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Zan Sabrefang
09-08-2004, 03:59 PM
"That's it Heracross. That's enough sap for today. Heracross?" Zan's face fell as his pokémon ignored him and continued suckling at the tree. "Heracross!" He stormed over to it and attempted to pry it from the gigantic oak. "Come... On... Heracross!" No matter how hard he tugged and pulled, the pokémon's grip didn't faulter.

Thirty minutes later Zan sat puffing and wheezing beside his bloated companion, who lazed in the shade of the tree with its freshly stuffed gut. The setting sun casting interesting shadows with a red glow. "Thanks for that Heracross... Now there's no way we'll be able to train... It's already getting dark out here... That and I don't think you could move if you tried." A rustle from the bushes opposite them made both their heads turn, Zan petrified of the dark, shook and trembled as he held onto Heracross.

Loud mumbles came from the same direction and Zan's fear lifted and he became excited. The sound was strangely familiar to him. He had carefully studdied the nine most common starting pokémon and this was one of his favourites. He stood up quickly and nudged his Heracross who clambered onto its feet and quickly began to beat its wings, hovering just above the ground.

As the pair got closer, the sounds got quieter until eventually they stopped. "I think it heard us coming... Shoot." Heracross lowered to its feet and looked around just before a shadow suddenly leapt from no where and pounced on Zan, knocking him to the floor. "It is! It's a Totodile!" Heracross dug its feet into the ground, preparing for a tackle attack. "Wait Heracross!" It was too late, it had charged and Totodile had already moved, leaving Zan to get trampled by his own pokémon. "Thanks..."

Zan scrambled to his feet and stared at the Totodile, Heracross at his side. "I wanna catch this one, plus we can get some training done too. Start off with a fury attack. Go!" Heracross lifted above the ground once again and shot towards the Totodile, horn first. He unleashed a flurry of stabbing motions with its huge horn, knocking its opponent to the floor. "Yeah! That's right!"

The Totodile squirmed to its feet and lowered its head, gazing evilly at Heracross, then blasted him with water gun, the huge blue bug slamming into the oak tree it had fed upon earlier. It ran towards the stunned bug and raised its paw. "It's gonna slash you! Counter!" Heracross ducked under the attack and slid his horn under the crocodile type and catapulted it into the air. It follwed up with a horn attack, jumping above the Totodile and batting it into the ground.

Totodile rose to its feet puffing and panting, one eye closed in pain from the last attack. It puffed up its chest and shook off its wounds. Zan looked on then realised what was happening. "Get ready Heracross... Wait for me to say so, then use your megahorn." Heracross nodded and dug its feet into the ground again. The Totodile threw its head forward and unleashed its devastating hydro pump, a massive stream of water aimed directly at the bug. "Now!!" Heracross leapt into the stream of water and cut through it with its mighty horn. When the torrent had passed a powerful beam shot from the horn and slammed into the rib cage of the tired enemy, throwing it into the ground. "Now..." Zan pulled a pokéball from his loosely hanging belt and launched it at the Totodile, sapping it up in a flash of red. "...we'll see."

((OOC: Can a judge tell me if the ball was successful please?))

Zan Sabrefang
10-18-2004, 09:53 AM
In a huge flash of red light, the ball flew back into Zan's hand, the Totodile standing infront of him, pulling a face with a huge goofy grin. It leapt into the air its legs flailing like that of a ballerina before it cartwheeled around the field. Zan and Heracross stood in shock. Both their faces a picture of embarrassment and frustration at the heckling opponent. The Totodile waved before jumping into the pond and disappearing, much to Zan's dismay. "Can you believe that thing?!" He yelled in frustration. "Stupid pokémon. It's probably uncontrollable anyway."

Zan and Heracross packed up and left the clearing, continueing their journey. The forest area was dark and a little creepy. The pair walked as close to each other as possible without falling over one another. This forest was known for its creepy pokémon. All types of things were said to have happened. Disappearances, mysterious attacks and even some wild tales about death and brain eating. Zan had just shrugged them off before. Not being superstitious at all. But being there got all his thoughts racing. Every sound and rustle making him jump out of his skin. "Heracross... I think we're being followed... You should go check it out..." He pushed the Heracross infront of him and it struggled to return to his side. "Come... On... Heracross... Pokémon aren't supposed to be scaredy cats." A loud rustle filled the air and a shadow shot passed them. the pair close to hugging each other in fear.

The shadow got closer everytime it revealed itself, finally getting close enough for Zan to realise... "It's that Totodile!" It laughed heartily and bounded around, as if dancing.

Zan twitched slightly and gripped at his pokéball, now even more determined to capture it. "Okay Heracross!" He shouted, his voice filled with determination. "Time to take this thing out." Heracross stomped into a ready position and the Totodile mocked him before falling onto its back with laughter, clutching its stomach. Zan twitched in anger, as did his poké-partner. "Okay Heracross. He's going down!" Flames appeared in his eyes as he bellowed his order for the attack. "Horn attack!"

Heracross took off across the clearing, travelling so fast, it left a dust cloud in its wake. The Totodile rolled to its feet and cartwheeled out of the way, pouncing straight into a slash attack. "Counter Heracross!" The blue bug stopped the attempted attack using its horn as a shield and grabbed onto the opponent using a Tombstone move as a reversal, dropping the Totodile on its head and stunning it momentarily. "Okay Heracross! Megahorn!" Heracross scooped up the foe with its horn and launched it into the air, preparing to bat it with its horn as it fell. The Totodile however, had other ideas and fired a water gun towards the bushes, propelling itself out of range.

It landed on its feet and pulled another face at Zan as it did a one handed handstand. Zan just smiled and nodded as a sign for the Totodile to look behind it. As it turned it was met by a powerful horn attack, straight to the gut. "Now! Fury attack!" Heracross grinned, victory in its claws and unleashed a barrage of attacks to the opponent, a few of which were dodged by the agile creature. It flew backwards and landed squarely on its feet, quickly launching a Hydro Pump. "Heracross! Endure!" Heracross lowered its head and crossed it's arms in front of its face, the torrent of water hitting him hard. As the spray and mist, caused by the impact dissipated, Heracross was stood firm a slight grimace on its face, but also a sly smile.

"Finish it off Heracross!" Zan called. "Take Down, now!" Heracross pounced hard and fast, smashing its shoulder into the gut off the Totodile, winding it and throwing it to the floor. The pair of pokémon stood up, both dazed and injured from the brutal attack. Zan called Heracross back into its pokéball and also threw one at the Totodile, taking advantage of its condition. The ball screeched through the air and slammed into the Totodile's head, sucking it into a flash of red. The ball fell to the floor and wobbled for a while as Zan watched in anticipation.

boltAge
10-18-2004, 12:47 PM
Well, I'd count this as a comment, but since you want a grade...

Story: Well, most of us graders would tell you "DONT DO A MEET AND CATCH STORY". But I kinda stopped doing that. Firstly, if you want to do those 'Meet a Pokemon and catch it right away' story, you have to have a really good story, and a really, really good story for a rare Pokemon(usually Pokemon like Eevee, who are usually rare). In this case, you're catching a Totodile, which isn't really that rare. But still, there's no story here, so I'll just skip this section(Such a long paragraph for absolutely nothing, lolol).

Grammar: Didn't really notice any mistakes. And uh, I think it sorta belongs here, but hey, w/e. Uhh..try to label who is actually speaking. You're just putting in "wordswordswords" and didn't really say who actually said those things. I know as a reader, we would naturally know it's you talking,

Details: Nice details. Nothing much to say here, it's either good or bad. Good for you.

Battle: Hmm, of a decent length. Maybe try letting Totodile put up some funny tricks or something, Totodiles are famous for their agilty, so maybe let it escape or play some tricks on you. Maybe that'll work.

Outcome: Totodile Not Captured.

Work a little on the battle, while maybe adding more on the story(Like how you got into the forest and stuff, but that'd be sorta pointless, but maybe you could go for a similar idea).

Zan Sabrefang
10-20-2004, 01:27 PM
((Updated))

boltAge
10-21-2004, 04:17 AM
There were some stuff I told you that wasn't really corrected, but still, nice one.

Totodile captured.