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Grimm Reaper
12-22-2007, 06:22 PM
Chapter 1
The Beginning

Grimm was a young boy at the age of 10 old enough to start his own Pokemon Adventure now, This is what he has dreamed about since he came into this world. Gimm just received his very first Pokemon from his father. Grimm's father was a very great Pokemon Trainer and currently owns his own Gym. Grimm has always dreamed off becoming a great Pokemon Trainer like his father and even beating him in a battle one day. Grimm then got up and looked at himself in the mirror. He see a great young lad light blonde hair wairing his favourite white tracksuit that his parents bought him last Christmas. He then looked in the mirror again and said "Ok I have been waiting for this all my life and now it has finally come! I know I'm ready!" So Grimm took one last breath and waved good bye to his mum and set off on his dream to become a Pokemon Master like his father. Everyone in Grimms home town could see that him and his trust worth Squirtle would destiny-bound to become great trainers. Grimm then started walking down the very first path on his way to Genoa Town. Grimm stopped for a second as he heard his name being shouted in the distance he turnt around and he saw his mum come running behind up shouting "Grimm, Grimm wait a minute," What is it replied Grimm. Grimm's mum stopped and smiled as she handed over a gift to Grimm, the gift was wrapped up in old Christmas Wrapping, Grimm stated to his mum that it is a bit early to be giving out Christmas Presents. Grimm's mum just told Grimm to open it up and look for himself, So Grimm opened the wrapping and there it was in his hand something he has always wanted since he was a baby, "His very own Pokedex" Grimm smiled and hugged his mum to say thank you. Grimm then put the pokedex in his back pocket smiled again and told his mum "I will not let you or dad down, I promise" Grimm's Mum smiled and put her hands over her eyes to stop her from crying as Grimm once again set off dissapearing into the distance land ahead ready to start his amazing Pokemon adventure.

As the light blue sky turned to dark blue sky and the wind got a lot stronger Grimm knew that in about 10 minute it was about to start raining. Grimm looked around the land looking for somewhere to take refuge for the night, he knew that he couldn't go back to his house and start off again tommorow. "What would they think of me if they see me return already" Grimm said to himself. The strong wind then suddenly blew in the direction to his left and he saw a great dark cave. Grimm thought about it before he quickly rushed in but then it started to rain and he knew that he has no choice but to take refuge in the cave until the rain stops. Grimm ran into the cave he looked around before taking his first step into the cave "Looks ok to spend the night in" Grimm then sat down in the cave and said to himself "It could only happen to me, the day I start my adventure it starts raining!" Grimm then got his Pokeball out of his bag and held up to his face "You my friend (looking at the Pokeball that held his pokemon Squirtle in) me and you friend are going to go the big stages we will become Pokemon Masters I just know it" Grimm then took another look around the cave but this time he see some big white eyes pop up from the back of the cave. He got his torch out his bag and shined over to where he see the eyes and there was on big Geodude! Before he could move a muscle Geodude come flying in with one mighty tackle, luckily Grimm quickly jumped out of the way. Grimm then stood up holding the Pokeball that had Squirtle in his hand "So you wanna play rough then do ya, well I can play rough as well mate!" Grimm then threw his Pokeball holding Squirtle to the ground below causing a big red light and out come his new friend Squirtle!

Squirtle, Squirt!, Geodude then came straight at Squirtle with another tackle. "DODGE IT SQUIRTLE" Shouted Grimm. Squirtle jumped out the way "Ok now use Water Gun" shouted Grimm again. Squirtle then opened his mouth and shot a heep of water straight at the rock Pokemon. Knowing that rock Pokemon like Geodude are weak agaisnt water attacks Grimm smiled and then grabbed another empty Pokeball from his bag and threw it at the dazed Geodude hoping for his very first catch!

FireflyK
12-27-2007, 08:53 PM
Introduction: Your introduction gives us a lot of information about Grimm. It does, however, seem a bit run togethor. In the future, I suggest starting your story with something other than description. ^^: Don't get me wrong, it is very important to give us details about your trainer during the early portion of your story, but sometimes, it is better to have the first sentence be something a bit more exciting, to draw the reader in. In a beginning-the-journey story, there are lots of ways to add this to the beginning. Your character could be counting down the seconds until he goes to get his Pokemon, or happily trying to decide which to choose, or even walking down the road to the Professor's when, to his great dismay, he hears his parents calling after him to come back and do one last chore first! Whatever you choose, try to open your story with some sort of action, or at least something relating to what is currently going on with your character, not the past.

Plot: Kid turns 10, gets a Pokemon, goes off on his journey, looks for a place to sleep, and finds a Pokemon. This isn't very complicated, but it is your first story and for a simple Pokemon, so it's fine. Try to add a twist to the plot next time, though.

Grammar: This is where your troubles appear. First, I suggest running a spell check, as in one instance, you even left out a letter in your character's name. It isn't a big deal to have a few spelling errors, but if you have microsoft word or another program that can fix this, I'd suggest using it.

Now, as to grammar. Your story has a lot of description and other such good things, but not always stated in the best way.

Grimm was a young boy at the age of 10 old enough to start his own Pokemon Adventure now, This is what he has dreamed about since he came into this world.
This sentence is a bit run on, and jumps around quite a bit. First we learn that Grimm is 1. That's okay, but immediately after that you say 'old enough to start his own Pokemon Adventure'. Well, first, adventure doesn't really need to be capitalized. ^^; Also, there's no transition. Why not try putting in a word to ease us between the two ideas, or better yet, re-organize the sentence a little?

Though most children look forward to getting to begin their Pokemon journey, turning 10 was even more exciting for Grimm. He had dreamed of being a trainer ever since he came into the world.

I like how you use some unusual phrases, such as 'came into this world' instead of was born. I just think a little transition between those phrases would be good. For example, while your original sentence mentioned both that Grimm was 10, and old enough to start his journey, you didn't really connect those, or tell us that Grimm was old enough to start
because he was 10. Try to remember transitions, and don't let your sentences get too long.


. Gimm just received his very first Pokemon from his father. Grimm's father was a very great Pokemon Trainer and currently owns his own Gym. Grimm has always dreamed off becoming a great Pokemon Trainer like his father and even beating him in a battle one day. Grimm then got up and looked at himself in the mirror.
The first three sentences are pure description. Now, detail is a very good thing, but it is better if you can avoid lumping it all in one place. Try to let the details of Grimm's life be unveiled slowly. Telling us that he just recieved his first Pokemon is good, but if you want to also add all the detail about his father right there, why not at least put it in Grimm's view? For example:
Opening his eyes slowly, Grimm grinned. 'I can't wait to get going!' he thought to himself, as he got out of bed. Grimm had recieved his first Pokemon from his father the night before, a brave little Squirtle. 'I'm glad dad gave me a Pokemon- he has his own gym, so he must know how to train good Pokemon. I just hope I can do as well. Maybe I'll even beat him in a battle someday!'

This is basically the same information you put, but it helps the reader relate more to Grimm because it is his thoughts, not just something that an unseen narrator tells us about Grimm. ^^; You could, of course, stick with talking about things from a 3rd person view, but I'd still suggest relating them to Grimm. For example,
Grimm had just recieved his first Pokemon from his father, a gym leader. Most kids got to choose a Pokemon from a professor, but Grimm was happy with the Squirtle his father had given him. After all, his dad was a gym leader, so Grimm trusted that he knew how to find and train good Pokemon. If only he could be as good of a trainer as his father! Then maybe one day he and Squirtle could beat his father in a battle.

"I'd better get going if I want to get as good as dad. I won't get stronger just by sitting here and daydreaming!" Grimm told himself aloud, and rolled out of bed.



!" Grimm then got his Pokeball out of his bag and held up to his face "You my friend (looking at the Pokeball that held his pokemon Squirtle in) me and you friend are going to go the big stages we will become Pokemon Masters I just know it"
Try not to use paranthesis to describe actions. If you can integrate the action into the sentence, that would work better.

Grimm took Squirtle's Pokeball out of his bag, and held it up to his face. "You, my friend," he said, looking at the Pokeball, "you and me are going to go to the big stages. We'll be Pokemon Masters- I just know it!"

Also, remember to punctuate after dialogue/speech. There should be a period inside the "quotations".

Length: A bit short- 4200 characters. Simple Pokemon require 5000-10,000 characters. Since this is your story, being a little below this is fine, but if you could push the story to 4500, that would be very good.


Battle: Stumbling across Geodude was an interesting way to start a battle. You should try to use more description, especially of attacks, though.

Before he could move a muscle Geodude come flying in with one mighty tackle, luckily Grimm quickly jumped out of the way.
This sentence has a contradiction. ^^: You mention that Geodude came flying before Grimm could move a muscle... But also that Grimm jumped out of the way? If he couldn't move before the tackle, but evaded it, you might want to mention it in a bit of a different way. Also, Geodude 'came' flying, not come flying.


"So you wanna play rough then do ya, well I can play rough as well mate!"
I had to comment on this. I loved this line. People tend to have distinct speech patterns, and one of the things that is consistent about your character is how he talks, which I like. =)


Squirtle, Squirt!, Geodude then came straight at Squirtle with another tackle. "DODGE IT SQUIRTLE" Shouted Grimm.

Squirtle's speech should be in something. If you don't want to use quotes like you would for a human, you can use sometihng else, but dialogue should always be set apart from the text somehow. Also, try to use more varied attacks than just tackle. Another thing you could do to help with some more description would be to have Grimm be more specific than just ordering Squirtle to dodge. Perhaps the Geodude has lowered his head as he tackles Squirtle, and Grimm could cleverly order him to jump over Geodude? Or perhaps he could tell Squirtle to dodge towards an object in the cave that he could use for cover, or distraction? Whatever you do, try to add lots of variety to your battles.

Squirtle jumped out the way "Ok now use Water Gun" shouted Grimm again.
Squirtle jumped OUT of the way. ^^; Also, this is run on. Put a period after 'way'. And a comma between Gun and the " please. Dialogue should be punctuated, just like anything else. Also, if someone new is speaking, start a new paragraph. It keeps your sentences frmo being too clumped togethor.

Squirtle then opened his mouth and shot a heep of water straight at the rock Pokemon.
Much better. This is more descriptive. But what happens when it hits? Does Geodude flinch, or try to get away? Does the water throw him back into the wall of the cave, or does it simply knock him down? Maybe he fights his way through the stream, towards Squirtle, to fight back? Also, don't just give us the sights. Descibe the sounds and feels of what is going on. Have you ever seen a waterfall over rocks? Water can be unusually loud when it hits something solid and rock-like.


Result: Your battle was good. It could have used a bit more length and description, though. In fact, your story was a bit short, and have several grammatical errors. ^^; I'm sorry, but Geodude was not captured. If you'd like any more advice on fixing this, PM or IM me, and i'll gladly help. Or, you can let me know when you want this to be regraded.