View Full Version : The Tale of a Man's Best Friend.

01-21-2005, 06:39 PM
The Tale of a Man's Best Friend

JT walked into his beatiful golden house at the edge of Goldenrod city.

"Mom, I'm home!"

"Oh, Thank god, I was starting to really worry about you, baby!" His mom ran at him screaming her brains out.

His mom was wearing her famous blue dress, which everyone sawher in atleast three times a week.

"Calm down, mom I wasn't gone that long," JT said dusting off his precious blue Lettermans Jacket.

"One month is too long for me to be away from my baby" His mother said to him, still squeezing him as hard as she could.

"Ok, mom, you're suffocating me" JT said pushing her off slowly, so that he doesn't accidentaly knock her down.

He ran up his brown steps up to his blue room. His room was filled with Virginia Cavalier posters and banners wherever you looked, he was a huge UVA fan. He had been to many Cav games with his father. His father was now overseas, defending his beloved country. He had taken JT's pet Pokemon, Rufus, the Houndour. Technically, it was JT's father's pet, but JT loved that little fire dog. He had always dreamed of catching his own Houndour but he had never seen any Houndour in the Johto Region. He would have to travel all the way to Kanto to catch his own best friend. JT had plenty of Pokemon, but none of them would bond with him aswell as a Houndour would. His closet bond is with his Clefable, but his friend Dap had always made fun of that Pokemon. Saying it was a "Girls Pokemon" just because it was pick. Well Dap had gotten planty a butt whoopin' from that cute little pink ball of fluff. JT was taking a walk down memory lane when he heard a knock at the door. JT ran down stairs as fast as he could, he always wanted to answer the door before his mom did, in case it was a girl, and JT knew his mother would embarrass him. JT opened the door.

"JT!" A very familiar voice yelled, and ran in.

"John!" JT screamed.

"Man, I thought I would never see you again, I thought you had died or something!" John said, giving him a little slap on the shoulder.

"Wow, thanks John, that makes me feel grrrrreat," JT said putting his old friend in a headlock.

"Ok, Ok, that's enough! I'm sorry I didn't mean it don't hurt me!" John said in a joking voice.

"Yea, I know you would tear me up easily if you really wanted to" JT said rubbing the top of John's head with his knuckles.

"Yep, I sure could, you better not mess with me, waaaaaah" John said, starting his karate routine.

Then, all the sudden there was another knock at the door. JT opened it without hesitation, John standing behind him. It was another familiar face, except this time it was a female face. But, no it couldn't be.

"JT! John!" The female voice yelled hugging JT then John.

"Angie? No way" JT said. "I thought you had moved away for good, but then I see you standing at my door step?"

"Angie! Your back!" John said barging in.

"Yep, my father decided he would like to move back to Goldenrod, we like it much better here," Angie said in her usual perky voice.

She was wearing black shorts, and a pink shirt with white letters, that said "Shortie".

"So, your back?" John said.

"For good?" JT added on.

"Yep, I sure am!" Angie said jumping into JT's arms again.

"Wow, you sure are perky," JT said, still stunned.

"Hey, guys look what I got while I was in Kanto," Angie stated, pulling a Pokeball off her belt and dropping it on the floor.

It popped open, revealing a Houndoom.

01-22-2005, 04:11 PM
"Angie!? I didn't know you had a Houndoom!" John said, back ing away from the Houndoom.

JT reached down and petted him on the head, feeling his horns sticking off his head. The Houndoom rolled over on his back as JT rubbed his stomach. Houndoom growled in pleasure.

"Angie, where did you get him?" JT asked Allie, standing up.

"Well, we were walking down from Saffron to Vermillion to take the boat back over here to Olivine," Angie said talking with her hands moving around like she always does. "There was this big patch of grass that kind of looked like a courtyard, for a while alls we saw were Caterpie's and Wurmple's and gross bug things," Angie said crinkling her face-up.

"Such a chicken," John snickered.

"Shut up," Angie said, hitting him on the shoulder.

"Let her get back to her story John," JT said, wanting to know more about one of his favorite Pokemon.

"Ok, then this cute little puppy Houndour jumped out of the grass, barking and yipping, trying to look mean and stuff" Angie said laughing. "He couldn't even spit out a Flamethrower, he must've lost his mommy, so i sent my Jynx out to give him a Lovely Kiss and he fell asleep, then I just just simply had Jynx use a Blizzard, which almost froze him to death, so I got him in the Pokeball as fast as I could, and now look at him."

"Wow, you sure are lucky that his momma wasn't around or you would've been in for a hell of a fight," JT said, amazed.

"Yea, I know, we think it mightve been taken by Team Rocket, but they just left the puppy because it wasn't strong enough for them."

"That's awful," John muttered.

"I want a Houdoom, BAD!" JT said.

"Well," Angie said, "If you can get your mother to let you go to Kanto for about 3 weeks, I bet you, you can get yourself one."

"But, she was so happy when I got back, I don't think she could take it if I were gone again," JT said.

"JT, go on, and go," his mother said from behind them, "I'll survive."

"Really mom!?" JT said jumping up and hugging her.

"Yes, I know how much it would mean to you to have your own Houndoom, just like Rufus."

"Mom, you have GOT to be the greatest mom in the world!"

"Oh, trust me, I know," she said wiping her eyes, and laughing at the same time.

JT finnaly got to travel somewhere, with Angie, he liked her, ALOT. Now he would get to stay with for a whole 3 weeks.

01-24-2005, 12:15 AM
They all walked out into the open field outside of Goldenrod, they didn't have far to go before they reached Town Square of Goldenrod. They walked through the tall grass, brushing against their knees, and leaving temporary scrapes.

"Man, I really shouldn't have worn shorts today," Angie said pulling down her shorts as far as she could with out actually showing anything.

"I don't mind," JT said nudging John and laughing.

Angie stopped and gave JT a look, "Really, you like 'em," she said, rubbing them.

"Yea," JT said.

"Too bad, quit looking," she said, pushing him away.

John started laughing, then started coughing pretending he wasn't laughing.

"I'm sorry. Don't hurt me," JT said.

"Don't worry, I don't think I could" Angie said, putting her hand on JT's chest.

"Really?" JT said exuberantly, getting excited now.

"Yes, but your still not allowed to look," Angie said laughing.

"Fine, I won't."

By this time they were already in Town Square, coming up on the biggest Pokemart in all of Johto.

"Hey guys, wanna go in here and get some stuff for the Pokes?" JT asked.

"Ok," John said already starting to walk towards the Mart.

"Nah, I think I need to stay out here and get some sun," Angie said looking up at the sky.

"Ok, we'll be right back,"

20 minutes later JT and John were still in the Mart, it was such a big place. Angie was stading out here forever. When some guy approached her.

"Hey baby, nice shorts," the guy said, trying to act like a pimp.

He put his hand on her side.

"Yea, I know now leave me alone," Angie said pushing him away with both hands.

"Oh, come on you, know you want me, babe."

"I don't, you jerk!"

He reached around, grabbed her in a place he definately shouldn't have. Right when he did this JT was was walking out of the store with John. John knew what was about to happen.

"You ass****! Get off me!" Angie shouted.

"Come on, *****, your coming with me." He said and took her by the arm.

JT dropped the items, and ran to help Angie, JT drew back and hit the moron right in the face, he fell back with his nose bleeding.

JT jumped on top of him and screamed, "This'll teach you a lesson you jerk!"

He just kept hitting him, over, and over, and over again.

"JT! Quit that's enough!" John yelled and lifted JT off of the creep.

"You better get out of here, before he kills you!" Angie shouted making a shooing motion to him.

He ran off, into the woods, running away like a little girl.

"Angie, I'm so sorry we left you here," JT said.

"It's ok, I knew what I was risking, there are alot of jerks around here," She said, giving him a big hug.

"You're really lucky there were know cops around, your ass would be in jail," she said and kissed him.

"Wow, thanks," JT said with a big smile.

01-24-2005, 01:44 PM
They started, on there way past the Police Department, JT started to get really nervous. He hated police officers, he felt like they alwats wanted to stop him, coming up with random reasons why they were allowed to stop him.

"Excuse me, younguns," A big man came up to them wearing all blue and a golden start on his chest.

JT backed away, making him look very suspicious.

Angie stepped up to him, "Yes sir?"

"We've just got a report that an assault happened around the Pokemart, do you know anything about this?"

"Well, we saw a man with red hair and bloody nose, run into the woods over there past Bill's Parent's House," Angie said, covering up for JT very well.

"Oh, ok, we'll go track him down and see what he has to say," the policemen said, "Thank ya, little missy."

The police officer walked off to try and find the man that JT had beaten up.

"What am I? Five?" Angie asked.

"Sure, don't look like it," JT said under his breath.

They walked off, heading for the Train Station.

"Oh, and JT, I heard that,"

"Damnitt!" JT yelled, "You hear everything."

All three of the young Pokemon trainers started to laugh.

About, 15 minutes later, they finally reached the train station. They were boarding the train, when the conductor stopped them.

"I'm going to need to take all of your Pokemon, and check them in the back room."

They gave him their Pokeballs and the conductor was back in a flash. He looked very suspicious, he had a white hat and a white shirt on, but he had his mouth open very wide like he had done something wrong.

All three went to the bathroom to make sure that all of their Pokemon were there, and sure enough they were there.

"Let's get to out seats, I really need a nap," Angie said, pushing JT to the seats.

They sat down, JT next to the window, Angie in the middle, and John in the aisle seat. The seats were in very bad condition, stuffing was coming out of the bottom, and springs were popping out, it was very uncomfortable for them.

"This is making my butt hurt," Angie said moving all around.

JT somehow managed to keep his mouth shut, not making any perverted comment about Angie's butt.

"Wow, JT, you didn't say anything about my butt," Angie said smiling, "Thanks."

JT just forgot to say anything, but as soon as Angie layed her head on JT's shoulder, he was glad he didn't.

Angie was asleep in 5 minutes, he put his arm around her, and gave John a look, John did a little bit of a mock clap like he was giving JT an applause. But, as he was doing his mock clap, Angie woke up and gave him a nice hit on the shoulder. JT started busting out laughing.

"Ahh, this is the life," JT said under his breath so nobody would hear him.

01-29-2005, 02:56 AM
They got off of the Train Station in Saffron City, at 4 AM. Angie was still asleep but JT woke her up so they could get to the local hotel. She was walking like she was drunk, so she was leaning on JT the whole walk.

The conductor raised his eyebrow and stated, "I didn't know we sold alcoholic beverages on the train."

"She's, not drunk you moron," JT said giving him a look back as they walked off the train.

They walked, and walked, until finally, they found the hotel.

"Angie, Angie, wake up, we're at the hotel," JT said giving her a little shake.

"Ok, Ok, I'm up quit shaking me."

JT let loose of her and she started to sumble on her away.

They met someone at the door that had a Blue suit, and blue hat on.

"You guys lookin for a room?"

"Nope, we're going on a 4AM sight-seeing walk, Heeeere's Your Sign," JT said to John quietly.

"Yes, we are," JT said taking a step up the ledge.

"Well you'll have to wait out here for awhile."

After waiting for about 10 minutes, Angie said, "JT, I'm cold."

"You, can wear my sweatshirt," JT said pulling the University of Virginia sweatshirt over his head and handing it to Angie, "Sorry, but I can't do anything for your legs."

"Guess I'll just have to manage," Angie said as she snuggled in between JT's arm and his chest to keep warm.

JT put his arm around her and rubbed her shoulder.

About 10 minutes later, they finnaly came back outside.

01-29-2005, 01:53 PM
"We have a room for you!" The man came out yelling, with a piece of paper and a card in is hand.

"It's about time," JT said and took the papers and the card from him.

They walked all the way up to the room that the card had on it, "MiltankB"

"I didn't know there were Miltank in Kanto," JT said with a puzzled look.

"Yea, the Olive Farm ships some Miltank over to the the Farm in the next door city of Celadon all the time." Angie said, like she was some sort of genius, "It doesn't matter just let me get in there and go to sleep!"

JT slid the card through the card slit, really, slow, trying to annoy Angie.

"Open, it you jerk!" Angie screamed taking the card from JT and opening the door.

"Your so impatient when you're tired," JT said.

They walked into the room, it only had two beds.

"I'll sleep on the floor," JT said taking a few pillows off of John's bed.

Angie and John had already dove into the bed and were already almost asleep when JT finnaly layed down.

JT had been up since, 9AM only getting five hours of sleep, but he decided to let his friends take a little nap. It was already Noon, and they weren't showing any signs of getting up. JT just watched ESPN Sportscenter, waiting to see the UVA vs. Virginia Tech score. It finnaly rolled across the bottom of the screen.

UVA: 89 VT:85 Final/OT

"Yes!" JT jumped up, screaming and jumping up and down.

"We beat those stupid birds!" JT yelled again, "Time for a Thanksgiving Feast on Hokie Birds!"

"SHUT THE *mumble* UP!" Angie yelled from her bed.

"Sorry, but we beat Tech in Overtime!"

"We did? That's nice," Angie said and she fell back asleep.

JT sat back down on the floor, then he stood up and did a little jig. Then he started to sing the UVA fightsong.

"That good old song of
We'll sing it o'er and o'er
It cheers our hearts and
warms our blood
To hear them shout and roar.
We come from Old Virginia,
Where all is bright and gay.
Let's all join hands and give a yell
For the dear old UVa
Uni-v, Virginia,
Ray! Ray! U-V-a" JT sang the whole thing, and by now John and
Angie, were both about to kill him.

"JT, SHUT UP!" John yelled.

Angie and John both jumped up, and grabbed JT, and slammed him on to the bed.

"Ok, guys, I'll shut up."

JT, whispered the song."That good old song of
We'll sing it o'er and o'er
It cheers our hearts and
warms our blood
To hear them shout and roar.
We come from Old Virginia,
Where all is bright and gay.
Let's all join hands and give a yell
For the dear old UVa
Uni-v, Virginia,
Ray! Ray! U-V-a"
"J......T" Angie said.

"Ok, I'm done, please, just don't hurt me."
After watching Sportscenter about 4 more times, John and Angie, FINALLY got up.

"Are you guys ready for breakfast?" Angie asked.

"Um, Angie, it's 2PM," JT said, "There's no breakfast at 2PM"

"Ok, fine then Mr. Technicallity," Angie said bobbing her head around.

"Let's order lunch," John said, and grabbed the phone.

John said all the orders into the phone, he was talking to a French guy, that he couldn't quite understand.

"Yea, Yea, sure," John said, just trying to get the phone call over with.

"Oh, lord, you said "Yea, Yea, sure," We're gonna get snails now you idiot," JT said laughing.

01-30-2005, 06:58 PM
It was 20 minutes later, after JT's UVA celebration. The 20 minutes had contained, snails being delivered to their room, them trying the snails, them throwing out the snails. It was such an action packed 20 minutes.

"How about we go on a little walk to Celadon," JT said.

"Ok, I think that's a good idea," Angie said, "Just let me get in the shower and get dressed and stuff, OK?."

"Ok, fine." JT said.

John said, "JT, I'll play you in NCAA College Football 2005 while we wait."

"Ok, your on."

JT and John plugged up the PS2 and put in the game. JT picked UVA of course, and John was the hated rival VT. JT always loved to see the Orange and Blue wave storm on to the field. In basketball games, he loved watching UVA defeat UNC, or Duke, at home and watching the students storm the court. He has a T-Shirt that says Orange Crush in bright Orange letters against a Blue backround. He had a wristband that said Wahoos on it, he is an overall, UVA freak.

JT beat John very bad in College Football. Singing the UVA fightsong after every touchdown. John had gotten so annoyed like he always does and finnally shouted, "JT, SHUT UP!"

"Wow, calm down there Johnny, I'm just having a little fun, lighten-up."

About this time, Angie walked out of the bathroom, and said "Ok, guys let's hit the road."

John gave JT a dirty look and walked out the door.

Now, was their first chance to get a good look of Saffron when it wasn't dark outside, it was so busy. People running around, trying to get to Silph Co.

"Hey, JT, remember when you evolved your Porygon with that Upgrade I gave?" Angie asked.

"Yes, of course I do."

"Well, I got it here at Silph Co." Angie said, "They were just handing them out to everyone."

"Wow, that's cool."

All the rooves were purple, and the actual houses themselves were white. The street was paved with gold. (Ok, not real gold, just the color of gold.)

"Man, I sure do love this place" JT said.

"Yea, me too," said John.

They all looked different then the other people, the other people dressed so plain. John was wearing some sort of soccer shirt and khaki pants. JT was wearing a University of Virginia basketball shirt, and University of Virginia basketball shorts. Angie was wearing a pink button-up shirt with a white undershirt underneath, and blue-jeans. JT thought she looked great, like she always does.

"Ok, guys we're at the guard house," Angie said, "Some of these guys can be real jerks."

They walked into the door and were immediantley met by a guy wearing all blue.

"Where do you think you guys are going?"

"Um, Celadon, where does it look like we're going?" JT asked.

"Well, sorry, I was just asking a question you little smartass," The guard said as he opened up the gate.

As soon as they walked through the next gate, a big pink cow, appeared to them.

"A Miltank!" JT shouted.

01-30-2005, 08:16 PM
Miltank saw them, and started to charge.

"Crawdaunt, go!"

JT threw the pokeball, it opened with a red beam of light that transformed into a crab-shrimp looking Pokemon.

But, Miltank had already gotten too close before Crawdaunt could move. Miltank hit it head on with a Rollout attack. Crawdaunt flew back and the Miltank just barreled over top of it, and kept going. It was trying to make a get away!

"I don't think so!" JT shouted as he threw another Pokeball, "Venusaur, use Vine Whip, and bring it back!"

Venusaur shot its beautiful, green vines out of the flower on the top of it's head. It wrapped around Miltank while it was still rolling, and rolled it on back. Miltank was so angry now, that JT knew it would not try to run away, it was going to stay and fight. Miltank jumped up into the air and used a big Body Slam on Venusaur.

"Venusaur, return, let Crawdaunt handle this," JT said as the red beam came out of the Pokeball and took the angry and hurt Venusaur back in. "Crawdaunt, use Crabhammer!"

Crawdaunt brought back it's huge claw, which started to glow, and then proceeded to drop it down upon Miltank's head. Miltank used the milk that it was making to heal itself.

"Oh, no, JT! It's using Milk Drink!" Angie shouted.

"Crawdaunt, use your Crunch!"

Crawdaunt's claw turned black, and he opened it as wide as he could, then he clamped it down around Miltank's neck. Miltank let out a big moo and fell backwards. It jumped back up and JT could see the rage in its eyes. Miltank rolled back at Crawdaunt, knocking it over again, this time, it didn't try to keep going and run away. It decided to back over Crawdaunt, then run over, it again, then back over it again. Until, finally Crawdaunt got annoyed, he jumped up when Miltank was coming back for the fifth time. Miltank didn't even notice because she was rolling so fast. Crawdaunt opened up it's mouth and let out a powerful Bubblebeam. At first the Bubbles just bounced off the rolling Miltank. Then Crawdaunt brought up a wave out of the River behind them and crashed it down on the Miltank. Miltank stopped rolling and fell backwards.

"Wow, great job, Crawdaunt," JT said, as suprised as can be.


Miltank got up slowly, but it got up. It used Milk Drink again, healing itself once again.

"God! I hate that!" JT screamed.

JT threw out Venusaur again. Venusar was still very angry from earlier.

"Use, Vine Whip and throw it!"

Venusaur shot it's whips out again, wrapping around Miltank, this time, throwing it into a tree. Miltank stood up, but, walking a little irattically.

Venusaur started to wrap it's vines around Miltank's neck, squeezing as hard as he could.

"Venusaur, No!" JT shouted. "You can't kill it, pull back!"

Venusaur let loose with a sad look in its eyes again.

Miltank spotted Crawdaunt again, and used a Body Slam again. Miltank jumped in the air, sprawled out like a flying squirrel, and landed on that poor Pokemon. Crawdaunt had to pinch Miltank's utter to get it off of him. Miltank jumped up in pain. Miltank started to use Milk Drink again.

"No, uh-uh, we're not letting it do that again!" JT shouted as Miltank started to put the Milk to its lips,"Crawdaunt, use Ice Beam! Aim at the milk!"

Crawdaut pointed its claw at Miltank at let the beam of ice go, it hit the milk dead on freezing it on impact. Miltank ate the milk, or I guess it was Ice Cream now, but didn't get her health back. Instead, the Ice Cream made her sick. It was hard of her to move around now. She had gotten full.

"Crawdaunt, use Surf again!"

Crawdaunt hit the Miltank with Surf and Miltank was sucked under water as the wave passed.

Miltank tried another Rollout but it was moving so slow that Crawdaunt had enough time to get out of the way. Miltank was so heavy that it couldn't stop itself from rolling right into the tree.

Miltank just laid there for awhile, and Crawdaunt just stood there, not wanting to take advantage of a Pokemon while it was down.

Miltank barely stood up. It tried to use Milk Drink again but, it got a bunch of Ice Cream again. It engulfed it, making itself even sick then it already was.

"Ok, good job Crawdaunt" JT said pulling out Crawdaunt's Pokeball and returning it. "Go Porygon2!" JT shouted sending out his little man-made Pokemon. "Use, Thunderwave on that thing!"

Porygon's eyes turned yellow, and a streak of lightning came pouring out of his head, it hit Miltank, paralyzing it. Miltank fell over not being able to move. Now, Miltank's sickness wasn't going to help JT a whole lot because it was not very easy for Porygon 2 to get where it wanted to go.

Miltank jumped into the air using Body Slam on Porygon2. Porygon2's eyes rolled around in it's head, and now it too, was paralyzed. Miltank used Heal Bell, healing itself from paralyzation. Miltank rolled at Porygon2. Running it over, but this time, it decided to just jump out of it's ball and wait for Porygon2 to make its move.

"Porygon2, use Swagger!"

Porygon2 couldn't use its move. Miltank got tired of waiting and decided to use a Body Slam. Porygon2 was about to faint, it couldn't move and was it's health was slowly deteroiating.

"Porygon2, return! Go Snorlax!" JT yelled. "Now, it's asking for it."

Miltank tried to use a Body Slam on Snorlax, but she just bounced right off of Snorlax, and Snorlax just laughed.

"Watch this guys, Snorlax, use Rest!"

Snorlax started getting sleepy, then it just fell forward, landing on Miltank and falling asleep. Miltank couldn't get out, with this huge Pokemon laying on top of it.

"Venusaur, use Vine Whip, and drag the Miltank out!"

Venusaur wrapped it's vines around Miltank and pulled it out from underneath Snorlax.

Miltank was knocked out completely.

"Venusaur, throw it into the river!"

Venusaur slung it into the river and Miltank sunk under, losing health every inch it went down.

"Go Crawdaunt! Bring it back!"

Crawdaunt dove into the water, it took it awhile to come back, but it was back, with Miltank in its claws. Miltank still started to struggle a little bit. JT knew he had to finish it now.

"Crawdaunt, Gullotine!" JT shouted pumping his fist in the air towards Crawdaunt.

"Crawdaunt's claws turned bright red, it slashed with both claws across Miltank's face. Miltank stopped struggling and Crawdaunt walked off leaving it laying on the ground.

"Crawdaunt, return!"

"I'm sorry I had to use that last Gullotine on you Miltank, but you wouldn't stop struggling. Pokeball, Go!" JT shouted.

The Miltank was sucked into the Pokeball.

02-01-2005, 12:49 AM
Story 85%

It had a history behind it, so it kept my interest. I liked how Houndour was the main interest of JT in the story, but the actual mon he attempted to capture was Miltank. I hope you will continue the story?

Grammar 65%


I found so many errors.... too many, in fact. Make sure you proofread your story, or even have a friend look it over... it doesn't look to great when you enter a story into a contest and there are a plethora of errors. I will point out a few, but I suggest going back and correcting all, if not most, of them.

which everyone saw her in at least three times a week

Try to not forget about spacing between words.... I am sure it was just accidental, but don't forget to correct them!

I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. Don't hurt me!

3 sentences that run-on each other! Even in speech, that isn't the best grammar.... try not to forget to puncuate... I am pretty sure you are capable of knowing where to puncuate, and where not to.

JT thought she looked great, like she always does.

Unless you are an arrogant fool who thinks he looks great, try to get the pronouns right! I'm sure it was again, a typo.... but it was funny when I read it XD.

Miltank jumped into the air using Body Slam on Porygon2, Porygon2's eyes rolled around in it's head, and now it too, was paralyzed. Miltank used Heal Bell, healing itself from paralyzation, Miltank rolled at Porygon2, running it over, but this time, it decided to just jump out of it's ball and wait for Porygon2 to make its move.

Just read it.... too many commas XD. This goes along with the puncuation remark made previously... Break diffrent ideas apart and form sentences with them.... I'm sure you know how to make complex sentences and the works... It was just jumbled together and very difficult to read... Try to simplify this paragraph and make it easier to read by making more than one extremely long sentence. There were quite a few more errors and awkward statements in the battle description....

Description 75%

Meh... mediocre.... It could have been much better, but it will do. I would like to see more description in the future...

Battle 70%

It was for a Miltank.... so it should have been much more detailed and much more lengthier. It was an alright battle, and I like how you interpreted the fact that the Miltank became full on her Milk Drink, and how you froze it.... but you could have done much more with the battle... Try to improve on it, and you may get a better grade. Also, correct all the grammatical errors.

Overall 73.75%



Miltank NOT captured!

Please revise your story, considerably in the area of Grammar. Maybe add a few more descriptions here and there. Also, try not to be repetitive with words... use a thesarus. It helps me when I write, so I am sure it will help you. Good luck JT, and I will get back to you as soon as possible!

02-01-2005, 01:54 AM
Wow, lmao, I got WAY too comma happy lmao. I've always done that for some reason. My grammar sucks lol.

02-01-2005, 03:06 AM
Story 85%

Meh... same story... same grade XD

Grammar 71%

Meh.... a little bit better, though still some mistakes were present.... don't worry about it... at least you made the effort to correct most of them :wink:


Description 77%

A bit better.... especially in the battle :silly: I know you could do better though...

Battle 72%

A bit better, due to the added descriptions and grammar corrections, though I still wish you had added more.

Overall 76.25%




Meh. You made an effort to improve, earning you a few extra points in three of the categories, just pushin you barely over the top. I expect a much better story from you next time Mr. JT! I know you have the potential to be a great story writer. You have the write sense in your storyline, and such, but please improve upon your weakpoints, which include, but are not limited to:
-Weak descriptions (Use a thesarus to vary your words... it becomes boring using the same words over and over again)
-Longer battles (Maybe use real URPG battles as an influence.... make them a large part of your story... not a medium size post stuck to the end of your fic....)

I hope to see an improvement next time, but for now, Good Luck in the story contest! You have quite the competition this season.