View Full Version : Black and Red

01-29-2005, 05:38 PM
Chapter One: Tall Tail

The lush green of an awakening meadow revealed a young girl of about 11 years, arms crossed in front of her, head lowered as she leaned against a tall oak tree, sleeping. The sun glimmered off her curtaining, long black hair. Her blue eyes were hidden beneath her hair, and she was breathing softly, wearing only a white tanktop and blue jeans. Her legs were crossed as well as she lounged back, every once in a while she twitched in her dreams.

Besider her lay a glimmering red coated fox. But, if you drew closer, you could see this was no ordinary fox. With numerous tails and a strange tuft of fur atop its head, this was a young Pokemon. Paws crossed beneath her head, complete with closed eyes and a snuffling nose that twitched slightly as she slept, this was the young girls Vulpix.

Twittering Spearows and Pidgeys busily began to move as the golden sun spread its warmth upon the girl, Azreal Black, and her adorable, but young, Vulpix. A gasp racked the body of Azreal as a Pidgey cuffed her head with a small wing, accidentally.

Immediately, Azreal was on her feet, brushing long black hair from her eyes. She looked up, startled, just in time to see the Pidgey laughing, or twittering, in a taunting way. Gasping for breath, Azreal rubbed her head. Her Vulpix was on her paws, fur standing on end and eyes glowing an eerie red as she growled angrily at the annoying little bird.

Azreal sighed, blushing an embarassed shade of red as her small fox calmed down. She gazed up at the bristling of the trees in the wind, and saw scuttling clouds about the sky, but nothing more.

"Vul." chirruped her cute Pokemon as Azreal bent down to pick her up. Her coat was slightly wet with the sparkling dew of the morning, and as Azreal pet her, she carefully reached down to get a silky cloth from her pack, running it over the wet coat of her fox as the breeze gently lifted her hair. "Well, Eithne.. do you think we should go on ahead?" Azreal asked softly, gently ruffling the strange tuft shaped into numerous curls atop the foxes head affectionately.

"Pix." chirruped the cute fox, tilting her head and playfully licking Azreals finger. The trainer chuckled, setting her only Pokemon down gently. "So we should go on?" she asked her Pokemon. The small, beautifully colored fox nodded her head and began to move forward on soft, but tiny velvety paws.

Doesn't waste any time, does she? thought Azreal, chuckling to herself as she picked up a long stride, having a bit of trouble keeping up with the pacing fox who moved into a run.

They went on for hours, sometimes circling back over their own prints. They began to become exhausted, but the Vulpix refused to give up. So, with exhausted sighs, they went forward. Dark gray clouds began to move in, until lightnig began to strike across thky with loud bangs soundin dangerously close to the two.

The storm broke and sheets of rain cascaded from the black clouds. With a suprised yell, Azreal scooped up Eithne and staggered underneath a tree. But, as lightning flashed, Azreal knew they wouldn't be safe for long.

Then, just as Azreal predicted, lightning struck the tree. With a loud scream, Azreal raced forward. The tree smashed to the ground behind her. Another bolt of lightning flashed, but this time it struck her. Fortunately, the electricity only passed over her instead of hitting her full on.

But, the lightning was still strong. With a pained yelp, Azreal fell to her knees. Her vision became blurry, from the rain or the lightning she didn't know, and she felt as if this were all a dream.

Her Vulpix was still in her arms, and gently licked her cheek, looking worried and frightened. But then a loud, musical call erupted from in front of them. Looking up, both figures saw it was a ghostly greyish figure. It was Vulpix's evolved form, a Ninetales. But this one was different. Glowing red eyes and red paws, and a silvery color that matched the color of the moon made this Ninetales seem transparent and ghostly.

The Ninetales gave a respectful nod, and began to move forward, bobbing her head to them in a gesture that told them to follow her. Azreal didn't know as of yet if this creature was a figment of her imagination or not. There was a glint of a blue circular medallion attached to a golden chain that hung around the ghostly figures neck. The glint of it guided them through the rain as they staggered, drenched, after her.

She dissappeared into a cave, and Azreal followed her. Azreal didn't see the Ninetales when she went in the inky blackness of the cave, but it was a good shelter from the rain. Exhausted, Azreal collapsed right there in the cave.
The gentle licking of Eithne awoke Azreal from her deep sleep. Groaning, she opened her eyes. The gentle light of day filtered into the cave and Eithne yipped happily as Azreal moved to sit up. With a pained groan, she winced. Her body ached from her endless traveling, and suddenly the memories of the last night came flooding back....the rain, the tree, the lightning... the ghostly Pokemon that seemed a figment of her imagination.

Azreal looked around the cave for the Ninetales so as to thank her, but the only thing in the cave besides Eithne and her were a flickering fire that gave off much warmth and comfort.

Azreal chuckled. The Ninetales MUST have been a figment of her imagination if she wasn't here any more. But then, her hand swept against something warm on her chest.

Looking down, Azreal saw something that made her thoughts of doubt vanish instantly. Around her neck was a golden chain, but attached to it, lieing te on her chest... the sapphire blue medallion that had glinted and shown them the way from the neck of the Ninetales.

Her eyes grew wide. Suprisingly, the dazzling stone was warm and glinting, not cold as Azreal expected it to be. And, etched in the stone, a small image in the center, was a picture of flames.

Azreal now knew that the ghostly image was real. But, would they ever meet again? Was the ninetales just gone for a short while? Why did she help them? With a sigh, Azreal realized she needed answers to these questions. But a voice in her head told her she would have to wait for the answers... wait for a while at that.

She stood up, hand gently caressing the precious medallion. An unknown ominous feeling told her that she would have to never let this medallion out of her sight. She moved forward,stepping out of the cave into the warmth of a sunny, but muddy day.

She immediately strode off quickly... alittle too quickly. She slipped in the deep mud, and threw out her hands to catch herself on a giant boulder before she fell completely. Scrambling to gain her balance, something sharp quickly bit her hand.

Thinking it was Eithne, Azreal whirled around. Standing there on the rock was a small Electrike, sending sparks from his body. Quickly he lunged forward, taking the chain of the medallion between his teeth and dropping from the rock. The chain came undone, and the Electrike sped off with her medallion.

"NO!" she screamed. The ominous feeling she should let nothing happen to the precious medallion grew larger as she chased after the Electrike. Growling, she followed him down a muddy trail to a large mountain wall, where he became cornered with the medallion in his mouth.

He spat the medallion out behind him, moved farther in front of it, and growled menacingly. "Eeeeelect!" he grumbled as Eithne moved forward to protect Azreal.

"Vuuuulpix, pix!" answered Eithne with one of her own growls.

"Alright, Eithne, we have to get that medallion back! Maybe we could catch this Electrike in the process though! Use your Confuse ray, don't hold back, it'll be easier to catch when under a status condition!" yelled Azreal, thinking fast. She wanted this battle over even before it began.

Vulpix glow, her golden-red eyes glowing brightly as the wind around her suddenly picked up. Electrike became less tense and began to stumble around as a small beam of some sort picked up, heading towards him. Electrikes eyes became a bit glassy and he began to stumble. Azreal now knew he was Confused.

"Great, now use Flamethrower!" she yelled, ready for anything as the electrike stumbled about in Confusion.

He shook his head hard, but this only made him sway a bit less. With a growl, sparks began to shoot from his body as Vulpix charged up her Flamethrower. "It's Thunder, Eithne, WATCH OUT!" screamed Azreal, recognizing the familiar sparks that came before an Electric attack.

A torrent of swirling molten flames came in a stream just as bright yellow electricity zapped from Electrike. The attacks arched and hit each other in midair, then a large explosion occured. Both pokemon were blasted back.

01-29-2005, 05:39 PM
As the smoke cleared, Azreal saw Vulpix getting up, black patches on her beautiful fur from the explosion. She looked tired, but shook her head hard, with a growl that showed she was ready to continue.

Electrike was lieing on the ground. Azreal looked hopeful, but just as she pulled out the sphere that meant capture, the dog rose, trembling slightly, but looking as though he lost the amount of health, if not less, that Eithne did.

"Will o Wisp, Eithne!" yelled Azreal. She was desperate to get this battle over, but both pokemon still looked a bit fresh. Azreal knew of Electrikes ability and wasn't about to try her Vulpix's Tail Whip attack, so they were left with attacks that could be sent from a far away distance.

Dancing silvery spheres of flame reached over to Electrike from Vulpix, and charred black spotl ike the ones on Vulpixes coat appeared on electrike. He yelped as he was Burned, loosing more of his health. Azreal knew he was now becoming weak from being confused and burned. She grinned weakly, hoping this battle would be over. but she hated seeing the electrike in such pain...

"Flamethrower again, Eithne!" choked Azreal. She was fighting every instinct to run onto the field and comfort the Electrike. She knew she had to get used to battling Pokemon, not taking care of them.

Eithne saw her trainers sad look, and powered her Flamethrower as fast as she could. She knew her owner would rather it be over soon and fast. But, just as she was about to finish powering up her attack, Electrike moved forward with lightning speed, ramming into Vulpix with unbelievable power.

The flames from the Flamethrower Eithne released licked at Electrike as he slammed headfirst into Vulpix with Quick Attack. A sad, helpless whimpering yelp came from her as she flew through the air, landed on her sided rolled twice. She panted slightly, the pained look on her face almost too much for Azreal to bear.

Eithne sturggled to her feet, or paws in this instance, but just then Electrike ran in front behind, lunging at her and catching some of the fur on her side in between his teeth, chomping down hard with a Bite attack. The pained scream thatcame from her pokemon as she rolled with the other Pokemon attached to her almost brought Azreal to her knees.

She tried to scream, tried to yell at the Electrike as he fought throught he Confusion to tear at her Vulpix. But it only came out as a choked up whisper. "Leave her alone... Please, leave her alone.."

Eithne got up, then rose her head in a Roar attack of her own accord. The fur on her side had been bitten harshly, and she was bleeding slightly, but the bristling of her tail and the fierce Roar sent Electrike stumbling back nonetheless. He winced as the burn took it's toll for the second time, letting out a pained whimper.

Azreal sought new confidence in the fact that Eithne seemed determined to fight for her. "Ember!" yelled Azreal. then she spotted the medallion ungauded, and ran for it desperately.

Just as Vulpix fired her Ember, the Electrike dodged around her, teeth bared with an angry look as he lunged at Azreal. He had seen her heading towards the medallion. Just as he was about to tear into her leg, Vulpix rushed forward and jumped in front of Azreal. Once again, she let out a pained scream as the Electrikes sharp fangs tore at her.

"Oh, Eithne, no!" Azreal cried in horror as she scooped up the medallion, quickly putting it back on. "LEAVE HER ALONE!" bellowed Azreal as the Electrike continued to tear at her again. The bellowing voice of Azreal paused the fight as if they had been frozen. Vulpix recovered from the sudden yell first, squirming out from under Electrike, who winced and trembled as the burn drained even more health from him.

"Flamethrower!" screamed Azreal triumphantly. Vulpix opened her mouth for the last time, and boiling hot flames licked over the Electrike harshly. He let out another pained yelp, and fell over whimpering. Another yelp came when burn took it's shot for the last time as Azreal stepped away from the Electrike, enlarged the sphere she still held in a death grip in her hand, and threw it at the fallen Lightning Pokemon.

"Pokeball, go!" she cried, stepping forward to scoop up Eithne and stroke her lovingly as she watched the Pokeball intently, waiting for the reaction.

02-01-2005, 04:16 PM
Story 81%

Basic Trainer story, but with a twist. I was actually amazed by this story, and I wish it was longer... heh. I loved how you tied the Ninetales and the medallian into the story, leading you eventually to the theiving Electrike. Beautiful story :silly:!

Grammar 69%

Meh.... few errors, but nothing that was disturbing. I will point out a few things and then tell you what your weak point was. Nothing too terrible, except you need to work on a few things.

Dark gray clouds began to move in, until lightning began to streak across the sky with loud bangs sounding dangerously close to the two.

I imagine you type fast.... so try to slow it down, or if not, reveiw a paragraph after you type it to check for errors, or correct them as you type them.

With a loud scream, Azreal raced forward, followed quickly by the crash of the collapsing tree behind her

Changing the two sentences and combining them together so they flow quickly gives the reader a sense of speed, or rapid movement. It flows quickly, thus giving the reader a better experience and picture of the events that are unfolding.

An eerie light radiated from the small, but ferocious, fire fox, her crimson eyes glowing intensely as the wind around her began to gust hastily.

Changing the desctiptions slightly and rearranging words and such gives the sense of power, which I hope is what you were aiming for. Try to choose words of strength and agility when you are describing a battle. It gives the reader a feeling of intense power and combat.

Azreal looked hopeful, but just as she pulled out the sphere that hopefully meant a capture, the static canine trembled slightley as it diligintly began to rise. Looking as if it was just as fatigued as her Vulpix was, Electrike ressumed its battle position.

Again, use bigger, and stronger words to describe the battle. I like what you did though. Notice how I broke up the sentence, resulting in a smooth transition between ideas.

and charred spots, similar to the marks on Vulpix's coat, appeared on electrike.

A few mistakes here and there. Again, I want to emphasis that you should correct typo errors as you type. Don't look at the keyboard as you type; Look at the screen, thus making it easier to catch errors. Also, use more appropriate words when describbing something. I took out 'black,' seeing as it is uneeded because of the word 'charred' (when you here charred, you instantly assume 'burnt black'.), and I replaced spots with marks, because 'marks' seems to sound better when talking about a burnt area... but that is just me.

One error that seemed to be common throughout the entire story was the lack of apostrophes when talking about posession. When you are talking about a person's posessions, place an apostrophe between the s and the last letter of the word... "(example: '...the girl's hair...')

Description 80%

One of your strong points! I loved your descriptions, though previously stated, they could be better. Try using a thesarus to get better words than some of your weaker descriptive words, and try to write the sentences in ways that help what you are describing, like I previously stated in the Grammar section:

With a loud scream, Azreal raced forward, followed quickly by the crash of the collapsing tree behind her

Changing the two sentences and combining them together so they flow quickly gives the reader a sense of speed, or rapid movement. It flows quickly, thus giving the reader a better experience and picture of the events that are unfolding.


An eerie light radiated from the small, but ferocious, fire fox, her crimson eyes glowing intensely as the wind around her began to gust hastily.

Changing the desctiptions slightly and rearranging words and such gives the sense of power, which I hope is what you were aiming for. Try to choose words of strength and agility when you are describing a battle. It gives the reader a feeling of intense power and combat.

Battle 75%

Neat! I like it very much, though it could have been slightly longer.... or you could have made it so that you 'accidently' hurt the electrike so bad, that you must capture it to take it to a PC to heal it... because it is not exciting to say.... oh, you stole my necklace so I mights as well capture you in the process of getting it back... you say that Azreal is one who likes to care for Pokemon... so why not work off of that idea :silly:.

Overall 76.25%



Electrike CAPTURED!