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View Full Version : The Long Journey Ahead!


Caite-chan
01-18-2005, 10:13 PM
**EDITOTS NOTE: Any Pokčmon that is caoght and Zeke uses is still Shane's in battle.**

Shane: http://www.pokemonelite2000.com/rstrainer55.png
Zeke: http://www.pokemonelite2000.com/rstrainer17.png
Spark: http://www.pokemonelite2000.com/pkrs290.gif



As Zeke ran into the room, still in his blue pajamas, he yelled:

http://www.pokemonelite2000.com/rstrainer17.png: ''Come on Shane get up I wanna go. Hurry up!''

After an abrupt wake up I roll out of bed and almost landed on my head. Spark had made his way into the room sometime during the night and fell asleep at the foot of the bed. I let Spark lay sleeping for now. I made my way downstairs to the kitchen. I rubbed my eyes as I sat down at the table. I looked over at Zeke and he was already shoving food into his mouth like he was trying to hurry up and eat before hibernation came.

http://www.pokemonelite2000.com/rstrainer55.png: ''Slow down or you'll make yourself sick. The Pokčmon aren't going anywhere; I promise.''

He just smiled and kept eating. I heard the stairs squeak as Spark made his way into the kitchen. He walked over and sat between Zeke and I. I had gotten Spark when he was just a little Eevee. Now he's grown into a lightning fast Jolteon. I got up from my chair and pulled Sparks bowl from the cuber and filled it with food and got a bowl of cereal foe me. I walked back to the table and sat Sparks bowl down in front of him and then sat back down and started to eat.

http://www.pokemonelite2000.com/rstrainer17.png: ''I'm gonna go get ready now.''

Zeke jumped from his chair and tossed his bowl into the sink and then ran up stairs like something was on fire. Spark and I just looked at each other and then kept eating. I could hear Zeke running around up stairs. I had started my journey when I was 12 and now that Zeke is old enough I came back home and get him. Mom wasn't to keen on the whole idea, but I talked her into letting Zeke come with me. I finished with my cereal and put the bowl into the sink. Spark looked up to the stairs as Zeke jumped from the bottom step with his backpack jammed full.

http://www.pokemonelite2000.com/rstrainer17.png: ''I'm ready, can we go now?''

Spark went back to finishing his breakfast as I had to laugh at Zeke. He looked like he could barely keep his backpack on his back.

http://www.pokemonelite2000.com/rstrainer55.png: ''Not yet, I still need to change and you need to go through your backpack again. You can't take your room with you. I'll even help you with it.''

I quickly ran up stairs and changed my clothes. I grabbed my backpack that was all ready the night before. I pulled my shoes from under my bed and ran back down stairs. I laid my backpack against the wall and sat on the bottom step and put my shoes on. I looked over to see that Spark had pushed his bowl next to the sink. I grabbed Zekes backpack and opened it up. He walked over and sat down next to me on the step. Once I opened his backpack I dumped everything on the floor in front of us.

http://www.pokemonelite2000.com/rstrainer55.png: ‘’All right what you really need is a sleeping bag, some clothes, a few pairs of shoes, a blanket, a notebook, and something to write with. Ill have everything else you'll need in my bag.’’

I put everything back into his back pack and took all the other things back up stairs. I grabbed my watch, Zeke’s Pokčdex and ran back down stairs.

http://www.pokemonelite2000.com/rstrainer55.png: ‘’Here you go. Your own Pokčdex, Just like mine. I got it from Professor Oak yesterday. I told him I would take you with me. Come on Spark lets go.’’

Spark’s ears shot up as he walked over. I smiled at both of them and we left home. I had hoped that Zeke didn't get to home sick. This would be the first time he would be away from home for so long. I knew Mom would be proud. Spark walked behind Zeke as Zeke walked next to me. Spark was always a loyal friend and was protective of his friends. All Zeke did was smile at his new Pokčdex and entered his information into it. He turned around and pointed the Dex at Spark and it beeped as Dexter talked about Spark. Sparked poked his nose at it.

http://www.pokemonelite2000.com/rstrainer55.png: ‘’You just point the Dex at any Pokčmon and it will tell you anything you want and it will also keep track of all the Pokčmon you've seen.’’

It was still early in the morning as we kept walking further and further away from town till we were several miles away from home. By this time Zeke had stuck his Dex into his pocket. The only thing I didn’t give him yet was a belt to hold all his Pokčballs on, or any Pokčballs for that matter. I had several in my pocket for him. I figured I would try and catch him a Houndour as his first Pokčmon. This time was still good to see one because of the fact that it was still early in the morning so I had hoped I could spot one. Just as I was talking to myself about what to get Zeke, Spark barked as the bushes rustled. Zeke jumped out of shock as Spark kept barking. I guess Spark called him out because Smog was coming out from the bushes.

http://www.pokemonelite2000.com/rstrainer55.png: ''It's all right Zeke it won't hurt you. It's a Pokčmon. Point your Dex at it.''

Zeke pointed the Dex as a Houndour walked out from behind the smoged bushes. Dexter talked about Houdour as Zeke watched as it approached. Spark barked at the approaching Houndour. Both the Houndour and Spark stood looking at eachother.

http://www.pokemonelite2000.com/rstrainer55.png: ''You get to see your first Pokčmon battle. All right Spark lets get down to business. Start off with a Tackle.''

Houndour went to strike at Spark, but Spark was just to quick and knocked Houndour back and to the ground. Houndour stood up and sent more smog back at Spark.

http://www.pokemonelite2000.com/rstrainer55.png: ''Spark fight back with a Pin Missle and try to get rid of the smog.''

As the smog was filling the road Spark built up some static and his fur started to stand on end as he shot several rounds of Pin Missles through the smog. He then jumped around and began to kick up dirt to help clear the smog. Just as the smog cleared the Houndour Jumped on top of Spark and bite into the back of Sparks neck.

http://www.pokemonelite2000.com/rstrainer55.png: ''It's all right Spark you can do it. Use Thunder Wave to knock him off.''

Spark stumbled around for a moment as his fur began to spark once more and jolted the Houndour. Houndour let go and fell to the ground in shock.

http://www.pokemonelite2000.com/rstrainer55.png: ''Keep at it Spark you know how to finish it off.''

Zeke stood to the side as he jumped up and down cheering for Spark. Spark leapt up for another Pin Missle but was shot down with one of Houndours Flamethrowers. [-Spark does the Stop, Drop, and Roll.- xD] Spark fell backwards as he tossed his head all around trying to put himself out after then fire shot. He rolled around in the dirt until he wasn't a fire hazard anymore.

http://www.pokemonelite2000.com/rstrainer55.png: ''Come on Spark your almost there...finish him off.''

Spark turned around as Houndour jumped on Spark once more. Spark nailed him with a combo Thunder and Pin Missle. The Thunder sent the Houndour flying back almost into the bushes and then another round of Pin Missles kept him from moving. I pulled out a Pokčball and handed it to Zeke.

http://www.pokemonelite2000.com/rstrainer55.png: ''Here take this Pokčball and throw it at the Houndour and see if you catch it.''

Zeke was a little unsure about the throwing of the Pokčball, but he took it from my hand and threw it at the Houndour. The Pin Missle faded away as the Houndour was sucked it. I stood there and waited as Zeke watched as the Pokčball moved back and forth.

Matthew
01-19-2005, 12:05 AM
Hehe.... my first grading in awhile!

Story: 77%

Though the style it was written in was creative (using the pictures and stuff) It still lacked in a creative story line, though you took the 'trainer's first journey' at a diffrent perspective. You got a few extra points for being creative, but not too many because the storyline lacked.

Grammar: 65%

xD There were quite a few errors that I caught on first read.... Maybe proofread your story after you are finished writting it to see if you can catch any errors yourself, or better yet, PM it to a freind to help you with your grammatical errors... I will point some out for you write now. Your errors consisted mainly of capitilization, and punctuation errors, with a few tense errors here and there:

-As Zeke runs in still in his blue PJ's and yells.
REVISE: As Zeke ran into the room, still in his blue pajamas, he yelled:

-''Slow down or you'll make yourself sick. The Pokčmon aren't going anywhere I promise.''
PUNCUATION: ''Slow down or you'll make yourself sick. The Pokčmon aren't going anywhere; I promise.''

-"All right what you really need is a sleeping bag, clothes, shoes, blanket, Notebook, and something to write with. Ill have everything else you'll need in my bag."
PUNCUATION/REVISE: All right. What you really need is a sleeping bag, some clothes,some shoes,a blanket, a notebook, and something to write with. I have everything else you are going to need in my bag.

Just stuff like that...

Description: 70%

You lacked on description. It could have been better. Try describing the surrondings more.

Battle: 80%

I liked it, but you barely gave the opponent a chance.... try adding some twists into the battle. It makes it seem more interesting. Maybe make a pack of Houndour ambush the brothers while they are hiking through the woods or something.

Overall: 73%

Close, but no cigar. Revise the story a bit, and maybe spice of the story line. If you need help with that, feel free to send me a PM! I will be more than happy to help you revise your story Shane. Better luck next time.

Result:

Houndour NOT captured.