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View Full Version : Savior and battler- Buizel


redtyranitar
11-26-2007, 09:48 PM
A young boy sat on the sidewalk outside his house. He had long shaggy brown hair that mostly covered his eyes. He was pretty tall, he wore a blue shirt with black stripes designed to look like claws had ripped out that part of it. He had baggy pants around his waist that went a little past his knees. Next to him was his trusted friend, Riolu.
“Hey Ryan, Riolu were going to the lake you wanna come?” his friend Jerry came riding a up on his bike with his Pokemon, Wingull flying close behind.
“Sure” Ryan said, “Just let me get my bike”, he ran into his garage and after a few minutes he came out on a mach bike, “Lets go” he said. He started pedaling down the driveway. “Riolu hop on” he said and the little blue coyote Pokemon jumped up and grabbed Ryan’s shirt right as he went bye. “Race ya!!” he called to jerry and he was off.
“Let’s go Wingull” Jerry cried and was after Ryan. “I’m catching up” Jerry called to Ryan.
“Oh no you aren’t” Ryan called back and started pedaling as fast as he could, not paying attention to what was up ahead.
“Ryan look out!” jerry called as he skidded to a stop so fast he fell of the bike right into a giant puddle. mud clotted his red tee and his pants now soaking wet and where sinking a little more than usual. Ryan looked forward just in time to see himself tfly off the edge of a rock jutting out of the side of a hill that led down to the lake. 14 feet below him was deep blue water. he slammed on the brakes so hard Riolu was sent flying out in the middle of the lake and his bike skidded off the rock and fell off the edge right before Ryan grabbed on to the slab and pulled himself up letting the bike fall the forteen foot drop and being swallowed by the dark water.
“Riolu!” he called and looked out into the foreboding water at the center of the lake he collapsed down to his knees “I’m sorry Riolu” he started weeping
“Ryan are you all right” Jerry asked as he arrived with Wingull
“I’m sorry Riolu” Ryan’s heart ached.
“What happened?” Jerry asked “Riolu fell in” Ryan said between sobs. "He can't swim."
“I’m sorry Ryan” Jerry sat down next to him and looked out at the lake “Wait, something’s moving” Jerry shouted and stood up Ryan took his head out of his hand and looked out at lake a small orange head appeared at the center of the lake and was moving toward the shore hanging limply form it’s hands was a fainted Riolu.
“Let’s go” Ryan called and ran down the rock and to the shore just as the orange weasel and the blue coyote reached land “Riolu” Ryan cried and ran over to the Pokemon. He put his head on Riolu’s chest and for a second he thought hope was lost, until he picked up a quite and far paced heart beat. “He’s alive” Ryan called and started pushing his had on Riolu’s chest making him cough up spurts of water
“Ri” the Pokemon’s weak voice came and then he fainted.
“Quick I need a revive” Ryan called and Jerry came up with a small yellow diamond. “Here, have this” Ryan said softly and opened Riolu’s mouth placing the diamond on Riolu’s tongue. It’s quickly dissolved and Riolu started moving. He stood up slowly and looked at the orange Pokemon still sitting on the beach.
“Thank you, Buizel” Ryan said.
“bui, Buizel” the Buizel said cheerfully and nuzzled against Ryan’s hand
“I’m going to take Riolu to the Pokecenter.” Ryan said and stood up carefully cradling the blue Pokemon in his arms. He started walking with Jerry to the Pokecenter, but to their surprise Buizel followed.
“Buizel, it’s okay we can take it from here” Ryan said and continued walking. Buizel still followed.
“I think he wants you to catch him” Jerry whispered.
“Buizel” the Pokemon chanted happily nodding his head
“Okay.” Ryan said “Pokeball, go!” he threw the small red and white orb at the Pokemon but the orange weasel knocked it back at him with one of it’s tails.
“Bui!” it shouted and punched the air.
“Oh, I get it” Ryan said “But Riolu isn’t ready to battle and-
“I’m such an idiot” Jerry said smacking his head, he reached into his pack and pulled out a small tube it read “SUPER POTION” down the side. “Here have this, Riolu” He said and sprayed it on the Pokemon, it’s bruises disappeared and he jumped out of Ryan’s arms facing Buizel.
“Bui!” the orange Pokemon shouted and launched at Riolu at high speed, water was forming around him. He hit Riolu square in the chest knocking him down to the ground
“Use Force palm!” Ryan ordered and Riolu jumped off the ground a strange aurora appeared around his hand he punched forward and the aurora left heading at Buizel, the weasel tried to dodge but it was too late the energy hit him in the gut making him collapse to the ground.
“Bui!” he said spinning around, he clanged his tails together sending sonic waves at Riolu. “Use counter.” Ryan demanded and right as the waves were about to hit a blue glow appeared around Riol. He had his hands out and his eyes were closed. When the last of the attack had passed Riolu snapped open his eyes an punched the ground. The ground was torn apart as the sound waves shot at buizel knocking him backwards.
“Bui, Buizel” he panted.
“Ri-Riolu” the blue coyote was in fighting stance but his breathing was heavy. All of a sudden both Pokemon flew at each other Buizel was surrounded in water and they were both moving at sonic speeds there was a red flash and Riolu had a barrier of water in front of him too.
“copy cat” Ryan whispered as the Pokemon hit head on there was an explosion when they collided. when the smoke cleared Buizel was standing but was barley managing it. Riolu’s arm was swollen and his eyes were stinging from water. his arms hung nimbly
“Go pokeball” Ryan shouted and threw a pokeball at Buizel right as it fell to the ground it was enveloped in a red glow and sucked into the pokeball
The ball wiggled from side to side beeping and glowing than, finally it----------

Elrond
12-02-2007, 06:51 PM
Introduction:

The introduction to this story was not particularly enticing, but definitely showed evidence of some of the qualities that we graders look for. It included a fairly well-done description of the main character, and, at least lent itself to a smooth transition into the ‘meat’ of the story. However, what you unfortunately failed to do was describe the setting with much detail at all. Though I knew that Ryan and his friend were somewhere near the lake, I had no idea what the lake is called or what it looks like, aside from a few scattered details here and there.

Another thing you unfortunately failed to indicate at all was Ryan’s personality. While describing a character’s physical appearance is important to the introduction, a description of their emotions and personality traits is a close runner-up. It’s easy to overlook a character’s feelings in favor of plot development, among other things, but it’s very important to tell us about the character in as much detail, even if it is an ‘invisible’ trait, because it will help the reader to understand the ways in which certain characters detail with different problems, and can often have a huge effect on how the plot plays out.

Story/Plot:

I think there was a good amount of originality in your story, at least to the point where it was no longer a run-of-the-mill “find-and-catch” story. There was one good plot twist, in which Riolu falls into the lake and has to be rescued by a Buizel who just happens to be swimming there. The transition between scenes was smooth; I understand how and why everything happened.

However, while I said that the story showed originality, it was unfortunately a bit on the boring side. The best plots will be incredibly exciting and, while not necessarily ‘unpredictable,’ the sense that the reader has no idea what’s going to happen next or why, contain quite a bit of suspense that leaves the reader guessing. You wrote a little bit of suspense into your story, but, for next time, you need to have a more creative plot that will really keep the reader wanting to read more.

Detail/Description:

While the descriptions in your story weren’t particularly vivid, they at least served the purpose of allowing a visual of certain characters and events. However, there are many places that could have been described in even more detail. Remember that physical appearance isn’t the only thing you need to be showing to the reader. Certain things like the sounds each character hears and the things they smell will add to the mood. A dark silence accompanied by the rank smell of garbage doesn’t exactly present a happy, cheerful ambiance; a reader’s not going to be particularly scared if the setting takes place under the warm sunshine, with a cool breeze making the bright yellow flowers sway gently, blowing the tangy, salty sea air towards the character’s nose. Those are things to think about when adding descriptions. It’s not just about appearance.

Grammar:

Usually, I would just pick out specific instances in which certain grammatical mistakes have been made. Unfortunately, the grammatical errors were pretty much rampant throughout your story, especially when it comes to punctuation. Look:

“Let’s go” Ryan called and ran down the rock and to the shore just as the orange weasel and the blue coyote reached land “Riolu” Ryan cried and ran over to the Pokemon he put his head on Riolu’s chest and for a second he thought hope was lost, until he picked up a quite and far paced heart beat “he’s alive” Ryan called and started pushing his had on Riolu’s chest making him cough up spurts of water

I see one comma in this entire paragraph, and not a single period. I’m sorry, but that is very poor.

This is how it should look, with all of the proper punctuation and capitalization:

“Let’s go,” Ryan called and ran down the rock to the shore, just as the orange weasel and the blue coyote reached land. “Riolu!” Ryan cried and ran over to the Pokémon. He put his head on Riolu’s chest, and for a second he thought hope was lost, until he picked up a quiet and far-paced heart beat. “He’s alive!” Ryan called and started pushing his hand on Riolu’s chest, making him cough up spurts of water.

You may have to look closely to see some of the bolded punctuation marks; I know they can be hard to see sometimes. I also fixed a couple of other small mistakes that were meshed in with the punctuation problems. There’s no one best way to explain how to know when to use certain punctuation marks, but I strongly suggest reading the <<How to Write Stories>> thread, as I know it has a lot of useful information about pretty much everything.

Length:

For a Simple-category Pokémon, this was just over the minimum requirement. You really need to flesh out your stories with lots of detail; that will help you immensely in lengthening your stories.

Battle:

For a beginner, this battle was actually fairly well done, though it was not particularly exciting. You had each Pokémon use a variety of moves, which definitely adds to the excitement of the battle, but the entire scene was just so fleeting. It could have been made so much more intense and gripping, had each attack been thoroughly described, though I did notice a bit of description for a few attacks. As it stands, this battle was probably too short, but, just like with the rest of your story, detail can go a long way.

Outcome:

Unfortunately, I’m going to say Buizel not captured, and here’s why: Your grammar showed very little evidence of you going back through and editing your story, which is something every writer should do. Please, read the <<How to Write Stories>> thread, as I suggested, and go back through to fix your punctuation. Once you have done that, PM me, and, if I see that, for the most part, your punctuation has been fixed, I will gladly reassess my ruling. As for the rest of the story, it was fairly well put together, and showed a great amount of creativity and potential. Keep in mind that you need lots more detail in future stories, as well as a more original plot. For now, don’t bother changing this story, aside from your punctuation (unless you want to, in which case, be my guest), because it is fine as it is. I’ll be waiting to regrade!