View Full Version : Mystery of Frier!

02-13-2005, 02:28 AM
Ive decided to start fresh in my URPG stories.

Mahogany Town was the most cold town in all of Johto. Mahogany was a very small town and nothing ever happened. The trees curved as the icy wind blew over Jac’s head. Jac was the oldest child in Mahogany. He was the average size of a thirteen year old, and had dark brown skin. His short curly hair not shifting one bit and the wind blew in his face. He stood at the foot of his door step about to start is Pokemon journey with his faithful Piloswine standing by his side. Piloswine was very well kept due to his mothers grooming shop. Piloswine’s good posture could tell you that it was proud to be Jac’s partner and friend.

Jac and Piloswine walked until they reached the grocery store. Jac picked up a couple vegetables and fruit for his grandmother. His grandmother was a professional Pokemon breeder in her day, but her age has limited her in what she is capable of. Her most prized Pokemon, Chansey, helps her with everything. Although Jac’s grandmother was very frail she was very strict.

Jac walked home from the grocery story. Laid the groceries down and walked to th mailbox.
“Bills, Bills, Bills”, Jac murmered, “Bills, Contest Entry Form”
Jac looked at the entry form.
-Win 500,000,000-
“Darn, we never get anything good…”, Jac said to himself.
Jac walked to the doorstep with Piloswine following close behind. He picked up the groceries and walked in. Chansey greeted him. Jac set the groceries on the kitchen table, and saw his mother sleep on the couch. His grandmother was watching the Hoenn Pokemon contest finals.
“Did you get the asparagus?” She yelled.
“Yes Grandma…” Jac replied.
“You’re such a good boy, Jac”, his grandmother said,” By the way, we have a new neighbor, you and Piloswine should go greet her.”

Jac once again walked out of his front door and off to the new neighbor’s house. He walked a couple blocks until he saw moving trucks, and Machamps carrying packages. He walked closer to the trucks. Piloswine jumped in the air like a Goldeen jumping in the ocean. Jac saw what Piloswine jumped for. There was a small Pokemon in the distance. Jac also saw a young girl standing next to it. She looked about his age. She had long golden hair, big blue eyes. Once the moving truck drove away it revealed a small Spinarak standing next to her. Jac walked up to her.
“Hello, I’m Jac”, he said, “So what’s your name?”
“Ariel”, she said, “I moved from a region far from here…”
“You want to hang?” Jac asked.
“Sure”, said Ariel.

Jac and Ariel walked side by side with Spinarak and Piloswine following behind. Ariel was pretty quiet and Jac thought its was kind of weird. He wondered what was so upsetting to her. The only mystifying thought that came to Jac’s mind was where she was from… … … Jac finally decided to ask.
“Ariel where did you say you were from again?”
“Um, If I tell you this you must promise not to tell any one…” She said.
Jac Listened carefully as the sky grew dark and young Hoothoots ruled the forest.
“I am from Frier”, she explained, “It’s a very small region nothing ever happens there.”
“Oh”, Jac said quietly.

Hoothoots were everywhere. Jac and Ariel headed back. They were walking a pretty long distance. The fall leaves crumbled as they reached the end of the forest. Jac grandmother was out side. He noticed that his mother wasn’t home either. Jac said bye to his new friend, and she walked off with her Spinarak.
“Hey Grandma!” Jac called, “Is mom at work?”
“Yes she is”, his grandmother told him, “and a Skitty was preparing for a show”

Jac walked inside, walked into this living room and turned on the television. He flipped through the channels and waited for the news to appear. … … …The news jingle rang in his ears and he woke up from his comfortable nap. Jac jumped up as this segment caught his attention.
“There was a mysterious event in the Frier Region”, explained the anchorman, “Out of their ancient cave many symbol like Pokemon have awakened. Many civilians have fled due to the disappearances of Pokemon in the region.”
Jac stared at his television in awe.

Jac got his coat and called Pilloswine. He ran past his grandmother, who was just walking in with Chansey. Jac ran with amazing speed. He was like a Doduo running to finish the race. He ran to Ariels house and right when he was about to ring the doorbell, Ariel screamed. Piloswine busted the door open with a Take Down attack. Ariel stood in total shock as a Chickorita was tackling her Spinarak. This Chickorita was in very poor health. Jac could tell that Chickorita has had a hard life. Chickorita immediately turned to Jac and wanted to fight.

Chickorita started out with a Razor Leaf attack. Sharp bladed leafs shot from it and hit Piloswine in its large forehead. Grass attacked inflicted extra damage to ground type Pokemon. Jac was at a disadvantage and he could see Piloswine was very weak. Piloswine was way to weak to pull of a Blizzard attack. It would just have to use Take Down. Ariel called Spinarak and decided to help. Spinarak wrapped Chickorita with a Stringshot and pinned him to the ground with a Poison Sting.
“Here’s your chance Jac!” Ariel called.
“Pilloswine, Take Down”, Jac yelled at the top of his lungs!

Piloswine was wiped out by the reciol damage. Jac recalled it. Chickorita was knocked down. Ariel retrieved her Spinarak.
“You should catch it, Jac” said Ariel.
“Ariel, I’m very curious to know what happened in Frier”, said Jac.

Jac threw his Pokeball at the Chickorita….

Jack of Clovers
02-18-2005, 09:25 PM
for Chikorita, it's too short. i recommend going at least 2 1/2 posts long, considering Chikorita is rare as a Starter Pokemon. as for the story, it's very ineresting. what is going on in Frier?

re-read your story, slowly. there are a few noticeable errors but they don't hurt you.

eh. try to put in more. what kind of clothes did Aerial wear? describe everything you can. put what you see in words so the reader sees the same thing.

short. it's not long enough for Chikorita... again, rarity. good idea having spinirak trap Chikorita. still, the battle needs to be much longer. and where is the battle taking place in the house? kitchen? living room? remember, there's furniture... use the location to create a unique battle.

Jac busts down Aerials door? lol, they just arrived in town and ur busting doors. seems a little odd... wouldn't her parents also hear the screams and be there too?

length=increase. battle=increase. detail=increase. work on those and see how ya do next time.

Outcome- Chikorita Not Captured!