Missions from Envy

[envyXD]

The swarms of Yanma seemed to burst out of the top of the thick forest creating such a noise that a few flinched and collided with another knocking both off balance to the slightest. To one side of the large forest stood a solid rock mountain ledge that seemed to end and then drop at a full 90 degree angle; the only part that wasn’t was the ledge half way down that stuck out a few feet. Standing on that small ledge was a boy with blue-ish silver hair, a black shirt with blue flames along the bottom and the sleeves, and black cargo pants named by many as Envy. Standing by his side was his orange fire type monkey pokemon; Chimchar, or as he liked to call him, Agu. He put a hand inside his pocket and pulled out the small PDA he carried with him a lot. Drawing out the stylus from the top he tapped the screen several times as he re-read a message giving him details on a certain pokemon he wished to find and attempt to capture. He looked to his pokemon and both nodded as they looked up calling down a Fearow Envy had borrowed to take him to the lake. The large bird squawked as it soared down sharply picking up both the Chimchar and its partner in its large talons.

As the soared down towards a lake on the opposite side of the forest, Envy drew a pair of binoculars from around his neck, under his shirt, and looked over the clear waters surface. Only Magikarp could be seen and the occasional Remoraid. Within seconds, the Fearow dropped the two as it was only feet away from the ground before flying off again back towards the mountain to rest until Envy’s job was done. Chimchar climbed onto his shoulder as they began walking around the lake’s edge, still nothing but Magikarp and Remoraid, only now with the one or two Mantyke seen swimming under water. Looking at the PDA once again he checked several other pieces of information. “Agu…are you prepared for a fight?” Envy spoke sternly like always as he drew an empty pokeball from his pocket in preparation. Chimchar nodded its head then turned to the lake’s surface. “Then use Ember on the surface until our target pokemon appears.” Once again Chimchar nodded as it drew in a deep breath and sent out blazing embers from its mouth at the lake. Magikarp leapt out of the water unable to bear the heat first, Mantyke would leap out temporarily to send a weak Icebeam into the air and some would even take shots at Agu with bubbles who easily dodged the attacks. Seconds passed before the blue sea slug pokemon known as Shellos jumped out of the lake glaring fiercely at Agu who stopped his Ember attack. “Ok now this battle’s on.”

Before giving a chance to command an attack, the Shellos attacked first with a Mud bomb catching Chimchar off guard hitting him hard and quickly followed up by firing off a Water pulse. “Agu, defend yourself with Flamethrower.” Like before Chimchar took a deep breath, only more this time and as the air escaped its lungs, a powerful stream of fire burst from its mouth and hit the Water pulse midair cancelling the attack as the fire carried on and struck Shellos hard. “Follow it up with Fury swipes.” As soon as the fire surrounding Shellos faded Chimchar had leapt forwards and within a single second was scratching away furiously as Shellos. After a few strong swipes Chimchar was shaken off of Shellos and jumped back to its previous position. A small section on Shellos’s back indicated the Flamethrower had left a burn. Shellos seemed to smirk evilly at Chimchar and Envy as it closed its eyes as it began to sparkle and glow a bright yellow. “Damn, Agu use Leer whilst it recovers.” Even whilst Envy spoke, Shellos’s wounds, except for the burn mark, seemed to vanish. Chimchar glared at Shellos as it seemed to shake for a second indicating that Chimchar’s physical attacks would do more damage. The glow faded seeing Shellos all but fully restored, it flinched as the burn it received earlier took its effect. Shellos’s head swung back as it seemed to screech as a large murky brown wave came up from the lack. Envy swore under his breath realising it was all but over. “Agu! Flame wheel before it’s too late!” Chimchar’s gaze was fixed on the wave for a second before it shook its head and ran forwards slightly before jumping in the air and spinning whilst it seemed to catch fire. It collided with Shellos head on giving a critical hit but only a second later the Muddy water attack hit Chimchar sending it hurtling back towards Envy who caught the monkey in his hands. Seeing the Shellos with heavy damage he prepared himself for a final tactic before capture. He set Chimchar down who stumbled on his feet. “Taunt him Agu; we don’t want him using Recover.” Almost as if reading his mind, Shellos closed its eyes right after Agu seemed to pull a face, the image stuck in Shellos’s mind causing it to open its eyes again making it lose concentration. Envy prepared the pokeball and threw it at the weakened and unable to recover Shellos. It was taken into the ball as it shook...

[FireflyK]

Introduction: Your story begins with a bit of excitement, which draws the reader in. This is good. Also, you told us enough about your character for us to get an idea of who he and his Chimchar are. Good work. =)

Plot: A boy sees some Yanma, looks for a certain pokemon, finds it, and attacks and catches it. This isn't very complicated, but for a Simple Pokemon, it's sufficient. The details did help- describing the environment and a few other Pokemon before the one you want to catch was good.

Grammar: This was where you had a few problems.
The swarms of Yanma seemed to burst out of the top of the thick forest creating such a noise that a few flinched and collided with another knocking both off balance to the slightest.
This is a bit awkward. The sentence is very long, and should have several commas added, or be shortened. Also, the end of the sentence really doesn't fit. Knocking both off balance 'to the slightest' doesn't sound quite right.
The swarms of Yanma seemed to burst out of the top of the thick forest. The noise their beating wings made was such that some of the bugs actually flinched. To Envy's surprise, a few Yanma collided with each other, knocking each other slightly off balance.


Length: Slightly short, but for a first attempt, this is long enough.


Writing style: A few of the sentences in this story really stood out. The description of the mountain ledge was very good. To one side of the large forest stood a solid rock mountain ledge that seemed to end and then drop at a full 90 degree angle; the only part that wasn’t was the ledge half way down that stuck out a few feet.
These sort of details really make a story stand out, because it makes it easy to picture what's happening.


Some sentences, though, could have used a bit of work. I noticed a few grammar and comma issues you seemed to make several times, so I've pointed them out below. Since it is your first story I didn't take off anything because of them, I just corrected them so you would know for next time.

He put a hand inside his pocket and pulled out the small PDA he carried with him a lot. Drawing out the stylus from the top he tapped the screen several times as he re-read a message giving him details on a certain pokemon he wished to find and attempt to capture.
Some things require lots of description, but taking out a PDA isn't really one of them, nor do we really need to know how often he carries it. ^^; Sometimes, simple is best- things you describe seem more important if you don't put lots of description into every action your character performs. Just tell us that he pulled out his PDA and checked a message about capturing a certain Pokemon.


The large bird squawked as it soared down sharply picking up both the Chimchar and its partner in its large talons.
Using something to replace names/proper nouns adds variety, but you have to be careful not to let it get confusing. Using 'its' twice in such a small sentence, to describe two different characters, makes it a bit hard to read. This could be misread as the bird picking up the Chimchar, it[the chimchar's] partner.... In the Chimchar's claws? In this case, I'd suggest just saying "Chimchar and Envy", or if the Fearow is female, "The large bird squawked as she soared down sharply, picking up both Envy and his Pokemon in her large talons".

Only Magikarp could be seen and the occasional Remoraid.
Envy is seeing two things here- Magikarp and the occaisonal remoraid. You've split that group up here. Adding more information is good, but some things shouldn't be split.

Magikarp and Remoraid are the direct object of the sentence. That means the action (being seen) is happening to them. Because of this, the two should stay togethor, unless you put the action a second time with the mention of Remoraid. Here's a few ways to avoid those awkward DirectObject splits, just so you know for next time:
Only Magikarp and the occaisonal Remoraid could be seen.
At first it appeared that only Magikarp could be seen, but as he gazed around, Envy also spotted a few Remoraid"


Within seconds, the Fearow dropped the two as it was only feet away from the ground before flying off again back towards the mountain to rest until Envy’s job was done.

Again, you've split something that shouldn't be separated. ^^; The fearow dropped the two, then flew off. The part you put between that, though, lacks a transition.
"The fearow dropped the two as it was only feet away from the ground before flying..."
Reading this aloud, it sounds a bit like a run-on sentence.
The fearow dropped the two, since it was only feet away from the ground, before flying...
This way, you have a transition word- something to show you that these actions are sequential, or happening in order, aside from the 'description' portion about the Fearow's location to the ground.
Another way would be to avoid splitting the actions up.
As it was only a few feet away from the ground, the Fearow was able to drop the two within seconds, before flying back to the mountains to rest. It knew Envy would call for it when he needed it.
It sounds a bit awkward, but I didn't want to make you use a gender noun if you don't want to. ^^; Anyway, This separates the description of Fearow's location from the two actions it does. I also made a new sentence to encompass why Fearow flew back to the mountain, since adding the reasoning to that sentence would have made it run on.

You seem to use a lot of complex sentences, but very few commas. I'd suggest adding a few if you want to write long sentences. One of the most common uses for a comma is when adding description that doesn't fit into the rest of the sentence. For example:

The Fearow, who Envy had borrowed, flew swiftly down the side of the cliff.
The 'main' sentence is the Fearow flying down the side of the cliff. However, if you also wanted to mention that was a borrowed Pokemon, this gives you a way to say it without disrupting the sentence. A good way to check if this works is to read a sentence without the part between the commas. In this case, it would read 'The fearow flew swiftly down the side of the cliff'. This sentence sounds perfectly normal this way, so this shows that it is grammatically correct even with the part in commas (assuming that part is okay). This seems simple, but when you start using words like "I' or "me', sometimes it is good to have a way to check that you've used the right one.


Result: Shellos captured! While you made several grammatical mistakes, this was good for a first attempt at a story. In your next story, keep using lots of description, but try to make most of the description be about the things you want your reader to 'see' in their mind or really focus on. (Unless it is a technological wonder, we probably don't need lots of detail about a PDA/other handheld technological item). Also, try to work on your grammar some. I look forward to seeing another story about Envy. =)