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Crossfire Chaos
03-12-2004, 10:57 PM
Keith’s Journey started like any other day. He woke to the sound of his Groudon alarm clock, he slowly, lazily gets out of the bed nearly falling over himself, he takes one glance at the clock and his eyes grow wide. He rushes to get dressed he gets on his clothes; a white jacket Chinese sign for fire on back, Black pants with fire designs, Blue shirt with a Silver Dragon on it, Blue Shades, Black Sneakers. He checks his hair; spiked as usual. Keith slides down the banister and grabs a bagel, as he passes his parents they tell him so long and to take care. Keith grabs his backpack and stuff, and rushes out his front door.

He hikes up the volcano near Lavaridge, his hometown he journey to the peak of the dormant volcano spotting the praised Gym Leader of Lavaridge. The gym leader was seeing another person about giving some of his pokemon to let kids in Lavaridge start there Journey, this train soon agreed and let 3 of his pokemon go. I soon realized that there were other kids with they’re journey essentials: Clothes, Backpack, ect. The pokemon of the trainers soon chose which would-be trainer they wished to protect at all costs. A Prancing Absol chose Rick the guy next to me, a Dancing Jigglypuff picked the girl, Jean, to the other side, and finally a young Phanpy swore to protect me. We all left for separate ways, I went towards Fallarbor Town, I did not know where the others went though…

I finally make it down the steep volcano side, sun blazing, steaming, and half knocked out. I rush to the nearest Pokemon Center Phanpy by my side cooling of by flapping its light-blue ears. I notice Nurse Joy and ask to have Phanpy healed, but Phanpy refuses with its high-pitched squeal. I sign up as a trainer, and I enter the Hoenn league. Nurse joy hands out to me some pokeballs, a pokedex, and a Trainer Card. She asks me If I wish to name my pokemon I say yes and think up names with My pokemon We argue then both agree on Don. Don and I get some rest then set out to fight a pokemon and catch it if my fate allowed me I would catch me a Zangoose! As the fire blazing brightly in our eyes, Don and I set of to Route 114.

Crossfire Chaos
03-12-2004, 11:00 PM
A few days had passed as we walked down the route. We spot a grassy field were we start our search. We search threw the grass near the cave and immediately set our sight on a Shiny Zangoose, and a Large Seviper obviously very high-ranking Pokemon in there tribes. I see they were fighting until they noticed me. I send my Don out and attack the Shiny Zangoose, the Seviper slithers back to see the Zangoose lose. “Don Use Tackle!” I yell, I test this Zangoose, as I knew how formidable they were. Don rolls into a ball and rolls down the hill its ears flat against its body. Don strikes the Zangoose in the head and sends it staggering I knew that wouldn’t finish it off. Zangoose merely stands there with a eerie glow in its eyes. “Don send it sailing with your rollout!” already in motion Don shreds the Zangoose with another of its blows. I think just wait until it’s a Donphan then it’ll really show some carnage. The Zangoose again stagers and stands back up with its eerie glow in it’s eyes. “Continue the assault Don, Your doing great, It’s too scared to move!” Don’s momentum caries him straight into Zangoose plowing threw its claws it uses to try and stop him. I see that evil, sinister glint in Zangoose’s eye and I know that something is terrible wrong. I smack myself, how could I not see it? It was right in my face and I didn’t realize it! “Don brace yourself Zangoose is about to unleash it’s primal fury; it’s CRUSH CLAW!” and so it does after 2 turns of powering it’s attack with SWORDS DANCE Zangoose sets it’s attack on poor Don.

“MOVE OUTA THE WAY DON!” I scream, but it’s too late and the Zangoose launches into the air claws poised and aims for Don, a huge explosion of dirt erupts. When the smoke clears a crater appears, then something extraordinary happens Don rises from the dirt, stone and filth he was knocked into. Don is rushing back out of the crater, staggering and bruised it stares at me, and from the look he gave me I knew he didn’t want to back down. I nod and tell him “Don try a take down attack.” Don races towards the tired Zangoose its eyes ablaze it surges its head into the stomach of the Zangoose bringing it to its knees. ,but the battle is far from over as Zangoose send Don flying with a uppercut Slash attack. As don lands I send the command “Don now use your special attack; Double-edge!” Don just stands there a confused look on its face. Zangoose gets a chance to strike and had used it with a pursuit attack , Don looks like it can’t fight but it warily gets up, just as Zangoose is about to finish Don off, the Seviper Lunges and Bites into Zangoose shoulder causing them to fight. I spot a berry on a tree I grab it and give it to Don, I knew It was not much, but it was all I could do to keep it from fainting. Don feels better and is even more convinced that he should win the battle, for it’s Trainer, no, Friend.

Don Gets up to the top of a giant hill and curls up into a ball it starts to glow white and starts to roll down the hill, leaving a trail of it Defense Curl’s light behind. It rolls faster and faster aiming strait for Zangoose “TACKLE ATTACK!” I yell to my Pokemon and it jumps up, or rather bounces to be high enough to hit Zangooses head. Zangoose and the Seviper are still fighting, but the Seviper, Its job done jumps off of Zangoose, and watches merrily as Keith Flame’s Phanpy hits the head of it long time rival, the Zangoose. Zangooses stagers, but then he unleashes his Quick attack on Don, Don still rolling starts to move even faster thanks to the push Zangoose gave. “Don, Finish it off with a Rollout attack!” Don rushes strait back at Zangoose and starts to pelt it with a furry of rollouts, Don starts to get tire though and with his strongest blow yet he strikes Zangoose and sends it sailing, When it hits the ground Don is there with a flail attack he rapidly hits the Zangoose. The Zangoose, ticked right now slashes Don with a lot of power, but sadly uses its strength up and can’t get up. Don falls to the ground tired also. Zangoose is just about to get up when a pokeball hits it knocking it unconscious. Then there is a blast of red light as it is sucked into the pokeball. My eyes shine as I return Don with his pokeball, watching as the Pokeball slowly tilts the back and forth…


by Chaos

ps. this is my first time, don't be so eager to burst my bubble, please...

Jack of Clovers
03-13-2004, 09:19 PM
story:
this seems like more of a summary than a complete story. the ideas are there but no reinforced ideas. also for zangoose, i'd say it should be twice the length.

grammer:
there is a problem with misplaced or nonuse of commas and semi colons.

ex: I scramble for my pokeball and chuck it at the Zangoose; my eyes shine as I return Don with his pokeball, watching as the Zangoose slowly tilts the ball back and forth…

it was just so hard to read with these mistakes.

detail:
you need a lot more. who are you exactly? describe everything you can. you go from one place to the next in a matter of sentences. write out an experience-- what was the trip like? how did it look to the character?

battle:
it's ok, another good paragraph like the others would be the bare minimum. try to make these as long as possible. try to throw in more description. maybe seviper can make the battle more interestin...

realty:
you just recieved Phanpy and it already learns Double Edge? i don't believe that works. also, first time out and you find a shiny Pokemon? very unbelievable.

tips:
work on more detail rather than just summing up until you get to a battle. more length will also help you not just in this story, but for future one's. increase the battle on top of those. try grammercheck for the comma errors.

Outcome- Zangoose Not Captured!

~Jack~

Crossfire Chaos
03-14-2004, 01:53 PM
Questions:

1) why is that all our pokemon are a level 100 yet my phanpy cannot use all its moves. I read all of the rules yet i don't see how this works.

2) If i improved it would i be able to catch the Shiney Zangoose?

3) I don't get it there wasn't a singel thread that gave me a amount of words that should be about how long it should be.

http://sigs.xs.to/sigs/tegg040.jpg

LolJolteonMaster
03-14-2004, 03:46 PM
I think I could answer question one. You got the phanpy in the story. If you already had phanpy from the beginning, yes, it probably would be considered LV. 100, But, you recieved yours in the story, so, it wouldn't be.

Jack of Clovers
03-16-2004, 06:53 PM
Questions:

1) why is that all our pokemon are a level 100 yet my phanpy cannot use all its moves. I read all of the rules yet i don't see how this works.
i know, i contradicted the lv100 thing... but realistically a new Phanpy handed to new trainers wouldn't have learned Double Edge w/o training... maybe you should put in some training and it could learn the attack.

2) If i improved it would i be able to catch the Shiney Zangoose?
yea, you can always improve a non-capture story.

3) I don't get it there wasn't a singel thread that gave me a amount of words that should be about how long it should be.
there isn't a word amount you need because for each Pokemon it's a little bit different. the easier the Pokemon (Magikarp), the shorter the story could be. the harder (Feebas) the longer it MUST be. generally, you should go at least one full post length long. for Zangoose, I would say try to get to a good full post. this is your first story, so try to get as close as you can.


~Jack~

Crossfire Chaos
04-11-2004, 02:12 PM
I have edited it I;m not sure if some of the things are gomodeing type or not though.