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gympower
12-14-2007, 04:08 PM
tommorow i need to stand up early so i go to bed fast! hey togepi you go sleep too okay?NEXT MORNING ahh that was go....what?! im late for school fast! honey you and darkmoon want some breakfasT? no! im late for school see yah!
teacher: where where you?! sorry i overslept...now we gonna learn some math....huh? *every kid in the classroom screams* a ghost! *every kid runs away except nakozan* thats me , run away teacher! il handle this! go togepi!now another metronome! kwaaah! the enemy uses...hypnosis! now use metronome! protect! now! ancient power! .......the ghost ran away, teacher says: that was dangerous and alot of ghosts are going in this town away and there are coming ghosts..who sends them? hmmm i saw you getting rid of that ghost so i say you should find out, deep in the night.....where going togepi! huh? the ghosts are leading us to one way....walkin for hours....huh? an old house i see....lets go in....i think where lost togepi. togepi: -_- i think so, w8....you can talk!? t-man: uhh yeah im not an normal togepi ^_^ yeah........lets go deeper...oh my dog! gengar: ah i waited for you! what are you doing by sending all these ghosts? kekeke my gastley's need to find an rest place and this place is too small kekeke this place is an maze! and its an big maze this is big enough! g-mon: wah! what you say?! this place is too small! my army needs an better place to live! go togepi! now use ancient power! togepi! all the rocks fly with supersonic speed at gengar and he dissapeared! now togepi use metronome! togepi mysteriously waggles it fingers and an ray of light apeared he used flash to reduce accuracy! now use metronome! blast burn! keee! grr...shadow ball! gengar concentrated at his hands and an shadow blob appeared and gengar hitted togepi! togepi! you are never gonna mess with an ghost pokemon! never! urrggh i cant fight anymore! teleport!*an flash of light came into the eyes of nakozan and he got away! *suddenly...nakozan falls asleep and togepi brings him home...*
ahhh that battle with gengar was tough and hard... but it was still worth it! w8...he did flee i can even meet him in my room so i have to be carefull
togepi.....but lets go to school today! after 6 long and boring hours nako finaly got out of hell but then...the sunlight turned dark no light anymore...oh my dog! millions of gastley's,haunters are flying to the city! we gotta stop them! now togepi! use metronome! togepi waggled his finger and summoned an mysterious wall that protects the whole city then only one gastley came into the city and now! togepi! ancient power! gastley gas! the rocks where trown at the wild gastley! now an metronome! foresight! the wild gastley was now hittable! now! another metronome! false swipe! 1 hp left! now use metronome! present! togepi summoned an box with inside a.....hp restoring move! no! grr....now ancient power hypnosis! gastley hypnotises the foe to go to sleep! now use metronome! snore! togepi made aan huge critical hit snore! *strange isnt it?* now pokeball! 1...2...3...darn! now togepi use ancient power! his still asleep...nightmare?! noo! now ancient power! he did awaken from sleep!
togepi trew huge rocks with thelepathy! critical hit! now pokeball! 1...2...3...darn! great ball! 1..2...3...now you choose!

Elrond
12-14-2007, 04:12 PM
As a grader, I can tell you right now that this is nowhere near long enough to catch a Gastly. Again, I would suggest you read the <<How to Write Stories>> (http://www.pokemonelite2000.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8445) thread, and also read other people's stories to get an idea of what we expect out of stories.

Oxygen
12-14-2007, 04:16 PM
This isn't set out propally, and you never said that you actually caught the Gastly.

gympower
12-14-2007, 04:29 PM
As a grader, I can tell you right now that this is nowhere near long enough to catch a Gastly. Again, I would suggest you read the <<How to Write Stories>> (http://www.pokemonelite2000.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8445) thread, and also read other people's stories to get an idea of what we expect out of stories.

read my other story is that one good? cuz i wanna be writer later!

This isn't set out propally, and you never said that you actually caught the Gastly.

i know but its just like the croagunk that brock found and said he caught a croagunk....and im just 10 so i cant make that good story's like 15 age people do!

Oxygen
12-14-2007, 04:44 PM
I'm 10, and look at my example.

Elrond
12-14-2007, 06:58 PM
For those of you reading this, gympower has asked me to grade his story. I’m not going to grade his story as I would other stories, as it’s simply not feasible (or is it...?), and I think most other graders would agree with me on that. Also, Meg or Emma, I’m not looking to be paid for this, whether or not you would have considered it pay-worthy anyway.

GP (may I call you that?), this story is simply not up to expectations, or anywhere near it. Please, allow me to rant on a bit, and I hope this will help you improve the quality of your work. I’m going to be as concise as I can, because I know a lot of new writers are overwhelmed by long reviews.


Introduction:

In a very basic sense, an introduction does two things.

1) Provides the reader with a clear physical description of the main character and their surroundings, and,

2) Acts as a smooth jumping-off point into the plot of the story.

As I see it, your introduction is contained in the sentences:

kwwaaaH! ....i overslept! *runnning* *falls down* ouch! huh whats that *an shadow appeared* huh?! kwah kwah kwah,help! hmpf! im not scared! go togepi! now use metronome! kwaaaH! .....this is not the right time...*running away* kweh kweh kweh

There is absolutely no description of the main character’s appearance whatsoever. That means that I can’t see the character in my mind. It may be slightly easier for you to write a description if you write in the third person, like so:

The boy stood just slightly taller than his partner, Alakazam, and had wavy, chestnut hair that fell just past the tops of his ears. His bright blue eyes shone like sapphires in the yellow morning sun, which cast brilliant rays on his pale face.

Even that isn’t as long as a description of your main character should be, but it at least gives somewhat of a picture of the person. As for introducing the plot of the story, this introduction does do that, but could be expanded on so much more. Your character doesn’t just teleport to school; there’s a lot more that happens in between, and we, as the reader, want to see it.

Story/Plot

For right now, you don’t need to worry too much about the plot. What you do need to worry about is picking a plot that can be written easily by someone of your level of writing. The plot you chose for this story, in the hands of a well-seasoned writer, could have taken posts and posts to finish. While I don’t like to condone it much, the best plot for you to write about right now is about going into a forest, finding a Pokémon, battling it, and attempting to catch it.

Keep in mind, however, that that will definitely not work once you’ve got the experience to write better stories.

Description/Detail:

This is where your story lacked the most, and why it is so short. Instead of using lengthy, detailed descriptions to describe actions, you deigned to write things like:

*runnning*

*falls down*

*an shadow appeared*

Let’s focus on, “falls down.” We use the term, “showing, not telling,” to describe how your descriptions should be formatted. Here, you’ve simply told us that the character falls down. But, consider something more descriptive, like:

The boy threw his ocean-blue comforter off of the side of the bed and leapt to his feet. He landed on the hard, wooden floor with a thump, and took off running. Suddenly, the boy knocked his right foot on the doorjamb and threw his hands out in front of him as he stumbled, and, his big toe throbbing, fell to the floor.

Oh, and asterisks are not used in literary works, except to denote a footnote (which you don’t need to worry about at all).

Grammar:

To be as concise as possible, I’m going to ask you to please reread this post (http://www.pokemonelite2000.com/forum/showpost.php?p=203126&postcount=2) for more information on grammar, and you can also check out the two links at the bottom of that post.

Length:

Gastly is a Hard-category Pokémon, which means this story needs to be at least twenty thousand characters long. A ‘character,’ in this context, refers to any letter, space, punctuation mark, or any other symbol in a story. This story is only 1774 characters long; way, way too short for a Gastly. I suggest you pick out only Pokémon from the Easiest or Simple category until you’ve got a lot more experience.

Battle:

The biggest problem in your battle is that there is no description whatsoever of the attacks. Instead of just saying, “Togepi used Metronome,” you need to describe what the attack looks like. How does Togepi move its body when it uses the attack? Are there colorful flashes of light? Is the attack made of energy, or does Togepi throw something? When you write a battle, you need to, first and foremost, aim for excitement, which can be significantly increased by a battle.

Outcome:

This story is unfortunately weak in all areas. Carefully reread what I’ve said, and the advice given in the <<How to Write Stories>> thread, and go back and use it to catch Pokémon.

For now, Gastly not captured.

As always, you can PM me if you ever need help.