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pikahero2
12-28-2007, 12:46 AM
This is definatley my best story yet.
14330 Characters - 14k
Buizel,10k,Burmy 4k.
Aimed for 14k.
Buizel - Simple
Burmy - Easiest.

The Story.




Chapter 1
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In the beautiful, yet calm Cerulean City, there had been problems with getting through Diglet Cave, young travellers from all around Kanto turning back after entering Diglet Cave. The police were very concerned about the ongoing problem, they immediately wanted to go into Diglet Cave, but they were too afraid that one of the officers would not get far in fear they’d turn back for whatever reason is making everyone else.



At the time of the coincidence, I was on a large boat, called the S.S Anne.
The S.S Anne was the most popular cruise line at the time, everyone was very eager to get a ride on it. I got my ticket from my Mom, who was in her red, white and pink spotted Pyjama’s at the time. I, wearing my grey, rough jacket, and my bright blue pants, and with by brown, spiked up hair, shining after I was stuffing gel into it.
I was leaning over the railings of the huge cruise line, glaring at the crystal clear water. I thought it was such a beautiful sight to my eyes.

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The beautiful red sun was gleaming down on the front side of the cruise line, shining into the water, and not to mention into my eyes.

“Ah, it doesn’t get better than this.” I said to myself.

I heard a loud yet robotic voice speaking on the intercom. It made an announcement.

“Attention all passengers, I’d like to tell you all that there is serious construction going on in the port at Vermillion City and they don’t want us to land there, so instead were going land in Cerulean City.” The robotic-like voice said over the intercom.

“What? That’s not right, my uncle is waiting for me in Vermillion City!” I said with a rather worried tone to my voice.

I put my hands slowly to my head, I gave a stressed look on my face, I closed my eyes slightly with annoyance. I then brought my head towards the railings with my eyes still enclosed with annoyance, and my hands on my head.

“How am I going to see my uncle?” I said worried to myself.

“Hey, are you supposed to be going to Vermillion?” Said an unknown voice.

It was a girl, she had a white short sleeve t-shirt, she had a bright blue mini-skirt, and light brown, silky hair, she had two rather short ponytails on each side of her head.
She had a smooth and happy looking face, with big blue eyes.

“Yeah, why do you ask?” I replied curiously.

“Well, I heard there’s a cave there, I think it leads to Vermillion City.” The girl exclaimed.

“Really? There’s a cave like that?” I asked curiously.

“Yeah, there sure is.” She replied with a sudden smile on her face.

“Oh, cool, is it easy to get through?” I asked with a small smirk on my face.
“Um…sort of.” She said nervously.

“What do you mean?” I asked a bit worried.

“Well, its just fine getting in, but you wont get to the other side of it..” She explained nervously.

“What happens?” I asked curiously.

“Well, you go in ok, but something in there makes you turn around..” She explained with a twitch on her face.

“Really? Disappear? That’s a little weird.” I said worried.

“Yeah, well I have to go, Bye!” She said, hurriedly.

I stood there, and glanced slowly as she ran hurriedly across the long, hallow deck.
She looked like she was in a hurry, but I wasn’t going to do anything about it

I felt a slight nudge in my pocket; I knew my Buizel wanted to get out of the Pokeball.

“Go Buizel!” I shouted.

Buizel came out and landed as if it were a cat, on its feet. Buizel grabbed my leg and pulled tight against it, I rubbed Buizels head softly and gently to make him feel good. He slowly and comfortably closed his eyes, rubbing his head against my leg.

I walked slowly across the long, brown deck, with my Buizel by my side. Towards the slick stairs at the side of the boat, I walked calmly down the rigid stairs with Buizel quickly hopping down each step by step. We finally reached the bottom of the stairs, there was an announcement on the speaker, I was a bit worried when I heard the captain clearing his throat slightly.

“Attention all passengers, we will be landing in Cerulean City in one hours time, I suggest you don’t rush, as we may have some maintenance on the way in. Relax.”

It said loudly over the intercom.

“Cool, I can’t wait to get to Cerulean, imagine, a cave! Whoa!” I said loudly to myself.

I then kept walking towards a room labelled “Pokemon Centre” knowing it may not be just a place to heal your injured pokemon, especially when I heard people talking and eating food.

I slowly grasped the knob with my hands, it was cold and small, I turned it to the left and the door clicked open. I walked in with Buizel following me carefully.

Nurse Joy was at a counter with tasty looking beverages and delicious food behind her.

“Would you like any food or beverages?” She asked me with a polite tone to her voice.

“Sure, why not, what do you have?” I asked politely.

“Well, we have fresh water, we have delicious Munchies and some more, but those happen to be our main treats.” She said with a rather beautiful tone to her voice.

“Can I have some water please?” I asked politely, but then an interruption came from my Buizel.

“Buiz” Buizel interrupted with a rather heavy tone to his voice.

“Buizel, quiet…I know you want some.” I replied with a soft tone.

“Oh, and some for my Buizel please.” I asked Nurse Joy.

Nurse Joy turned around and busied herself with two plastic cups with wrinkles going around them, she carefully held the two plastic cups under the water machine and she then pushed a blue button labelled “fill” and then crystal clear water poured into the two plastic cups.

“Here you go!” Nurse Joy said to me.

“Thanks a lot Nurse Joy” I said with a satisfied tone.

“Here you go Buizel!” I said to my trustworthy Buizel.

Me and Buizel then started walking towards another door, It lead out to the deck again, as I was walking I heard something.

“Go Espeon!” An unknown voice shouted.

“Go Butterfree!” Another voice said.

I could hear them as if they were engaging in a battle, It sounded very exciting, I quickly pushed the door open and ran out onto the long deck. I seen a boy, he had blue spiked hair, it was very dark, he had orange tracksuit bottoms, and a denim jacket, it was open a little, so you could see he was wearing a white t-shirt with some words on it.

I then seen a girl on the other side, she had long blue and navy hair, she had blue genes, and she had an orange short sleeved shirt. She had a very rough look on her face, she looked ready for a fight.

“Espeon, use tackle attack on Butterfree!” The boy shouted at his Espeon.

“Hey, Butterfree, dodge the tackle quick!” The girl said.

The Butterfree was about to dodge when the boys Espeon stopped running for the tackle and Butterfree fell down for no reason, then the boy shouted to his Espeon.

“Lets him them with an iron tail!”

His Espeon’s tail started to glow a bright and shiny colour, it was like an extraordinary light bulb. I was amazed at the attack. Espeon then started running quickly, with its tail still shining brightly and elegantly. The Espeon quickly striked the girls Buttefree, the Butterfree went flying towards the ground and hit its head.

“Butterfree!” The girl shouted with a worried tone to her voice.

The Butterfree lay hurt on the ground, The girl was tempted to run over and check if her beloved Butterfree was ok.

But since she wasn’t permitted to, she didn’t.

“Butterfree!” She shouted, with a sudden smile on her gentle face.

Butterfree slowly yet suddenly got up, still in pain from being hit, Butterfree had small drips of sweat sweeping down the side of its purple, round face.

“Butterfree, use Stun Spore!” The girl commanded to her Butterfree with an enthusiastic tone to her voice.

Her Butterfree then got up, and slowly started flapping its white and black designed wings, it then quickly flew in a straight line, dropped orange colored powder, as Butterfree flew over Espeon, dropping the powder straight onto Espeon. Espeon then shook its head continuously, to try and shake off the orange powder attack.

“Butterfree, now use a tackle!” The girl shouted happily.

The Butterfree soon came down, and then gave a rough, yet rigorous tackle to Espeon, Espeon was critically hit.

“Espeon! No!” The boy on the other side shouted, he had a sad look on his face, thinking that his Espeon may lose the battle.

Butterfree then made a firm landing onto the solid, brown deck of the S.S Anne.

“Good job, Butterfree!” The girl said proudly.

Butterfree’s neck stretched around to look at its trainer. As it turned around with a smile on its small little face, the boy on the other side then shouted something to his Espeon.

“Espeon, use phsycic!” The boy shouted from a distance.

Espeon’s little ruby on its head started to glow a sapphire blue colour, it was shining brightly.
Butterfree then had a glowing outline appear all around it, it was a dark sapphire blue outline that then levitated Butterfree off the ground.

Butterfree was struggling harshly in the air, shaking back and forth. Espeon was focusing on Butterfree, levitating Butterfree in the air, and making the physcic field push in by Espeons powerful force.

After a few minutes of this outrageous force, Butterfree then collapsed brutally onto the deck.

“Yeah!” The boy shouted in triumph.

“No, Butterfree!” The girl shouted in despair, with a rather sad tone to her voice.

The girl ran towards her Butterfree with a sad cry of despair.

“Butterfree, are you alright?” She said sadly.

“Free…” Butterfree said, with an interruption of the brutal pain.

Butterfree closed its eyes slowly for rest, as its purple round and small face, had bruises and bumps all over it. Butterfree was in a horrible condition.

As the girl picked up her Butterfree gently and made sure that lifting it up did not hurt it,
She took out a small, red and white orb, called a Pokeball, it was small at first, then she clicked a button at the center of it, it then got bigger within a second of clicking the button.
Then it opened and a red aura came out and the Butterfree was transported back into the Pokeball.

“Hey, its ok.” I said to the sad girl.

“I know, its just, I really tried, I really did.” She said stubbornly while crying.

“People fail, its all part of learning.” I said, acting wisely to cheer her up.

“Really? Ah….” She was interrupted by a Burmy, coming out quickly, like a sneak from behind a box.

This creature was small, it looked like a small bush like creature, it had a black mask around its two small eyes. It had green leaves all around the rest of his body. He had two small brown twig like feet.

The Burmy looked like it wanted a battle, I knew I had to give it what it wanted, and I did.
With my Buizel by my side, I knew it could defeat the small weak burmy.

“Go Buizel!” I said, with a big, long smile going across my face.

Buizel jumped into the air, with his legs hanging back as he his eyes were glancing down at Burmy. Buizel had a smirk on his face and then quickly jumped onto the ground. He went on four legs and gave a look to Burmy.

“Buizel, use your Water Gun!” I shouted to my Buizel.

Buizel then went on his two legs again, then opening his mouth quickly into an oval shape, water quickly shot out towards the Burmy, Buizel then raised the pressure of the Water Gun as Burmy was hit by it. Burmy tumbled over roughly and lay down on the deck, hurt and in a lot of pain.

Burmy got up and stood still, with a murderous glint in its eye.

“Buizel, use tackle attack!” I said to my Buizel.

Buizel then ran and jumped up into the air quickly, as Buizel was in the air, it was if time was stopped and Buizel was in slow motion in the air. It then got faster and Buizel slammed like a dart towards Burmy, as Buizel was getting nearer and nearer towards Burmy, A cloud like field appeared around Burmy, I wasn’t sure what attack it was using.

Or for the fact if it was even an attack, Burmy was making the field increase as if it were a glass orb; it was all around Burmy by the time Burmy had finished charging.

Buizel was just about to his Burmy as Buizel hit off the cloud like field, and then Buizel went flying towards the deck.

“Buizel, No!” I shouted

Buizel lay on the solid, brown deck, Buizel lay in pain and agony, with his small face, and his eyes slightly closing, Buizel was hurt.

Burmy’s shield was slowly fading away; I knew it could be Buizels only chance.
Buizel was still lying down on the ground hurt, when Burmy then used Hidden Power, a huge amount of creaky dark green and orange leaves. Buizel was about to get hit, when Burmy then sprang into the air.

“Buizel!” I shouted in hope that Buizel would get out of the way.

Burmy was in the air, it had jumped very high, as it was charging for a slam attack, it was then starting to drop, it fell down, heading for Buizels chest.

I knew that Buizel should dodge, but it was too risky shouting it out and getting Buizel distracted.

As Burmy was about to land on Buizel, Buizel rolled over to the left and Burmy hit the solid deck, after hitting it, a few seconds later, the deck floorboards broke, and Burmy went flying through.

As Burmy went through, the hole was an exact circle shape, which was weird.

Burmy then a few seconds later, jumped straight back out of the circular hole, and the minute Burmy entered broad daylight, Buizel shot an unexpected Hydro pump at Burmy, the powerful hose like water attack hit Burmy, then Burmy rapidly hit the railings and was sitting with his eyes closed, Burmy was hurt badly, and I knew I could capture .

I put my hand in my pocket, I didn’t think I had any Pokeballs with me at the time, so then as I searched around my pocket for a few seconds, I grasped an orb like circular item, I took it out and it was red and white, I then clicked the button on the center of the Pokeball.

The Pokeball instantly got bigger and then, I quickly threw the Pokeball and then, it hit Burmy on the head and a static red aura came out of the Pokeball, a red ruby colored outline went around Burmy and Burmy went inside the red and white Pokeball.

The Pokeball then fell to the solid, brown deck. The Pokeball rolled back and forth continuously.

One, Two , Three …..

FireflyK
12-28-2007, 03:01 PM
Introduction: We don't learn that much about your character at the start of the story, but you certainly began with an interesting plot twist! Catching the reader's interest is just as important, at the beginning of a story, as telling us about your character, so this was a perfectly acceptable start. Good job. =) The beginning made me want to read more for the sake of seeing what happened, not just to give the story a grade.

Plot: I don't think I need to run through teh whole thing. Needless to say, the plot was definitely complex enough for the Pokemon you're aiming for.

Length: Long enough. Length is less important than quality and plot, anyway.

Grammar: There were a few small errors here. They weren't enough to detract from the story, but I'll show you the ones I spotted so you'll know for next time.

The police were very concerned about the ongoing problem, they immediately wanted to go into Diglet Cave, but they were too afraid that one of the officers would not get far in fear they’d turn back for whatever reason is making everyone else.
This sentence is a bit redunant, and reads awkwardly. You tell us twice that the police want to enter but are afraid it wont' go well. ^^; Try to condense repetitive sentences.
The police were very concerned about the ongoing problem. When they heard of it, they immediately wanted to go into Diglet cave, but they were afraid that like everyone else, the officers would not get far before turning back.
Another thing to note is which officers were afraid to go in. Was it the chief of police? Or were all the officers, plural, worried?

At the time of the coincidence, I was on a large boat, called the S.S Anne.
Coincidence can mean when two things meet (he waited for the coincidence of his nerf dart and his little brother), or an event that looks arranged but was really accidental. This doesn't really fit with the Diglet Cave problem. That could be an Incident, or an occurence, but I don't think it is really a coincidence.

I thought it was such a beautiful sight to my eyes.
It was a beautiful sight makes sense. But 'to my eyes'? ^^; Maybe 'it was a beautiful sight to see'? People don't usually think about body parts in third person... It comes across as a bit formal and stilted.


I put my hands slowly to my head, I gave a stressed look on my face, I closed my eyes slightly with annoyance. I then brought my head towards the railings with my eyes still enclosed with annoyance, and my hands on my head.
A few things here. First, you started four statements in a row with 'I'. Why not mix it up a little, or take out a few 'I's? Also, your eyes would be 'closed', not enclosed. The two words are different. ^^; He closed the door, he enclosed the letter in the envelope. Unless your eyes were closed into/inside something, enclosed isn't the word you want to use.

“How am I going to see my uncle?” I said worried to myself.
In this sentence, you sort of separated two words that belong togethor. The action (said) is being done to myself (the direct object, or the thing recieving the action). Worried describes this action- but generally you should try not to split the action and the reciever of the action. I'd suggest saying one of these:
"Then how am I going to see my uncle?" I said to myself, feeling worried.
"Then how am I going to see my uncle?" I worried
"Then how am I going to see my uncle?" I was worried about where I would stay, since I had planned to stay with my uncle once I got to Vermillion.

Any of those would keep the object and action togethor. ^^;

Anyway, just as a basic rule of thumb for future reference...
Mary and Martin played basketball with an orange.

The subject of a sentence, or the ones doing the action, are in red. That goes before the action. If you put it after, the sentence is usually in 'passive voice', which most people try to avoid aside from teh occaisonal use for emphasis. (For example, the girl carried the water is a normal sentence. The water was carried by the girl is a passive sentence- it puts the reciever of the action before the doer!)

The action is in orange/brown, followed by the direct object (action reciever). The blue, however, is the Indirect Object. This object is also related to the action. For example, if I said, "Mary gave Zoe a gift". Mary is the doer, gave is the action, Zoe recieves it... And the gift is the object being recieved. Thus, it is the indirect object. ^^; You can rearrange sentences however you like, but generally, it is a good idea to try to keep the direct object right next to the action, and be careful with any indirect object you might have.


Battle: This was good. I liked how we saw another battle, too, with the Butterfree and Espeon. I had a question about that, though.
The girl was tempted to run over and check if her beloved Butterfree was ok.
How do we know?
Don't just state something, especially if it is said from the character's point of view.. Show us. Maybe she gasped and took a step towards her Pokemon? Or perhaps her facial expression gave away her feelings?

Anyway, overall, the battle was excellent. So, there aren't really many things I can advise you on for next time! The only suggestion I have here is to give us smell and sound details about attacks, not just the sights and feelings. Does the powder from Stunspore have a smell? What about the environment, the salty air of the ocean? Add a few more details on that next time. ^^;

Advice: Your battles are definitely good, and the plot was fairly nice as well. Try to add a few more sound and smell details to the battles next time, though. Also, work on your grammar. ^_^

Result: Buizel AND burmy captured! Congratulations. =) Your stories just keep improving each time.

pikahero2
12-28-2007, 04:02 PM
OMG, thanks alot FFK, I'll read over your grade a few times and improve on what you said.

Thanks, that grade really boosted my confidence for writing. =]

Thanks so much. ^_^

Also, they dont get to Cerulean until chapter 3 or so, because I thought the boat might be a good idea to stick with for awhile.