View Full Version : Bird and the Bee(Ready for Grading)

11-30-2007, 12:19 PM
Target: Combee&Starly
Rating: Simple&Simple
Target Characters: 5k each.. so 10k.
Pokemon Captured: Starly

So to make the post fair, I'll do it in a second post instead of this post.

11-30-2007, 06:34 PM
Kaioo with the recent loss of not catching the Kirlia kicked his foot at the ground in anger, before returning Monferno. Around him, the bushes were pushes to and fro by the wind, and he slowly walked towards the end of the path.

As he approached the town, he looked around, searching for the train station. Upon spotting the silvery grey roofed station, he hurried towards it, rushing past people as they did whatever they did.

As he arrived in the station, he searched around, looking for the timetable of the trains, and once he spotted it, rushed over to it, in the process, he pushed past an old lady whom shouted comments that he ignored.

Once he saw the train time he was looking for, he rushed towards the platform and walked onboard the train. He was greeted with the smell of a newly cleaned room, and the red carpet he stood on was completely clean, which surprised Kaioo.

He searced around for somewhere to sit, and he sat down on a seat close to a window. Next to him, was an old man whom was snoring around in his chair, sound asleep.
The train started off with a jolt, storming out of the station, and as Kaioo looked outside, the surroundings blurred past him, causing him to look around the carriage as to not get dizzy.

After a long time of travelling, the train finally stopped, the wheels screeching very loudly as it stopped, waking up the old man next to Kaioo, before the passengers began pouring out of the train. Kaioo followed a large mass of chatting boys and quickly got off the train.
As he looked around, he realised the air had a scent of honey, and, as he liked honey, he followed the smell. As he closed in on the tree that the smell came from, there was a buzzing noise in the air which irritated Kaioo, and he span around to see a Combee buzzing towards him. Close behind the Combee was a Starly, which flapped it's wings furiously to keep up with the small bee.

"Go Monferno!" Kaioo exclaimed, hoping that his Ape pokemon could atleast defeat a yellow and black striped bee that was odd looking when compared with other bees, and a black and grey bird which was quite small.
"Flamethrower!" Kaioo screamed, as Monferno prepared a ruby red ball of flame inside it's mouth, before blasting the Flamethrower at the Starly and Combee.

The Starly swooped to the left to evade the incoming attack, and was very lucky as the Flamethrower stormed past it, and burnt the Combee, causing it to turn black, covered in soot. The flames swarmed past the Combee, and scorched the trees and grass nearby, setting small fires to alight scatted about.

The Starly swooped towards Monferno, it's wings spread out wide as it crashed into the Ape, and Kaioo knew that it had just used a Wing Attack. Though it didn't affect Monferno much, it bought the duo enough time for the Combee to launch a small Gust attack.

The Gust swirled around Monferno, barely damaging it as it prepared for a second Flamethrower attack. Before it could engage with beginning the second attack, the Starly came swooping in once again, once again using a Wing Attack.

Monferno quickly dodged the attack before launching a Flamethrower attack at the bird, scorching it's wings as causing it to hover close to the ground, obviously not up to much more punishment. Meanwhile, whilst Monferno was preoccupied, the Combee had mustered up another Gust attack and caught Monferno off guard as the Gust attack crashed into Monferno. Monferno's body was sliced by the Gust as it began to die down, and in anger it launched a weak and quite small magenta coloured Flamethrower at the Combee, barely even harming it.

As Monferno turned to look at the Combee, it began gathering flames inside it's mouth to launch at the Combee, and it launched the attack, the Combee's wings setting aflame as it's entire body was on fire, and it crashed to the ground, defeated.

Monferno turned it's attention to the Starly, which was flying straight at it, and it crashed into it, obviously using a Tackle attack. The attack itself, didn't phase Monferno much at all, but the sheer accuracy of the attack of such a punished and weakened foe was a shock.

Monferno, hoping to crush the bird, launched another Flamethrower attack, and as the Flamethrower stormed towards it, ran alongside the flames, it's fists glowing a bright amber colour.

The Flamethrower crashed into the Starly, obviously not harming it much, but was caught of guard as Monferno began unleashing many punches upon the small bird Pokemon.
GOOD, IT'S USING CLOSE COMBAT.. Kaioo thought, impressed that Monferno was doing attacks without commands. A second time Monferno, hoping to crush the bird, launched another Flamethrower attack, and as the Flamethrower stormed towards it, ran alongside the flames, it's fists glowing a bright amber colour.

The Flamethrower crashed into the Starly, obviously not harming it much, but was caught of guard as Monferno began unleashing many punches upon the small bird Pokemon.

The Starly angered by the attacks from Monferno flew towards it very fastly, and with it's wings spread wide, used a Wing Attack on Monferno, crashing into it and cutting it's face in the process.

The Combee's body, meanwhile, was twitching a bit, and a buzzing sound filled the air once more as the Combee slowly hovered back into the air, sounding pretty angry, it launched three seperate Gust attacks at Monferno at once.

Two of the Gusts crashed into each other, and merged to make a much larger, and more powerful Gust attack, whilst the other Gust pitifully crashed into Monferno, hardly scratching it at all.

The big Gust attack, however, caused serious damage as Monferno was flung backwards into Kaioo, sending them both crashing into the ground, a small dust cloud configurating into the air, before disappearing quite quickly.

Slowly, Monferno and Kaioo got back up, and Monferno powered up a Flamethrower attack.
The ruby red flames built up inside Monferno's mouth, before being unleashed upon the Starly, the flames completely surrounding the small bird.

The flames began to close in on the bird, burning it's wings and it let out a cry of pain as it's wings were scorched by the flames. After a few seconds, the flames died down, and the Starly swooped towards Monferno, crashing into it with a Tackle attack. Shortly after the Starly attacked Monferno, the Combee sent a Gust attack storming towards Monferno, and it surrounded the Ape, before slicing it's body.

Soon enough, the Gust died down, and Monferno, whom was angered greatly, began glowing red, before flames shot from all parts of Monferno's body, and engulfed the entire battlefield. The surroundings roared with flames as they burnt, and Kaioo rose his left arm to shield himself from the intense heat as everything was set aflame. The air was splintered with the flames, tiny dots of flames sparking off the trees and bushes, as well as the grass. Many Pokemon came storming out of their habitat in fear of being burnt alive, scattering like leaves on an Autumn day.

The flames began to die down, and only a few lingering flames still remained, and they flickered across the surroundings, barely able to be seen. A Pidgeotto flew very fast out of the tree it had been sat on as flames flickered on the branch it had been on not long ago.

The Combee and the Starly had not escaped the flames, and were quite badly wounded as simultaneously they launched attacks. The Starly launched a Tackle attack, whilst the Combee launched a Gust attack.

The incoming attacks didn't scare Monferno one bit as it dodged the Starly, and stood there for a few moments as the Starly looked around in confusion, before the Gust surrounded it, cutting into it's wings, before it fled out of the Gust.

Monferno lunged at the bird, crashing into it, before punching it with it's glowing left fist. The Starly, under the onslaught of Close Combat, struggled to escape from Monferno's grasp, but as a Gust attack crashed into Monferno's side, Monferno stopped it's onslaught upon the helpless bird, and turned it's attention upon the Combee which had launched the Gust attack, and already was preparing a second one. The Starly flew into the air, and circled around, gathering speed as it prepared for a Wing Attack.

The Combee unleashed the Gust attack, but it was too little to late as Monferno came storming towards it, and easily dodged the Gust, before unleashing a Flamethrower on the bee. The flames completely surrounded the Combee, scorching it's wings, before dieing down. Suddenly, a whoosh screamed through the air as the Starly swooped towards Monferno, crashing into it with it's Wing Attack.

Monferno ignored the pain that swept through it's body, doing a front-flip to land behind the Combee, which frantically searched around, scared of where Monferno was. Monferno powered up another Flamethrower attack, and sent the dark blood red Flamethrower crashing into the Combee's back, sending it fluttering towards the ground, injured beyond compare.

The Starly, seeing the Combee lying in a massive messy heap swooped very fast towards Monferno, just missing it, as the Ape did a second front-flip and almost landed on the flying bird.

The Starly just managed to sway it's course and not crash into the Monferno, as the Monferno followed it's every move, lunging at it at every turn. Monferno had enough enery to keep doing this for ages, but the Starly didn't.

Soon enough, the Starly flew high into the air, before storming down, and caught Monferno off guard, and crashed into it, using a Wing Attack. After a tiresome engagement, Monferno too, seemed to be tiring, and launched a few more weak Flamethrower attacks at Starly, hoping to scare the bird, which narrowly evaded the incoming flames. The Starly swooped towards Monferno a couple of times, hoping for a lucky hit, but it knew that it wouldn't get one, so was just daringly trying to harm Monferno.

Monferno jumped into the bird, sending it onto the ground, before unleashing many punches onto it.
Monferno back-flipped to land on it's feet in a crouched position, awaiting the movement from the Starly. As the bird began to fly towards Monferno, it jumped towards it, it's right fist glowing a bright amber-ruby colour, before it unleashed a Mach Punch upon the Starly, causing it to fall onto the ground in a massive messy heap.

Kaioo, whom was quite pleased with how well his Monferno fought, chucked two Pokeballs into the air, and they opened up, sending out two Rainbowey coloured beams which sucked in the Combee and the Starly.
The Pokeballs wobbled from side to side. Once.. Twice..

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Will edit when have time.
Current characters: 10,244

I relied heavily on the Battle, which I have a feeling downgraded my result.

Phantom Kat
12-05-2007, 01:47 AM
Hello, sorry for being late. ^^;

Plot: Kaioo has admitted defeat on not catching the Kirlia and after a getting on and off the trainer, he follows the sweet scent of honey to find a Combee and a Starly. Bring out his Monferno, they engage in a 1 vs. 2 battle.

Unfortunately, you still seem to lack in this part. You write really well but you basically have no plot and the plot may be the the most important thing in occasions like this. Cut down your battle and fill what you cut with action (non battling action). Here’s some things that you can use in your stories to spice things up:

- Kaioo was kidnapped.

What if he was kidnapped by some team (Rocket, Galactic, etc.) and he was trying to get out? Did they try to steal his Pokémon? Were they trying to recruit him or extract information he might know?

- Pokémon acting oddly.

What if he came across this town where Pokémon were acting oddly and he decides to investigate why? Was it that the river was polluted and the Pokémon who drank the water acted odd? Or did so many Electric Pokémon gathered that the magnet fields around the town were distorted?

Remember, it doesn’t have to be a trainer the main character. You can make it all about Pokémon or in some parallel universe. You can write about an Elte 4 member or a little girl, don’t limit yourself to only your trainer (I’ve only inserted my trainer in one story =P). I highly suggest you try one of the ideas I mentioned in an URPG story, they may not be the most original but they are A LOT better than the normal “kid walks, stumbles upon Pokémon, and battles it”. Read books, watch movies, and maybe even use something that happened to you in school. Bullying problems and the person tries to get payback? A Romeo and Juliet love story? Change it around, add your own twists, but PLEASE don’t use the “kid walks and finds Pokémon” again. You will have no chance in catching harder Pokémon, no matter how you write it or how many battles you put in.

Intro: Kaioo, disappointed about not catching the Psychic type, walks to the train stations and gets on and later gets off.

Same thing I said about the plot. Add some action (again, no battle action), a shady character that really wants to kidnap him. Grip us with the intro, give us some excitement that doesn’t include a battle. If you have a good plot, more than like, you’ll have a good intro as well.

Grammar/Spelling: This section was good but I would like to point out some things.

Monferno, hoping to crush the bird, launched another Flamethrower attack, and as the Flamethrower stormed towards it, ran alongside the flames, it's fists glowing a bright amber colour.

Here, you are saying “it is fists glowing”. Right here, it should be “its”. Use “it’s” when you are talking something being possessive. For example:

“Its laugh was cruel and cold like winter.”
“The cat looked at me, its tail swishing back and forth.”

Here, I’m talking about something belonging to the “it”. For “it’s”, it should be use like this:

“It is snowing so hard, I though my breath would freeze right then and there.”
“It is such a good drawing, the mom put it on the fridge.”

We are talking about how stuff is so no apostrophe here.

Also, there is no such word was “rainbow-ey”. The term would be “rainbow colored”.

Detail and Description: Again, this was very good but make sure just as you described the Flamethrowers, describe the other Pokémon and their attacks like Wing Attack and Gust. Also, don’t just use color to describe them, use size, shape, smell, and so on.

Try not repeating the same descriptive word. I noticed you use “amber” a lot but you can change it up. “Amber” can also be “tawny”, “autumn colored”, “light crimson”, and so on. Vary it, use the word once then use it again later on. This will keep it interesting and not as though the same thing is repeating over and over again.

Length: It’s enough, just barely, but don’t pay attention to the length but to the quality of the story.

Battle: This IS your strong suit but you cannot rely on it to catch your Pokémon. Put the same effort you do on your battles to your plot, description, characters, and so on. Right now, your main priority should be your plot. Treat this as you would a fan fiction (URPG stories is fan fiction but you just get something from it other than reviews), think up of a plot you can continue for a while and that keeps your readers interested.

Outcome: The lack of plot really hurt you here, bud and it will continue to hurt you if you don’t take some time and think of an original plot. One of them captured! Pick either Pokémon, Starly or Combee. Work on your plot before you think of anything else. Read successful URPG stories to get ideas, PLEASE. It will help you A LOT.

(Remember, you can always ask for a re-grade after you fix what you need to fix to capture the Pokémon. Just PM the grader [in this case, me] and he/she will look over your story and say the outcome.)

- Kat