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pikahero2
12-19-2007, 09:01 PM
A Pretty Skitty
I'm aiming for a Skitty or Pichu.
5k-10k
1 Chapter in this Story.
Complete
7326 Charcters in total.

***
--------------------------The Story-----------------------------------

In the beautiful Petalburg town, I held my head up high, Hoping that I would soon add another member to my upcoming team. I had many thoughts of which wonderful pokemon I could capture in such a small place with such small time.

"What about a Skitty or a Taillow, Or even both of them."

Though I knew, My mind was playing a devious trick on me, I brought my high head down to see the rigid path on which I was walking on.

"Hello Youngster." Said a Distant Voice

A tall man in a dark black suit, With a small, Yet mysterious smirk on his small face, With black hair, Obviously covered in gel, He walked towards me and as I stood still he came closer.

"Hello, I said, What you be doing' in these parts?" He said demandingly.

I opened my mouth slightly and tilted a tad closer and I replied.

"Hoping to catch a Pokemon, Sir."

"Well you best be trying harder, Young'un" He replied ever so encouragingly.

"I suggest you head home, Boy, because its getting dark here, and you wont be able to defend yourself against the dangerous pokemon of the night. He added cleverly.

"Ok...uh..Thank you for all your help, Sir." I said.

The turned around firmly and starting walking towards the bright, Clear opening between the green trees, I was about to walk towards the opening in spite of my desire to catch a new member for my growing team. I stopped, I turned around and promised deep within myself I would catch a pokemon today.

I wondered around the small, Yet lush woods all day in search of a pokemon, Then what to my wondering eyes should appear? A Skitty had gracefully jumped out of a twiggy bush.

I immediatley brought my hand nearer and closer to the round, Soft pokeball that lay ready for use deep within my pocket. I was nervous.

"Gotta..Stay..Focused" I said calmly to myself.


I took a small step as I crept a small bit closer to the Skitty, As it noticed my feet taking turns at moving one by one, It got a little startled, I believed the elegant little creature was scared and somewhat startled as I crept closer to it.

I finally decided in my head to myself that it was now, Or never. I put a grin on my face as I quickly yet gracefully pulled the pokeball deeply without struggle from my pocket.
I didn't throw straight away as I seen it was very startled, As I decided that I should throw when the time is right. I grasped the pokeball more firmly and got ready to throw I counted silently in my head.

"One,Two,Three, Go!"

I then threw the pokeball, As it spiralled continuously in the air my hopes lay within the pokeball, It came down aerodynamically and hit Skitty on the head softly, As the amazing red aura came out and was in the merge of capturing the helpless Skitty, Who apparently had not an Idea what was going on.
I noticed the red aura had weakened, Skitty had escaped! I was outraged, I was hoping to have caught the skitty on my first try, But I had failed.
I then sent out my trusty Pichu to help me damage the Skitty to make it easier to catch.

As me and my Pichu ran towards the path that Skitty took we had already noticed it was a dead end, Skitty was trapped. I knew this was my last chance to get Skitty before I would be very tired and not able to run after it any further.

Skitty gave a smirk as it prepared for battle, My Pichu had already gotten pumped up my charging up its powerful electric attacks, I felt like I could do it this time, I grasped the Pokeball slowly with my two largest fingers, And took it out of my pockets.

"Pichu, You ready?"

Pichu gave a positive nod and I knew he was up for the battle.

"Ok, Lets start this with a double team"

Pichu quickly multiplied itself in vast numbers my performing this attack, Skitty was very confused and stood her ground, She knew it would take something very hard to stop the double team, Skitty had jumped into the air, And then landed elegantly behind my Pichu, My Pichu stopped the double team with confusion about Skitty's move.

"Ok, Pichu, Your Ok, Lets try a tackle attack!"

My Pichu did an outstanding flip and got behind the back of Skitty before countering it with a superb tackle attack, Skitty was hurt, I didn't want to her Skitty but I longed for a new pokemon, So I went on with the battle, My Pichu was also hurt, I was taking a risk with Pichu being my only pokemon, But, I knew it was a risk I'd just have to go and take.

Skitty's tail started to glow and I was filled with amazement, It was using Iron tail, I knew that it may be the end of the battle for Pichu if the Iron tail had hit my Pichu, But I knew it was never going to be over for me, Not until I caught the Skitty, I still had the chance to take.

"Pichu, C'mon we cans till win this."

Pichu, Looking back gladly, As he turned around my Precious pokemon was hit by Skitty's powerful Iron tail attack.

"No! Pichu!"

I thought my little Pichu was a goner, I knew he would never survive such a brutal and powerful attack such as Iron Tail, So I chose that I would use Pichu's most powerful attack, An attack we have never trained with, Nor have I either seen, Only heard, Volt tackle. I knew such an attack would take way too much valuable energy from my Pichu when he needed it most, In the middle of the long battle. I knew if Pichu was going to use this attack he would have to save it till the very end of the battle, When he not much more to give or to lose.

While thinking I had not noticed the damage done by Skitty to my Pichu, He was on the ground, It was fatal, I knew I'd have to help him but Skitty was too sleek and powerful to beat, I seen a rock next to were Skitty was standing and I had an idea.

Pichu had regained some of his well earned health back and was good enough to give it another shot at taking down the small creature.
Then, My Pichu had turned around and as I smirked at him with pleaseant smirk, I shouted.

"You know what you got to do, Pichu!"

Pichu had taken light grip to the ground that lay around him and as he jumped into the air, He landed on the rigid rock to Skitty's Backside, He hit Skitty with an unbeleivably powerful Thundershock, I knew that he may have used all his energy for that, But Volt tackle was what I knew would finish Skitty off for good and get me the new pokemon.

Skitty was lying helplessly on the hard ground on which she stood on, I knew it could easily get up without hesitation, It looked hurt, But I couldn't of taken the dangerous risk of getting my Pichu hurt to help another pokemon.

Pichu finish this off with a Volt Tackle!

Pichu had started to glow with the energy inside him charging from the Volt Tackle, Skitty was regaining health fast too, So we didn't have much time to charge.
Pichu then stopped glowing, I knew he had the strength, He ran towards skitty while electric currents ran off his cheecks as he ran, Quickly his body had a great wave of electricity around it and then as he had tackled Skitty, I knew that Skitty was mine.

I threw the Pokeball and again it had Spiraled ever so ligthly in the air and as it came closer to be in contact with Skitty, Its red aura had quickly taken Skitty, The Pokeball had rolled, Once,Twice and the third time...

Draconic_Espeon
12-25-2007, 09:40 PM
Story/Plot: Before anything else, Iíll tell youódonít put that you already caught the Pokemon at the end. Instead, end with something along the lines of ďand the Pokeball wiggledÖĒ I wonít count off for it, or make you redo it if you donít want to, but it bothers some graders, and they might. Just something to look out for in the future.

As far as your plot goes, itís not all that exciting, but then, most first stories arenít. I know mine wasnít. Your character simply happens to be looking for a Pokemon, talks to a random man who happens to be walking down the road, and finds a Skitty. In the future, I highly suggest that you put more thought into what happens, for the plot is one of, if not the, most important parts of a story. Even if youíre just going for a Caterpie, graders love to see a good plot. Youíll be more likely to get that Pokemon if you spice up the plot some. For example, in this, maybe you could have done something like, while you are trying to capture the Skitty, the man shows up again and reveals that he is a part of {Insert Random Evil Team Name Here} and tries to capture the Skitty instead. You manage to fight him off, maybe even by having the Skitty join forces with your Pichu, and then you have a friendly battle. Something as simple as that adds a lot to the story, so really think about what you write.

Introduction: You didnít have much of one, to be truthful. You gave the setting, and that was about it. A good introduction not only describes the setting and the main character, but it is what hooks a reader into your story and makes them want to read it. You may be thinking, ďWell, why do I care if it hooks my readers? Itís not like Iím writing for people to read it, I just want my Pokemon.Ē In truth, no, not very many people read a URPG story besides the graders. But, having things like a hook that draws in your reader will help you to get a grade earlier. Why? People like to read good stories that draw them in. If you pay any attention to how quickly a story is graded, youíll notice that stories by popular writers, like Rocket Meowth, PhantomKat, and Megumi, get graded more quickly than the regular stories do, because the graders know that they write interesting stories that are fun to read. Adding that extra time and effort helps you get your Pokemon quicker, whether it is by adding a hook, or using vivid description, or having interesting plots.

Another thing you need to work on is describing your character. I honestly didnít know if they were a boy or a girl, until the man called him a boy, nor do I know the characterís name, or what he looks like. These kinds of details can sometimes be hard to incorporate into a first-person story, but they are essential. The story is less interesting if we donít know who the characters are, and it is more difficult to relate with them. But, when you do describe your characters, try and stay away from the simple list description, because it takes away from the flow of the story. Here are a few examples of what I mean.

My name is Daniel Dorager, and Iím a Pokemon Trainer. I have black hair and brown eyes, and Iím twelve years old. Today, I decided to catch my first Pokemon.

That is a typical list description, using one of my characters. See? Not very interesting, though it technically does the job. What you want to aim for, though, is something like this.

Night was slowly creeping up on me, and, as the forest grew darker, I was getting more desperate. I strained my brown eyes to see, trying to catch even a fleeting glimpse of a Pokemon I could capture. Low branches clawed at my scalp, almost to the point that I was sure they would rip out tufts of my jet-black hair. Fear began to well up within me, but I pushed it back. If a little darkness and some trees scared me, how could I, Daniel Dorager, call myself a trainer? I was twelve years old, for crying out loud! I wasnít going to let myself be afraid of the dark.

This second paragraph is a lot more interesting, but I still said the same things about Daniel. This is what you need to aim for. At first, itíll be hard, but just keep working on it. Eventually, youíll get to where you can do great introductions. Also, if youíre having trouble, try reading the beginnings of other stories. See how they incorporate descriptions of their characters in the beginning.

Grammar: This, unfortunately, was probably where you did worst. You had several major problems here that went all the way through the story. The first was random capitalization. Only capitalize the first letter of a word if it begins a sentence, like after a period, question mark, or exclamation point, of if the word is a proper noun, like a name, or the species name of a Pokemon. Keep to those rules, and youíll be fine. Another main flaw is run-on sentences. This is where you jumble sentences together, when they should be separate. One good thing, though, is that, usually, you separate the tow sentences with a comma. You made the sentences confusing as well. Some of the words seemed jumbled, like you meant to put something, but had something else, and made the whole sentence confusing. This has a lot to do with how you arrange words, and the best way to get better is through a combination of practice, reading, and proofreading. You need to practice writing, read other stories or books so that you get a better idea of how things fit together, and proofread your story to make sure everything makes sense. If you need to, try asking a friend or family member to proofread your stories, because a fresh pair of eyes can spot mistakes you, as the writer, may not have seen.

Now, onto correcting.

A tall man in a dark black suit, With a small, Yet mysterious smirk on his small face, With black hair, Obviously covered in gel, He walked towards me and as I stood still he came closer.

The way you wrote the sentence makes it difficult to make sense of it. Switching around words and dividing up sentences can take care of the confusion.

A tall man in a dark black suit walked towards me with a small, but mysterious, smirk on his face. His hair was black, and obviously covered in gel. I stood still as he came closer.

Doesnít that make more sense? It just takes practice and a little understanding of sentence structure to get it all right.

Another problem you had was correctly punctuating dialogue.

"Well you best be trying harder, Young'un" He replied ever so encouragingly.

"I suggest you head home, Boy, because its getting dark here, and you wont be able to defend yourself against the dangerous pokemon of the night. He added cleverly.

After sentences in quotations that end in a period, make the period a comma, and donít capitalize the word after. Also, if the same person says two sets of dialogue, you donít need to make a new paragraph for the second one. Also, what the man says contradicts itself. First he says to work harder, then he says to go home. Which should he say to do? The taglines, the parts that say who is talking, also seem to be arranged strangely. How does saying ĎI suggest you head home because you canít defend against the Pokemon of the nightí sound clever? Maybe a warning, yes, but not exactly clever. Make sure everything matches up.

There were other small things, like not capitalizing Pokemon, forgetting apostrophes in contractions, and misspelling words, that can be easily fixed by running your story through a spell check. If you donít have word, you can try looking for one on the Internet by using a search engine like Google and typing in ďSpell CheckĒ.

If youíre having trouble with anything, feel free to PM me, or take a look at the How to Write Stories (Ēhttp://www.pokemonelite2000.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8445Ē) thread.

Length: Meh, itís good. Length isnít all that important, and besides, length comes along with being able to use good description and having good plots. Work on the other parts of your story before you even begin to worry about this.

Description: I can tell that you really tried in this area, which is what I like to see. But, thereís still plenty of room for improvement. You added in a lot of the characterís own feelings, which is wonderful, but you also need to work on the descriptions of what he sees. What do the woods look like? Are there trees everywhere, or just a few? Are there bushes? Is it dark and scary? Are the leaves blue, instead of green? The story is dependant on the description for life and realism, so donít forget to say what everything looks like. But, again, stray away from list descriptions if at all possible. Incorporate them into the action, to keep the story from getting dull.

Also, describe Pokemon. Is most every reader going to know what a Skitty and a Pichu look like? Well, yeah, probably, but it is a good habit to describe the Pokemon anyway. And, you can always make the Pokemon a little different, too. Maybe this Skitty has silkier fur than a normal Skitty has, or maybe the Pichu has larger ears. Little variations like this gives the Pokemon character, and makes it less monotonous.

Battle: Not bad. I really think this was your best section. You described the attacks pretty well, especially Volt Tackle. One thing I noticed, though, is that it seemed really dramatic, especially when the Skitty hit Pichu with the Iron Tail. It almost seemed as though the attack was going to kill the Pichu, when really, it was only the first time Pichu was hit. Donít make things seem worse than they should be, because it takes away from the storyís realism. Not to say that drama isnít good, just donít use it when itís not necessary. Also, in the future, make the battle longer. Only a couple attacks were exchanged, and Skitty only used one. Let the opposing Pokemon get in more attacks, and give it a bit more of a chance. If you can, use the setting more as well. Have the Pokemon jumping off of trees, or skidding in the dirt. Maybe the grass is thick, and they have trouble moving. Itís up to you.

Outcome: It was close, but Skitty Captured! Because I believe it is your first graded story, plus itís Christmas, I decided to go kinda easy on you. But, in the future, donít forget what Iíve said. Really work on your wording and description, okay? Anyway, enjoy the little kitten, and have a very merry Christmas! ^^

pikahero2
12-25-2007, 09:48 PM
Thanks alot, Draconic Espeon. I really appreciate the grade.

Oh, and I'm taking note of what you said, and I'm going to try harder on it.