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Flame Master
02-07-2005, 05:13 AM
John was running. He was excited to finally get the chance to get his first Pokemon. His mother had packed his bag with 5 empty Pokeballs, a sleeping bag, extra clothing, and food supplies. His bag was a blue and gold backpack with two different sized pockets.

As he quickly opened the door to Professor Oak’s laboratory room stood five Pokeballs and Professor Oak. Professor Oak stood there looking at some research papers. Slowly John crept up next to the Professor then John tap his shoulder slowly. As John touched the Professor jumped up with a jolt and dropped all his papers.

“Um hi,” said John “I am her to receive my first Pokemon.” Yes, Yes, said Professor Oak and led John to where the Pokeballs were. “Test one out,” Professor Oak told John. John slowly chose one and tossed out a Pokeball. A white light unleashed a small red fiery bird appeared after the white light passed. It was a Torchic.

Torchic looked at John and John looked at Torchic. Torchic opened it mouth at John and a fierier blast hit John shoulder. “Wow, hot one,” said John “I’ll take him.” “Ok,” said Professor Oak and returned Torchic to it Pokeball. “Here you are John,” said Proffessor Oak handing John the Pokeball. “Thank You,” replied John receiving the Pokeball and placing it on his belt.

John looked back at the professor and he left the building planning to come back one day.

Flame Master
02-07-2005, 05:21 AM
John drank some water as he sat down on a rock to rest. He was about three miles away of Virdean City. John gave a sigh and looked at the way ahead of him. Then he saw some sort of bird by the tall grass. He slowly creeped up to the bird. It seemed that the bird was a pidgey. John came out of hideing.

The pidgey snaped of what it was doing and stared at John. "Lets do this" John mind said. "GO Torchick," yelled John. In a flash of light Torchick appered on the ground. Torchick ruffled his feathers to get ready from battle.

Pidgey started off the battle with a takcle. It hit Torchick and knocked him into a tree. "Um lets not do that again," mubbled John. Pidgey was about to do another attak John yelled," flamthrower." Torchick then send a blast of a fire beam straight at Pidgey. It hit him at knocked him back on the ground.

Pidgey took a while to recover ,but got on it feet. Before Torchick could finsh Pidgey off Pidgey attaked Torchick with a gust. Torchick was in the air but luckly was able to grab on to a tree Then Torchick fell over up side down still holding on to the branch still facing Pidgey as Pidgey keep using gust.

"Tochick use flamethrower,"yelled John. Torchick opened his mouth and with the rest of his energy blasted Pidgey with a burning blast. Torchick was still hanging upside down. John threw a Pokeball at Pidgey. The Pokeballs Red light glowed and the pokeball moved. Then the Pokeball moved too much and rolled upside down. Then a ding and the light shut off. "I caught my first Pokemon,"yelled John.

John took Torchick's Pokeball and then aimed a laser at Torchick. "Return,"said John and a beam of light hit Torchick then entered the Pokeball. "Great job Torchick,"said John. John took out both Pokeballs. "This is so cool,"John mubbled excitedly. As John kept thinking to himself he walked into Virdean with his new Pokemon friend.

Jack of Clovers
02-11-2005, 09:35 AM
check out the How to Write Stories guide stickied at the top. mostly read my parts. it explains some helpful information you should know to make this story better.

length: this is not long enough for a Pidgey. double the length of the story and the battle.

grammer: when a new person speaks, you separate the paragraph. you also forgot the quotes when Prof. Oak say Yes yes. another thing on paragraphs, action from different characters get their own paragraph. example:
Pidgey started off the battle with a takcle{misspelled}. It hit Torchick and knocked him into a tree.
"Um lets not do that again," mubbled John. Pidgey was about to do another attak John yelled," flamthrower."
Torchick then send a blast of a fire beam straight at Pidgey. It hit him at knocked him back on the ground. Pidgey took a while to recover ,but got on it feet. Before Torchick could finsh Pidgey off Pidgey attaked Torchick with a gust. Torchick was in the air but luckly was able to grab on to a tree Then Torchick fell over up side down still holding on to the branch still facing Pidgey as Pidgey keep using gust.

Torchick=> Torchic
Viridean=> Viridian

battle: short. how does Pidgey use Gust? don't just say the Pokemon uses the attack, show the reader how it is performed. something like this:
Pidgey furiously flaps its wings back and forth to create hugs amounts of forcefull wind at Torchic, causing the air beneath it to rise and carry the fiery Pokemon.

tips: NEVER say you catch the Pokemon, that is for the Grader to decide. always leave ur story ending where the Pokeball wobbles around then use the dots .....

Outcome- Pidgey Not Captured!

~Jack~