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ace557
07-08-2004, 08:40 PM
Ok my name is Ace I just moved here to the Hoenn region from Johto I'm 14 and had to leave all my pokemon with my friend Bill but I know he'll take good care of them any way this is my story...

"Beep...Welcome" Beeped the computer

"Hmm I wonder if the person who thinks there Prof. Birch is on? Hi is this Prof. Birch?" I typed.

"Yes it is why?" They typed.

"Just asking so if I where to move to Littleroot Town where can I find you?" I typed.

"Wow if you moved to Littleroot Town you could find me in my lab right there!" They typed.

"Well that’s where I'm headed so see you soon I guess." I typed.

"Well how old are you?" They typed.

"Me...? Well I'm 14 and had at least 20 pokemon but had to leave them with a friend when we moved." I typed.

"That’s to bad but maybe I can help I have 3 newly caught pokemon you might like." They typed.

"Well when we get there I'll see you about it okay?" I typed.

"Okay then bye." They typed.

"Prof. Birch has signed off." Beeped the computer

"Ace we’re there son!" Yelled Mom.

"Okay mom be right there!" I yelled back.

"Good bye Beep." Beeped the computer.

"Hmm so this is Littleroot Town?" I said.

"Yes it is why do you ask? Oh wait I know why you ask your not used to this small a town! Ok well Ace we just got you a new clock its in your room will you go and set it please?” asked Mom

“Sure Mom I'll go set it and be right back down.” I said

”So this is my new room? Well I'll just set my new... what the? is that a LAB?! I think it is and what if... no that can't be right can it? Hmmm where’s that clock again? Oh here it is lets see its 9:05 AM Wow it was only 5:00 PM when we left and now its 9:05 AM here well I guess time moves differently here ok now lets see what I still have on with me. OH MAN ONLY A POTION!!!! Oh well I can get some more stuff at the Pokemart in town...”
I thought.

“Sorry honey but the nearest Pokemart is in Oldale Town” said Mom

“WHAT!!!! There’s no Pokemart in this town!!! Oh well I guess I’ll go sleep or something then.” I said
“Oh no you don't your going to meat the neighbors right now Ace!” Mom yelled at me.

“Okay, okay I'm going right now be back soon bye Mom.” I said “Bye Ace.”

”Ok now where should I go first?” I said foolishly not looking where I was going.

“OUCH!” said a Voice.

“Sorry I wasn’t looking where I was going.” I apologized.

“It’s ok I'm looking for Prof. Birch do you know where he is?” said a young girl in her early teens.

“Well I didn’t even know that he lived here but I can help you find him as soon as I'm done meeting the neighbors see I'm new to Hoenn and well you get it right?” I said.

“Well I'm a new trainer and came to get a Pokemon from him... Oh I didn’t mean to be rude my name’s May nice to meet you...Um I didn’t catch your name.” Said May.

"Oh my name’s Ace nice to meet you May.” I said.

“Hi they’re May and Ace my name is Brendan.I just got here to see I'm a new trainer to and well what May said.” Said a young boy about the same age as May.

“Ok well let me meat the neighbor and we'll find him.” I said.

“Well I guess we’re off to find him then.” Said Brendan.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Well he's the only other person that lives here.” Explained Brendan.

“Oh okay well lets go then.” I said.

“Okay now then I think his lab is over here.” I said.

“Well I think we should find May first if you didn’t notice she left.” Sniggered Brendan.

“What okay let’s find her and Prof. Birch then see if I can get a pokemon to.” I replied.

“Okay but I think we should ask her.” Said Brendan pointing behind me slightly sniggering.

“What MAY I DIDEN'T SEE YOU THERE!!!” I yelled “so was he in the lab?”

“No he's not but his assistant said he was doing "field research" on route 101 right up there” she said pointing over Brendan’s shoulder.

“Okay then...Lets go” I said.

“HELP ME!!!!” called a voice.

“What the?! Prof. Birch?!” we said.

“Yes and the three Poochyena are chasing me please help use the three pokeballs on the ground there in front of my bag!” He yelled from the tree he was climbing up.

“What do we do?!” said Brendan and May.

“Throw them!” I said.

We all picked one, threw it and out came Mudkip, Torchic and Treeko.

“Um... What type of pokemon is Mudkip?” I asked.

“Yea what type is Torchic?” asked May.

“Treeko is what type again?” Brendan asked.

“Um... Mudkip is Water Element, Torchic is Fire Element, and Treeko is Grass Element.” Yelled Prof. Birch.

“Okay lets go!” we said.

“Torchic Ember attack!” Yelled May.

“Mudkip Water Gun attack!” I yelled.

“Treeko Pound attack!” Yelled Brendan.

“Poochyena?” Yelled the three wild Poochyena.

“Torchic!” Chirped the Torchic.

“Treeko!” Said the Treeko.

“Mudkip!” Yelled the Mudkip.

“Wow I had no idea that they could use those moves!” thought Prof. Birch.

“Yea we did it!” we yelled triumphantly.
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I hope you like my edited fic :oops:

Tamer Marco
07-08-2004, 08:42 PM
Ehhh... gewd job...

ace557
07-08-2004, 08:44 PM
what did i do ronge? (other then spelling :oops: )

Tamer Marco
07-08-2004, 09:37 PM
Okay, I really can't say a thing because i'm not the FF writer myself. But first of all it kinda makes it hard to read it when you put smileys and a whole lotta different colors in there all in the mix. Quotation marks and saying who's talking might help a bit. Add a little more description and you'll be on your way to FF writing! :happy: Let's see if this will work. And I didn't get a word out of your talking in the beggining.

HondoomMaster
07-09-2004, 01:50 AM
Well it was ok. Though really you need to work on the fan fic. People can't see description with just talking, also if you are going to make people talk say there name and space the talking like you see in a book or FF here on PE2K. Use whatever style writing like mine with quotation marks around the talking and saying who said it like: "Man I hope I can win," I said. Or like JIG's script writing: Me: I hope I can win.

Thats all you really need, telling whose speaking, paragraphs with description and you will have a FF. Thats all I have to say.

Dr Skottie
07-09-2004, 03:50 AM
Hey man, I would give you some hints and stuff but due to some stuff going on, you might think i'm attacking you. If you want a good idea of the things the above people were talking about, click on my banner. It will take you straight to my trainer story. Mine was voted the best trainer story here, so go check it out, get some ideas and keep writing. Remember, practice makes perfect :happy:

Agent Orange
07-09-2004, 12:51 PM
The page cannot be found
The page you are looking for might have been removed, had its name changed, or is temporarily unavailable.

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Please try the following:

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Open the www.empireirc.net home page, and then look for links to the information you want.
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HTTP 404 - File not found
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The link is broken.

Tamer Marco
07-09-2004, 03:37 PM
The page cannot be found
The page you are looking for might have been removed, had its name changed, or is temporarily unavailable.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Please try the following:

If you typed the page address in the Address bar, make sure that it is spelled correctly.

Open the www.empireirc.net home page, and then look for links to the information you want.
Click the Back button to try another link.
Click Search to look for information on the Internet.



HTTP 404 - File not found
Internet Explorer
__________________________________________________ _______________


The link is broken. Huh? That's odd...

ace557
07-12-2004, 07:06 PM
ok i have the edited vershon up now :razz:

Jessu
07-13-2004, 12:05 AM
Cool FanFic Ace! Hope it turns out good later in the story!

Dr Skottie
07-13-2004, 06:28 AM
Hey man. Its nice to see you have broken up the lines, much easier to read now. Okay next thing. Where is your description? At the moment, its just a bunch of talking. There is no mention of what the characters look like, what the place looks like, the smells, the sounds. Its just dialogue at the moment. Go check out my story again, and read what I have done so far on my latest chapter, chapter 33. Have a look at the way i described things, and the pokemon battle too. Check it out, and try and add more detail to your story. Keep it up!