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akdude
11-04-2004, 05:39 AM
The Attack of the Cranky Mankey!


After battling most of the trainers in his town, Ak finally sets out on his great adventure! He headed north of Viridian to the Viridian Forest, were he hopes to catch another pokemon to add to his amazing team. Before reaching the Forest though, he ran into his friend Tamer. Tamer wouldn’t let Ak pass without a battle and the only way for Ak to go into the forest is if he won! Well, Ak accepted the challenge and whipped the floor with Tamer. Using one mon, Ak had defeated all of Tamers mon. Tamer and Ak shook hands and Ak pressed on.

As Ak started his way through the Forest, he came across some interesting mon and some interesting trainers. Trainers such as girl named May, a guy named Torch, a guy named JT, and another guy named Dap. May has blue hair, blue eyes with a green outline, and a blue suite. Her Esspeon but up quite a fight but ended up fainting in the end giving Ak the win. Torch has red hair, with brown eyes, a white shirt, and red pants. His Electabuzz was one of his hardest mon. JT had blonde hair, black eyes, a gray shirt with white pants. All of his mon was challenging. But Ak managed to pull yet another victory out of the hat. Dap is one of Ak’s old friends, and long time ally. Dap had brown hair, brown eyes, a black shirt that said Enhancement on it, and blue jeans. All of his mon always posed a problem to Ak. But with the trust of his Pokemon and his ability as a trainer he was able to win the battle. After each battle they all shook hands and went their ways.

Now Ak had six battles in one day and his mon are exhausted; so they decided to rest. Ak made their food and he had put in one of his CD’s for all the pokemon in the Forest to listen to. While his pokemon ate, they also danced to his music. Just trying to relax after many hard and tiring battles. All of the pokemon loved his music…All but one. A strange and weird pokemon that was up in a tree was sleeping, and Ak’s music woke him up. The pokemon tossed and turned trying to get back to sleep, but couldn’t. So finally it got up and threw a few nuts at Ak and his stereo. It threw a nut so hard that it broke his stereo! When Ak was able to look up into the tree, he saw a Mankey.

He gasped when he realized what it was. “Ah! It’s a Mankey!” he shouted out loud. “Hey you! Yeah I’m talking to you! You broke my stereo ya little rat! No offence Raichu,” He went from looking at Mankey, to looking at Raichu.

“Raichu,” Ak’s Raichu replied.

Ak looked back up to Mankey, “ You’re going to pay for that Mankey!” Mankey then hurled three more nuts, and one had smacked Ak right in the face! Blood started to run from his nose, running all the way to his lip. Ak touched his lips with two fingers and looked at them. He saw that blood was on his face. He then went into a rage. Smoke literally cam out of his ears. Ak’s face turned dark red with rage. His eyes started to turn into fire. Raichu looked up at Ak and got scared.

“Ra-Ra-Ra,” Raichu attempted to speak, but couldn’t because of his fear of Ak.

“RAAAAAAAAA!!!!! RAICHU! LET’S GET HIM!!! RAICHU, GIVE HIM A THUNDER BOLT NOW!!!” Ak exclaimed with rage in his eyes. Without hesitation Raichu summons up all of his power and fires a gigantic Thunderbolt at Mankey. Mankey, mad enough as he is, doges the most of the blast but still gets hit, then attacks Raichu with a Seismic Toss. He successfully hit Raichu; and Raichu went down hard.

“Raichu, get up! Get up Raichu! This battle isn’t over yet!” Ak’s commanded Raichu. Raichu stood back up and got ready for another attack. Mankey, being cranky enough and wanted to go back to sleep, gets ready for another attack.

“Alright Raichu, let’s do it. Mega Punch!” Ak gave out his command and Raichu followed it. Raichu takes his fist and punches Mankey right in the nose. Mankey fell to the ground, but was not out. Mankey had gotten up and attacked again with a Cross Chop. “Raichu dodge it by using dig!” With that being said, Raichu dug underground. Mankey’s Cross Chop missed Raichu. Mankey, looking a little confused, couldn’t find Raichu. First he was there then he was gone. The next thing he knew, the ground started to shake and Raichu came bursting out of the ground hitting Mankey, and making him go down hard.

“RRRRRRAAAAAIIIIIICHU!” Raichu exclaimed.

“Alright Raichu way to go!” Ak congratulated Raichu. “Now, time to catch him! Pokeball go!” Ak hurled a Pokeball at Mankey. The ball hit him and Mankey went inside. After that the ball started to shake. Not once…..not twice……but three times! 1...2...3...The red light on the ball went off after it stopped shaking. Mankey was catch.

“ALRIGHT! I COUGHT A MANKEY!!” Ak celebrated his victory with Raichu. They danced and played. Ak looked at his newly caught pokemon, then up to the bright shinny sky, and smiled.

THE END

boltAge
11-04-2004, 05:52 AM
Okay, firstly, the basic rule. Don't just put the Pokemon you're trying to catch as caught at the end of the story... You should let the ball glow in light or something and let the grader decide if it's caught or not.

Story: You do some battles, Mankey attacks you, run and there you go catching him... If there was more story, probably. IMO, you should add more on what happened in the forest, like the Mankey attacked you for days but ran when you tried to catch it and finally you got it cornered or something and is able to catch it then.

Grammar: Don't use shortforms(mon -> Pokemon). And there's too many spelling errors in there, you should check your story a few times before submitting it as completed. were -> where, cought -> caught and some other mistakes elsewhere, I can't possibly find them all for you. And use the right tense and words(You praise a Pokemon for doing a sucessful hit, not congratulate it as it's doing something for you, not for itself)I think MS Word can correct most of the mistakes, while checking it on your own will correct the rest. Grammar is the easiest section to score, so perfect it.

Details: No.. Barely any. You need to describe surroundings, feelings, actions, sounds and basically anything you can find a chance to. You can easily use a paragraph or two to describe a forest actually... And yes, I know Raichu is feeling really excited when doing those attacks, but just "Raiiichhuu!" is good enough, making it really really long with lots of exclamation marks is not necessary.

Battle: A little too short... You could let Mankey escape you for a while and finally catch up with it after a long period of running...

Outcome: Mankey not captured.

You basically need to improve in every section here, as a Mankey isn't really that common IMO.

akdude
11-04-2004, 07:19 AM
I want a second oppinion!

boltAge
11-04-2004, 08:51 AM
zz...I know you're biased against me(And sorry, I don't care if you are), but sheesh, I'm sure many graders will agree with my outcome, I mean, I'm totally sure that you didn't read the <<How To Write Stories>> thread before posting this story, because many mistakes you had can be pointed out there. And I don't think we really have to resort to having the Head Graders come and settle our problem. And get all the opinions you want, it's the grader's outcome that'll be in effect, not those random people you got the opinions from.

akdude
11-04-2004, 02:37 PM
Raik, i really don't care about what u think. I want a second oppinion. And when I get that second (or third if lucky) then I shall go back and change some of it. But I really see no point in allowing a Mankey to escape while battling a Raichu. And the reason y I decided my own outcome is b/c it's suppose to be my first catch, the end is SUPPOSE TO BE HAPPY. So that's y.

Forther down the road, I shall make each story harder and harder. But I did work hard on my story.

Anyone else have an oppinion?

Tamer Marco
11-04-2004, 09:11 PM
Raik, i really don't care about what u think. I want a second oppinion. And when I get that second (or third if lucky) then I shall go back and change some of it. But I really see no point in allowing a Mankey to escape while battling a Raichu. And the reason y I decided my own outcome is b/c it's suppose to be my first catch, the end is SUPPOSE TO BE HAPPY. So that's y.

Forther down the road, I shall make each story harder and harder. But I did work hard on my story.

Anyone else have an oppinion? I'm not the one to judge, since i'm not a grader, and I don't normally agree with Raik, but this time, I do. The story had hardly any description, and you used the short term 'mon' instead of Pokemon. Try spelling out the whole name next time. And even though that it was a Raichu VS. a Mankey, the battle could of been longer. I hope that no one harrasses me or anything, because this is my opinion. :ermm:

akdude
11-05-2004, 02:36 PM
Thanks for ur oppinion. But I'd like another grader to grade my story.

And actually, the battle would not be longer b/c of the difference. Yes Mankey has the type advantage, but Raichu is evolved and has a better advantage over Mankey. So therefore, I feel like the battle was just right. But yes, I do agree that I should've spelt out Pokemon completely.

boltAge
11-06-2004, 12:16 AM
Raik, i really don't care about what u think. I want a second oppinion. And when I get that second (or third if lucky) then I shall go back and change some of it. But I really see no point in allowing a Mankey to escape while battling a Raichu. And the reason y I decided my own outcome is b/c it's suppose to be my first catch, the end is SUPPOSE TO BE HAPPY. So that's y.

Forther down the road, I shall make each story harder and harder. But I did work hard on my story.

Anyone else have an oppinion?
You don't care about what I think and you replied to my post? You're hilarious :clap:

And forests in the Pokemon World are usually dense(seen in animes). They are Mankeys' natural habitat, and Mankey would obviously know their way around, with shortcuts and stuff. Raichu may be quick, but don't forget there are a lot of things blocking its way(But Mankey can find ways to get past these stuff easily).

And just because it's supposed to be your first catch doesn't mean you have to decide the outcome. How many times have the graders stated this to you people? I don't care if you want it to be "happy", "sad", "funny" or "angry", you stick to the format we've always used and stay that way. If you don't like the current format, go complain to Jack or something.

Okay, say, you've worked really hard. But do you think working hard is all? With that attitude like yours who wouldn't take my advice(And note, I'm probably the only active grader now, so you can't run away from my grades), you can't improve. :rolleyes:

Oh yeah, side note to Jack, if this dude insists on getting another grader, I presume I'm only the one getting this story's wages, because the decision is already made, and letting another grader get the wages too will prove unfair to me as I came here first.

Good day.

akdude
11-06-2004, 08:31 PM
You don't care about what I think and you replied to my post? You're hilarious :clap:

And forests in the Pokemon World are usually dense(seen in animes). They are Mankeys' natural habitat, and Mankey would obviously know their way around, with shortcuts and stuff. Raichu may be quick, but don't forget there are a lot of things blocking its way(But Mankey can find ways to get past these stuff easily).

And just because it's supposed to be your first catch doesn't mean you have to decide the outcome. How many times have the graders stated this to you people? I don't care if you want it to be "happy", "sad", "funny" or "angry", you stick to the format we've always used and stay that way. If you don't like the current format, go complain to Jack or something.

Okay, say, you've worked really hard. But do you think working hard is all? With that attitude like yours who wouldn't take my advice(And note, I'm probably the only active grader now, so you can't run away from my grades), you can't improve. :rolleyes:

Oh yeah, side note to Jack, if this dude insists on getting another grader, I presume I'm only the one getting this story's wages, because the decision is already made, and letting another grader get the wages too will prove unfair to me as I came here first.

Good day.*gives Raik the finger* [expletive] Raik. Until someone else grades my damn story, ur grade doesn't matter. And don't grade any of my stories again.

boltAge
11-07-2004, 12:48 AM
*gives Raik the finger* [expletive] Raik. Until someone else grades my damn story, ur grade doesn't matter. And don't grade any of my stories again.
Sorry dude, I don't do kids. And sorry, my grade does matter, and you can't stop me from grading the rest of your stories. You can go get another newbie graders(we have many here, you can have fun picking) and give you a capture, but sadly, at the end of the day, my grade is the one that matters, unless Jack or Flare comes to grade(Which I'm now going to get...). Sorry dude, you can hate me...but(let's do this for the enjoyment)

YOU CAN'T STOP ME :biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin:

akdude
11-07-2004, 02:23 AM
I shall not accept ur ******* grade Raik. And I don't care if u get Jack or Flare. U can kiss my ass and [expletive] for all i care. I don't care if u get the money for gradin this story, but I want Jack to give me a different grade. If he agrees then fine, I'll redue my story, if not, the Mankey is mine.

Have a nice day

boltAge
11-07-2004, 03:46 AM
I shall not accept ur ******* grade Raik. And I don't care if u get Jack or Flare. U can kiss my ass and [expletive] for all i care. I don't care if u get the money for gradin this story, but I want Jack to give me a different grade. If he agrees then fine, I'll redue my story, if not, the Mankey is mine.

Have a nice day
I'll take that ******* as awesome, I guess. And hoho... Jack will agree with me, no doubt, haha.

ElimN8
11-07-2004, 05:13 AM
I'm not gonna touch on the URPG part of this, because that's not really my department, but akdude, tone down the language buddy. I don't care how much you dislike Raik, if you truly want a second opinion, just wait for it; don't go mouthing off to a guy (who hasn't really done much of anything) and make the situation worse for yourself.

This time, I'm just going to edit out your "vivid" content. Next time, you'll be banned. Don't do it again.

akdude
11-07-2004, 05:59 AM
Hmmm, strange...It seems that I was just given a warning....and it seems like the only one i'll be getting. When Raik is given more than 3 warnings for the crap he pulls.

But fine, I shall wait until Jack gives me MY FINAL GRADE.

ElimN8
11-07-2004, 06:16 AM
Would you rather I give you a set amount of warnings so you can go on being vulgar without worrying about the conseqeunces? :susp:

And I don't know about you, but personally I haven't seen Raik telling people to ____ his _____. :rolleyes: But, if that were the case, I'd handle it the exact same way. I give everyone a fair chance; personally I don't really mind language, but rules are rules and chances are, if PE2K saw that before I did, you'd already be out, so just be thankful.

Jack of Clovers
11-07-2004, 11:22 PM
aw... i didn't get to do the editing. :tongue:

Raik's grade stands. i'll add some of my own comments.

story: short. describe some of those encounters with Trainers. maybe show a battle. do something else because the overall story is short.

battle: two attacks hit Mankey and you catch it? it's not enough. you can also detail the battle some more. show the reader how these two are moving around and how the attacks work.
----

akdude- profanity is not allowed. i don't care if you're responding to Osama Bin Laden, you don't curse on this forum. that is a rule, part of the Forum Rules.
as far as grading, Raik is an official grader and he can grade any story he wants. Raik knows how to grade stories. i usually check stories to see if the grading was appropriate.
Raik- if you're going to reply to profanity, blur it out next time. you know the rules too. and we don't need this 'attitude' to fight back for your cause. you can do it in a friendlier manner, i know you can.

*thread locked*
start a new thread if you want to redo story.

~Jack~