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Dark Lightning
11-03-2007, 06:21 PM
To capture some worms

~Chapter One~

“Piplup, let’s try a Bubblebeam attack!”

The young Pokémon Trainer, Lucinda Hawks, was preparing her beloved starter Pokémon, Piplup, for a gym battle against the somewhat tough Gym Leader Roark in the Eterna Forest. She was a rookie from the city of Eterna, and used to lived with her grandfather, Morrison. Lucy was given Piplup from her grandfather just before he died of a serious illness.

One month ago…

“Lucy, you should go for it. Become a Pokémon Trainer and defeat the Elite Four, thus earning your place as the Sinnoh champion. Take Piplup with you…”

“I can’t…I don’t want to! I want to stay with you, Granpop!”

“I know you do. But we’re suffering…me and your mother…we need more money. You should earn money as a Trainer. But we don’t want you to begin a journey just to get money – we want you to do your best and become the champion, as we know you will...”

Present day, Eterna City

The aqua penguin Pokémon released a fantastic beam of bright bubbles from its mouth, colliding into a tree with great impact. The tree stumbled backwards and crashed onto the ground at an ear-splitting volume, shaking off loose leaves like a child desperately trying to shake off a wasp that had landed on their arm as it did so. Taillow nests were shaken off also, and the mothers and their babies had no choice but to fly away from the danger. Lucy gasped in horror at what she had done, and pretended she had done nothing. She whistled innocently and walked away from the tree with Piplup in tow.

***

Lucinda and Piplup had come across a lake. It was a large, transparent lake which reflected the immense sunlight that was shining onto it. Lucy caught sight of a Psyduck that turned and twisted for a reason of no purpose. It suddenly fell into the lake head-first. The Pokémon Trainer cried out a command of Piplup jumping into the water and saving it. Psyduck can’t swim, even though they’re a water type – which was probably the most embarrassing fact about their species. Without hesitation, Piplup had swum up to the Psyduck and grabbed it. Suddenly, a roaring noise could be heard. The Pokémon were nearing a waterfall.

“Get out of there, Piplup, come on, come on!” Lucy cried from the bank. The penguin sharply turned right and grasped the Trainer’s hand as its legs hovered above the waterfall. It held tightly onto the Psyduck, which was slipping out of its grasp. It started to cry as the penguin let go and as it cascaded to the bottom of the waterfall. As soon as it was out of sight, Lucy hulled Piplup onto the bank and sighed in relief that her Piplup was in good shape.

“Ah, well, at least you’re safe. I feel sorry for that Psyduck though…I wonder if it’s okay.”

Piplup took no notice and stared at the ground. He had done such a severe mistake – he had released Psyduck and caused it to fall down a waterfall. It and its Trainer felt guilty about the bad things they had done, which included at least one Pokémon meeting its death. They decided to pray for the Pokémon they had sent to the afterlife in the Lost Tower, which was south of Solaceon Town. It took them a while to get there, for they had to travel through Mount Coronet to reach the other side. It was worth it, however – for they were welcomed by an elder woman who waited at the entrance to the tower.

After they had finished forgiving the murdered Pokémon, they sighed and exited the tower. Today was certainly not their day.

***

The sun finished casting its shining spells for the day as it disappeared into the bright orange sky. When it reached nine ‘o clock, the moon replaced it with moonlight. Lucy had brought an apple for herself with seventy Poké scents and a little Poké snack for her Piplup. As soon as she had finished it, she strode across to the bin where she accidentally stepped on a Caterpie. It cried out in pain, and it wasn’t until it had stopped when the Trainer had discovered what she had done.

“Oh my, I’m terribly sorry! I didn’t see you!” Lucy apologized. But it was obvious the Pokémon hadn’t forgiven her, for it had sprayed and trapped her with silk.

“Please, Piplup, please help me!”

As soon as her Pokémon had discovered she was in a terrible situation, Piplup sprung into action and released a giant blast of fresh fluid. It hit the worm with great impact, sending it flying onto Lucy’s stomach. She screamed as the penguin was slowed by a bright thread of String Shot from the Caterpie. Taking no notice, Piplup jumped onto the opponent and pecked it with all its might. The worm shivered and flicked the penguin off. It rammed into Piplup with its head, causing a lot of damage.

Piplup was down for the count. It twitched a little after closing its eyes shut. At this point, a young male Trainer had spotted Lucy in her difficult situation, ran over and released a Koffing from his Pokéball sphere. Caterpie growled but was sent flying backwards by the Koffing’s vicious tackle attack. As the worm struggled to get up, the boy ran over to Lucy and freed her from the silk.

“Are you okay?” he said.

“Yes, thank you so much for saving me!” Lucy replied. Suddenly, the Caterpie had got up and unleashed a thread of silk at the girl again. Instead, the boy cried out, “No!” and was wrapped in the shiny, white, thick silk of the opponent instead of the young girl. Lucy gasped and gave an angry look at the Caterpie.

“Use Explosion on that worm, Koffing!”

The reason for this dangerous move was because the Caterpie had gotten on her nerves to the point where she'd have to do something terrible to it. The poison-type Pokémon obeyed, took in a deep breath, and exploded. Lucy shielded herself with her arms. The Caterpie was found knocked out on the floor, for it could not possibly withstand such a terrifying move. Lucy crossed her fingers tightly and threw a spare Pokéball she had at the worm, sealing it inside. The ball shook frantically…

EmBreon
11-19-2007, 09:08 PM
Sorry for the wait.

Story/Plot: For a Caterpie, this plot was done very well. It moved a little fast, but considering this mon sits comfortably in the Easiest category, I don't have much to complain about. I liked the careless personality you gave to Lucy, and it seemed almost unrealistic at times, but something about her made this story fun, so props to you.

One thing I could, and should, have seen was some kind of introduction. These are very important to have because they set the tone and lure the reader in. This doesn't mean writing a few boring sentences to explain the setting, it means finding a unique way to bring it in.

In the future though, I really suggest slowing down between scenes. From the training scene to the Psyduck scene, from the Psyduck scene to the Lost Tower scene, and from the Lost Tower Scene to the Caterpie scene; all of these are very important plot points, and showing barely one sentence between each will give your reader a reason to get lost in your story. Especially the sentence explaining your journey through the mountain. That would be a long and time consuming journey, yet you breezed through it in about three seconds of reading. Just something to keep an eye out for.

Grammar/Spelling: Very nice. I really don't need to be thorough here, just remember to capitalize all of your attacks and names. Oh, and I think you meant to say 'cents' instead of 'scents' when you were referring to money.

Detail/Description: Pretty good here also. I think your descriptions were near perfect for an Easiest. You described the important things, yet left the unimportant out. While, in a longer story you'd really want to describe everything as much as necessary, in short stories, all of that extra detail might not work out so well and distract the reader from the actual storyline.

One thing I can say to you, which is what I say to the majority of writers, is to bring in a bit more of your surroundings. Yes, it is important that focus remain on your main characters, however, you can still achieve that and describe a bit of the scenery as well.

Length: Yep

Battle: This was actually interesting to me the way you've done this. Most would just figure "hey, it's just a Caterpie" and then have their Charmander KO it with Flamethrower. You, on the other hand, created a souped up Caterpie that killed your Piplup and forced a Koffing to use Explosion. This was pretty fun to read, and I liked that you gave the useless worm a bit of ope in your story. I would advise you to make sure to make your future battles a bit more two sided and perhaps slightly more plausible. If you're having trouble figuring out how to do this, just use a Pokemon that would give a tough, equal battle to the Poke you're aiming to catch. E.g. Caterpie vs. Weedle. Simple, yet effective.

As far as the actual attacks go, I had some trouble seeing them. You also never named them at all for the penguin, so I wasn't sure what attacks he had used exactly. Sometimes it can work without them as long as they are incredibly well described but simply saying "Piplup sprung into action and released a giant blast of fresh fluid." could be a number of different Water attacks.

Outcome: Really great Easiest story. Caterpie captured! I'm interested to see what you do with this story, as the title implies you'll be going for more. ;P

Dark Lightning
11-20-2007, 02:59 PM
Woah, thanks Emma, caught me by surprise there!
Thank you for grading. And yes, I am currently writing chapter 2, so it will continue.