Realty: 5/10
Well, realty would have been a perfect score. But, I cut it in half because since I don't know the trainer in the story, I don't really know if this would happen to him or not.

{Outcome: 25/50 = 50/100: Machop Not Captured!} *Try Adding Descriptions And Improving The Battle and Machop Is Yours.*

[The Elite Ygseto]

Ok, i'll work on it. One thing you need to know is that Ygseto & RD are part of a growing story.

[Scorch Ry]

I understand perfectly now. Like I said before, just add more attacks and descriptions and Machop will be in your possession.

[The Elite Ygseto]

Cool deal, i'll work on it tonight and tommarow.

[The Elite Ygseto]

Flaaffy and the Gym

After catching his Mareep, Ygseto wanted her to evolve.

“Hey, RD, where is a good place to train my Mareep?” Ygseto said grooming the sheep’s fur.

Ygseto was a headstrong person with an outgoing personality. He wore a new navy tee-shirt, some long tan shorts, and red Converse All-Stars.

RD was Ygseto’s right-hand man. RD was the one who never really got along with other people, he’s also very compassionate. He wore a white tee-shirt, blur shorts that resembled Ygseto’s, and some leather sandals.

RD pulled out a folded piece of blue paper. He unfolded it, the paper was actually a map. Rd poked it a few times and said, “Well there’s a flying gym in Violet City. Electric is good on flying types, so I would say Violet City Gym would be a great place to train your Mareep.”

Ygseto recalled Mareep into its red Pokeball. “Ok how far away s Violet City?”

“It should right over there beyond the trees. Hey where are you going?”

Ygseto had ran off into the thin wood line that concealed the city. “I’m going to battle the Violet City Gym Leader!”

“Oh crap, he’s doing that outgoing hero thing again,” and RD chased after him.

They ran until they got to this beautiful building. It was lined with gold, and painted with different blues. The sliding glass doors where engraved with the words, ‘Violet City Gym.’

Ygseto and RD walked up to the doors as they slid into small crevices in the wall, reviling a dark room. A loud, deep voice called out. “Who are you, and what do you want?”

Ygseto stepped further into the dark room, and said. “I’m Ygseto, and I wish to challenge the gym!”

“Oh,” The same voice said but it sounded younger. “In that case you may have what you want!” Large spotlights turned on, reviling a large battlefield. The floor was a light blue , and it had an airy look to it.

A man of his 20’s walked out of the darkness. He had purple hair, a khaki vest covering a red tee-shirt, and a pair of long, baggy cargo pants. “I’m Violet City Gym Leader, Falkner! I’m the best Flying Pokemon master there has ever been.”

“Howdy,” Ygseto said, “Can I battle you for your badge?”

Falkner grinned, “You certainly may! This’ll be a 1 on 1 match. Now go Pidgeotto!” Falkner threw a shining gold Pokeball onto the blue battlefield. It blasted open and reveled a red Bird.

“Pidgyyyyy, ottoooooo!” The large bird chirped. He flapped his wings and soared into the air.

“Ok I’ll start off with some sparks. Go Mareep!” Ygseto threw Mareep’s Pokeball onto the battlefield. A small sheep like Pokemon was reveled on the battle field. “Mareep use your Thundershock attack!” A yellow bolt formed on Mareep and shot at Pidgeotto. The bird dodged the oncoming attack, with a quick maneuver.

“Hump, you are an amateur trainer. You didn’t think I had a strategy for electric Pokemon did you? Kids come in here thinking they are all that with their Pikachu and Mareep” Falkner said, “Now Pidgeotto use Mud Slap!”
An onslaught of brown mud spat up from the ground and smacked Mareep on her left side. The attack damaged the small Pokemon very badly.

‘Oh crap,’ Ygseto thought to himself, ‘What am I going to do? And how will I do it?’ He stood there for a second and thought. “Ahhh haaa! I got it! Mareep run and jump on Pidgeotto’s head and hold on as best as you can!”

The sheep ran as fast as her little feet would let her and pounced on Pidgeotto’s head. The stactic from Mareep’s fur paralyzed the bird stiff.

“Oh no!” Falkner screamed.

“Oh yes!” Ygseto said grinning, “Mareep jump off, and clip Pidgeotto’s wings with a Thunder attack!

Mareep jumped down and zapped the hell out of Pidgeotto. Pidgeotto fell on it’s side burnt to a crisp.

“Crap,” Falkner said “Pidgeotto return!” the gold ball shot a beam of red light, and sucked the bird in.”

Mareep was jumping because of the win, and she started to glow. Her shape changed, she could walk on 2 leggs, and she had pink fur.

“Yeah, Mareep is evolved into a Flaaffy!” Ygseto said.

“Congrats Ygseto.” Falkner said. “This belongs to you now.” Falkner handed Ygseto a feather shaped badge.

“Yeahhhh, Woooo, Yipheeeee! My First badge.” Ygseto shuck Falkner’s Hand and left the gym with a badge and a new Pokemon.

[The Elite Ygseto]

Machop

The twosome walked out of the gym. Ygseto was bloating about his win and how it was so easy. This happened until they got to the entrance to a cave.

RD pointed at cave and said, “I wonder if we can find any new Pokemon in there.”

“Why don’t we check it out?” Ygseto said walking into the dark entrance.

They both pulled out their flash lights, and walked in. The cave seemed to be very dry and dark. They walked along for about 5 minutes until RD saw something

Hey is that an exit? RD said pointing to a hole in the wall with light pouring out.

They walked towards the door, the closer they got the louder a sound of skin against skin broke the normal silence of the cave. They walked through the door to see two Machop fighting. The two Machop where kicking and punching at each other but nether of them laid a hit on the other because, they where blocking and dodging each other’s attacks.

RD whispered, “Hey you should catch one of them.”

The Machop heard this and one scampered of while one stayed back. The Machop looked as though it was covered in mud, but Ygseto disregarded the color and said, “Hey you wanna fight?”

The Machop flexed it mucles and squezzed out a “Chhoppppp!”

“I’ll take that as a yes!” Ygseto crowed. “Get ready for the Fight of your life.”

[The Elite Ygseto]

Battle

How about this Pokemon for starters? “Go Beldum! Use Take Down!”

Beldum cut through the air with a loud zip. He was closing in on Machop when all of a sudden Machop’s hand started to glow. He pulled back his arm, and right when Beldum was in rage he chopped at him. This sent Beldum into a tailspin.

“Dum! Beldum! Bel!” Beldum squealed as he spun and hit the wall.

“Beldum, you ok?” Ygseto questioned. Beldum shook its body up and down, as if say yes. “Ok, good. Now use another Take Down.

Beldum ziped through the air at a magnificent speed, his body shining in the dim light of the cave. He knocked right into Machop, sending the human like Pokemon to the ground.

“Chop!” Machop roared. Machop got up from the ground with an evil face on. His lower right leg started to glow as he jumped into the air and hit Beldum right in the face.

“Dummmm!” Beldum squealed as he hit the wall behind him. He landed one the ground with spinning eyes.

“Good job Beldum.” Ygseto said recalling the mattalic blue machine. He threw out another Pokeball, “Go Cyndaquil!”

A black and tan mouse appeared. When it said ‘Cyndaquil’ Flames shot out of it’s back. It sqeaked, “Cyndaquil, quil quil!”

“Ok Cyndaquil use Firewheel!” Ygseto ordered.

The mouse’s eyes glowed and a large ring of fire shot out of its mouth. The flame circled Machop and it squeezed Machop; the flame disappeared.

“Chopppppppp!” Machop screamed from the burn he induced. The quickly forgot about the burn and he remembered he had to defeat the Cyndaquil. He pulled back his hand a quickly smacked Cyndaquil.

“Quilllllllll!!” Cyndaquil squeaked.

Machop winched from the pain of the burn. He got back up and smaked Cyndaquil over and over. He musty of hit Cyndaquil 10 times befor Machop became exhausted.

Cyndaquil was now in really bad shape. He had cuts, bruises, and on him. He could barely lift his head.

“Oh man you look beat Cyndaquil,” Ygseto said, “But do ya think you can do another Flamewheel?”

“Quil!” Cyndaquil said as he lifted his head slowly. “Quil!” and a fire wheel shot out of his mouth, and did off Machop.

“Good job,” Ygseto said, “Go pokeball!”. He grabbed a Pokeball and threw it at him.

1… 2… Will it lock?

[Scorch Ry]

Aleyquala's Grade #4
Story: 8/10
The story was alot better. Adding a few more attacks brung out the battles a bit more, plus making me have a visual of your character. Good improvement!

Details: 6/10
The details were better. However, you could have described things a little better than what you did. But, it was a major improvement than last time.

Realty: 10/10
The realty was exactly how a strong trainer with a Mareep would finish a battle! Great work! ^_^.

Spelling/Grammar: 8/10
A few minor mistakes, nothing major. Make sure not to rush and to slowly examine your fic, trying to find mistakes.

Battle: 6/10
Both of the battles were a bit better, but the Machop battle improved better. Make sure, next time, add more attacks in because Beldum could have lasted longer than what it did.

{Outcome: 38/100 = 76/100} {Machop: Captured!} *It Was Improved, But Still Needed Improvement. Make Battles Longer And Better!*