PDA

View Full Version : Daycare Disaster


~* Esper *~
02-09-2005, 08:13 PM
"Wake up, wake up Esper," Nurse Joy gracefully said as she lightly tapped Esper's black, leather blazer so that he could awake from his snooze. Slowing opening his dark blue eyes, and rubbing the little clobs of sleep from under them, he shot up, stretching, as he realized it was morning. He looked over at Nurse Joy, and could only smile as her natural tranquility just soothed everyone in her presence.

"Hey, Nurse Joy, good morning. What time is it ," Esper asked while getting his one strap, black backpack from where he layed.

"It's about 9 o' clock. The Game Corner Tournament is about to begin and I wanted to wake you before everyone came rushing in here registering," She replied with a faint smile.

"Ok, well thank you so much for the food last night, and taking Ralts to get some care," Esper said as he gave Nurse Joy a quick hug. He then got up from where he sat, the smooth, metal, purple bench that sat right against the Nurse's station.

Waving good-bye to Nurse Joy, he walked out into Mauville City. Looking up he covered his eyes quickly as the bright sun was shining at its peak this early, and very bright morning. Remembering why he was there, helping out at the Daycare center, he started to unchain his bike from the cold rail outside the PokeCenter. As he got it off, and put the chain with a lock in his small pocket, a very large, black blimp flew overhead. He noticed the large red "R" in the middle, and he figuredit was Team Rocket. But before anything, he was blown to the ground by the wind storm caused from the blimp.

Embarrased, and his cheeks being as pink and flustered as possible, he started to rise from the ground, and dust himself off. As he went to get his belongings, an unfamiliar hand got to them before he could. As he looked up, he realized he was looking at Sarah. She was another person who was helping out at the center. Her sky blue shirt, pink skirt, and flowing blue hair just complimented her beautiful, sparkling hazel eyes.

"Sarah, uh, thanks. Um, what are you doing out here ? I thought you would be at the center helping out," Esper stuttered as he got up from the ground.

"Well, I was just picking up some breakfast on my way to help the Old Lady. Are you coming in today? Or are you in the tournament," Sarah said with a smile.

"Yeah, I was just on may before the - wait, did you see the blimp that just flew over here," Esper quickly said as if he was rushing.

Before Sarah could answer, both of them were blown to the ground by a loud explosion and flash that was followed by a large smoke cloud. Large pieces of heavy debris were flying everwhere, and Esper quickly got into the fetal position as he covered Sarah as well. They both got up, and before anything, Esper noticed her cheeks were rosey and they both held on to each other a bit too long. But then, almost simultaneously, they looked in the explosion's direction, and quickly realized the Old Lady might be in trouble...

boltAge
02-11-2005, 03:57 PM
Opinions? More like some advice.

1) Don't leave spaces after open inverted commas(wait, I don't know if this is the right name for the punctuation, but w/e, that's what I learnt anyway :razz: ).

eg.

" Hey, John!"

becomes...

"Hey, John!"

2) Use comma, and not a full stop, at the end of a quoted sentence/speech/whatever.

eg.

"Pink, you're such a jerk." She said.

becomes...

"Pink, you're such a jerk," she said.

3) Grammatical error stuff, yeah, missing punctuations and stuff. Work on that.

4) More details. I don't really see much adjectives, adverbs and stuff.

5) Reread your story always. This will help find mistakes if you have them.