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FinalThunder
11-26-2004, 07:44 PM
"I made this far i am not going to lose to a trainer in the mauville gym. My team and I will beat him whatever it takes i will win. I can't lose because i am the gym leader of Mauville."

Then I heard my mom calling me then i relized that my dream of becoming a electric pokemon master was to far away to do. Becoming the gym leader of Mauville will be hard. Then I saw Professor Birch saying that I can come and chose a staring pokemon. He had torchic, mudkip, and treeko and wanted me to chose one as my staring for pokemon. Birch gave me a go ahead to chose one but I asked him for electric pokemon like a pikachu. Birch told me to come back tommorow for a electric pokemon.

That night I had the almost the same dream as last night, but this one was little different. "Go Pikachu thunderbolt. Pikachu dodge, now use iron tail, and finigh off Blastoise with Zap Cannon. Nice Pikachu we just beat our first challenger with 1 pokemon wasn't that easy.

That morning instead of mom always waking me up this time it was my dad. It was surpising that he is home because he is a fishermen and always on a journey for new water pokemon. Any how he gave me his Good Rod because he brought a Surberb Rod (the most expensive rod and the best one). then he said that he will let me use it if i can beat him in a pokemon battle. Then I notice that I had to pick up my new pokemon. then when i put my shoes on Birch knoncked on our door and said "Mit i know how much you want an electric pokemon so I got this from the Safari Zone and got you this Pikachu." He left as soon as he gave it to me.

We were about to start a battle but my mom came in and said "Eat lunch first then you two can battle outside" My mom made grilled chesse sandwhiches and Hot Chilly to go with it. My mom got some pokemon food and gave it to my dad's squirty and his marille (his water pokemon).

After lunch me and my dad started a battle.
"Go pickachu" I said, "Go Squirty" "use water gun" my dad said.
"Pickachu dodge and use thundershock and follow it up with quick attack." I responed. This battle when for ever untill his Squirty got palaized by all those electric attacks. I was planning that I would of won but he kept on using super potions but lucky he run out and I won.

Dad I won and I get the super rod and you are takin me to Vermilion City's harbor to catch my first pokemon. He said that Should catch one there and learn how to use a rod.

Two hours later, "Son we're here now lets catch your first pokemon and lets see if can do it." Okay son this how you do it, put your bait on the hook and wait for a pokemon to bite it now give it a try!"

Five minutes later, "Mit reel it in and battle and catch it." The battle goes on. "Pikachu use thundershock on Chinchou and then follow it up with quick attack." Then Chinchouused hydropump but since pikchu was electric it didn't affected much. "Pikachu use thunderbolt, Yes!" "Mit throw a pokeball and catch it," my dad yelled. Go pokeball catch Chinchou yes first shake, second third shake and . . . . . .

.:VS:.
11-26-2004, 08:00 PM
How is "Legendary" Zapdos different from Zapdos?
You work on spelin kay?

Tamer Marco
11-26-2004, 08:03 PM
Zaptos? lol...

And you should try working on your spelling, and this is WAY too short for one chapter. Ya need grammar, and junk.

Agent Orange
11-26-2004, 08:06 PM
Eh...he meant the ledgendary Zapdos, and...work on your grammar, If I grade this later, and you want to make a catch, I'm going to need to see 50 times what you had for the first chapter.

boltAge
11-27-2004, 02:54 PM
Did we need so many people to point that out? Also, someone here tried pointing out the author's bad grammar but he himself has bad grammar ;_;

mpatel027, please read this thread (http://www.pokemonelite2000.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3702) and edit the title or something.

FinalThunder
11-27-2004, 05:56 PM
i wasn't done you know

Agent Orange
11-27-2004, 05:59 PM
Length: Meh...one page in microsoft word, less without the spaces, make it longer.

Battle: There really isn't much of one, you can't say the battle went on and on, describe what happens.

Story: Its got a much better plot than other first stories I've seen, I like how its not run, find poke, theres a little side battle before.

Grammar / Spelling: This on the other hand was atrocious, there were capitalization issues, misspellings, the works. Write it in microsoft word then copy + paste it here, or at least use a dictionary.

Outcome: Well, for a first one, it could be worse, work on that spelling + grammar and make longer battles and it will be a capture.


Chinchou not captured, edit your story for a new grade, alert me when ready.

FinalThunder
12-04-2004, 12:52 AM
In the event that I can't seem to replace my old chapter, or don't know how, my new story will be made here. I would like to apologize just in case my story seems to have been copied off someone else! I just hope it isn't. I hope you enjoy my story.

Chapter I:
It was a beautiful day in the Hoenn region. Ash and the gang were taking a short break from their journeys and sitting down to lunch. "Well guys, I just can't wait to get to Mauville City and win my next badge!” said Ash Ketchum as he pulled off his cap and set it on the grass next to his Pokémon, Pikachu.
“I’d be really happy to win a contest. Maybe in the beauty segment." Mused May. "I know how you feel May, just keep up the hard work and it will all pay off, you'll see." Replied Brock, who was sitting next to her.
"Thanks!” May replied, happy at the boost of confidence from her friend.
Just then, a familiar face greeted them, it was Prof. Oak. "Hi Ash, looks like you're doing well. Who are your new friends there?"
"I'm May and this is my brother Max, nice to meet you!" May replied politely.
"Nice to meet you too! I was just doing research on the Pokémon from Hoenn, have you caught any new Pokémon I could take a look at?" "Oh sure!" replied Ash.
"Here are all of mine, come on out!" he said, sending out his Pokémon for the elated professor. "I must say those look great." he said.
"Want to see all mine?" asked May. She called on all of her Pokémon who were busy eating. "And here are mine!" said Brock proudly, glad to be able to talk to one of his heroes.
"I wish I had some I could show you." said Max with a sigh- he still had to wait two whole years!
"Don't worry, I'm sure you'll be old enough for one real soon." said Oak.
Just then, Ash noticed something was wrong with his Pokédex. It was unlike anything any of them had seen before.
“Goldenrod train leaves at 6:45 p.m." the voice said.
“Ah finally I can catch a Chinchou” Ash says. “Do that tomorrow after lunch,” Misty and Brock reply.
Next Day 12:15 pm

“I got a bite here I reel you in” Ash say in excitement.
“Chinchou it you go Pikachu use thunder and weaken it. Yes a Critical hit now finis” before Ash can finish Misty yells, “Throw a Great Ball Ash.”
“Hehe I forgot, Go Great ball catch Chinchou,’’


Did they Catch Chinchou and they …..

Agent Orange
12-04-2004, 02:17 AM
Well, the story and grammar are much better, but what about your battle?

Look, I'm prolly gonna get in trouble for this, but I'm gonna let you get away with it, I can tell you worked hard on it.

Chinchou = Captured.

Now shh...this never happened...=P

Jack of Clovers
12-04-2004, 07:36 PM
i can't let this pass. DP, are you serious?

mpatel- not to be critical, but there isn't anything to this story.

story: you have a location and that's about it. what you have written is a summary of a story. Chinchou needs to be longer than this. not even Magikarp is this short.

grammer: go back and reread your story. just in this one sentence there are a whole bunch of errors. it should be obvious.
“Chinchou it you go Pikachu use thunder and weaken it. Yes a Critical hit now finis” before Ash can finish Misty yells, “Throw a Great Ball Ash.”
-when a different character speaks, they get their own paragraph.

detail: none. you say Ash and company but don't say who is with them. later on, Misty appears and i'm wondering where she came from. you need to fill in the details in order for this story to be something.

battle: one line speech, didn't even describe Pikachu using Thunder... this is bad. you MUST describe the battle and it has to be longer than one sentence. detail how Thunder is used, make the battle interesting. longer too.

realty: doesn't seem to fit with Ash and company's storyline.

tips: check other stories. this needs a lot of improvement.

Outcome Overruled- Chinchou Not Captured!

~Jack~