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Onion Knight
10-07-2007, 05:16 PM
Do you know what the hottest sauce in the world is? The preceeding is the full effects.

"It's the little things that put the spice in life." It's the freaking red hot jalapeņo peppers, the Scotch Bonnet chillies,
and insanity sauces that put the spice in life. I've always loved me some hot and spicy food. In fact, I pretty much heat up
everything I eat in one way or another. Tabasco sauce in tomato soup. Raw chillies in a chicken salad. I love it. Suffice to
say, I've built up a hefty tolerance to the hot stuff. What I would consider to be a mild chilli con carne would cripple most
grown men, and my homemade curries could be considered dangerous for consumption. My local curry house knows me so well, that
when my number appears on their caller I.D, they simply pick up the phone and say "yep, chicken Phaal, extra heat and rice.
Be about half hour, Joey." Any time, day or night, just gimme the heat. I've eaten Vindaloo for breakfast on several
occasions, and I use my limited edition Hardman hot sauce to spice up a sandwich. There's nothing that I can't handle. I'm a
Bruce Lee of the culinary kind. Hard as a rock.

Or so I thought.

Friday night saw my brother's 30th birthday, and although I can't stand him and his circle of friends, I thought I better
show my face. After visiting a few of the pubs in town, we decided it was time to get something to eat. The chosen venue was
a new curry house that had just opened, which suited me fine. The restaurant itself was nice. They even had 'beer towers',
which I'd never come across before. For people who don't know, these things are the guy's ultimate dream. They hold 9 pints of
your chosen lager, which is kept cool by the frosted thermos tower walls. Every time you finish your glass, just help yourself
to more out of the tap at the bottom of the tower. Brilliant.

But it wasn't just the choice of drinking vessels that had attracted us to this particular restaurant.

No.

It was me. Me and my big freaking mouth.

"That new curry place has got an offer on. They reckon they do a dish so hot that if one person can eat it all, your whole
group eats for free. C'mon, I'll eat it all. Piece of cake." I was so certain that I even told people not to bother getting
any more cash out of the ATM's, because there's no way we would have to pay. I'm the freaking curry king, me.

They gave me a few dubious looks, but I was supremely confident in my quest. I'd never been beaten yet, and I wasn't about to
start now. We went inside, and after we had settled down with our drinks, the waiter came over to take the order.

"Yeah, I'll have the 'hot' curry you do. I'll finish it, no problem."
"Are you sure?"
"Listen, I know what I'm talking about. Bring it on!"

After taking everyone else's order, he proceeded to the kitchen, where I'm sure I heard the pinheads laughing. Well, I'll show
them.....

When the food arrived, I was the last to be served. I think this may have just been done for effect, as when the guy came
through the kitchen door with my meal, he was holding it away from his body, as if it was a bomb that was about to go off.
What he placed down in front of me was like no other curry I had ever seen before. It was almost black, and the surface was
bubbling away, giving it the impression of a boiling tar pit. I got a whiff of the stuff, and I could almost feel the hairs in
my nose begin to melt. Oh well, no turning back now.

I picked up my fork, and tentatively speared a piece of chicken that was poking up from the depths of the deathly looking
sauce. I suddenly became aware of the faces that had appeared at the little round window that led to the kitchen, reminding of
that scene from Jurassic Park. The 2 guys behind the drinks bar appeared to be having some sort of bet.

I put the chicken in my mouth and began to chew. I was expecting it to be hot. What I wasn't expecting was for my mouth to
explode with intense, agonising heat, that seemed to seep upwards and into my brain in a matter of seconds. I remained calm
and collected on the outside, not wanting to give the game away. On the inside, my tongue felt like it was having contractions
and my gums were bleeding molten lava. After what seemed like eternity, I had sufficiently chewed the offending piece of
meat to consistency that I could swallow. The sauce on the chicken burned my throat, and I could feel it as it slid down my
gullet and headed towards my stomach.

"Mmmm, not bad, not bad at all," I said, reaching swiftly for my pint glass, and trying to casually neck the entire contents
without looking desperate. I piled up another fork load, and shoved it into my mouth, determined to chew and swallow as quick
as possible to avoid the agonising heat that was still trying to melt away my face from the inside. Already I could feel beads
of perspiration popping out across my forehead.

My brain was screaming out to me. This was madness! For Pete's sake, don't carry on!

But personal pride is a jerk. And seeing as nobody even had any money on them, I wasn't about to spend the next 6 months
washing dishes for these Indian halfwits.

I managed another few mouthfuls in quick succession, but by now sweat was streaming down my face, and my calm composure was
completely gone. I was having to down nearly a whole pint of beer between each mouthful just to put the flames out. I got
about half way through, and I was in pain. My lips were stinging, my eyes were streaming, and my throat felt like I had drunk
a gallon of drain cleaner. I pushed the bowl away, and the watching waiter came over to the table.

"So, you cant finish the meal, no? Well, you'll have to pay..... You should be proud though, that was a good attempt. Just not
good enough....."

Right. Screw you. I'm not being beaten by these buttholes.

I grabbed the bowl and pulled it back in front of me. What the heck was I doing?

I pushed on, tackling the dish one mouthful at a time, pausing after each swallow to drink more and more. My tower was
starting to run low already. But by this point, I was on a mission. The pain began to become irrelevant. I picked up speed,
getting a second wind, and started piling 3 or 4 bits of meat into my mouth in one go. I was really going to do it! 5 minutes
later, I was wiping up the last of the sauce with a bit of naan bread, and I held the bowl aloft, like a hunter with a prized
trophy.

"Ha! Screw you guys, all done!"

The waiter came and checked the bowl, and looked at me like I was some sort of maniac.

We left the restaurant, and I got a taxi back home, where I passed out and dreamed some seriously trippy junk.

The following morning I was in no need of an alarm clock. My stomach was churning, and making noises that surely weren't
natural. As I swung my legs out of bed, I doubled up in pain, and squatted down on bent knees. Already I could feel my colon
starting to contract, and as my stomach gave another mystical churn, I wondered if I would make it to the toilet in time. I
crawled naked on my hands and knees along the landing, cursing myself for being such a stupid idiot. I could see the toilet
through the open bathroom door, taunting me like a despotic tyrant would taunt a prisoner who was just about to be executed.

As I reached the door, my stomach let out another gurgle of pre-explosion turmoil, and my passage began to open up against
it's will. It was coming whether I wanted it to or not. I leapt up from the floor, and cleared the remaining distance in the
air, landing on the toilet and hugging the cistern and shaking - I hadn't had the time to turn around.

I had just made it, but I wished I hadn't.

It was like a brown river had just burst a dam, and it's raging torrents were now free to cause havoc and destruction. As the
curry had burnt my mouth the night before, my wretched bodily waste would now rain fire and brimstone on my ravaged rectal
passage. The searing heat radiated through my intestines, and you could have fried an egg on my butt crack. I hugged the
cistern tighter, and prayed for it all to be over, prayed for the pain to stop. Even when my bowels had been fully evacuated,
I couldn't bear to wipe at first. I reached a hand up to the cabinet, and pulled out a handful of cotton wool. Then, leaning
over to the sink, I soaked the cotton with fresh, cold water.

The cool refreshing cotton helped, but it still didn't completely take away the fire that still burning relentlessly away. 45
minutes later, I managed to clean up the remaining mess, but I was to walk like John Wayne for the remainder of the day.

Later that evening, I paid the curry house another visit.

"Seriously, guys - what did you put in that thing? You could run a freaking power plant on that stuff."

The chef went into the kitchen, and came back with a small black bottle. The top on the bottle was actually a golden skull.
It looked like a bottle of poison from a dark fairy tale.

"Blair's 6 a.m. Reserve", he said in a deep grave like voice. "Only a thousand bottles ever made. It's the closest you can get
to pure Capsaicin without it becoming crystalline. Tabasco sauce is about 2000 Scoville units. This stuff registers in at
nearly 16 million Scovilles. I had to sign a disclaimer just to get it. One drop in a gallon of water will produce extreme
heat. We put several drops in your curry alone!"

First, you need to know what Scoville Units are. In short, it is how hot something is. Cayenne is hot, at 90'000. Habenero is
350'000. The hottest pepper in the world, called Guatemalan Insane Peppers because THAT is how hot it is at 2'000'000 tops.
Blair is a company that is famous for it's 750'000 and 2'000'000 sauce. Blair's 16 million reserve (or 6 a.m. Reserve) is yes,
16'000'000 scoville. It is a very weak neurotoxin. It is ILLEGAL in all of Europe, except UK. It's 8 times stronger than
Pepper Spray the MILITARY uses.

"You buttholes! That's attempted murder."

"No, my friend. That's just business. We wouldn't make any money if we had everybody getting free meals."

I resisted the overwhelming urge to punch him in the face, and left the restaurant, and vowed never to return.

Blair's 6 a.m. Reserve - it's a little bit of death in a bottle.

If you try it even though I have warned you not, it's your anus. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Tamer Marco
10-07-2007, 05:23 PM
Totally useless article, and yet, interesting all the same.

Hakken
10-07-2007, 06:23 PM
Holy... WTF?!
I am not putting that stuff in my Ramen. 0_0 And I'd do some pretty weird stuff, trust me...
I mean, I put BOTH Tobasco AND Cayenne pepper in it. A lot.

JentleViolence
10-07-2007, 08:06 PM
Oooh...I would have a gallon of milk besides me before I would try out a sauce that hot. xD

Ranma
10-07-2007, 08:33 PM
I usually dont have Hot Sauce, :P

Finchy
10-07-2007, 08:52 PM
I suck at curries. I'm sure I would have gone into a coma had that stuff touched my lips.

Onion Knight
10-07-2007, 09:09 PM
I suck at curries. I'm sure I would have gone into a coma had that stuff touched my lips.

Curries are easy once you get the hang of it. I have a picture of what happens when you stick your fingers in that Reserve for too long in my signature.

Tamer Marco
10-07-2007, 09:14 PM
Now thats what you just call scaring the children!

Ataro
10-07-2007, 10:35 PM
Do you know what the hottest sauce in the world is? The preceeding is the full effects.



If you try it even though I have warned you not, it's your anus. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Well, I didn't really read your quote, but nice siggy. o.O (The finger one)

Shiny Loser
10-08-2007, 01:26 PM
No way, dude! Wasabi is way hotter. I once read in an "Embararasing Experiences" thing, there was this girl at a Japanese restaurant, and she sees this huge pile of "green ice cream" so she stuffed a lot of it into her mouth and then "her whole mouth was on fire". Hahaha.

And I hate that sig. At first it just looks like a gross picture of fingers with the flesh cut away and going septic, but then I realized it was a lamprey, which made it even worse :x

Hakken
10-08-2007, 07:08 PM
No way, dude! Wasabi is way hotter. I once read in an "Embararasing Experiences" thing, there was this girl at a Japanese restaurant, and she sees this huge pile of "green ice cream" so she stuffed a lot of it into her mouth and then "her whole mouth was on fire". Hahaha.

And I hate that sig. At first it just looks like a gross picture of fingers with the flesh cut away and going septic, but then I realized it was a lamprey, which made it even worse :x
No, this stuff is WAY worse then Wasabi.

And the pic freaks me out. 0_0

Onion Knight
10-08-2007, 07:21 PM
No way, dude! Wasabi is way hotter. I once read in an "Embararasing Experiences" thing, there was this girl at a Japanese restaurant, and she sees this huge pile of "green ice cream" so she stuffed a lot of it into her mouth and then "her whole mouth was on fire". Hahaha.

And I hate that sig. At first it just looks like a gross picture of fingers with the flesh cut away and going septic, but then I realized it was a lamprey, which made it even worse :x

Huh? If Wasabi was hotter, it would be illegal. Plus, Wasabi is mild compared to this stuff. This is 8x hotter than the Insane Peppers. Did you know wasabi is also called Chinese Horseradish?

Lol to the green ice cream thing.

Y2kPikachu12
10-10-2007, 03:16 AM
Since you guys are talking about wasabi i tried a tiny bit of that stuff and i finished my whole glass of pop. I'm not the best at hot stuff. One of my family members was putting pretty big globs of wasabi on his sushi! lol about the green ice cream. I loved your article about what you did.

Treeky111
10-12-2007, 08:04 PM
:p Blah!!!! I had this hot sauce my friends dared me to try... I ended up vommiting after i swallowed it.