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View Full Version : The Snowpoint Snorunt! [Winter Comp Story]


-PK
12-17-2007, 02:52 AM
In the city of Snowpoint, there is a legend, which states, “Anyone born with hair white as the snow, will be known all throughout the world as the best Ice type Pokemon Trainer.”

This family started about 50 years ago, each generation of men, capturing the attacking Pokemon, which was Glalie. All the men that stood up and fought against them, succeeded without any flaws. Then, 13 years ago, one man failed at attaining the attacking Pokemon. What made it worse was it was a Snorunt. He had disgraced all the men before his time, and he disgraced the City. He was so torn up by the misery; he abandoned Snowpoint, and exiled himself to the top of Mt. Coronet. His son, now the next generation of the White Hairs, named Steve, has to capture this Snorunt, and regain his fathers honor.

Steve is a 13 year old boy, who always wears white clothes. His trusty Pokemon, Sneasel, has never let him down before. Sneasel has a small scar on the top of his right eye, which he got one day by fighting another Trainer’s Meowth. Sneasel’s Metal Claw attack is his most prized attack. Everyday, Steve leaves the City to train with Sneasel, each time, on look out for the Snorunt.

One day, when Steve left to train, before he even left the City, he saw Snorunt running around in the fresh layer of snow that had fallen overnight. Steve, with an amazed look on his face, quickly ran into the bushes next to him, to watch the Snorunt. When he ducked into the bush, he noticed Snorunt become less active.

“Maybe he’s tired, or maybe he knows I am here,” Steve whispered to himself. Whatever the case, Steve had to take action. He had never battled this Snorunt before. He has no clue how powerful it is.

“Ok, time for action,” Steve said, when he saw Snorunt start to turn around.

Steve quickly reached for a small Pokeball on his belt. This Pokeball, too, was pure white. Steve pressed the little button in the middle and watched the ball get bigger. Steve quickly threw it up into the air. As the ball opened, and a red beam shot out, Steve yelled:

“Come on out Sneasel!”

As the red beam flew out of the Pokeball, Steve jumped out of the bush, and watched the beam solidify into the shape of his Sneasel. Sneasel, unaware of the battle that he was about to be in, quickly turned around to face the Snorunt. At the sight of Snorunt, Sneasel laughed. When Snorunt saw that, he got instantly angered. Then he jumped straight up into the air, and gathered energy at his mouth. Steve, not knowing of what was about to come, commanded Sneasel to attack.

“Sneasel, go in with your Metal Claw, now!”

Sneasel, practically bolting from his spot, glided over the landscape with enormous speed. As he got closer, Snorunt got all the energy it could, and released it in a powerful Blizzard attack. Steve could tell it was powerful. He knew Sneasel couldn’t evade it in time; not even blocking it with the Metal Claw would work.

As Sneasel tried slowing down, and the Blizzard flying through the air, Sneasel tried using an Icy Wind attack to help block the Blizzard. When the two attacks met in mid-air, ice flew everywhere! Each fragment of ice, glistening in the sun’s rays, made tons of rainbows appear over the snow.

“Whoa, I have never seen anything like this before,” exclaimed Steve in astonishment.

When Sneasel’s attention shifted, for the slightest second, Snorunt took advantage of it and shot an even more powerful Blizzard at Sneasel. It hit with a loud bang. All sound in the area came to a sudden stop, and a heavy shroud of snow got kicked up into the air. Steve, completely unaware of what was in the shroud, picked up some snow, and turned it into a snowball. He threw it into the snow shroud and heard a sound, like ice breaking.

When Steve heard it, he ran into the shroud. He got stopped by a huge thin ice cage. He had no clue how that got there.

“I bet when that Blizzard hit, Sneasel used his Metal Claw on the ground, making all that snow kick up, and then Blizzard froze it,” Steve said all in one breathe to himself.

The area, still soundless, was calm except for what was happening inside the ice cage. Snorunt had caught Sneasel off guard and launched a Headbutt attack, with all its might at Sneasel. Snorunt glided across the icy snow with great speed. Steve was worried about what the impact would do to Sneasel. Then, Steve heard something breathing behind him, like some sort of monster.

Then he heard a sizzling sound coming closer and closer to him, He turned around to see a white hot flame flying through the shroud and hitting the ice cage, inches away Steve’s body. The heat was too intense for Steve to continue standing there, so he quickly moved away from the flame. He heard a loud boom coming from the cage. As soon as the flame died, he went to the hole it made to look in.

“Whoa, that flame was that strong?” Steve said to himself in disbelief.

The flame had completely destroyed the snow shroud, and made a huge, snow less crater in the middle of the area. The bare ground where the crater was was burned badly. Sneasel had escaped the flames range and was undamaged. Snorunt, on the other hand, was hurt badly. He must have rammed into the flame. Before Steve could move to get Sneasel, or even try to capture Snorunt, he heard footsteps moving closer and closer to him. He even felt an insanely hot heat, just like the one from the flame.

Afraid to turn around, Steve heard a soft, coarse voice talk.

“You careless, careless boy. Have you learned nothing?” the mysterious man said. “Your Sneasel could have been badly hurt.”

Steve quickly turned around to see Snowpoint City’s Elder standing there, along with his Magmortar. The Elder’s age is unknown to everyone in Snowpoint. No one even knows his real name, so everyone just calls him “Elder”. His Magmortar has been with him since he was a child, but back then it was just a Magby.

“Call back your Sneasel, now,” commanded the Elder with an angered tone.

With that, Steve took Sneasel’s Pokeball of his waste and walked over the icy area. He held up the ball, and a red beam shot out, absorbing Sneasel and bringing It back into the ball. Right when this happened, Snorunt struggled to his feet, and shot out of the ice wall, and fled to the trees that surround Lake Acuity.

“Give me your Sneasel’s Pokeball, now,” demanded the Elder. “You are unfit to take care of this Pokemon. I will give it back to you when you deserve it.”

“But Elder,” Steve said softly.

“But nothing. When you go into a battle, you don’t just dive right into a frontal attack. You stay back and see what kind of power your enemy has. If you do this, your Pokemon won’t get as injured, and your battle will go more smoothly.”

Steve watched the Elder return Magmortar to its Pokeball, and started to go back to the City.

~~~

Once back in Snowpoint, Steve walked to the Snowpoint Harbor and sat down at the water’s edge. Steve was deep in thought. He couldn’t stop thinking about what the Elder said to him. He wanted his Sneasel back so much.

Just then, four Dewgong shot up out of the water, leaving an icy trail behind them, and shot Ice Beams at the water. Each beam sparkled with all sorts of light blue and white colors. Each Dewgong landed on the ice their Ice Beams made in the water. Then each of them shot an Aurora Beam into the sky. Each beam collided and the sunlight, and sparkling ice fragments went everywhere, amazing lights shown throughout the sky.

“Sneasel you have to see…Oh right, I don’t have you with me,” Steve said sadly.

Steve stared at the lights and fell into a light sleep. As Steve fell asleep, the Elder walked over to Steve’s unmoving body. He reached for a Pokeball, and threw it into the air. When the Pokeball opened, a red beam, mixed with the various blue beams from the Dewgong, made a purple-like beam form into a Drowzee.

“Now Drowzee, listen closely. I want you to combine your Psychic attack and your dream sniffing abilities together and project Steve’s dream into my head, and do it fast,” the Elder said, with a commanding tone.

Confusedly, Drowzee did exactly what his master commanded. He raised his arms, and chanted, “Drowzee, Drowzee, Drow…zee!” When Drowzee ended his chant, his eyes glowed red, and the Elder fell into a sleep, just like Steve.

“Sneasel, attack that Snorunt now!” Steve exclaimed.

As Sneasel closed in on the Snorunt, the whole area turned red, and hot.

“What in the world! All the snow is melting and everything turned an eerie red color,” Steve said to himself.

Sneasel stopped moving, and got a scared look on its face. The Snorunt jumped into the air, and transformed into a Magmortar, which looked just like the Elders Magmortar. Sneasel, quickly come back to me. Sneasel turned around but couldn’t move. The Magmortar had gotten hold of Sneasel!

“Hahahahah,” yelled one of the trees.

Steve quickly looked at the tree that talked as it turned into the Elder.

“Your Sneasel belongs to me now! You have no Pokemon to use to stop me,” said the Elder.

With a terrified look on his face, Steve started to walk backwards, away from the Elder, but he felt something grow under his foot. He bent down to pick it up.

“Whoa! It’s a Pokeball, awesome,” Steve said confidently.

With that, Steve quickly threw the Pokeball into the air, and it opened. The red beam was practically invisible with all the red everywhere. Before Steve could see the beam, a Torkoal was standing in front of Steve. The Torkoal looked oddly familiar to Steve. With the sight of the Torkoal, Magmortar quickly released Sneasel. The Sneasel jumped into the air, as the Torkoal did, like he knew what was about to happen.

“Now Torkoal, use Earthquake!” exclaimed Steve.

With that command Torkoal smashed onto the ground eliminating the Magmortar, and the Elder.

When that happened, the impact was strong enough to make Drowzee break hold of the dream. Both the Elder and Steve woke up. With dazed looks, they both got up.

“Good work Drowzee, return,” the Elder said.

“Steve, for you to dream of something like that, you should be in the biggest trouble of your life.” said the Elder to Steve.

“But Elder, I couldn’t help it.” Steve said with a sad tone.

“But, by showing you have what it takes to defeat your dream enemy, I will give you back your Sneasel, and I shall lend you one of my Fire types to aid you in battling that Snorunt,” said the Elder with a big smile.

When the Elder held out two Pokeballs in his hand, Steve carefully took them, and pressed the buttons in the middle of them. As they got bigger, Steve threw them into the air. When the red beams finally took form, Steve easily recognized his Sneasel, but he didn’t seem to know the other Pokemon.

“Rapid, Rapidash,” yelled the Pokemon.

With a confused look, Steve said,

“A Rapidash? You are letting me use your Rapidash? Why?” Steve said confusedly.

“Because you deserve to use him,” the Elder said with an assuring tone.

“Now, to even find the Snorunt that’s been terrorizing our city, you must ride Rapidash towards to Lake, and go into the trees. When you approach the Lake itself, look around for the Snorunt. When you see it, DON’T rush into battle. Think of a strategic way to battle it. And remember, I won’t be there to help you, or save you like last time,” said the Elder.

With that, Steve put the two Pokeballs, onto his belt, and quickly mounted the Rapidash. Sneasel jumped onto Steve’s shoulder.

“Ok Rapidash lets get moving,” Steve commanded the fiery horse.

On that command, Rapidash started running out of the City. Sneasel poked Steve to look at the sky.

“Hm, its snowing now, that must be a sign we are close to Snorunt,” said Steve confidently.

As Steve rode through the trees, the snow stopped falling, and he noticed a strange purple fog around him. HE saw flashes of light blue light, and he eerie sounds all around him. Rapidash started to lose speed.

“Rapidash, don’t lose speed!” Steve yelled.

Right after he yelled that, a purple glow came around Rapidash. Suddenly, the horse, Steve and Sneasel got lifted into the air. Rapidash started yelling at the site of a skinny Pokemon flying right at it. Sneasel sensed it was a Pokemon and jumped off of Steve’s back and lunged at the unknown attacker. The attacker quickly disappeared into the fog, and another jumped up from the ground below Steve and Rapidash.

“Uh-oh,” yelled Steve.

Before Steve could jump off the horse to save himself, he remembered what the Elder said. This made Steve stay on the Pokemon’s back and take the attack with it. Before he knew it, the attack had kicked Rapidash in the stomach with a ton of force. This made the Pokemon and Steve fall from the glow. Steve had landed on his back, and Rapidash have landed on its hooves, but the ice under its feet had made it lose its balance and caused it to slide on the ground.

“Rapidash!” yelled Steve, cringing with pain.

Sneasel still flying through the air eventually landed in the Lake, with a large plop. When he jumped out of the Lake, he noticed Rapidash sliding at him. He quickly shot an Icy Wind attack at the Lake itself. But it was too late for Rapidash. It hit the water before the attack could fully freeze the water.

“Rapidash, nooooooo!” Steve yelled with tears forming in his eyes, as he watches steam rise off of the water’s surface.

Out of the trees, two skinny figures landed on the ground next to each other. Both of them jolted towards Sneasel with intent to attack him. As thy got closer, Sneasel flinched, but they didn’t attack! They jumped right over top of Sneasel and landed in the water. Steve, struggling to get to his feet, looked confused as to why they would attack but go save Rapidash.

“Either they want to finish Rapidash off themselves, or they can’t see another Pokemon die from what they did,” said Steve to himself, as he walked over to the water’s edge.

When Steve and Sneasel bent over to look through the water, the dark figures sprang out of the water. Steve couldn’t tell if they had brought up Rapidash. He did notice one of the figures was smaller than the other. He rushed towards them, but got blasted in the gut by a Blizzard attack. Once the mist cleared up, Steve could see one of the figures was a Medicham, and the other was Snorunt!

Rapidash was in Medicham’s arms. “Rapidash!” Steve yelled in excitement. He scrambled for the Pokeball on his belt. When he got it, Medicham disappeared, and Snorunt had started moving closer to Steve. Steve got Rapidash’s Pokeball, and exclaimed, “Ok Rapidash, return, you did well.” With that, a red beam shot out, barely missing the Snorunt, and swallowing the Rapidash. Once the beam returned to the ball, Steve placed it on his belt, and stood up, ignoring the pain.

“Ok Snorunt, you are going to pay for terrorizing my City, hurting Rapidash, me and Sneasel, and forcing my father into exile” Steve said angrily.

With that, the air turned thick, Sneasel and Snorunt readied themselves for an intense battle. Steve quietly spoke to Sneasel, still with his guard up, ready for an attack. “Watch out for its Blizzard attack, it’s strong.”

Several minutes passed, and neither side made a move. Steve was trying to locate a weakness on Snorunt, and finally found one. “Alright now I can weaken it easily. Now Sneasel, charge in with a Metal Claw attack!” commanded Steve. Sneasel shifted his stance, and held out his right claw. Circles of energy from all around Sneasel’s claw poured it. It glowed immensely. Sneasel started running towards the Snorunt. Sneasel noticed Snorunt gathering energy at its mouth, in the same way he did with Metal Claw.

“Oh great,” Steve said, “not Blizzard attack.”

Sneasel stopped his attack and jumped up onto a tree. Snorunt released all the gathered energy in an enormous Blizzard attack. The attack was no where near Steve and he could barely see what was happening. All over a sudden he heard a thundering crack. “SNEASEL,” Steve yelled as he ran towards the sound. Once the smoke and mist cleared, he saw two shadowy figures standing there, motionless. Steve noticed a chill in the air, and one of the figures moving.

Steve moved close enough to the figures to be able to identify who was who. “No, Sneasel, try dodging with Metal Claw,” Steve said hopelessly. Sneasel didn’t move. He just stood there, and Steve was puzzled as to why. When Snorunt closed in on Sneasel, Steve figured out it was using a Headbutt attack. Then, it hit its mark. Small fragments of ice, and Sneasel went flying in all directions.

Steve tried catching his Sneasel, but he couldn’t. All the fragments of ice slowed him down, and Sneasel flew into the tree. When Steve got to where Sneasel hit the tree, but he noticed Sneasel wasn’t there.

“Sneasel, where are you?” yelled Steve with a worried tone.

When Steve said that, he felt a pair of feet of his back, lift off with enormous pressure. He got pushed into the tree trunk. He freed himself just in time to see that Sneasel pushed off of him, and was charging at Snorunt with the most powerful Metal Claw Steve had ever seen!

“Whoa, I never saw a Metal Claw that strong before,” Steve said astonishingly.

When the Metal Claw hit Snorunt, it hit with a giant gong sound, like Snorunt was hollow on the inside. All sound on the Lake came to an eerie stop. The force of the attack sent Snorunt flying back overtop the lake water, smoking hot, like fire had hit it. Snorunt bounced once, and fell in on the next bounce.

“Hmm, I wonder...” Steve said. “Come on out, Rapidash! Use your strongest Fire Blast on the lake top!”

The Pokeball went spinning into the air, and opened. The red beam shot out, and took form of the fiery horse, which was gathering energy at its mouth. All the mist evaporated into nothingness. Then, the flames gathered at Rapidash’s mouth shot out, like a white hot bullet, crossing over the entire Lake top. Snorunt, who was far below the water, couldn’t take the heat, and flew out of the water. Only to be caught in heavy mist.

“Yes! It worked like I had hoped it would!” exclaimed Steve with excitement. “Now Sneasel, use your strongest Icy Wind, and make it go everywhere on the surface!”

With that, Sneasel jumped straight into the air, gathered energy in its mouth, and shot out a freezing cold ice mist, which mixed with the mist, completely froze anything in hidden in the mist, including Snorunt. The Lake top, now having tons of icy pillars coming out of it, it was like an icy paradise.

“Now Rapidash, use Flare Blitz on the ice pillar that Snorunt is in!” commanded Steve.

With Steve’s command, Rapidash’s bodily flames grew bigger and bigger until they completely covered his body. Then, he charged onto the ice. The heat on his hooves made him not slip and slide all over the ice. Then, he hit Snorunt. The ice shattered into a million tiny pieces, all gleaming in the sunlight.

“Now Sneasel, get behind Snorunt and pound it towards me with another Metal Claw!” Steve said with a fierce voice.

Sneasel’s claw glowed with a bright light, and hit Snorunt square in the back, with powerful force. The attack caused Snorunt to break through many pillars of ice, until he came to a final stop inches away from Steve.

“Thanks you two for the excellent job!” Steve said with gratitude towards his Pokemon.

Steve reached onto his belt for an empty Pokeball. He took it off quickly and pressed the button on the middle, making it grow. Then, he threw the Pokeball at Snorunt, right where the last Metal Claw hit. Snorunt turned into a red, see-through beam, and quickly returned into the Pokeball. The ball, landing on the ice, slide around as it shook. It shook, once, twice, and then went behind an ice pillar to where Steve couldn’t see if he had captured it or not…

-PK
12-17-2007, 02:53 AM
Harro all, I finally got to my Winter Comp Story.

Ok, I was editting it, and I got extremely bored of that, so if a part or two doesn't make sense, sorry ^^;

Pokemon: Snorunt
Needed Characters:10k+
Total Characters:16130 no spaces


Sorry for not putting this on the first post, I couldn't fit it >_>

Elrond
12-26-2007, 01:53 PM
I'm sorry this took so long. I was not expecting to be away from home so much yesterday.


Introduction:

There were really two introductions to your story. The first 'introduction' comprised the first two paragraphs about the legend of the great Ice Trainer. These two paragraphs, because they weren't really part of the storyline, probably should have been separated from the story and named the "Prologue."

The second introduction is the obvious one, the few paragraphs right after this "prologue." Unfortunately, it fell a bit short of the expectations I would have for a story. The only description you gave of the main character was that he always wears white clothes. However, you shouldn't focus on what the main character always does. Rather, you should focus on what he is doing right now. It's all right to say that Steve always wears white clothes, but you need to make a point of showing the reader what the clothes he is wearing at that point in time look like. "White clothes" one day could mean white dress pants, a white Oxford shirt, and a white tie, while the next day, it could be a white t-shirt and shorts. Also remember that you need to describe the main character as fully as possible, and not just the clothes he is wearing.

Secondly, you didn't include a physical description of the setting. While the reader knows that the story takes place in and around Snowpoint City, you need to really detail what everything looks like, so the reader can have a clear picture in their head. What's the weather like? Is there a blanket of light clouds overhead? Or is the cold winter sun shining clearly, without a cloud to hinder it. Just make sure you describe the settin as much as possible.

Story/ Plot:

The plot was all right, but there was a lot more that could have been done with it. Really, you just didn't expand upon it enough. For example, you never gave us a real background on the Elder. One thing I expected to happen was that the Elder somehow had some strange connection to Steve, almost like Dumbledore to Harry Potter, if you read the entire series. But, no, the Elder was just a character who slipped mysteriously in and out; he moved the plot forward a bit and then had no impact whatsoever afterwards.

Another thing you should have focused on was Steve's emotional journey without Sneasel. It seemed a bit unrealistic to me that the Elder would simply give back Sneasel after seeing one of Steve's dreams, and with interest, I might add. Perhaps the fact that that entire scene confused me had a lot to do with it, but there could have been a lot more that went on during Sneasel's absence. For example, the Elder could have trained Steve at a private dojo, only allowing him to use specific Pokemon. Basically, there was a lot of untapped potential in your plot, and that's something you need to work on. Otherwise, it was fairly good.

Detail/Description:

You definitely didn't include as much description as you probably should have in this story, and many of the descriptions you did include were confusing (perhaps because of the lack of other descriptions). For example, I didn't get the concept of the 'ice cage' that formed around Steve during one of the battles with Snorunt. At first, I thought it was like a wall of ice that had just magically formed around him, trapping him inside. Then I thought about it, and I thought that he had fallen in the lake, and the water had re-frozen above him.

Which brings me to my next point. Aside from just giving the reader a good visual of the events that are happening in your story, description is also meant to slow the story down a bit. One of the big reasons I was confused about what happened in the scene I just alluded to is that everything happened so fast. If you had included more detail in the story, I would have been able to see the events better, not just because the description was there, but because I would have had more time to register everything in my brain before the story moved forward.

Grammar/Spelling:

For the most part, you appeared to have a good grasp of grammar. However, there are a few small mistakes I'd like to point out.

His son, now the next generation of the White Hairs, named Steve, has to capture this Snorunt, and regain his fathers honor.

His son, now the next generation of the White Hairs, named Steve, has to capture this Snorunt, and regain his father's honor.

I'm sure this was probably just a typo, but it's a mistake nonetheless. Make sure to watch out for places where you need an apostrophe to make a word possessive.

"Come on out Sneasel!"

"Come on out, Sneasel!"

Whenever a character addresses another character, there needs to be a comma before and after their name, depending on where it falls in the sentence.

Steve said all in one breathe to himself.

Steve said all in one breath to himself.

'Breathe' is a verb. 'Breath' is the noun you were looking for.

Length:

16K is just about right for a Medium capture, so, good job.

Battle:

This was probably the high point of the story, mainly because it was so long and well thought-out. One thing many writers have a problem with is making battles too one-sided, generally in their favor. However, you displayed a good amount of balance in the battle, even giving Snorunt the upper hand quite often. It was good to read a nice, long battle that was creative and exciting, with a variety of attacks and stragies from both sides. One thing I would like to see a bit more of is description of each attack, but that was also pretty well done, for the most part.

Outcome:

This was a rather borderline case, but, because I liked the battle, I'm going to say Snorunt captured. For next time, work on your descriptions and really filling out the storyline with creative plot twists, and you'll do fine. Have fun with your new icy friend!

-PK
12-26-2007, 03:47 PM
Snorunt captured.

w00t! Thank for the grade NN ^^

I will enjoy my icy friend x3

==================

Chapter 1: The Snowpoint Snorunt!--Status[Captured]
Chapter 2: The Diamond Dust--------Status[Incomplete]