a little snippet of my nextr fic. tell me whatchu think

[autism]

Our story starts with a young boy rushing down the hall as if his life depended on it. This boy's name was Slade and he had a duel to get to. It was the first duel of the year. Slade and 307 other adults were in a school on an island just 25 miles off the coast of east britain. He and most of the other kids were 18 years or older. Slade was wearing a yellow and white jacket. This indicated that he was part of Hamon yellow. The middle class of East academy. He was due for the first official duel of the school year. If he won he would promoted to Raviel blue the highest of the high. . If he lost he would be demoted to Uria red the lowest form possible. He couldn't afford to screw this up.

Good description Note it's just a snippet. His deck is full o magician cards like dark magician or Magician of black chaos.(The ritual)

[EspeonSun]

I suppose that's okay, but I don't think anyone around here is a fan of um... What was it called again??

[Isaac Gravity]

I suppose that's okay, but I don't think anyone around here is a fan of um... What was it called again??

Yu-Gi-Oh! GX. And please don't act as if you're speaking for everyone here. I like GX.

@autism- I'm not sure what to say here. Since this has the GX feel to it, I just want to know a bit more here. I mean, sure it's a snippet, but we know nothing here... Duel Academy (as well as the other four sectors) ages run from 15-17 (with rare exceptions here and there). After that, duelists either go pro or purse a full dueling career. So my question is why would East Academy suddenly change the rules? (None the less use the Sacred Beasts as rankings)

While I like AU's and weird start-ups/canon-twisters as much as the next guy, there's not enough info here to get.

[EspeonSun]

Well sorry, you don't have to pounce on me... But I'm not sure many people like Yu-Gi-Oh...

[Psychic]

Yu-Gi-Oh needs to forget about the cards and focus on the ancient-Egypt plot. Screw GX and bring back the stars- it's much more fun to gawk over Yami and Kaiba than Jaden and his little buddies. ;;


Aaaaaanyhow, now that y'all know that more than one person pays attention to Yu-Gi-Oh, let's get to the point: this isn't much of a snippet. It's really just one short rushed paragraph of infodumping a ton of information on the reader in a completely disorganized fashion. I mean, when it starts off there's not even the slightest indication that it's a Yu-Gi-Oh fic, because no references are made to "Dual Monsters" (at first I assumed it to be a Pokémon Academy or something with battles) and the names of the three domes have been changed! Unless this takes place in a completely alternate universe, I'd say that you have a right good problem right here.

Your writing itself also isn't all that chipper. Your description is pretty poor and doesn't do much for the story, and the main problem is that you jump from one suject to another far too quickly. There's no focus, and you don't spend long enough on each thing you're talking about, so the story goes faster than the reader can follow. For example:
Our story starts with a young boy rushing down the hall as if his life depended on it. This boy's name was Slade and he had a duel to get to. It was the first duel of the year.
All of this could have really been expanded on to, fow instance, create both solid imagery in the reader's mind of this boy running down the hallway as well as showing us what emotions he feels. I'll giv you an example of something similar that I'm making up on the spot that is different, but similar enough that you'll get the idea.

A whooshing sound filled Catherine's ears as she bolted down the narrow hallway, feet pounding the tiled ground as if the demons of Hell were on her heels. Bright green eyes were open wide, pale knuckles clutching a binder and textbook tightly as she ran, long red hair flying behind her and getting in her mouth, though she paid it no heed.

Damn it, I've only got half a minute! she thought anxiously as she whizzed by several other female students wearing clothing similar to hers; a white polo and navy skirt, the school's uniform, though unlike theirs her own uniform was being ruffled as she ran through the sparkling clean halls. Cathy's heart pounded in her chest and butterflies fluttered about in her stomach, the mere thought of being late for her first class of the year frightening her into pushing her legs to go faster.

"Must...make a...good impression...first day!" she gasped in between pants as she zipped around a corner and almost bashed into a bunch of lockers.
It paints a picture of a scene of this girl rushing through the halls at top speed, and shows you how she's feeling. Also, instead of directly saying "She had to go to her first class of the year" it instead shows that she was hurrying to get to class, and even why she was rushing the way she was. I even managed to describe the character herself!

You just need to try to put yourself in your character's shoes, ask yourself how you would feel in that situation- what you would be thinking and feeling and so on, while trying to include description at the same time. The more you practice, the better you'll be.

~Psychic

[autism]

I'll take your hints to heart. I'm currently working on chapero uno right now and I'll edit it a little bit. Thanks for the tips.:happy: For now I think this thread is mainly spam so could someone get rid of it? And by the way the only thing that's like the normal ygo is Slade's deck. It's similiar to yugi's in fact that it's based around the dark magician. Also I've decided to change the school around. I think Uria hamon and raviel make more sense seeing as the ranks in the school of the anime were different to the ranks of the gods.

Obelisk was the weakest, Slifer/osiris was the middle, and ra was the strongest god.

In gx Osiris was the weakest and Obelisk was the strongest. Ra was middle.

Uria is the weakest beast Hamon was the middle And raviel was the strongest like in the book.
The charries are 18 or older cause mothers wouldn't let their children out on an island.