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Leman
11-03-2007, 02:42 AM
Fishing


Note: If anyone is wondering, Black Fang and Midnight are a pair of Mighteyenas. :x


Black Fang sniffed the air hopefully, to pick up a sent of the game they were following. Something was in the air. He could smell it. He gave a short low growl and motion for his for his brother, Midnight, to follow. They crept forward silently in the dead of night. There was no sound except for the snapping of twigs for their prey, and soft sound of running water from the nearby stream

Black fang peered through the bush, where he lay still and silent. Through the branches, he saw the large brown, spotted side of the Stantler. It had not noticed it was being stalked, by a pair of merciless predators. It ate contently. A toothy grin spread across Black Fang’s hungry face, as he stepped back to allow Midnight to see.

Midnight stepped back looking determined as Black Fang gave a booming bark, and leapt over the hedge. Midnight raced out from behind the hedge to help. Black fang landed on Stantler’s back. It gave a squeal of terror as it turned and tried to run away from the clearing. The escape was cut off by a snarling Midnight. Stantler squealed again and rose onto its hind legs, kicking wildly as it tried to fend of Midnight. Black Fang had fallen off its back; the places where his claws and mouth had been on the Stantlers back were oozing blood.

Midnight lunged at the Stantler, fangs bared, as Stantler shuffled to the side. Black Fang lashed out with slash to Stantler’s hind quarters. Stantler reared onto its front legs, and aimed a kick at Black Fang. The hoof collided with the side of Black Fangs mouth, and he tumbled back into a rose bush and howled in pain.

Midnight lunged at Stantler’s legs again, snarling. Stantler reared up on its hind legs, squealing. Its hoofs came crashing down on Midnight’s back. He howled and whimper in pain as Stantler rushed of into the brush.

Midnight got up growling furiously, but he did not follow the Stantler. Black fang struggled free of the bush and did not follow either. The Stantler could run much faster than either of them. Black Fang, recognizing defeat, did not make any sounds of fury and trudged out into the bushes. Midnight followed suit.

The two of them slept restlessly that night, on empty stomachs. It was troubled. Black Fang in particular was thrashing around in his sleep. Moonlight threw his face into full view. His eyes were wide open, and he stared out into nothing, unable to sleep do to his hunger. His stomach growled loudly, and he made his decision. He stood up and trudged off into the bushes in search of anything halfway edible.

After about fifteen minutes he stopped, his ears perked up. He thought he heard the faint swish of a stream speeding across the valley. He sped up, leaping and bounding through the bushes. Where there is water, he thought hopefully, there will be food. Hehehehe. He smelled the salty water, and the swishing noise grew louder and louder until finally he burst through the bush, and onto the bank of a small river. Black Fang scanned both edge of the water.

Nothing. Not a single animal was here. Though he truly did not think there would be much at this time of the night, he had hoped there would be something, but obviously he had been wrong.

His stomach growled. Black Fang peered into the water, trying to make out the shape of a fish or crab. He did not see anything. But then he saw something; a flash of red against the cool blue water of the stream. He barked loudly and lunged at it, his fangs bared.

He took two swipes at the water. The first his nothing but water, but he second hit something that felt like tough flesh. The blue water suddenly was mixed in with a red substance. Black Fang plunged his head underwater, snapping his jaws. He hit nothing, though he thought he saw another flash of red.

He leapt at it, and swiped again. Black Fang howled in pain as his paw collided with a rock. He growled annoyedly, and winced as he moved farther upstream.

Soon he lost track of the red thing, but a trail of bloody was streak through the stream. He followed it relentlessly. Eventually, he began to here a steady roar. It did not take him long to find the source of the noise.

The stream ended in a water fall, and so did the little red thing’s journey. He was swimming around in a small circle slowly. He panicked as he saw Black Fang approaching, a sped up a bit. His attempts were futile; it had lost too much blood. Black Fang lunged.

Dinner is served.
~~~~~
Going for Magikarp:
Characters: 4503

Mitsuzo-kun
11-04-2007, 01:06 AM
Story/Plot: The story was different from a lot of Magikarp attempts – most people just write that a boy got a starter and found the fish. I could tell, however, that you put some thought into this, and I did find it quite enjoyable. You’d generally want to avoid the whole Starting Journey idea, unless you’re really confident that you can make it special.

The storyline is one of the most important aspects of a story. Make it too dull, and people won’t want to read it. I did like the Stantler issue, and the battle there. I’m glad that you took the time over a Karp, and it made a change from boring-ness. Good job.

Grammar: I didn’t find too many mistakes, so you generally know what you’re doing. I found a few typos, but that’s nothing a little proof read won’t fix.

Detail: I liked the way you worded things, and you did include some detail. It’s perfectly good for a Karp, but if you want to become a better writer, description is the way to go. I could see you describing the scenery more, maybe what everything felt like and sounded like to Midnight and Black Fang.

You didn’t really tell me what the Mightyena looked like very well, besides their fangs and claws when they attacked the Stantler. If the reader hasn’t seen a Stantler of Mightyena before, how can they relate to what’s going on? If the reader can picture the scene inside their head, then that’ll take your story and writing to a whole new level.

Length: A wise little Umbreon once told me that Quality beats Quantity 100 times over. What you had was fine, so no need to dwell on this.

Battle: To be honest, there wasn’t really one, was there? I mean, there was the clawing at the Stantler, which was cool, and then swiping the water to get Karp, but that’s about it. Still, at least you had a form of battling in there.

If you did have a battle against the Karp, it wouldn’t need to be much, but you should really be aiming for the best you can. Even if that means Black Fang drowning for a twist! We’d want two sided, detailed attacks, and interesting use of combos and abilities. Got it? =]

Outcome: Well, it was quite original and different from other Karp stories, but it lacked a battle. Still, all things considered, I think I’m allowed to say Magikarp Captured!

I really liked the story, but by URPG rules, you need a battle. I’m counting the swipes, troubles, and Stantler as that, so be sure to include one next time!

D:

Another short grade! Eurgh. I'm sorry about that, but congrats for the capture.

Leman
11-04-2007, 02:29 PM
Weeee. Yay Tyvm.