PDA

View Full Version : Taillow Troubles


pikahero2
12-24-2007, 07:26 PM
Going for Taillow
9712 characters.
5-10k Characters required.
Complete.

Introduction

In the long, dark bus, I was sitting uncomfortably around other strangers, weird people, as they sat there, some smoking their horrible cigars, and some wearing their posh hats, with their dull, grey skin. I was petrified, knowing anyone of them could just correct me about the way I was even sitting, and it was horrible.
But I wasn't going to let that get in the way of my strong ambition to get to the wonderful Slateport City, to see the sites, have some fun, and most importantly raise my pokemon. I knew it would be fun whatever happened. But I didn't want to get too full of myself.


***


As I got off the bus, wearing my white shirt, my navy blue genes, and my dark grey sneakers, I had my hair spiked up a little with a rather small bit of gel, making it look really shiny at some places. I glanced around all of Slateport City, With the huge dock, all the magnificently sized ships, and I then seen a market, it was full of brown, square box's, much more lively people carrying the box's off. The city had so many people, young and old, the water was a crystal clear blue color. It had so many flowers, the flower fields were like rainbows, because of all the colors.

knowing that it would be one great Christmas for me. I started walking normally towards a tourist centre, when I seen it, a rather weird looking wanted poster, “Have you seen this bandit? A small innocent looking Taillow taking your Christmas presents? Rewards are given!” is what it said.

“Hmm…interesting…” I said to myself.

“Yeah, fascinating, especially since it’s just a small pokemon.” A girl next to me said.
She was wearing a pink tracksuit top, with matching pink, fuzzy tracksuit bottoms, with various small white spots, placed randomly on the pink tracksuit. She had shiny, silky brown hair, she had two ponytails, one on each side of her head.

“Excuse me?” I said, not knowing why she said it to me.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I just …ah…I just have a thing with interesting stuff.” She explained.

She walked off quickly, as if she was late for an important meeting or something.
I was somewhat suspicious, but I knew if I could catch that mischievous Taillow, I could be helping tons of needy people.

I started walking down a dark, long ally, in it I could hear quiet shrieks from pokemon, I was quite scared and didn’t know what to do, I kept on walking down until the very end when I seen a small shadow lurking beside a trash can, I walked closer towards the small shadow when a small innocent looking Taillow came out. It was a bit darker blue than normal; the scarlet red around its eye’s was like a sneaky bandits mask, It had yellow feet, with sharp, black claws. Its bill was very small for a Taillow and it was a very dark yellow instead of a bright one, it had small adorable eyes. Everything else made it look scary, but the eyes were adorable.

“…” I said to myself worried.

“Tai…tai..Taillow!” the small Taillow cried.

“TAILLOW!” It then screamed.


As it screamed its huge and stubborn cry, It flew up into the air, I knew I would never be able to catch it on foot, so with a little thinking I sent out my trusty Ponyta, it’s flames were burning brighter than ever. I then confidently and quickly jumped onto my Ponyta’s back.

“Yah! Giddy up Boy!” I shouted to my Ponyta

As my trusty Ponyta warmed himself up, and got ready to roll he quickly started trotting. Then doing a light gallop, then going into a full-speed gallop so we could catch up with Taillow, I thought I had lost Taillow for a moment or two as he soared up past the clouds in hope that we would soon lose him.
***

As I had seen Ponyta was slowly losing energy I knew that I was going to have to finish the chase on foot, I knew also that I wouldn’t be able to stop him if I was on foot, unless I had stopped him from flying so high.

I wasn’t sure what I had to do but I knew hitting him with an attack would be one of my more effective options. As I thought my idea through I sent out my Squirtle to see if it could hit Taillow with a nice carefully aimed water gun.

I seen Taillow was speeding up by far, I knew we would never catch the mischievous
little creature at this point.


“Come on, Ponyta, Lets beat this no-good Taillow!” I said furiously.

Ponyta gave a nod, by the nod; I knew it was an “Ok, I’ll try.” Type of nod.

As Ponyta speeded up greatly I thought we had a chance, Taillow was either slowing down, or we were catching up, and fast.

“Alright, Squirtle I think its time for a nice water gun, aim and take it away!”

Squirtle gave a nod; it was spot on and I knew he had no disagreement to what I said.
As my Squirtle put his head in a position for an attack he carefully aimed the water gun at Taillow’s wing to make it fall closer to the ground.

Squirtle took a huge breath and unleashed a powerful water gun, as it was travelling at great speed it quickly travelled through the clouds, and just as it was about to hit Taillow.
Taillow had noticed, as Taillow tried to turn around and dodge the powerful water gun, the small Taillow had virtually no time and was hit rapidly, as Taillow fell quickly and dramatically out of the sky, between the gap of the dark, white clouds, It was getting closer and closer to reaching the ground, but then, it start moving again, moving towards the forest, as it got lower and lower but still while flying in a direction it soon entered the forest.

Ponyta was starting to slow down, I told him to stop. I knew this was a risk if Taillow got his energy back while I was running. Quickly I sent Ponyta and Squirtle into their pokeballs. Then I started to jog, turning it into a harsh run, I ran as an fast as possible without making mistakes, I was amazed by how fast I could run, especially after not running for a long while, I soon was in range to touch taillow, but I knew I was not just going to grab it and be the new “Sherlock Holmes. ” or something like that.
Taillow had gained some energy and was slowly picking up some speed. Knowing that it would soon out speed me meant I had to move fast, fast enough from allowing it time to get away that is.
***

I slowly yet firmly grasped the red and white Pokeball with my Eevee on the inside of the Pokeball, I had already saved a bright blue and mint green Pokeball, which I was told by the Pokemart worker was called a “Great Ball”, for the mischievous little Taillow.

Taillow was very close to me, if I could just reach it I knew that Taillow would be mine.

“Go Pikachu!” I shouted

My Pikachu was similar to any other Pikachu, except with a black spike design on his ears, his red cheecks were a slightly lighter shade of red.
He had two brown stripes on his back, instead of having three like a normal Pikachu, he was mainly yellow, with a lightning bolt shaped tail.

My Pikachu had came flying out of his Pokeball all ready for the battle that was waiting for him, as he started running comfortably beside me he started to get much faster than me, I could see Taillow got his energy back and was about to take off flying high again, so I knew this was my last chance.

“Pikachu, try with a quick attack!” I demanded to my Pikachu
Pikachu quickly came side to side with Taillow, though not as high as Taillow flew, Pikachu soon jumped and tried to use a powerful quick attack on Taillow to send him flying to the rigid ground, but Taillow quickly swifted out of the way and skilfully dodged and Pikachu had fell over onto the ground.

“Pikachu, You okay?” I asked my Pikachu in shock.

Pikachu gave a slight nod as he shook his head with pain.

“Pikachu, stop if you need to, its ok.” I said to my Pikachu.

My Pikachu got up and without hesitation started running quickly again, I was shocked that my Pikachu would take such a risk, especially when he was already hurt from the nasty fall.

“Pikachu, try another quick attack!” I asked my Pikachu.

Pikachu slowly and quietly gave a positive looking nod, I knew he was up for it the rigorous battle, I just didn't think I wanted to see him get hurt.

Pikachu, struggling with some pain, started to recharge himself quickly so he could use a quick attack on Taillow while it was down low enough to hit.
Pikachu quickly then jumped from behind Taillow and with a lot of strength, focus and power put into it, Pikachu’s quick attack hit Taillow critically and Taillow then fell to the ground harshly.

“Good job, Pikachu, awesome work!” I said to my Pikachu, proudly.

As Taillow slowly got up, it was still falling a little from the rigorous pain it felt when it got attacked by my Pikachu, Then as it turned around to start flying again, it noticed a huge wall, it was rigid, it looked so rocky was almost like half a bowl.

With Taillow being injured there was no way possible that it would make it over the wall, So then my Pikachu stood for battle.
With a small, slightly evil smirk on his face, he looked very anxious and very keen to get the match on with.

“Pikachu, lets go with a double team!” I said, happily.

Pikachu soon jumped into the air heroically and then with a cool and firm landing, he quickly without stop, ran loops around Taillow, I, myself was confused he was running so quickly. As he ran around so much it looked like there were 20 little small cute Pikachu’s running in circles around Taillow.

“Ok, Come on lets try a really good tackle attack!” I said.

Pikachu soon slowed the double team down slightly, I knew it was a sign of he was ready to attack, so then I watched as Pikachu came out of the fast, fading bunch of Pikachu’s still running around loops fading slowly into the air, As he came out Taillow jumped out of the way very smartly. Pikachu had landed on the rigid ground and tumbled over harshly a couple of times. Pikachu lay in agony as Taillow was getting ready to fly again.

“Pikachu, don’t let him get away!” I said to Pikachu, worried about him and getting the Taillow.

“Pika…uh…Pikachu…” Pikachu groaned in harsh agony.

Taillow then didn’t start flying to get away like a coward.
Taillow flew up in the air and came down, like a sharp, slim, bullet, aiming at my Pikachu.

Taillow was flying very quick, I thought Pikachu had nothing left, but then, as Taillow, without fear came to hit Pikachu and just a second before Taillow was about to hit, Pikachu quickly, and ever so smartly rolled over and Taillow missed, Taillow harshly rammed into the rigid ground.

Taillow was now in just about the same level of pain and harsh agony that my Pikachu was in, Taillow and Pikachu both stood their ground, glancing at each other.
Like as if they couldn’t trust eachother. I couldn’t trust Taillow, that was for sure.

Pikachu slowly, in pain and agony, walked over to Taillow, he was going to try a light attack, but didn’t have the energy, Pikachu collapsed on Taillow, I thought Taillow was going to fly away the second it happened, but then, as Pikachu lay their on Taillow, Pikachu opened his eyes quickly, as if he was faking death or something and used a sneaky, and powerful Thunderbolt, Taillow was immediately shocked and started gawking around in a circle as if it were a chicken, because of the pain it was in at the time.

Pikachu fell down, with a smile on his face, he was proud and had known he’d done his job.

The question to me was, had I done mine? I knew now that I had to capture the Taillow, especially after all the rigorous hard work my Pikachu had been through in the battle.

I grasped the Pokeball I’d been saving in my pocket, not like any other Pokeball, it was so circular that I knew straight away it was a Pokeball. I soon pulled it out of my pocket and then staring slowly at Taillow, I threw it straight at him.

It hit Taillow and the red aura brought him inside, I knew that wasn’t enough to capture the Taillow though.

The Pokeball rolled slowly and smoothly, back and forth, I didn’t know what was going to happen. It was mysterious and weird.

One, two, three…

Phantom Kat
12-27-2007, 06:25 PM
Plot: A boy (what’s his name? you never mentioned it =/) has arrived in Slateport City for Christmas, ready to train his Pokemon and have a good holiday. He finds a poster about a Taillow’s whose been stealing Christmas presents and later, finds the very same bird in the alley. After a mad chase, the boy corners Taillow and battles it with his Pikachu.

It’s good for a Simple Pokemon, you did something else beside the “Kid starts out on his journey, finds a Pokemon, and captures it” bit and I like that.

You could have elaborated more, however. Maybe a motive as to why the Taillow was stealing the presents. Maybe he was like a modern day Robin Hood in where he stole presents to give to the poor. On the other hands, he could be forced to rob presents by someone or another Pokemon. The thing is, you don’t want your reader to leave with unanswered questions, it makes it feel as though they just read for nothing. A good plot consists of plot twists, something that will take everyone by surprise when they read it. You can spice up even the most unoriginal ideas with a few twists and turns in it as you write for harder Pokemon, thinking up of a good plot with twists will really help you to make the capture.

Intro: A boy who feels really uncomfortable on the bus he is on arrives in Slateport City where he will spent his Christmas time. While there, he spots a wanted poster that depicts a gift thieving Taillow.

You also did a good job here. You described your character and what he wanted to do in Slateport.

I love the way you described the bus (although I don’t understand “hallowing” in there, that means holy.) with the people dry and gray with their cigars stinking up the joint. However, after that, you had no description about your surroundings. What did Slateport look like? I hardly play my Sapphire so I remember very little. It’s your job to describe it. The sounds, the people, the air. Since Slateport is like a dock for ships, maybe the air was salty and had the smell of fish. You also mentioned it was Christmas time, were there any lights hanging around, big huge wreaths and carolers skipping everywhere? Paint us a picture of your character, his surroundings, and anything else you can think of. Describe each scene as it changes; from Slateport, to the alley, to the forest, and into the battle area. Take a moment and describe what you see in your mind ’cause we can’t see what you see unless you write it out.

Another thing I would like to mention is that instead of describe your character in one go, describe him through actions. As the wind is blowing, describe how his sleek hair waves on his head. As he is running, describe how his white shirt sticks to him due to the sweat. Everything from running to picking up his backpack can be used for description

Grammar/Spelling: Here, however, it seems you had the most problems.

Most of the commas you used could be substituted for periods; the way you did made several sentences run-ons. It’s wonderful that you want to add to a sentence, conjoin two so that you have a better flow, but don’t overdo it. In my opinion, two sentences in one is perfectly alright, three or more can make things complicated and confusing for the reader and author. For example:

Squirtle took a huge breath and unleashed a powerful water gun, as it was travelling at great speed it quickly travelled through the clouds and just as it was about to hit Taillow, Taillow had noticed, as Taillow tried to turn around and dodge the powerful water gun it had virtually no time and was hit rapidly, as Taillow fell quickly and dramatically out of the sky, between the gap of the dark, white clouds, It was getting closer and closer to reaching the ground, but then, it start moving again, moving towards the forest, as it got lower and lower but still while flying in a direction it soon entered the forest.

The sentence is much too big and it has to do with being connected only by commas. This sentence can be divided into at least three and by dividing it, it makes it easier to understand.

Squirtle took a huge breath and unleashed a powerful water gun. As it was travelling at great speed, it quickly travelled through the clouds and just as it was about to hit Taillow, Taillow had noticed. As Taillow tried to turn around and dodge the powerful water gun, it had virtually no time and was hit rapidly. As Taillow fell quickly and dramatically out of the sky, between the gap of the dark, white clouds, it was getting closer and closer to reaching the ground. But then, it started moving again, moving towards the forest, as it got lower and lower but still while flying in a direction. It soon entered the forest.

Now that makes things a lot clearer. Remember, it doesn’t mean the longer the sentence, the better it will be. At most, join two sentences or you can leave it as one and one. You can make three good sentences into one that people can barely understand but we don’t want that; just keep it simple.

Also, some of your adjectives are worded in a weird way, don’t use so many adjectives it one sentence in where it will sound awkward. You can always start a new sentence to describe Pikachu’s attack in where the last one, you described Pikachu.

Small things to remember: Pokemon is always capitalized and their attacks like Tackle and Thunderbolt and numbers below 100 are spelled out so “20” is “twenty” and so on.

Length: Good but length isn’t nearly as important as grammar, plot, and description. Adding description and extending the plot can do wonders for this section. =3

Description/Detail: Like I said in the intro, there was virtually none. You described actions with really awesome adjectives like “rigorous” and “skillfully” but we also need to see the characters and surroundings; how can we imagine a “skillful dodge” if we can’t see the character whose doing it?

Pokemon are characters, too, they also need to be described. If I was unfamiliar with Hoenn, I would have no idea what a Taillow looked like. Does it have flaming talons and multiple beaks? Huge wings that can knock down a grown man? What about Pikachu, Ponyta, and Squirtle? Put as much effort in describing your Pokemon as you did your main character. Maybe as Taillow looked up in the alley, it raised a navy blue wing to fly away. Maybe as it came down upon the hurt Pikachu, you could see it’s glinting white talons. Describe the Pokemon, characters, and surroundings with all the detail you can imagine. Use words like “ruby”, “emerald”, and “onyx” for colors of feather, eyes, and fur. Use words like “silky”, “rough”, and “scratchy” as well for how things feel.

Battle: This was good for a Simple Pokemon and you used a variety attacks and combos like Double Team combined with Tackle. This is your best section but it was hindered by run-ons. Also, describing attacks like the Thunderbolt can make battles come to life. After that, describe how the Pokemon looked like or felt; Taillow’s feathers could have been charred black while it was absolutely dizzy. Pikachu’s fur could have been crackling with the strong attacks, little sparks jumping from fur to fur strand. Describe the attacks in color, in effect, in smell, and in energy.

Adding your surroundings can also make a battle interesting. Maybe Taillow overturned a trashcan so block Pikachu’s Tackle. Pikachu could have hidden in an abandoned cardboard box for a while before jumping and attacking. Use the dirt, pebble, grass, mud, etc. to a Pokemon’s advantage and disadvantage; it can mean the difference between winning and losing.

Outcome: You did well with your unique adjectives and battle combos but your grammar and lack of description brought you down. For now. Taillow not captured! It was really close but if you fix up your grammar and add some description here in there, I’ll gladly change the grade. PM for a Re-Grade anytime! ^^

- Kat

pikahero2
12-27-2007, 08:04 PM
Plot: A boy (what’s his name? you never mentioned it =/) has arrived in Slateport City for Christmas, ready to train his Pokemon and have a good holiday. He finds a poster about a Taillow’s whose been stealing Christmas presents and later, finds the very same bird in the alley. After a mad chase, the boy corners Taillow and battles it with his Pikachu.

It’s good for a Simple Pokemon, you did something else beside the “Kid starts out on his journey, finds a Pokemon, and captures it” bit and I like that.

You could have elaborated more, however. Maybe a motive as to why the Taillow was stealing the presents. Maybe he was like a modern day Robin Hood in where he stole presents to give to the poor. On the other hands, he could be forced to rob presents by someone or another Pokemon. The thing is, you don’t want your reader to leave with unanswered questions, it makes it feel as though they just read for nothing. A good plot consists of plot twists, something that will take everyone by surprise when they read it. You can spice up even the most unoriginal ideas with a few twists and turns in it as you write for harder Pokemon, thinking up of a good plot with twists will really help you to make the capture.

Intro: A boy who feels really uncomfortable on the bus he is on arrives in Slateport City where he will spent his Christmas time. While there, he spots a wanted poster that depicts a gift thieving Taillow.

You also did a good job here. You described your character and what he wanted to do in Slateport.

I love the way you described the bus (although I don’t understand “hallowing” in there, that means holy.) with the people dry and gray with their cigars stinking up the joint. However, after that, you had no description about your surroundings. What did Slateport look like? I hardly play my Sapphire so I remember very little. It’s your job to describe it. The sounds, the people, the air. Since Slateport is like a dock for ships, maybe the air was salty and had the smell of fish. You also mentioned it was Christmas time, were there any lights hanging around, big huge wreaths and carolers skipping everywhere? Paint us a picture of your character, his surroundings, and anything else you can think of. Describe each scene as it changes; from Slateport, to the alley, to the forest, and into the battle area. Take a moment and describe what you see in your mind ’cause we can’t see what you see unless you write it out.

Another thing I would like to mention is that instead of describe your character in one go, describe him through actions. As the wind is blowing, describe how his sleek hair waves on his head. As he is running, describe how his white shirt sticks to him due to the sweat. Everything from running to picking up his backpack can be used for description

Grammar/Spelling: Here, however, it seems you had the most problems.

Most of the commas you used could be substituted for periods; the way you did made several sentences run-ons. It’s wonderful that you want to add to a sentence, conjoin two so that you have a better flow, but don’t overdo it. In my opinion, two sentences in one is perfectly alright, three or more can make things complicated and confusing for the reader and author. For example:



The sentence is much too big and it has to do with being connected only by commas. This sentence can be divided into at least three and by dividing it, it makes it easier to understand.



Now that makes things a lot clearer. Remember, it doesn’t mean the longer the sentence, the better it will be. At most, join two sentences or you can leave it as one and one. You can make three good sentences into one that people can barely understand but we don’t want that; just keep it simple.

Also, some of your adjectives are worded in a weird way, don’t use so many adjectives it one sentence in where it will sound awkward. You can always start a new sentence to describe Pikachu’s attack in where the last one, you described Pikachu.

Small things to remember: Pokemon is always capitalized and their attacks like Tackle and Thunderbolt and numbers below 100 are spelled out so “20” is “twenty” and so on.

Length: Good but length isn’t nearly as important as grammar, plot, and description. Adding description and extending the plot can do wonders for this section. =3

Description/Detail: Like I said in the intro, there was virtually none. You described actions with really awesome adjectives like “rigorous” and “skillfully” but we also need to see the characters and surroundings; how can we imagine a “skillful dodge” if we can’t see the character whose doing it?

Pokemon are characters, too, they also need to be described. If I was unfamiliar with Hoenn, I would have no idea what a Taillow looked like. Does it have flaming talons and multiple beaks? Huge wings that can knock down a grown man? What about Pikachu, Ponyta, and Squirtle? Put as much effort in describing your Pokemon as you did your main character. Maybe as Taillow looked up in the alley, it raised a navy blue wing to fly away. Maybe as it came down upon the hurt Pikachu, you could see it’s glinting white talons. Describe the Pokemon, characters, and surroundings with all the detail you can imagine. Use words like “ruby”, “emerald”, and “onyx” for colors of feather, eyes, and fur. Use words like “silky”, “rough”, and “scratchy” as well for how things feel.

Battle: This was good for a Simple Pokemon and you used a variety attacks and combos like Double Team combined with Tackle. This is your best section but it was hindered by run-ons. Also, describing attacks like the Thunderbolt can make battles come to life. After that, describe how the Pokemon looked like or felt; Taillow’s feathers could have been charred black while it was absolutely dizzy. Pikachu’s fur could have been crackling with the strong attacks, little sparks jumping from fur to fur strand. Describe the attacks in color, in effect, in smell, and in energy.

Adding your surroundings can also make a battle interesting. Maybe Taillow overturned a trashcan so block Pikachu’s Tackle. Pikachu could have hidden in an abandoned cardboard box for a while before jumping and attacking. Use the dirt, pebble, grass, mud, etc. to a Pokemon’s advantage and disadvantage; it can mean the difference between winning and losing.

Outcome: You did well with your unique adjectives and battle combos but your grammar and lack of description brought you down. For now. Taillow not captured! It was really close but if you fix up your grammar and add some description here in there, I’ll gladly change the grade. PM for a Re-Grade anytime! ^^

- Kat


Thanks for the Grade, Kat.

For the Plot, about making him steal, I have my own idea for that, I'm going to make 2 new chapters, and I didn't want to give information about who's making Taillow do it.

I'll edit it now. ^_^

Phantom Kat
12-27-2007, 08:33 PM
I still see spots in where you can describe the Pokemon and surroundings like when Pikachu jumped out of his Poke Ball but I see you fixed the sentences and added color to stuff. xP

So, Taillow captured! Remember to add as much description as possible to EVERYTHING, even the street and buildings, and go over your sentences for run-ons. Keep on writing, the more your write, the better you'll get! ;)

- Kat

pikahero2
12-27-2007, 08:37 PM
I still see spots in where you can describe the Pokemon and surroundings like when Pikachu jumped out of his Poke Ball but I see you fixed the sentences and added color to stuff. xP

So, Taillow captured! Remember to add as much description as possible to EVERYTHING, even the street and buildings, and go over your sentences for run-ons. Keep on writing, the more your write, the better you'll get! ;)

- Kat

I edited alot before you wrote this too. :D

Thank for the Taillow. ^^

I'm working on a new story, everything in it is described.

Thanks. I'm reading over your grade again to see what I should focus on.