PDA

View Full Version : A Dog and a Worm


Shiny Zangoose
11-16-2007, 11:05 PM
Title: A Dog and a Worm
Characters with spaces: 3,509
Characters without spaces: 4,318
Target Pokemon Wurmple!
Note: First story. Enjoy!

~~~~~~

I yawned my Growlithe yawn. I was walking along in the forest along with my owner, Katie. Katie’s a new trainer. She’s out to catch her first non-starter pokemon, and her sights are set on a Wurmple. But, seriously, who wants a Wurmple? They’re too weak.

Many, many pokemon pass us. I even noticed a Beedrill. I pointed in the direction of the Beedrill with my black-striped paw.

“No, Fire Scout. Beedrill aren’t what we’re looking for. I’m searching for a Wurmple, or maybe a Cascoon…No Beedrill. Too difficult…” She said to me. Suddenly, the bushes rustled. I dashed inside the bush, determined to see if it was what she was looking for – but it was too dark to see whatever was in there. So I barked, and whatever was hiding in there ran off.

As I got out, I saw a Spinarak scuttling off. That must have been the thing in the bushes. I went back into position beside Katie, on the lookout for a Wurmple or a Cascoon. Scan the area. Nothing. Scan it again. Nothing. And again. Nothing – no, something! A red something! A remarkably squishy something! A Wurmple! I dash off in pursuit of the Wurmple, and Katie, knowing I’m on to something, runs after me. Finally, I cornered the Wurmple. Katie had just enough time to glance at it before it zoomed between her legs. “Dang that Wurmple!” She said. “After it!”

I ran after the Wurmple, barking. Katie followed, shouting. That Wurmple has some nerve to try to escape from me!

But he escaped from us. The stupid Wurmple escaped from us. However, I did battle a Beautifly. It was a close match, but I managed to win. Because a Beautifly is a powerful Pokemon around these part, I leveled up from five all the way up to seven, when I learned Ember. It would be useful in this forest.


After running for a while, Katie got tired. I didn’t. I memorized her position, and ran off to find the Wurmple that was right in front of my jaws. Soon, I found it hiding in a tree. I barked at the tree, and the Wurmple was on the move in record time. As I chased it into a deeper part of the forest, I realized I wasn’t alone. A swarm of Dustox were looking straight at me. I howled loudly enough so Katie could hear.

She came running. After seeing what a mess I got into, she got ready for battle. Her deep blue eyes hardened, and she went into a pose she only makes when she wants to fight. “Fire Scout! Ember, Now! Rotate!” When I heard the word ‘rotate’ I knew what to do. I blew out a Quick Ember at a Dustox. Then I turned to another one, and Embered that too. I kept doing this until all the Dustox were ancient history.

Thanks to my win with the Dustox, I shot up Anoher level, making me a level 8 pokemon. So that meant when we finally find the stupid Wurmple I’ll be more than a challenge for it. I’m more of a challenge for it anyway, since I have a type advantage. But who cares? After all, experience is experience.

I resumed running. But then I stopped. I felt weak and dizzy and helpless. I hate feeling weak, dizzy, and helpless. Katie, who knew what was going on, hunched over me and gave me some Fresh Water. I instantly felt better. She put the half-filled water bottle back into her gigantic purse and we carried on.

Finally, we cornered the little bugger in a concealed clearing with a rock wall surrounding almost all of it. Katie commanded me to use a Tackle attack, knowing that using Ember would probably KO the thing. After that knocked him to about the yellow zone, She told me to give the Wurmple a good push. So I did…

It was barely holding on to it’s waking moments. Another attack and it would be out cold. Good capture conditions. Great capture conditions. No, scratch that – perfect catching conditions.

Katie chucked the Pokeball at the startled Wurmple. It was paralyzed with fear, and couldn’t knock away the Pokeball. Not like it could anyway. As it soared through the air, it began to glow an open. By the time it got to the scared Wurmple, The red color on the top of the ball faded, leaving it a glowing white ball in the air. You would have thought it was a Pichu using Volt Tackle, it was so bright. Finally, after what seemed like a year, the bright white ball hit the Wurmple square on the head. As the frightened Wurmple’s eyes widened, It was consumed by the mysterious red energy within the Pokeball. Shake…shake…shake…and…

Draconic_Espeon
11-25-2007, 02:05 AM
Sorry about your wait, here's your grade.

Story/Plot: It’s a simple ‘find and catch’ capture, but that’s just fine for an Easy ‘mon like Wurmple. Plus, you took it a step further- you told the story from the point of view of the trainer’s Pokemon, rather than the trainer themself. It’s always great to see new writers really think about their first story, and use a good plot. Just keep in mind that when going after harder Pokemon, you need a more in-depth plot, but for Easy or even Simple Pokemon, ‘find and catch’, especially one with a twist like this, would be okay. Even so, more interesting and varied plots are still the best way to go.

Introduction: Your beginning here is rather dull and boring. It’s important to use an exciting or interesting first sentence that draws in your readers and makes them want to read more. A Growlithe yawning isn’t a great beginning. Also, you need to describe the characters more--what they look like as well as a little about their past. Where did they come from? How did they meet? Setting is important as well. Yes, it’s a forest, but what did the forest look like? Were flowers everywhere? Was it dark and scary? Be sure to create a vivid picture of everything with words, so your readers see what you see.

Grammar: Really, it’s better than some first stories I’ve read.

She’s out to catch her first non-starter pokemon, and her sights are set on a Wurmple.

The word ‘Pokemon’, as well as all the names of Pokemon, moves, and items, are capitalized.

Many, many pokemon pass us. I even noticed a Beedrill. I pointed in the direction of the Beedrill with my black-striped paw.

You move back and forth between present and past tense. Even just in these few sentences, you shift back and forth. As a rule of thumb, it’s best to use past tense, so in this part, you need to change ‘pass’ to ‘passed’. Watch this as you write, and, if you feel you need to, ask a parent, friend, or teacher to read over it and help you correct it as best you can. It’ll take practice, but you’ll get it.

It was barely holding on to it’s waking moments.

‘Its’ can be a difficult word to use. When using it possessively, you don’t need an apostrophe. If you use it as a contraction of ‘it is’, you use the apostrophe. Here, you would go without the apostrophe.

Description: You don’t have much in the way of description. When writing, you need to describe everything in detail, so that it is easier for the reader to visualize, and makes the story more fun to read. It’s best to even describe the Pokemon, despite the fact that most readers will know what they all look like. That way, you can get in the habit of describing everything thoroughly.

Battle: It’s really kind of short, and very one-sided. Give the Wurmple more of a chance to fight back. Yeah, a Wurmple doesn’t have much of a chance, but it should get in at least one attack. You also need to go into more detail with the attacks. Yes, Fire Scout used Ember, but what did it look like? Was there fire everywhere, or was it a short, controlled stream? Also, the battles in these stories are more modeled off of the anime than the games. This means that you don’t need to talk about HP, levels, or experience gained from a battle. For a better idea of what we look for in battles, try reading the battle in another story, or checkout the How to Write Stories (http://www.pokemonelite2000.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8445) Thread.

Outcome: It was close, but, because it was your first story and you did a fairly good job, Wurmple captured! In the future, though, don’t forget to add a lot more description and make the battle less one sided, regardless of what Pokemon it is.

Enjoy your red worm. ^^

Shiny Zangoose
11-26-2007, 08:14 PM
Click! The ball stopped moving. I grinned proudly. Katie gasped and pumped her fist into the air. She picked me up and twirled me around, held comfortably in her arms. After a little happy dance, Katie picked up her ball. "Great job, Fire Scout." She grinned at me. Then she put the Pokeball on the ground and said, "I hereby dub thee...uh...Squishy Demon! Yeah! That works." Sh nodded and put the Pokeball back in her pocket. We triumphantly walked out of the forest.