PDA

View Full Version : Trying for a Catch-Starly


Shinx22
11-15-2007, 04:22 PM
Completed!!
To Capture: Starly
Needed:5k-10k
Achieved:
Characters(no spaces)-6908
Characters(with spaces)-8440


Trying for a catch-Starly

It was the second day in the forest and as far as the young girl could see there were trees. She couldn't even see the sky through the many branches overhead.
The young trainer's name was Haruko, Haruko's hair color was a light, sky blue and her eyes were colored like the midnight sky, she was small for her age and was wearing a pink sleeveless summer dress with a white sleeveless hoodie over it. Haruko had just started her journey a week ago, traveling from Twinleaf Town to the first city she could find which had Pokemon Contests. Haruko was hoping that she would be able to find more pokemon along the way, but since the start she had only encountered one other Pokemon, a Pachirisu, but her own Pokemon, which was also her only Pokemon, a female Shinx, had been unable to beat the stronger electric Pokemon and so she had failed to catch the first Pokemon she encountered. Haruko's Shinx was just like any other female Shinx, the tuff of fur on its head was shorter than the males, and it had large round ear, its eyes were yellow, the same of which color were the insides of its ears, the front part of it's body was blue, the back part of its body was black, while the tip of its tail was in the shape of a four pointed star and was yellow. The rest of the tail was black. The female Shinx was also wearing a pale yellow scarf.
Now back to the story, Haruko was trying to find her way back through the forest, in which she had helplessly gotten lost in, but everywhere she went she seemed to find herself back in the same place. Haruko gave a sigh, stopping once more to look around and see if she could find someplace that seemed familiar from the day before, of course, now everywhere seemed familiar. Haruko’s Shinx stared up at her owner with a worried look in her eyes, she wished she could’ve been a flying Pokemon because then she would have been able to help her trainer. Then when Shinx felt that she couldn’t do anything else for Haruko her sensitive ears picked up a very quiet, far-away voice of another Pokemon. —ly, —arly, Starly.
[Shin, Shinx!] Shinx said excitedly. Haruko seemed to understand what her Shinx was saying as she gave a excited squeal of delight and grabbed her Shinx in both hands before rushing off farther into the forest following the sound of the new Pokemon. —Starly, Star, Starly. The sound was getting louder and louder and now even Haruko could make out each sound the Pokemon made. It seemed that there was more than one of them, but Haruko was promising herself that this time she would catch a Pokemon, no matter how difficult it was. Suddenly, Haruko could see a light that illuminated an exit from the woods. So, not only did the Starly give Haruko a chance to catch another Pokemon, but it also helped her and her Shinx exit the dense woods. Shinx leapt from Haruko's arms as they neared the meadow, being the first one to escape from the darkness of the trees. Speeding up her steps to follow the yellow and blue Pokemon, Haruko rushed out from beneath the trees and into the meadow, the hot rays of the sun temporarily blinded Haruko and she shielded her eyes, it was only a moment before she opened them again and could see fine by squinting. Haruko could now see the outline of a flock of many Pokemon, all just on the ground gathering berries from the few trees that were scattered around the clearing. Haruko could easily see the city over the green hills, but she wasn’t thinking about that now, she was planning on catching one of these black and white Pokemon. By now Haruko's eyes had adjusted to the sunlight and see could see everything clearly. This was Haruko’s first actual encounter with a Starly so she took her pink Pokedex out of her pocket and opened it. Starly, the flying Pokemon. They flock in great numbers. Though small, they flap their wings with great power.
[Awesome!] Haruko exclaimed as she closed the Pokedex and put it back into her pocket. She knew that electric types were very strong against flying Pokemon. Knowing this, Haruko called her Shinx to her side she gave it it’s first command, [Shinx, use Thunderbolt into the center of the field.] The center of the field was where most of the Starly were so Haruko believed that even if the Starly scattered she'd be able to hit at least one. The Shinx immediately obeyed its trainer and sent out an electrifying shock that filled the meadow with an even brighter light then that which was given by the sunlight. Starly scattered everywhere, flapping their wings and screeching in surprise, the whole flock started taking to the skies, but one of them had been caught off-guard by the blast and had had its right wing shocked by the blast, thus delaying its flight. This was going to be Haruko’s target. The Starly got to it’s feet angered and face Shinx, fury could easily be seen in its large black eyes. The Starly’s peak started to glow as it made the first move, charging at Shinx. Haruko wasn’t expecting the Starly to attack so quickly, and was caught with her guard down, she didn't have time to tell her Shinx to dodge before it was hit head-on by the powerful attack, flipping backwards several times. [Shinx!] Haruko called out in fear, but the electric Pokemon hadn’t been affected to badly by the peck and hopped back onto her feet, now more energized then before.
[Alright!] Haruko exclaimed, glad that her Shinx hadn’t been harmed too much by the sudden attack. [Now, use Spark.]
Shinx leapt forward and its cheeks sparked as it used the move. The Starly seemed to have realized what was going to happen as it flew up into the sky. The spark attack missed with the simple dodge and slammed into a nearby berry tree. The Starly had now started heading downwards towards Shinx, it was moving with such immense speed that Haruko didn’t see it coming until it once more hit Shinx. Haruko gasped in surprise as the small electric Pokemon was thrown to the ground. Haruko barely had enough time to think, she had to turn the battle in her favor to try and catch this Starly. Shinx seemed to be injured just a bit by the quick attack but still managed to stand, waiting for the next command from her trainer. Haruko didn’t have any idea what to do, but then, she finally thought of something that could turn the battle to her favor. The flying Pokemon had took back to the skies while Haruko was thinking and was now coming back down with a peck, Haruko thought fast giving her Pokemon its next command, [Now, Shinx, dodge it and use bite.]
Shinx spook its name in reply as it dodge out of the way, just as the Starly was about to strike, then spinning on her hind legs, Shinx jumped at Starly’s exposed stomach, clamping down hard with her sharp teeth. The Starly screeched in pain and surprise as it crashed into the ground. Shinx lost its grip as the Starly crashed into the ground and fell back, taking a clump of feather in her jaws. Haruko was for sure that the Starly would have fainted after crashing into the ground, but the black flying Pokemon managed to keep itself together and leapt back into the sky, but even Haruko could see that the Starly had been badly injured by the crash. When Haruko looked up to see what Starly was planning now, she saw that its wings were being flapped fiercely, the Starly seemed to be attempting a escape, but Haruko wasn't about to let this weakened Pokemon escape from her grasp after she had come so close to catching it.
[Don't let it get away!] The young trainer called out to her own Pokemon, [Let's try Spark one more time!] Once again Shinx's cheeks let out sparks of electricity as it let out a weak, but effective attack at the Starly. The Starly was hit from behind and feathers scattered the ground as it became off-balanced, gravity then took it's toll and the Starly crashed back down to earth, landing in the scattered pile of feathers. It lay there for a second and Haruko quickly realized that the Starly was unconscious. Haruko didn't waste any time at all as she grabbed the red and white capsule from her belt and threw it at the Starly, sailing through the air the pokeball hit the Starly on it's side and the Pokemon was engulfed by a white light before being contained in the ball. As the capsule shook violently both Haruko and her small electric Pokemon waited to see what the results would be. If the catch was successful, the young girl would finally have her second Pokemon. The ball shook once, twice, three times. What would the results be?

Completed
My very first complete pokemon story ever. Hope it's good.

theEND
11-21-2007, 01:01 AM
Story/Plot: A fairly simple plotted story involving Haruko, a brand spanking new Trainer that is paired up with her partner, a female Shinx. At the start of the story, it is evident that Haruko and Shinx are lost in the forest, practically running around in circles. Haruko reminisces of her failed attempt to capture a Pachirisu, hoping it would be her first Pokemon. The duo then listen carefully to voices emitted by several packs of Pokemon, and with the help of a Starly, the two find their way out of the forest, and find themselves staring at the entrance to a city.

Haruko, however, gives chase with her ambitions, attempting to capture a Starly out of the humongous flock. Luckily for her, a single Starly is injured in the process, giving Haruko a chance to redeem herself.

A simple, cliche story. >.< Well, don't worry about that. I practically say all stories are cliche. =/ But I understand this is a Starly story, so we need something that can go along the lines of one. x3 Good job here.

A

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling: For this section of the grade, you had an overall above-average rating. :D With a few mistakes, such as capitalization and spelling, I wouldn't overall bias your grade upon these mishaps. However, since this is your first story, I might as well suggest some tips for you. :3

took it's toll and

to

took its toll and
A common mistake made by many. :D Watch out for those.

quick attack

to

Quick Attack
Capitalization errors. :3 While it may have been once, it should be taken into regards that names, titles, magazines, important stuff should be capitalized. Quick Attack is the name of an attack, so it and all other attacks should be capitalized on a normal basis. There're also some grammar problems, such with "were" and "was", but you'll eventually notice it when you're proof-reading your story.

There're also some things I want to comment on Organization and Dialogue, as well, but I'll mention that near the end of the grade.

B

Detail: Let's see. I'd have to say that the overall detail in this story is good, since you describe some things every now and then. The choice of vocabulary, however, sounds all too "first person perspective", as it may be. Sounds like what you would use in an everyday conversation, if it were not for the narrative choice of "third person perspective" you made.

Since the story is cited in third person, there's nothing we Graders like more than a narrator with style and vocabulary. There're figures of speech and every-day phrases every now and then, but maybe a change of tone to set a mood for readers?

Overall in this part, you give us a good example of what's going on in the situation, but some vocabulary and style would give you an edge.

The letter between a B and a C. o_O

Length: Moi?

A

Battle: A moderate battle, I'd say. :O However, the only complaint I may have is yet about a certain realism missing from the battle. How should I say it? The battle was okay, for the most part, but ultimately, it would've seemed too game-ish if it weren't for the description. The one part that made me twitch was how Shinx didn't dodge the Starly's tackling on its own accord. Rather than just wait for its Trainer, it'd best to just throw itself out of the way, out of common sense. Shinx couldn't be all that experienced, either, since the team is new and all. =/

B-

Outcome: Starly captured! A pretty good story for your first one. :) Not much to complain about, but I have something you might want to note on for future cases of writing. It doesn't really count into your grade, but it does help a lot when it comes to neatness, organization, and whatnot.

Organization
- One of the slight problems that made it hard for me to read was the organization and structuring of the paragraph. Lucky for me, the story wasn't a jumbled up piece of text, or a gigantic paragraph of, what, 5k to 15k characters? However, I sort of lost my place every now and then while reading, which could be a problem for future graders, readers, and so on. I suggest a simple, few [Enter] spaces between paragraphs to make it neater and easier to read, as well as smaller, but not all that small, paragraphs.

Don't get me wrong, this isn't just for the audience's benefit. I noticed back when reading that a small mistake resulted in a sentence that made hardly any sense near the end.

Haruko had just started her journey a week ago, traveling from Twinleaf Town to the first city she could find which had Pokemon Contests.

Sometimes large paragraphs can cut off your writing. =/ Happens to the most of us.

Dialogue
- I've noticed that you've taken upon yourself a unique style of dialogue. However, I have to say, it would be somewhat troublesome if your story were to include other forces such as humans and whatnot. Dialogue with quotations (") is most commonly used.

Shinx22
11-21-2007, 01:15 AM
Yay ^^ I'm glad I managed to catch the Starly.
And yeah, I've taken on that way of putting my text in bold from a friend of mine. It's something I got use too after so many years of Roleplaying, but I'll remember to do quotations next time. Also, thanks for the long informative grade, I was hoping that'd I'd get one so I could improve my next story.