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LaprasRider
01-06-2005, 09:37 PM
Okay, this first chapter is pretty much an introduction to the characters in this story. And, I don't want anyone posting here until I'm done.

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Chapter 1
The sky bright and clear as a brisk wind brushed the crisp green grass and trickled across Lilly's face. Lilly was sleeping under a very tall tree in a meadow that stretched from right to left as far as the eye could see. Lilly Waters was a 13-year-old girl living with his aunt (Lori), uncle (Mark), and female cousin (Susie) on the Waters Farm. Something wet slid across Lilly's cheek and tickled him. He giggled and opened his eyes to see a small Pokemon that looked like a gray dog.

"Okay, okay," Lilly said. "I'm up, Poochyena!"

She sat up and leaned against the tree, smiling at his Pokemon. 3 years ago, Lilly's real family had died in a fire. Her parents were victims of the flames but Lilly had miraculously escaped because of Poochyena. Two Mightyena had died protecting it and the Poochyena helped Lilly escape. Now, they were two unseperable friends.

Poochyena jumped into Lilly's lap and closed its eyes and Lilly patted it on the head and looked down the rolling hills where countless Pokemon had occupied. Lilly's relatives had made homes for abandoned and hurt Pokemon to live at until they found an owner. A couple of Eevee were chasing eachother around the field. Some Growlithe were showing off their Flamethrower attacks. A Snorlax was fast asleep and a Pichu was bouncing on its stomach joyfully as a Pidgey was flying above in a circle, chirping.

"This is going to be a great day," Lilly said.

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This next chapter will sort of be an intro to Lilly's past.
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Chapter 2
Lilly and Poochyena got up and headed toward the house. The sun was setting in the west. After eating dinner, they walked up the wooden staircase to Lilly's bedroom. Poochyena climbed onto the foot of his bed and curled up. Lilly changed into his night clothes and fell asleep.

The air was becoming very hot. Lilly had trouble breathing as if smoke were entering his lungs. A harsh beeping noise filled her ears. Someone was shaking his body. She slowly opened her eyes and saw her mother.

"Get up, Lilly!" she said. "We need to get out of here!"

Lilly slowly opened her heavy eyelids and they immediately began to burn with pain. A flame was lit in the corner and smoking was filing into the room and out into the hall. It was clear that the house was on fire. She got up and ran for the door with her mother. They ran out the door and ran into her father.

"I've called the fire department," he said. "They'll be here soon, I hope."

Sirens began to blare and hurt Lilly's ears as a group of fire trucks drove up the driveway. Men dashed out at sprays of water shot from the hoses at the house. But something was wrong. The flames weren't going out for some reason.

The dark sky was suddenly lit by more fire that took the shape of a circle and surrounded Lilly, herarents, and the fire fighters. The heat was getting into Lilly's head. She felt weak, like she was about to faint. The fighters aimed the water at the fire that surrounded them but the flare didn't go out, just like the one burning Lilly's house down. They couldn't escape.

Just as Lilly thought it couldn't get any worse, the fire circle they were trapped in seemed to rotate and the area was shrinking. The fire would soon reach them. Lilly pinched her eyes shut and prepared for it, knowing it was the end. It seemed to be a miracle that they would escape but suddenly a gap in the flames appeared.

However, with the gap in the fire, it still seemed difficult to escape because the circle was still the rotating. They're need to go out at the exact moment that the gap was in front of them. It was their only way out though so Lilly stood firmly on the spot and watched the fire for a few moments. She kicked the dirt and ran through the gap. She had made it. Her parents stood at the spot where he was and , holding hands, ran forward. But, it was too late.

"Watch out!" Lilly shouted. But they kept going and got hit by the fire. They fell to the ground with pitch-black burn marks. The circle of fire suddenly extinguished and the fire fighters walked up to the still bodies of Lilly's parents. Lilly bent down and watched their chests. None of them were moving. She knew they were dead.

The fire fighters were spraying the water at the house and finally extinguished the fire. Lilly sat on a bench in the yard as the fighters left in the trucks. Suddenly, a stream of fire shot a couple inches in front of Lilly's face, barely missing him.

Lilly got up and looked in the direction the fire had come from. She heard leaves rustling in the dark trees in that direction. She walked over, slimly dodging another flame. She moved the leaves around but saw nothing. Whatever was there was gone. She wondered what the cause of the fire was.

Sweat slid down the front of Lilly's face as she rapidly rolled around in her bed. She suddenly shot up and looked around. She was no longer outside, searching in the leaves. She was in his bedroom, Poochyena sleeping at his feet.

"Why do I still dream about that?" she wondered as he got up.

She walked over to the door and went to the kitchen. She leaned against the counter, thinking hard. The accident had happened when she was 10 so it was still fresh in her memory. But she wished she just would forget about it.

She jumped as a growling noise filled the kitchen. Poochyena was standing at the door, looking out the kitchen window. Lilly looked and saw glowing red eyes. With Poochyena, Lilly ran out the door and saw a beautiful white fox with nine tails.

"It's you!" Lilly said.

LaprasRider
01-14-2005, 10:39 PM
Final Chapter
Lilly stared at the beautiful fully grown Ninetails standing before her. She couldn't believe that it was still here. For it was the same Ninetails that had set off that fire three years ago. Poochyena growled angrilly at it. The Ninetails breathed in, opened its mouth, and a small stream of fire shot out of it at Poochyena who jumped aside to dodge it.

"Hey, leave Poochyena alone!" Lilly shouted at it. She looked at Poochyena, ready to pounce. "Poochyena, don't!" But it didn't listen. It jumped into the air and bared its teeth into Ninetails's leg. Ninetails retaliated with a Tail Whip which sent Poochyena flying. It landed on the ground in a heap, knocked out. The Ninetails turned around and dashed off.

"Hey, come back here!" Lilly cried. She walked up to her fainted Poochyena and placed a star-shaped item into its opened mouth. It swallowed and immediately sprang awake. Lilly picked it up and ran in the direction Ninetails had and eventually came to a forest that was pitch dark.

Poochyena jumped out of Lilly's arms and started sniffing the ground. Lilly took out a flashlight and looked at Poochyena, who was running down a path. It only took a couple of minutes to find Ninetails, who was resting on a boulder. Poochyena pounced to attack but was hit a flash of orange. It landed on the ground and Lilly identified as a Vulpix.

Poochyena landed and growled at Vulpix. Lilly didn't wait. "Poochyena, use Sand-Attack!" she cried. Poochyena kicked some sand into Vulpix's eyes. It moaned in pain as it tried to get the sand out. "Now, Tackle attack!" Lilly ordered. Poochyena dashed toward Vulpix and knocked it into the air. Vulpix endured it and gently landed on its feet and shot an Ember attack, which scorched Poochyena a bit. It started to lick the wound as Vulpix sent a Quick Attack to the onslaught.

Poochyena flew into the air and landed on its back and howled fiercely but got up swiftly. "We've got to do something before we lose!" Lilly said. "Swagger! Confuse it!" But as Poochyena began the Swagger, a force field appeared and blocked the blow with Safeguard. Then, Vulpix's eyes began to glow and a purple ray of light hit Poochyena. It started to aimlessly run around in confusion.

"Poochyena!" Lilly cried. While Poochyena was confused, Vulpix took the operatunity to attack with a Fire Spin and trap Poochyena in a circle of flame. Lilly watched, frightened. It was the same as the fire three years ago. Suddenly, she saw an opening in the circle. "Poochyena, jump!" Poochyena obeyed the command and escaped the circle. "Good job!" Lilly said. "Finishing move. Take Down!

Poochyena stood there and then suddenly pounced at a very fast speed. Vulpix tried to dodge but they collided and flew in two different directions. They both landed on the ground, fainted. Lilly took the chance and threw an empty Poke Ball at Vulpix. It hit the Pokemon and opened. If a flash of red light, Vulpix disappeared into it and the ball began to wobble. 3... 2... 1...

Jack of Clovers
01-15-2005, 02:10 AM
story: i like it. great background. i felt the character. sad past... :sad:

grammer: nothing stood out. but i did notice this in the battle. try to keep speakers words separate from the battle action by making new paragraphs.
"blah blah." he said.
Action...etc.
"blah..."

and Ninetales should be spelled like this--> Ninetales. not Ninetails. i used to spell it that way too.

detail: it's nice. but you forgot to describe what Myke looks like. maybe could have described the relatives a bit.

battle: nice details, isn't one sided. a little short but i think it's enough. i enjoyed it.

realty: looks real to me.

tips: improve your length, both story and battle. always improve detail.

Outcome- Vulpix Caught!

~Jack~

LaprasRider
01-15-2005, 02:27 AM
Wow, I actually got a passable grade on this!

BTW, here's info on me:

Age: 13
Gender: Male
Personality: Happy-Go-Lucky, Friendly, Serious, Shy
Appearance: Short blond hair, hazal eyes, aprocot skin, yellow unzipped jacket, gray T-shirt, brown belt with Poke Balls attached, blue jeans with hole in left knee, white socks, white shoes
Background: His family has produced many successful Pokemon Masters and now Myke is out to do the same.

Link to profile: http://www.pokemonelite2000.com/forum/showpost.php?p=127648&postcount=162

If the link doesn't work, you can find it toward the bottom of Page 11.

I heard that Vulpix was considered rare on URPG because of Ninetales so I thought I'd fail. But anyway, thanks!

Jack of Clovers
01-15-2005, 03:05 AM
i was too strict in my other gradings before, im going for less now. trying to make this fun!
also, this is your first story, it's graded easier. the next stories should be an improvement so keep that in mind when trying to catch something else. good work and i know you'll get better.

~Jack~