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pokegabel
12-09-2007, 03:53 AM
The Power Sub Station
by Pokegabel


One sunny day, Gabel, a 10 year old boy woke up with his partner, Ashes the Cyndaquil from a good nights sleep in his home town, Eterna City. Eterna City was always filled with big crowds of people. There weren't many tall buildings found in Eterna city. Gabel was a small boy for his age, but an intelligent boy that could use many strategies that he made himself. He had short, light brown hair and blue eyes. He usually wore polo shirts and knee-length shorts. He was best described, friendly. He was always thinking of new strategies but he decided that today, he needed to get a new Pokemon for some new strategies. It came to him when he had started to be trumped in every battle.

He went out into a forest to search .He found a Bellsprout that was walking around idly. He chose to try and catch it for his team so he battled it with Ashes. Ashes started to get ready for an attack but Bellsprout quickly rapidly fired very sharp leaves directed at him. It was a direct hit as Ashes was sent flying. He finally got up after the terrible fall. He quickly prepared a big blast of smoke, Ashes was finally fighting back. It wasn't very effective towards Bellsprout but while Bellsprout was in the air, Ashes prepared a flamethrower by breathing a big breath of the heated air and it was directed at where Bellsprout was landing. It hit Bellsprout unexpectedly and creating a big impact on it! Bellsprout barely got up but it was still able to fire a giant barrage of sharp leaves at Ashes again. Ashes got back up and started to breathe another deep heated breath to finish Bellsprout off. Bellsprout rapidly extended some vines from its body and started to whip Ashes with them. Ashes fired the flamethrower towards Bellsprout. It fainted and quickly, Gabel reached for his bag but he forgot it at home! Unfortunately, Gabel had to leave Bellsprout to get his bag of equipment.

Gabel called back Ashes in a big flash of light. Gabel rushed towards his home as fast as he could, Avoiding the Pokemon on his way. When he was at the edge of the forest, something caught his eye. It was an abandoned power sub station. He kept its location in his mind as he ran towards his house. He had to get into it without his keys because they are always in his bag. He broke down the window and this time he packed his bags with a few pokeballs and his keys so he can get into his house when he comes back. The window was left as it was when he entered.

Gabel started to go back where he left Bellsprout something was different about the power sub station. It had started to glow an eerie, radioactive glow. He ignored that as he continued to Bellsprout's area that it fainted but it wasn't there anymore! All that work was in vain so he continued through the forest. Gabel walked as far as he could go but he didn't find any other Pokemon. He started to walk back to town and nothing was found. It took him a while to find a clearing on his way home but he forgot his sleeping bag so he slept on the ground.

He eventually got some sleep and he was starting to worry. It wasn't very long until he woke up again. He started to go home again but this time, the power sub station was making unknown, spooky noises so, with all the bravery he could muster, he entered the glowing, spooky power sub ataion in hopes of finding a rare Pokemon. In the power sub station, there was a power generator that wasn't working anymore but still had some energy left in it, and a big gap where the control panel used to be. In that gap, there were a lot of poison, ghost and dark Pokemon. Gabel miraculously spotted a small Mareep hiding behind the generator to get away from the other Pokemon. Gabel decided to battle the Mareep and call it as his own.

He called out Ashes for the battle. Mareep started an attack by charging up. It absorbed a lot of the excess electricity from the generator even though it was broken. Gabel was thinking of a strategy and decided to use a defence curl/rollout combination. Ashes started to curl into a small ball when Mareep started to fire its charged up energy with a discharge. Ashes just hopped into the air, still in the small ball, just missing the electricity but the discharge eventually hit the generator causing a stir and a lot of distracting noises. This distracted Ashes before it could execute its attack. Mareep took this to its advantage and fired a powerful thunder. It was directed at Ashes but because of its low accuracy, it missed Ashes. But it fortunately just missed zapping Gabel. Finally, Ashes started to spin directly at Mareep. It almost jumped out of the way but still got its foot hit during its jump. Mareep attemped to hit Ashes with a tackle while he was ricocheting but during its attempt, it got hit by a second, speeding rollout. Mareep fell to the ground with a thud and got sent flying by a third and extremely powerful rollout. Mareep collapsed to the ground, let off a light cry and fainted. Gabel finally felt it was time to catch it. Gabel tossed the pokeball with all his might and in a huge flash of light and...

pokegabel
12-09-2007, 04:00 AM
This is my first story

Elrond
12-16-2007, 05:28 PM
Introduction:

The introduction did basically what it was supposed to do, but it was a bit bland. You gave a fairly visible description of Gabel’s physical appearance, but it really wasn’t vivid enough to be interesting. When you describe the main character, you want to be as descriptive as physically possible. Instead of telling us what Gabel usually wore, you should focus on detailing what he’s wearing today, colors, decals, and whatever else. You also gave a cursory description of Eterna City, though it was also somewhat dull. Again, you gave a short generalization of how the city always is, instead of really detailing how it looks at that moment in the story.

The second purpose an introduction has is to introduce the plot of the story, even if it only hints at the storyline, or events to come in the future. Your explanation of the plot was that Gabel wanted to find new Pokémon so he could learn new strategies. While it does give a motive for what Gabel does afterwards, it also doesn’t really pique my curiosity. I’ll go into this a bit more in the next section.

Story/Plot:

A plot such as this is commonly called a “find-and-catch” story. The generic definition is that a trainer goes out into the forest, finds a Pokémon, and catches it. Almost your entire storyline showed Gabel battling Bellsprout, and then battling Mareep. While you added a few details around this simple storyline, it still turned out uninteresting and bland. I can’t really hold this against you at this point, however, because you are a beginning writer and this is your first story. Just keep in mind that a good plot contains lots of exciting plot twists, and a good balance between suspense and mellow points.

There was a lot of potential in your story for plot twists. The one you included was when Gabel realized he didn’t have his bag with him. However, you could have considered including more problems that he would have to face. For example, what if he had been attacked by the Ghost and Dark Pokémon inside the power station, and had to somehow save the Mareep from them, and then battle the Mareep after he had gotten safely outside. Really, successful plots come down to creativity and originality. You’ve got to pull your readers into the story, so they want to keep reading.

Description/Detail:

While you included a fairly good amount of description, I really wasn’t enamored with it. I’ve already touched on how you could improve the descriptions in your story in the Introduction section.
Because so much of your story was taken up with the two battles, I’m a bit lost for things to talk about in this section. One thing I would have liked you to describe was the power station, which got very little detail. Was it broken down? What were the walls made of? Had weeds and vines begun to creep up its sides? It’s hard to visualize anything in a story if the author doesn’t give a solid description to show them. A good description for something important to the plot like this should probably be about a paragraph long. This will allow the reader to see the thing more clearly, and make the story more enjoyable as a whole.

Grammar/Spelling:

I pick out a lot of grammatical mistakes in stories, but you shouldn’t be overwhelmed, because I only mark down when certain problems are repeated all over the story, and I didn’t see anything too bad here. The correct grammar will be in italics and bolded.

One sunny day, Gabel, a 10 year old boy woke up with his partner, Ashes the Cyndaquil from a good nights sleep in his home town, Eterna City.

One sunny day, Gabel, a ten year old boy woke up with his partner, Ashes the Cyndaquil, from a good night’s sleep in his hometown, Eterna City.

1. It’s better for presentation to write out numbers that can be written in one word.
2. ‘Ashes the Cyndaquil’ should have a comma after it, also. I forget the term for a phrase like that, but what it is is a phrase that can be taken out of the sentence, without changing the meaning of the sentence.
3. ‘Night’s’ is possessive in this case.
4. I believe ‘hometown’ is one word.

He quickly prepared a big blast of smoke, Ashes was finally fighting back.

He quickly prepared a big blast of smoke; Ashes was finally fighting back.

Because ‘Ashes was finally fighting back,’ can stand on its own as a sentence, but can be attached to the sentence before it, you should use a semicolon.

He broke down the window and this time he packed his bags with a few pokeballs and his keys so he can get into his house when he comes back.

He broke down the window and this time he packed his bags with a few pokeballs and his keys so he would be able to get into his house when he came back.

You accidentally switched into the present tense here. The correct wording remains in the past tense.

He ignored that as he continued to Bellsprout's area that it fainted but it wasn't there anymore!

He ignored that as he continued to the area where Bellsprout had fainted, but it wasn’t there anymore!

This sentence just had a weird wording to it. The wording I presented makes more sense.

Also keep in mind that names of attacks, like ‘Flamethrower,’ should be capitalized.

Length:

The length of this story was just over the 5K minimum. When you write a story, even for the lower categories, you should always try to write as much as you can. Lengthier descriptions would have helped out quite a bit here.

Battle:

This section is meant to focus mainly on the battle you used to attempt to capture the Pokémon, but whatever I say here can probably be applied to your other battle, as well. Your battle with Mareep was probably about as long as it needed to be, attack-wise, and perhaps a bit longer than it needed to, in that sense. However, what you didn’t do was include vivid descriptions of each of the attacks. One of the big factors a grader looks at when we critique battles is how exciting it was. Adding in copious descriptions will make the battle more interesting and easier to see.

One last note I’d like to make is that you should shy away from using terms from the games, like ‘low accuracy.’ Instead of saying an attack has low accuracy or is supereffective, etc., you should describe more vividly its effects on the opponent. You could have said that Thunder just barely missed, or that the target of a ‘supereffective’ attack was knocked backwards horribly by the force of the attack, or cringed really badly. Just keep that in the back of your head when you’re writing battles.

Outcome:

This was a rather borderline case, but I’ve decided that Mareep has been captured!!! because it’s your first story, and you did fairly well on it. Make sure that, in future stories, you include a lot more detailed descriptions in everything, instead of the fairly general descriptions you included in this story. Also, when you get into the harder levels, you need to have much more creative, exciting plots. I can tell you’re going to do well in the URPG, and have fun with your electric sheep! BAAA! :)

pokegabel
12-16-2007, 10:23 PM
Thank you sooo much for this mareep.