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Haze
11-02-2007, 11:17 PM
This is my first story so here goes nothing

"Come on Professor!" cried Brian, a tall, 14 year old boy with shaggy brown hair. "I wanna go explore those runes I found."

"Ok, ok," said the elderly Professor Phillip through a thick white beard "let me just get my stuff." The professor packed up his backpack, putting a lantern, food, water, and a medicine kit for pokemon in it. Brian hopped around the lab, impatient as always. While packing, the professor said "you should pack a backpack too, with the same stuff as me." Brian agreed and packed a red backpack similar to the professor's blue one. Once he was done Phillip said "one last thing before we go."

"What now?" Brian moaned.

"You get to pick a pokemon to bring with you and be your partner." His eyes lit up with glee.

"A pokemon, really!" he shouted.

"Yes" the professor replied "you can choose between Chickorita, a grass type, Cyndiquil, a fire type, or Totadile, a water type."

"I choose Cyndiquil!" yelled Brian at once. He had always loved fire types and had always hoped to get one. He named his new partner Flames for the fire that shot up on its back when it was excited. Now that they were ready, he and the professor put on their backpacks and set out to explore the runes Brian had found the day before. They walked about two miles with nothing more interesting happening than Flames shooting fire out of his mouth to scare a Caterpie and their boots being covered in mud from all of the rain that had been occurring.

Once they had reached the entrance to the runes, Professor Phillip said "I think I'll get out my lantern now, I'm not sure how dark it is in there. They entered the cave and the professor exclaimed "these runes magnificent, it looks like a lost temple." Excited by the news, Brian began looking for a something to tell him what was worshipped there. He found a statue of three feline looking pokemon and called the professor over to him. The professor, being short, had to ask Brian to hold the lantern up to the statue so he could see it. Once he saw what it was, he exclaimed "Oh my goodness! These are the legendary cat pokemon said to have perished in a terrible fire."

"What are their names professor?"

"Raikou, who can unleash powerful lightning attacks, Entei, who has power like a volcano, and Suicune, who is an embodiment of the North Wind. All three are incredibly fast and are rarely seen."

"Wow," said Brian in awe, "Those are awesome." He imagined seeing the three together again in battle. "Where was the fire?" inquired Brian.

"In the Brass Tower in Ecruteak City, it went on for days until a sudden downpour put it out." "The legendary pokemon Lugia, who lived atop the tower, flew away during the fire, never to return." "Ho-oh, who lived atop the Tin Tower, which was near the Brass Tower, flew away also, but returned after awhile," explained the professor.

"That's terrible," said Brain. "What were Ho-oh and Lugia like?"

"Lugia was a giant birdlike pokemon that is said to be the guardian of the sea and creates massive whirlpools when angered. It was a silvery white color with blue plates on its back. Lugia is rumored to live in the Whirl Islands, but a silver wing is needed to awaken it. Ho-oh on the other hand looked very similar to a giant bird could unleash incredibly powerful fire attacks. Its feathers were the color of the rainbow. Ho-oh lives atop the Tin Tower but a rainbow wing is needed to awaken it."


Thinking about what he had just learned, he wandered aimlessly around the temple without seeing where he was going. After coming back to his senses, Brian noticed strange writing on the walls that had escaped his attention before. "Professor, what does that writing say?" he asked.

"I'm not sure" said Professor Phillip. "It looks like it could be the pokemon Unown."

"What do Unown look like professor?" asked Brian.

"They look like letters of the alphabet, a different one for each letter, and even two for question marks and exclamation points," replied Phillip.

"Wow, I would love to catch one of them," said Brian. "I'm gonna go see how big this place is professor, is that ok?"

"That's fine," said the professor without thinking, concentrating hard on the writing.

Brian went exploring for some time. After a couple of hours, he grew hungry and took out some of the food the professor made him pack. While eating the brown and crispy crackers, he released Flames from its poke ball fed some pokemon food to it. Flames was so hungry it literally inhaled the pellets and Brian had to stop it from choking. After Flames on his shoulder, Brian stared at the walls for a few minutes. He then heard a disturbance nearby. Spinning around, he suddenly encountered a wild Unown.

"Awesome, an Unown, and it looks like a B, just like in my name!" he exclaimed. I hope I can catch it, he thought to himself.

"Go! Flames!" The firery, little green mouse-like pokemon jumped off Brian's shoulder and huge flames erupted out of its back. The fire stayed there and Brian realized that the fire must mean it was excited. "Use Ember!" Small, hot, red flames shot out of Flames mouth and hit it directly in its eye with the attack.

Unown was knocked back and began to glow bright blue while a strange power radiated from it. A big light blue ball of pure energy hit Flames right on top of its back while also freezing solid it in ice.

"Was that an attack? How did it freeze Flames just by that strange power?" Brian said shocked. I'm gonna ask the professor about it later, he thought. Pulling out an Ice Heal out of the red backpack that the professor told him to bring, he unfroze Flames.

"Now, Flames, use Quick Attack!" Flames ran at Unown with blinding speed, just a blur to Brian. "Yes! Another direct hit!" he yelled.

Unown began to glow again and used the power for a second time, but luckily it didn't freeze Flames this time.

"Use Smokescreen!" Thick clouds of billowing black smoke shot out of Flames mouth in surrounded the Unown, blinding it.

Unown glowed for a third time tried to attack again but missed completely do to the smoke.

"Use Ember one last time!" said Brian. Again fire shot out of Flames mouth and made contact with Unown. After that hit the Unown looked like it was shaking and about to fall out of the air. "I think it's weak enough to capture." He took out one of the Poke Balls that Professor Phillip had given him and threw it at the Unown. The ball began to shake vigorously, "Come on, come on" said Brian.

Characters without spaces - 5259
with spaces - 6411

Seawolf
11-11-2007, 10:29 PM
As promised, here’s your grade!

Story: After receiving his first Pokemon, Billy and the local professor travel to nearby ruins to find the mysterious Unown. It is just like the start of any Pokemon game, although it had its own unique touches here and there. Although this is your first story, I found this to be a pretty decent one, although it does need some work. Like many beginners, your main weaknesses are grammar issues, details, and the plot itself. Don't have a bird over it, though- even the most experienced writers have problems with those very same things every now and then.

This plot was very basic, which is to say, these stories are all too common in the Pokemon universe. Something like this would be perfect for just the most basic Pokemon (I'd say it would work for the Pokemon listed in the first two difficulty categories we have here), but that's just about it. To say I've graded twenty stories like these would be grossly false; I run across them all the time! Quite simply, you will want to come up with more original, unique plots when you write for the URPG. Try reading an interesting book to get some ideas, or even play some of your favorite games. Always remember that Pokemon is fictional, which means you can get away with just about anything. Let your imagination run wild! If you want to add space aliens to a story, go right on ahead and do so. Nobody is stopping you.

Spelling/Grammar: I will go over some of the “worst” errors of the story for you. Remember that a spell check document like MS Word is your best friend. You could always ask for grammar and spelling help in the Feedback thread, too.

"I wanna go explore those runes I found."
I'm pretty sure you mean 'ruins'. 'Runes' are stones with strange symbols on them. You used that word each time you should have used the other one. :oops:

"Ok, ok," said the elderly Professor Phillip through a thick white beard, "let me just get my stuff."
You always need to close a sentence before starting dialogue like this. A comma works fine here, but a period would also work.

"You get to pick a pokemon to bring with you and be your partner."
Pokemon is always capitalized. That also applies for Pokemon related items (Pokeball, Potion, etc.), species, and so on.

"I think I'll get out my lantern now, I'm not sure how dark it is in there.
You forgot to close the dialogue with another ["]. Make sure to double check your stories for grammatical errors whenever you have finished them.

"these runes magnificent, it looks like a lost temple."
The first part of this doesn't make much sense. If you try reading it to yourself, you will see what I mean. I think it should be "These ruins are magnificent!", or something along those lines.

"In the Brass Tower in Ecruteak City, it went on for days until a sudden downpour put it out." "The legendary pokemon Lugia, who lived atop the tower, flew away during the fire, never to return."
The bolded part is not needed. The professor is still talking, so you do not need to start the new sentence with more quotations.

You can always post in the Feedback thread if you need more help regarding these. Now, there are a few errors I missed intentionally. The next time you post something here, try and see if you can improve them yourself. You can do it.

Length: I believe you have just enough for Unown, since it is in the Simple category. You have the potential to be a good writer, but there are some things you need to brush up on first. To start, I believe you should concentrate on originality. If you have something with an incredible plot, chances are it will pass easily (unless everything else is done sloppily, that is).

At your current level, I think you can tackle anything from the first three categories. Try writing for something from all of them.

Detail/Description: Well, I think that you could also work on this section. You used details to a bare minimum when they are absolutely necessary. Besides the story and battle, I think this is the most important part of any story.

…a tall, 14 year old boy with shaggy brown hair.
This is too vague. How tall is he, exactly? That could mean anything, from being six feet tall to the size of a tree! You also want to list details besides the color of his hair, such as his eyes, skin color, and clothes. This will enable us to see Billy clearly, almost as if he were right before us.

This also applies with your settings. Treat your surroundings as you would a character. Describe the look of the ruins, the trees in the forest, and even the sounds of wild animals nearby.

I don't think you ever specified where Billy and the professor were while they were walking to the ruins, exactly. They could have been in space, for all I know.

Picture in your mind what the scene looks like, and type it out as you see it. Everything.

Battle: I thought ‘green’ was a strange word to use to describe Cyndaquil; I think it’s more navy colored than anything…

The battle was fine, although I had no idea what Unown was using most of the time. Cyndaquil has the clear advantage, and while Unown honestly didn't stand much of a chance here, you should shake things up next time. Make your opponents fight back with a vengeance, or have them try to run away and hide, etc. Pokemon seem intelligent to me; I like to think that they wouldn't let themselves be defeated so easily.

I know Cyndaquil has mostly fire based attacks, but maybe you could make it use other ones as well, like Swift or Quick Attack. Variety is key to writing a fun, exciting battle.

Make sure to take advantage of descriptions here, too. Perhaps Cyndaquil's fire is so hot that it can melt nearby boulders. I'm sure fire has a strange smell that you can tell us about, too. Just think about how attacks would affect other Pokemon and their surroundings.

Outcome: Unown Captured!

Haze
11-11-2007, 11:08 PM
Thanks for grading, I really should have picked up on that rune ruin thing though