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Sloven
12-29-2007, 12:01 AM
Dying is not fun
By Sloven (Yayyay!)

Note: This shall be a multi-capture story. Thankyou~

Chapter 1: The Orange

Target: Buizel
Range: Simple- 5k-10k
Achieved: 13 666 (OMG. I'm not gonna get it then T_T Darn unlucky numbers...)

Chomp, chomp, chomp.

The boy broke his focus away from his rough drawing. What was that noise? Confused, he scanned the room with his piercing blue eyes while remaining on his bed, curious if someone he didn’t know snuck in and had started to loudly eat a carrot. Satisfied that this was not the case, he returned to his work. It was going to be an elaborate picture for his mother’s birthday, which was today. He’d previously forgotten it and had to start working at one o’clock in the morning to have any hopes of getting the outline down and then scanning it onto his computer.

Chomp, chomp, crunch.

There it was again! Slightly rougher in sound, and seeming to originate from under his bed. Five-year-old fears began swirling in his mind after lying dormant for six years or so. When he was little he had a chronic fear of demonic-looking Pokemon, like his late father’s Houndoom. Through the miracle of night-lights he had conquered this fear, or so his mother thought. He began shaking slightly in terror.

Chomp, chomp, RIIIIP.

Oh, God, he thought fearfully. It’s eating Barak! Barak, a specially-bred Mareep, was his best friend since his only other human friend, Carlton, had began his own journey with a Buneary. Barak was specially bred as to be sensitive to the boy’s bipolar swings. He was a new type of service Pokemon, to allow mentally disabled children to go on their own journeys. What if in the middle of travelling on a mountain these sorts of kids had a depressed swing and flung themselves off? It was these Pokemon that kept them still and calm until someone came along or they came to their senses. They were usually bred by the local breeding centre near where the bipolar kids lived, and so he had obtained his by the kindly old couple near the outskirts of his home city, Goldenrod. If Barak was dead, he couldn’t start his journey after giving his mother the drawing!

But he could not dwell on these thoughts too long. He had to check what was really happening under his bed. Taking a deep breath, he manoeuvred so he was sitting on his knees at the left edge of the mattress. He reached down and gripped the splintery, wooden frame underneath said mattress and swung down, so that he could peer under the bed. His strawberry blond hair seemed to be electrified; as it attempted to drift down to the ground, ut held securely in place by his hair follicles. It was fairly dark under there, despite the main overhead light being on. His bed being pushed right into the corner didn’t really help. The boy squinted slightly, feeling pressure growing on his face as blood abandoned his abdomen in favour of the boy’s head. He could make out a faint, blurry cloud-like shape. A blue oval marked the front of the cloud, a golden orb connected by a thin tail to the cloud marked the end. The boy sighed in relief. No demon. “Barak, don’t eat my sheet,” he commanded, though it sounded like a request.

The small sheep Pokemon turned to his master. In his mouth was a strip of yellowed fabric, hanging out of both sides of his muzzle like drool mixed with pus. The ripped material had previously been stuffed down between the wall and the bed as the boy didn’t need it in the slowly rising spring heat. Barak gave a delighted bleat at hearing his master’s voice and trotted to the sourced of it, giving the boy’s head an affectionate butt before returning to chewing on the sheet. The boy gave a gentle smile and swung back up, to return to his piece of art.

~~~

“Happy birthday, Mum,” Matthew Pyre announced to a thin woman. Isabelle Pyre gently removed the cylindrical present from her son’s grasp. She smiled weakly. She was a sickly woman whose condition deteriorated after her husband had died three years ago. She had not cried about it once, but Matt knew there was something up with her. She requested that he do more and more things around the house. She had held him back from his journey for a year so he could continue working. Matt had contacted a maid service and asked for their help about a week ago, so Isabelle finally let her son loose.

Matt sat down on the fluffy pink doona, watching as his mother unwrapped the present, discarded the shiny plastic wrapping onto the carpeted floor. She frowned slightly when her present was revealed to be a cardboard tube, like a toilet roll for a very long man. Matt urged her to look inside. She poked a spindly finger into the tube and brought out a rolled up piece of paper. She unfurled it in a similar fashion to a pirate on old treasure movies, throwing a brightly coloured picture into the woman’s eyes.

The picture was, in style, cross in between real life and a cartoon. It featured the whole of the Pyre family: Matt, Isabelle, Noel Pyre (Matt’s father), Gard the Houndoom who continued to watch the Pyre abode for his late master, and Barak. The picture had its colours greatly brightened from real life, Isabelle’s straw coloured hair appeared golden and the eyes that the parent and child shared was dynamically more blue. For an eleven-year-old, Matt was extremely talented in art even if his other grades weren’t as good, as if it compensated for his extraordinary ability. His mother called him a mini Van Gough, as the famous artist had the same condition as the boy.

Isabelle smiled warmly at her son. She had fretted about ever seeing him again, but this picture would help her through lonely nights. She could remember the times when she had to comfort the boy when he woke up with wide, terrified eyes as he dreamt about the time his father was murdered to when he received his first Pokemon with more ease than without a reminder of him. She had immediately found this better than any photo, as Matt had made this himself. “Thank you,” she said, gratitude prominent in those two syllables. Matt smiled back. He loved the feeling of being praised and of being thanked.

“Mum, can I go now?” Matt asked blatantly. Isabelle merely nodded, her attention focused on the picture. Matt felt a delightful mix of excitement and euphoria welling up inside him, willing to burst with manic energy. He caught the eye of his partner, whose black eyes gave Matt the impression that the Pokemon was feeling the same as the bipolar child. “C’mon, Barak- I gotta get stuff from my room!”

The Pokemon bleated back something in reply. Matt wished he could understand Pokemon. He figured it would make his training days a fair bit easier. The eleven-year-old and the Mareep practically ran to Matt’s room, trying and almost failing to contain their excitement. Matt changed from his simple, long-sleeved pyjamas to clothes more suited for travelling- A dark blue vest that had a zip-on hood on the back, a white T-Shirt on underneath that, slightly baggy denim shorts and a visor for his head, the sort of cap without the top. Considering Barak was a service Pokemon, he had to stay out of his ball at all times. This was not possible without the blue bandana that Matt now tied around the Electric-Type’s neck, with the words “Service Pokemon” printed on said material.

Hoisting a backpack over his shoulders, twelve usable Pokeballs clipped to his magnetic belt, Matthew Pyre was prepared to face the outside world.

~~~

“Nnmph… Barak, no one told me it would be this boring!” The sheep looked up at his trainer sympathetically. No-one told him that he was to be the Pokemon of a manic-depressive kid! The world liked its secrets. Barak brooded on this for a little while.

The path Matt was walking along had been reduced to clay as many, many feet over many, many years had trampled on the grass. The air smelt sweet as a gentle breeze washed over flowers to the left of the child. A large-ish lake was present at his right. The boy kept his eyes trained at the ground. A stupid trainer law urged people to battle if they caught eyes. Matt envied autistic people. They seemed to dodge eyes as if other eyes contained a deadly plague! He couldn’t battle others at the moment, as he had a single Pokemon only.

“Oi. Sheep.” Barak snapped out of his philosophical thoughts and turned to look at his trainer. Sheep? How derogatory. Matt stared down at him with an unreadable expression. “LastonetothelakeisaBadEgg!” he cried suddenly, turning on his heel and darting to the large body of water. Barak engaged in this game, galloping at a slightly faster pace than his master. Sure, Matt was slower than a sheep but he was pretty fast as humans go. Barak found this surprising: Matt was obviously shorter than other boys his own age.

Matt loved running. He felt free, almost as if he was flying. The whole world became a blur as the redhead ran. He would never stop running! Never! Never! Nev-

Matt’s foot slammed into a protruding rock that he had failed to notice. He felt the jar even through his Nike sneakers. He was flung into the air, his expression of joy quickly changing to one of fright. He wanted to fly, but not like this! Everything seemed to slow down. He windmilled his arms in a hope that he’d slow down. He must’ve been going fairly fast, as he sailed a few metres past the shore and was staring into the depths of the murky lake.

SPLASH.

Matt seemed to do a perfect dive into the lake. Every nerve in his body screamed at the cutting cold temperature of the water. He flailed his arms and legs, regretting that he never took swimming lessons. He opened his mouth to scream, and only a few bubbles and a muffled noise came out. He was going to die! He flailed his arms faster, but the effort was futile. The waters still contained some winter chills. He stopped flailing. It was a record. One hour and he was already dying. Through semi-closed eyes he saw something orange deeper down. It meant nothing to him.

Yet the boy meant everything to the Orange. How dare this white, near-white and blue come tumbling into his territory? The Orange narrowed his brown eyes. He felt a little impressed by the White-NotWhite-Blue. It had dived a fair distance from the sand. But the lake belonged to the Orange (and a few of his siblings, but the Orange would never admit to that) and the White-NotWhite-Blue had just came in as if the world had belonged to it. He growled menacingly. The White-NotWhite-Blue had stopped. But this didn’t deter the Orange. He allowed adrenaline to fill his small, wiry muscles with immense power. He would convert this into speed energy as he launched his attack.

Letting loose a water-muffled battle cry, the Orange sped forth, slicing the water. It was his favourite attack: Quick Attack. It made him feel invulnerable. The White-NotWhite-Blue seemed oblivious to its impending doom, still floating there, a few bubbles rising from where the Orange guessed its mouth to be. The Orange screeched again. STILL ignoring him! He was close to the White-NotWhite-Blue now, and could see it was one of the big walkie things that usually lived on land. The Orange continued his attack, head-butting the walkie in the chest. The White-NotWhite-Blue walkie’s eyes opened in surprise.

Matt registered a mammalian creature ramming into him, knocking the last few dredges of breath out of his burning lungs. The orange creature was surprisingly strong, as the boy rocketed out of the water and onto the sandy shore. His lungs automatically took an enormous breath, savouring the life-giving oxygen wrapped in a delightfully scented package. Barak practically flew to his bewildered master, bleating with a melancholy tone. Matt absentmindedly petted him, staring out over the rippling waters in case the orange Pokemon surfaced.

Indeed he did. The Orange rose almost theatrically out of the water, walking out on stubby legs rather than bobbing up like its breed is famous for. As soon as they cleared the lake, its two tails began swishing madly. The inflatable collar of air around its neck was puffed up at least twice its usual size. Malice was the only word Matt could find that described the evil twinkle in its light brown eyes.

“It’s a Buizel,” Matt whispered, actually afraid of this short orange weasel. “Aren’t they native to Sinnoh? What’s one doing in Johto?” A part of Matt’s brain that liked goofing of figured out a few possible ideas, including it came from a lost egg. Possibly a Bad Egg due to its personality, it added. Matt believed one thing at that moment and one thing only- that small Buizel wanted to kill him.

And he was right. The Orange killed any intruders that he saw, unless they were a lot bigger than him like the huge blue snake thing with a huge mouth that a walkie had let out two weeks ago. Although this walkie was bigger than him, it was a particularly small walkie kit and it was scared. It had a Yellow Cloud close by. The Orange had not seen a Yellow Cloud before. “Bu-eeeeee!” the Orange hissed, karate chopping the air for effect. The Yellow Cloud frowned and stepped between the Orange and the Walkie.

Matt felt immensely grateful to the small sheep Pokemon. Even though he had sensed that Barak felt contempt to the bipolar child at times, he was risking his life to save him. Matt stood up, feeling a surge of determination washing through his body. He would help Barak beat the murderous Buizel. They would win.

“Buuuu-iiiiEEEEE!” the Buizel cried, taking a deep breath. Its cheeks puffed up, magnifying two tan stripes on either side of its face that Matt had not noticed before. A few streams of water trickled out of each side of its mouth. It seemed to exhale next, but instead of the customary Carbon Dioxide wafting out of its lungs a large jet of water rocket out of the agape jaw, heading to the faithful Electric Sheep.

“Dodge it!” Matt tried to command, but got only half way before the Water Gun piledrived into Barak. Matt rubbed his eyes, not from disbelief but from lake water that had seeped into his visor and leaked out the bottom, impairing his vision momentarily. The next thing he knew he was on his back, clothes sodden yet again. The cheeky bugger got him. Feeling angry at himself and the Buizel, he leapt up. Barak had also recovered and was standing next to the boy. The Buizel was preparing another Water Gun.

“Signal Beam!” Matt roared, pointing at the offending Pokemon. Barak’s tail began to glow, or more specifically the orb at the end of his tail. The light it was letting off was a faint green, and when cast upon the boy made him look quite ill. As the Buizel fired his Water Gun so did to Barak with his Signal Beam. Matt thought it looked like a thick, light green laser light, except laser lights don’t usually jag up and down to resemble a stock chart. When it hit the water stream it ceased its flight and fell to the ground, as if it was merely poured by a bucket. The Signal Beam eventually hit the aghast Buizel, who fell to the ground and began twitching madly.

Matt was about to celebrate his victory as the weasel got up, appearing slightly dazed but very much in one piece. It hissed loudly, yet it was not looking at Matt. It was looking as a nearby tree. The Buizel began rotating its arms madly, sand whipping up in a small tornado it was making. The winds around its arms were getting more furious; until with a screech of anger, it let the tornado loose on what it thought was Matt. The tornado zigzagged madly across its path, threatening to turn into a water spout as it neared the lake and then to die out as it went near the path. Alas, it hit true after a few gut-churning seconds and the tree shook madly. The tornado grew in size and ripped a few branches off the poor Camphor Laurel.

But the tree got its own back. One of the loose branches flew free of its captor and struck its tormentor down. The Buizel cried out in anguish. The hardy little thing staggered up, rubbing a wound on its forehead. Matt could tell it was close to defeat, but there had to be one more move; “THUNDER!” he yelled, eyes wide with anger. Barak’s wool began to spark slightly, rapidly growing in size. He was shimmering now. The Electric-Type bleated harshly as a streak of yellow lightning zipped out of his fur, headed straight for the terrified Water-Type. With an emphatic BOOM the electricity hit, the cries of the fried Buizel drowned out by the thunder.

Matt again rubbed his eyes, unable to see properly from the glare of the lightning. He squinted. The poor Buizel looked awful, fur singed black, twitching, and moaning piteously. Matt felt quite bad. Perhaps he’d better get it to the Pokemon centre. He knew he wouldn’t rest well unless he got this poor Pokemon some medical attention. Sighing, he realised he couldn’t carry it- it would only injure it further. So he plucked a Pokeball off his belt and flung it at the Buizel...

Bryce
12-30-2007, 11:08 PM
FireFlyK asked me to take this over for her....

I will have the grade up by tomorrow at the latest :3

Bryce
01-01-2008, 06:55 AM
Sorry if i was any inconvenience to you.... i hope this grade makes up for it...

Story/Plot: Matthew Pyre, an eleven-year-old kid living in Goldenrod City, is no different than any other child on the block….except the fact that he is bipolar. As we open, he is attempting to finish up a drawing for his mother’s birthday….what later turns out to be a picture of the family and their residing Pokémon. Well anyway, after celebrating and bestowing the gift upon his mom, he sets out on a long-awaited journey with his Mareep, Barak. They happen upon a Buizel after Matt, who cannot swim, falls into a lake. Barak and Matt battle and attempt to capture the water weasel.

Overall, I cannot say that anything was particularly original about it, which isn’t much of a big deal considering that this is your first story. The concept of a child departing on a (especially when it’s delayed) journey has been done countless times….but I have to say that yours is a bit better than the rest. What I do commend you on is the fact that you made your character different….you managed to avoid the customary, mostly-bland, hyperactive mini-trainer by fashioning your main character into someone that has an incurable, psychological illness. That is what I found to be the most unique aspect of this tale.

Introduction: You did well here for the most part. I can’t really pinpoint a specific moment in which you explain everything about Matthew’s past and family and such, for clarifications came throughout the whole story. Great job on that. I absolutely despise how many writers just list every aspect in a paragraph or two…..as though they are just posting it to get it out of the way. You don’t do that for the most part. Sure, there came a time (when you were describing the clothes that he put on) that I cringed at the total list-making, but all of the other parts, like telling Matthew’s age through representation of thoughts that he had six years ago were very creative.

There was, however, one part where I felt myself craving for you to elaborate on…..where you (in a random manner) told us that Matt’s father had been murdered. It came at such an awkward time, yet you just leave it at that….if you implement such a momentous fact, you need to tell all about it instead of leaving us out to dry. If you continue this story, I really suggest that you explain more.

Grammar/Spelling: Aaaaahhhh, for once I do not have to scorn a writer for any major mistakes, nor do I have an extreme ache in my neck from constant turning my head to the left and right in an attempt to catch the multitude of errors in a story.

While they were infrequent and most of the time quite minor, I must comment on just a few of the typos I found.

Perhaps he’d better get it to the Pokemon centre

While I do not know how they spell center in whatever country you hail from (most likely in the Australian area? :) I do know that it needs to be capitalized in whatever manner it is used.

The eleven-year-old and the Mareep practically ran to Matt’s room, trying and almost failing to contain their excitement.

I believe that a comma should be placed after “failing”, since it would just sound more proper and such.

As I said earlier, I will not delve too far into this…. I just want you to know that you did better than half the writers on this board in this section. ^-^

Length: An overachiever, eh? I have never felt so proud <3 haha….. no comments here, just that it was overly-sufficient.

Detail/Description: I really liked this. You take a simple tone with your characters and their actions and such, but I still saw instances in which you slipped more “advanced” words in, such as: “prominent” & “compensated”……

You describe things pretty well….the surroundings, Matt’s feelings toward his mother, the Pokemons’ attacks.

I must say that I loved a particular part of the story more than anything else. The way you tell things through the eyes of the Buizel for part of the meeting between them was adorable and impressive. It seems as though he is more primitive and barbaric, which can be expected since he is an animal…. I F-ING loved how you used the words “the orange” & “White-notwhite-blue” & “the walkie” & “the cloud”…..because that just shows that a Pokemon, or any animal for that matter, would notice no other characteristics of a creature besides its color, and whether it stood on two legs or not…..i cannot tell you how much I enjoyed that, it was really refreshing & cute.

Battle: This was okay. I can’t really complain, since you pitted an Electric-type Pokémon against one of a weaker nature, Water…..which is somewhat looked down upon. Sure, it’s alright to use type-advantaged Pokémon against others, but you must make the battle a bit longer if possible.

If I counted correctly, the Buizel only delivered one hit on the actual Mareep, but hey, this is for a Simple ‘mon, so I won’t hassle you too much about length, but just remember to expand a bit next time.

The description for the attacks was done pretty well, I could imagine most of them…..especially the Thunder attack.

Another thing I found amusing/charming was how the Buizel mistook a mere tree for Matt, delivering an attack upon it instead. It was only topped by the fact that the tree actually exacted its revenge upon the weasel by striking it back. <3

Outcome: You did better than most first-timers……but I sort of get the feeling that you are only using the URPG as a place to make yourself known as a writer, instead of actually getting into the swing of things. This isn’t forbidden (for I somewhat did this at first), but I can almost guarantee that the URPG will wrap its seductive arms around you and pull you in. With that image in mind, I say Buizel Captured. You have a knack for writing, and I will surely be keeping an eye out for new stories. PM me for a grade, if you ever need one. (think of me as your own, personal grader-monkey <3)

EDIT: Sorry, i just now saw that this is your 2nd story... still, the outcome is the same ^_^

Sloven
01-21-2008, 12:43 AM
About his poor ole Dad… Matt is based off a roleplay character I have, whose father died in a horrific manner (because the plot called for it). I kept some of his roleplay things intact (His mother’s name, love for art, bipolar disorder), and changed a few things (how calm he is, being frightened easily). Besides, there’s always the Big Climatic Battle near the end which shall explain it further. Whewt, Big Climatic Battles… Also, the tree was attacked because The Orange (I’m calling it that now… I got attached to it) was Confused. You see, The Orange Hurt Itself In Its Confusion. I always thought that phrasing was weird, so I made it The PO’d Tree Hurt The Orange In Revenge Because It Attacked Said Tree In Confusion. We say a final goodbye to the PO’d tree in this chapter… Second story? No... I'm pretty sure this is my first URPG story...

Chapter Two: Leet is linked to incorrect spelling

Target: Aron
Range: Medium, 10,000-20,000
Achieved: 24,462 (Finished)

The metal sphere stopped jiggling soon after it was tossed, a soft ‘ding’ signifying that the Buizel was safely contained. Matt stooped down and picked up the ball, pressing the small white button in the middle of the split to shrink it down to a more travel-worthy size. He felt the tug of the magnets in his belt, calling for the Pokeball that had so rudely been removed from it. He decided that the belt could wait a few more hours.

Matt called to Barak, whom was sulking over his wet fleece. He didn’t suppose there were any Fire Pokemon randomly handing out warmed up, fluffy towels… Again the somewhat spacey Pokemon fell into deep thought, not looking where he was going.

Matt did not check on Barak, thinking that, as always, he would be trotting faithfully by the boy’s side, keeping a close look on him in case he suddenly swung manic and decided drawing on people’s faces with a permanent marker was in fact the best idea he’d ever conceived. So, naturally, he had to actually focus on the Electric type to see the spectacle that was to come… Luckily, he had chosen that moment to turn and speak. Barak’s eyes were unfocused as he walked towards something tall, looming, and currently not very happy at the idea of little Pokemon attacking it. So as Matt swivelled and caught sight of Barak walking into the thin Camphor Laurel tree, he did what every person would do in his situation… Laugh as the Mareep snapped into focus, confused, and laugh even harder as the vengeful tree dropped a loose branch onto Barak’s back, startling a cry out of him.

As Matt comforted his partner, he uttered great words of wisdom; “It’s only funny until somebody gets hurt- Then it’s hilarious!” The distressed Pokemon continued to bleat softly. Matt rubbed Barak’s back softy. “Look, calm down, it didn’t hurt you bad, you’ll be okay, you survived that Buizel, you can survive a-” Matt chuckled, “-tree attack. Man, if I only had a camera…” That remark was replied with a mild electric shock. Matt gasped as his arm muscles contracted. “O-okay,” he stuttered. “No more m-making f-fun of you.” Barak looked up at his trainer, a smug expression plastered on his face, which turned into one of amusement as he saw Matt’s hair.

The redhead instinctively reached for his hair, and was replied with a very mild static shock. Ignoring the little clicks, he ran his hand through his hair with growing dread. His hair was poofing out! He’d look like he had an afro! He sighed, defeated. He never thought much about karma, but here it was, making him look like a disco-goer. He stood up, lips thin, and called for his Pokemon to follow him onto the main path. He ignored the stares of other trainers who were also heading towards Ecruteak. He liked his hair. Always slightly messy, nice and shiny… Now he was a duster. Great.

Barak seemed quite pleased with himself, prancing beside Matt with no physical evidence that he made the afro (Yet anyone with half a brain cell could derive a conclusion from afro + Mareep). He heard a young male laugh quite loudly and sent him and intimidating glare. The kid pointed at him.

“You caught my eyes!” he taunted. “We gotta battle, the unwritten rules say!” He crossed his tanned arms over his chest. The off-topic part of Matt’s brain envied that guy’s skin. His own was barely darker than a sheet of paper.

“No,” Matt replied evenly. “One of my Pokemon is close to fainting and the other one here, well, he’s just come foul of a Buizel and a tree.”

“Ya gotta do it,” the tanned boy pressed. He appeared around Matt’s age. “I’ve stopped breaking rules and no little midget will revert me to smashing them up again. Battle me now.”

Matt ignored him. What was the point? That guy would cream him anyway. If he had just come out of Goldenrod, there was a very high chance of him having at least four relatively strong Pokemon on him. The boy yelled at him again. Matt’s mouth transformed into a thin line. This guy was extremely annoying.

So he flipped him the bird, and ran for his life.
~~~

“Wow, you certainly pulverised this Pokemon!” exclaimed the resident Nurse Joy. Her bright blue eyes were filled with a mixture of concern and surprise. Matt squirmed on his hard leather seat guiltily. He had managed to trek through the rest of the route without catching another trainer’s eye. His clothes were still a little damp from his unexpected plunge into the lake, his white shirt marred with patches of black muck. He could honestly say he smelt strange, as demonstrated by the Nurse wrinkling her nose. “You’re good for a newbie… Or are you?”

Matt’s eyebrows snapped together in a frown. “Look, lady, I am. Is the Buizel gonna be okay?” Nurse Joy nodded and Matt sighed in relief. There would be no blood on his hands.

“He may have a tic for the rest of his days, but otherwise it was only a first degree burn with a few second degree patches. He’s currently regaining consciousness. It was a good thing you caught him instead of carrying him- you may have injured him worse otherwise.” Matt didn’t point out he already knew that, instead nodding. “You should stay here tonight, change clothes, get to know your surrounding area- and you can talk to the poor little Buizel in an hour or two.” Matt sighed, and nodded. The nurse hurried behind the counter, and after rummaging through what Matt presumed to be a drawer, she pulled out what looked like a credit card. She went back over to the bipolar kid and handed it to him. “This still will cost you some money; just because I feel sorry for you does not mean you just got yourself a freebie, got it?” Matt nodded again, feeling a little drained from that day’s escapades. He silently got up and headed towards the elevator.

The Centre was fairly tall, a little more than most at three stories plus a basement level. This was because, along with Goldenrod, Ecruteak was one of the more tourist-pulling cities in Johto. Matt reckoned it was because of the two towers that the city featured, one of which was rumoured to be the home of the great Legendary Pokemon Ho-Oh, creator of rainbows. It, personally, was one of his favourite Legends, because it was a bird and it was a Fire-Type. Sure, Moltres was the same, but it didn’t have the same sense of majesty… He entered the lift and pressed the button marked “3”.

A tinny tune wafted through slightly battered speakers, hugging the boy. Matt had associated it with elevators ever since he was little and had to play that particular tune on the vibraphone- It was entitled “Elevator Music”. Matt felt lonely without Barak; he had gone for a simple patch-up, and even though he was simply downstairs Matt couldn’t shake the feeling. Eventually the shiny metal doors of the lift slid smoothly open.

The hallway was quite plain, with sea-green carpeting and off-white walls that was occasionally dotted with small, but intricate framed pictures of Ecruteak in the “Good ole days”. Matt moved closer to one. It was penned in ink the exact same colour as the carpet. It was apparently drawn on top of the “newly-constructed” Pokemon Centre, and featured the lay of the land. It was a very old picture, featuring Burnt Tower when it was shiny new.

Matt heard a quick skittering noise behind him. Breaking his focus from the sketchy piece of artwork, he turned around to survey the hall. His eyes caught the tail of a shadow, but his mind immediately dismissed it as a mere trick of the light. His eyes were forced to accept this as nothing else out of the usual happened. He shifted his visor to a more comfortable position and headed off to find room 3-7.

~~~

Matt hadn’t realised his foolish mistake until he sent his clothes tumbling down the laundry chute. How stupid was he to not bring a backpack, let alone forget another set of clothes?! The fluffy white towels that the bathroom featured would have to do until his clothes were able to be worn again. After proceeding to whack his head against the wall in self-punishment, he decided he better have a shower to wash the lake muck off his body.

The bathroom was pristine; absolutely nothing was out of place. No mould slunk up the walls of the shower, no hard-water stains dribbled down the toilet bowl. They even went to the trouble to put a sash of toilet paper across the lavatory as to mark it off-limits to anyone but the current tenant. The single light’s glare bounced off the many polished white tiles that covered the floor and halfway up the wall before giving way to plaster. But through its façade of being the world’s best bathroom, Matt could see it was pretty much like any other- One toilet, one sink with cabinet underneath, and one shower with blurry glass as to not see the naked figure within. Nonetheless, Matt felt like a king whose servants catered to his cleaning work and provided a spotless water closet. With a superior smile he headed in, leaving the door ajar.

After closing the shower door, Matt turned on the taps and allowed the hot liquid to shudder down his back. Again, he felt royal- how could the temperature be so perfect for him, the poor boy who used to wash in lukewarm hard water? His hair was glued to his scalp, his fringe tickling his eyelids; he brushed it out of the way and closed his eyes with a sigh of contentment. Through the patter of the water his ears couldn’t pick up the same, if slightly clearer, skittering noise from in the hallway. He began to hum a song under his breath that he had heard on an AMV on Youtube. He liked the song; it had operatic and metal elements which added up to awesome for the boy. He brushed some hair out of his eyes and opened them. He began staring at the tiles…

And then immediately about faced and covered his manhood. What was that thing doing in there? How had it gotten in there? A silver creature stared up at Matt, occasionally shaking its stubby legs free of the water which pooled around its small form. Above and below its watery blue eyes were featured a black dot, smaller on the bottom which made it look like it had a nose. Its shiny underbelly was a darker shade of the silver that ornamented the upper part of its body. Its head was about the same size as its body, which seemed to shine slightly in the light. It showed no malicious intent; it merely stared at the big pale creature who liked the water.

Matt poked the creature with his toe. “Shoo,” he commanded gently. It shook water off its left front foot/paw/thing. Matt frowned at it, drilling his eyes into its own in an attempt to freak it out. “Shoo,” he said again, more forceful but still not tactical with his choice of words. The strange Pokémon (Matt assumed it was one, considering it was not human, but the off topic part of his brain wondered if it was an alien) merely stayed put, staring up at the boy with its calm blue eyes. Something about it made Matt angry at the thing, its obliviousness and the fact it was even attempting to share a shower with him.

“GET OUT!” yelled Matt, glaring at the small Pokémon. “Leave here, leave my room!” Matt started to feel a bit dizzy, like when he stood up from his reclining position after being in it for quite some time. His hands started to tingle; he brushed it off as pins and needles. A curtain of darkness fell over his eyes, masking the sight but not the sound of the now glowing Pokémon shattering through the shower door. He rubbed his eyes, groaning, and caught the sight of the Pokémon zipping into the main room/bedroom, and flying into the front door, causing it to fling open and allow the creature to be free. Matt’s face was a mask of confusion. That Pokémon didn’t seem as it could fly, and it had glowed a faint yellowish colour. He forgot to be concerned about the broken glass that littered the ground, competing with the tiles for shininess.

~~~

“Yes, I get it. But what does that have to do with your lack of clothes?”

Matt groaned, rubbing his temples with one hand while the other held up his towel. This-Nurse-Joy-Was-Annoying-Him! “It has nothing to do with it! I just don’t have any others while my normal clothes are being washed! Just- can you repair the door? I dunno how that person threw that rock in-” He had constructed a lie. It was a little more believable than a flying but heavy-looking Pokémon. “-but the point is that they did and I don’t want to shower in there any more.”

Nurse Joy shrugged. “I’ll see what I can do; I’ll call the company that made the shower. Why don’t you go see your Pokémon? Your Mareep seems to get along okay with your new Buizel.”

Matt sighed, and headed towards the door he had seen the Buizel be rushed into as he brought it in. The door as closed; the room was silent beyond. He cautiously opened it. The room was unremarkable as far as hospital rooms went: a few chairs to the side, a bed with a thin mattress in the corner (Which was again sea-green; Matt began disliking that colour) and a quietly humming computer in the opposite corner to the bed. Barak was asleep on one of the chairs, chewing on a figment of his subconscious. The sea weasel was in the bed, eyes half closed and very much awake. Matt picked up one of the chairs with his free hand and dragged it next to the Buizel’s bed.

The Orange’s eyes snapped open. That small walkie was sitting right next to the comfortable moss-on-rock he was on. His eyes narrowed. Was the walkie going to hurt him again? His left eye twitched. His skin still hurt where the Cloud’s attack connected with his body. He emitted a low, warning growl. The walkie looked at him calmly, not phased at the noise. Instead, the walkie let off his own noise. “Hey,” the walkie said. “I’m- I’m sorry about earlier. It just, you know, looked like you were gonna kill me, and I like living.” Somehow, The Orange understood this, even if the words themselves made no sense. The walkie talked again; “Tell me about yourself. Do you have a name?”

Matt watched, confused, as the Buizel’s face turned utterly expressionless. It scrambled off the bed with the thin mattress, landing sloppily on the grey linoleum. It scampered towards the computer and clambered on to the chair. “Um… I don’t think you should do that!” Matt warned as the weasel began fiddling with the mouse. It brought up a word program. Matt walked to the PC to see why the Buizel had spontaneously decided that the computer was the go. Matt stared in wonderment as the Water type began tapping the keyboard, seemingly at random but spelling out some definite words;

1 /-\|\/| +3|-| 0|2@/\/(_- &

With squinted eyes Matt slowly decoded the message, though the lack of internet made it much harder. “I… Am… The… Orange?” he looked at the Buizel who nodded, but he noticed the creature looked equally confused at his display of 1337 prowess. “How did you do that?” Matt’s voice now had a tone of bewilderment to it. The Buizel shrugged, looking slightly pleased with itself. “Okay then,” said Matt, now looking to challenge this water weasel. “Why are you in Johto?” The blank look again came over its face.

1 \X/ L| 7_ 8 0 /2 /\/ |-| 3 |2 [- 101

“I was born here… one oh one?” The redhead frowned. “Strange…”

“Matt?” It was the Nurse. “Get off the computer. Your clothes are clean now.”

“Thanks!” Matt called. He turned to The Orange. “Um… You’re a he?” The Orange nodded. “Good… Um, Seeya later…” He turned to the sleeping figure of the sheep Pokémon. “Barak! We’re going.”

~~~

Sloven
01-26-2008, 02:11 AM
“Nup, kid, no-one enters.” The burly man crossed his arms. Matt found them reminiscent of those of a hairy Machamp. He smelt strongly of cigars.

“But it’s MY room!” emphasised Matt, spreading his arms. Barak stood patiently by the bipolar boy’s side.

“Sleep out here,” the repairman grunted, jerking his head to the left. Matt’s jaw dropped.

“You’re not serious?!” Matt inquired. The repairman grunted and closed the door in the young trainer’s face. “What a jerk!” confided Matt to his Pokémon. Barak merely looked up at him. Matt shook his head. “I dunno… I really dunno…” He walked off in the direction the man had motioned to, hoping that perhaps a little bed had been wheeled up here for his temporary sleep. The doors leading to other rooms dimly flashed by as the boy plodded to the other end of the hallway, groaning loudly as only a table decorated with a vase of flowers in front of a window marked where he expected a bed to be. The off topic part of his brain noticed it was nearing night time, the sun just peeking up from behind a local hill. Disgusted, he turned to walk back.

PadpadpadpadWHAM!

Matt flew for the second time that day after feeling a hard weight crashing into his stomach, but rather than encountering the slight sting of otherwise soft water his body crashed through the window. His mind dimly registered pain, and he instinctively reached out to grab whatever was nearest. He yelped as his hands caught the windowsill, being stabbed by a few remaining shards of glass. Panic washed his mind.

He felt absolute pure energy welling up inside him, gathering power like a SolarBeam drawing in sunlight. Matt identified it as a growing manic swing; he felt grateful to his messed-up mind for it coming now. He was dangling three storeys above the ground, with no-one around, he needed all the unnatural energy he could get. The energy ball exploded like a rotten melon inside him, all its power rushing through every inch of his body. He felt oddly happy. He laughed as he pulled up his body. He crouched like a predator ready to strike its prey on the window, still giggling. “I’MMA COMING, YOU THING THAT PUSHED ME!!”

He leapt off the sill with all the grace of a Snorlax, energy making him hasty. He dashed through the hallway, head sweeping this way and that. A fun game! A fun game where he got to hurt the thing back! Matt was enjoying this; he liked the idea of injuring the thing that pushed him. A glint of light reflected off something in his path; he instinctively knew it was the thing that had pushed him. He stopped as he looked to see what it was, laughing and growling at the same time as he identified it.

“YOU!” he roared cheerily, and despite the fact he knew he should be angry he just couldn’t bring himself to feel it. So instead, he ran full-belt at the strange Pokémon from the shower, and performed a soccer kick upon the slightly frightened looking creature. He yelled in pain as the thing did not move, feeling as though he had kicked a rock. He stooped down to massage his foot, giggling mercilessly. “NiceniceNICE move!” he told the creature, who stared dumbly at the manic boy.

“Aron?” it asked.

“No-ho-ho! I’m not Aaron! I’m Matt! BARAK! Get here!”

This call was unnecessary, for the small electric sheep had been following the hyperactive boy since he noticed the major increase in the energy of his trainer. Contrary to what Matt had wanted Barak to do, the Mareep tackled the redhead into the wall.

Matt glared at his supposed partner. How dare he attack the one who was supposed to be commanding the little Pokémon? The force of the knock into the wall caused a picture to fall off its nail and onto Matt’s head, letting off a slightly hollow sound as it contacted with his skull. Matt clasped his hands to his head, chuckling. It wasn’t funny, yet it was! “What has the world got with me?” he howled, though his cry wasn’t very pitiful. In fact, it sounded as if he was pleased.

“Do ya mind?” a hoarse voice (that sounded like it belonged to a male smoker) called through the wall. “I’m trying to freak out kiddies on Pokemon Elite 2000 Forums! I can’t find good pictures with ALL THAT NOISE!”

Matt ignored the voice, focusing on getting Barak to get off him. Every time he seemed to get free the electric fluffball just rammed him into the wall again. “Get off!” he growled at the Pokémon. “I just wanna hurt that that THING!” He pointed at the Aron, who was merely staring at the spectacle. Matt yelled out in frustration. He stopped struggling; finally figuring out it wouldn’t do much good, and instead resolved to throwing daggers at it with his eyes. “I’ve had a bad day,” he hissed at the small iron creature. Something- ANYTHING that could hurt it now would be good…

Matt again experience the strange faint feeling from before in the shower, but this time throwing in a giggle and a muttered “Hey, I’mma floating…”. The black shroud again blocked his vision for a few seconds. He heard a whoosh, like something flying through the air at great speed. The veil faded away in time for the now surprised redhead to see what looked like the vase from the table at the end of the corridor zipping past his head and colliding with the Aron. He burst into laughter. Excellent! He forgot to ponder why this strange thing happened- especially since he had a minor blackout at the same time.

He pressed his hands into the ground as be prepared to stand up, wincing as the pain from the windowsill sluggishly made its way to his brain. As he stood up he inspected his hands. There were three puncture wounds in total, two on his left and one in his right. A small splinter itched horribly as he touched it, imbedded in his ring finger on his right. He eased it out, feeling the euphoric energy seeping out of his body. He still managed to laugh through the pain. A rational part of his brain suddenly emerged, asking WHY, in particular, he was so angry at the little Pokémon, saying that sneaking into his shower was not exactly a good reason. It also wondered why it had tackled him through the window. Perhaps as payback for flying through the shower door, also made of glass?

Matt, though taking heed of these thoughts, didn’t bother to think about them too much. Instead he just felt like having a battle against the Aron. He took note of its type. It appeared to be a Steel type- That would be weak against Electricity, right? “Barak! Battle the Pokémon there!” Matt commanded of his Mareep. Considering Matt had calmed down somewhat, the small sheep obliged to his master’s wishes.

The Aron, sensing Matt’s desire to now battle it instead of killing it, had the confused look evaporate from its face to be replaced with one of determination. Matt’s still hyperactive mind formulated many strategies for attack, finally settling on one it found appropriate; “Okay, Barak, Growl!”

Barak bleated menacingly at the Steel type. It recoiled at the noise, shaking slightly. Matt never understood that attack as he found the growls generally cute. The Aron’s determined look came back. It leaned back and then rocketed straight at Barak. Its head came into contact with his chest, and with a slightly surprised noise Barak toppled over and rolled a few metres. Matt bit his lip. “Um… If you’re okay, Charge up!”

Barak shakily got up onto his hoofs, swaying slightly. His fleece seemed to grow rapidly, causing the sheep to look a bit like a flaxen fluffball. The Aron backed off slightly, confused at the sight. Deciding that it seemed it wasn’t going to attack, it again charged forwards. Instead of ramming Barak, it leapt into the air. Three metal spikes form of one of its stumpy front legs. Matt saw a flicker of fear on its face as it remembered the intimidating growl, causing it to lose some focus as it brought the clawed foot down on Barak’s back. The Mareep bleated indignantly as some of his fleece was slowly dyed red from his own blood.

“Now Discharge!” Matt called, hoping this strategy would sufficiently injure the opposing force. Barak’s swollen body slowly shrunk down as his tail began glowing with yellow light. A few lightning sparks jumped from his fleece to the orb tipping his stripy tail. Soon Barak’s fleece was down to its normal size if not slightly smaller, and his tail illuminated the whole hallway. A streak of lightning then erupted from the orb, zigzagging on its way to the desired target. Matt’s fists were clenched as he squinted against the light-

~BOOOM~

The bipolar child grinned at the sound, waiting to see the condition that the Peeping Tom Pokémon was in…

~~~

The Orange grabbed at one of his tails. Boring, boring, boring. The big walkie with the elaborate hair was staring at the humming thing, occasionally touching a round thing that squeaked every time her finger came into contact with it. The Orange pondered the strange little walkie that had captured him. He had seemed really angry with The Orange, commanding the Yellow Cloud to hurt him with the sparkling light. He was so mean back then, but now he was apologizing. The pink-haired walkie even said that the red-orange-sand haired walkie had brought him in to have his burns treated. That was a nice thing to do, to not let him die.

~BOOOM~

The Orange squealed as his moss-on-rock shook slightly with the sound wave. The pink-haired walkie looked alarmed. “Oh, for goodness sake…” she murmured before hurriedly exiting. She didn’t close the swingable flat tree fully as she left. The Orange sat up. He heard a very muffled yell coming from somewhere above him. He looked up. No, only a horizontal flat tree was there. But what if the cry came from… above the flat tree? The Orange didn’t feel so bad now, so he decided to investigate. He fell out of the moss-on-rock and scampered out the swingable flat tree.

~~~

Matt let out an exasperated yell. The Aron was standing exactly where it had been before, looking fairly pleased as a faint grey bubble faded out of existence around it. A protect! All that thought and it uses protect! He yelled the first thing that came to mind- “Just Thundershock it!” Barak, equally miffed, charged up slightly. Like with the Thunder attack the small lighting bolt came directly from his fleece, this time making contact with the Aron. It squeaked, sounding like a rusty joint and recoiled slightly. Matt sighed in relief. It got it- Thank God.

The Aron turned around so that its back end was facing the duo. Matt frowned, slightly confused. The Aron began what looked like digging with its back legs. Wet soil formed under its feet, which was quickly kicked up into the face of Barak. The sheep snorted. The mud was coming faster and in bigger volumes, eventually covering the Electric type. Barak stumbled about, and to Matt’s horror, collapsed with his eyes closed. The Aron has a superior look on its face.

The elevator door slid open, and a particularly angry Nurse Joy stiffly walked out. She looked down and up the hallway, and spotting the boy who was now kneeling over his unconscious Pokémon started to yell at him. “What do you think you’re doing? You’ve probably annoyed all the tenants here! Why are you-” The nurse noticed that the eleven-year-old had a mad look in his eyes. Why was that? He then started to laugh.

“Bah, nurse. Lea’ me alone, gotta take down this little Poké here!” He giggled again. The nurse looked past the boy and saw a metallic shape. She gasped quietly as she recognised it. This Aron was brought in by a trainer from Hoenn a month or so ago. He had never bothered to pick up his little Aron, which she remembered as being a female, thereby releasing it- Pokémon who had not been recalled into their ball or been near their original trainer for some time were considered released. But why was it here still? The Nurse hadn’t seen it for a while; she’d assumed the little Steel type had run off.

Matt heard hurried running from within the stairwell close by, an orange shape forming against the darkness. This soon took the form of a slightly tired-looking Buizel with patches of charred fur. “Orange!” Matt happily said to the Buizel. The Nurse, who did not know about the fact that that Buizel could write in leet and therefore tell Matt his name, thught the boy was quite crazy.

“Orange~ can ya help me?” Matt asked of the water weasel. The Orange seemed to contemplate this before nodding. He turned to the little iron creature. “Okies then, Orange, Aqua Jet it!” The Orange nodded and opened his mouth, a few small fangs glinting against the darkness. A small trickle of water dripped to the floor before a large gush of water suddenly sprayed from his mouth. The Aron squeaked in fright, but this was unfounded for the water covered The Orange in a sphere of the liquid rather than her herself. The Orange grinned, which was distorted by the shifting waves of the ball, and flew at the small Pokémon. When the ball touched the Aron it exploded into a fine mist, but blew the Steel type back into a wall. She shakily got up and faced The Orange.

She again ran forwards to confront the opposing Pokémon, eyes narrowed in concentration. It headbutted The Orange’s left leg, causing the weasel to fall over. He got up, massaging his leg and executed an attack without his new master’s consent, much to Matt’s annoyance. His cheeks bulged out alarmingly in preparation for what Matt remembered as being the Water Gun as The Orange turned to face his opponent. The stream of water hit dead-on, causing the little Pokemon to tumble over. She stopped moving.

Matt crept towards the Aron, chuckling sadistically. “That was AWEsome, Orange!” he congratulated. The Steel Pokémon looked peacefully asleep, chest rising and falling. Matt, though glad at the little thing’s pain, was glad it wasn’t dead. “WAAAAAHHOOOO!” he cheered, jumping into the air with one arm raised. As he began a victory dance the Aron stirred. She saw the human looking happy, no doubt at her pain. He had hurt her too many times today. She had hurt him with the window, but that didn’t seem enough. She painfully got to her feet, crouched back, and attempted to Headbutt the infuriating human. He was nearly as bad as her previous trainer! She leapt up and came into contact with his waist.

Matt stumbled sideward. One of his Pokéballs fell to the ground with a thud, and began rolling around violently. Had the Aron jumped into one of them? He watched intently, confused as the Aron continued its fight against the confines of the Pokéball…

~~~~~

Ready for grading~

Splishee
02-03-2008, 06:45 AM
Here's your grade! Sorry for the wait.. I kind of.. forgot about it :oops: I hope the grade is worth it. :P

Plot

A boy named Matt has just successfully caught a Buizel, and is planning on travelling to a Pokemon Centre to heal his Pokemon, which also include a Barak. After a few funny and frightening events happen, they arrive at the Pokemon centre only to be told that Matt needs to spend the night there, as his Pokemon are too injured. While Matt is in his suite, he is disturbed by a little Aron, who is later confirmed to have been abandoned there by a trainer. Matt becomes very mad at the Pokemon, and after it smashes his shower, he seeks revenge when he sees it again. After being denied access to his Pokemon Centre room, he spots the Aron and battles it with his Barak, who faints, and finally his Buizel, who is victorious.

Phew! Now, the plot is fairly good seeing as Aron is a medium level Pokemon, but I found myself getting confused in parts of the story, as I didn’t read the first chapter. I did that on purpose so I could see whether you included all of the necessary information, and you did.. Over time. When you shifted the first person from Matt to Buizel, it was certainly very confusing; I was thinking, “What’s an orange? What’s a walkie?”. You should try and keep up the description of things such as strange and unusual as that throughout the story, especially if it has a few chapters, and the grader doesn’t want to read through the entire chunk of story that was before it.

I liked how you made Matt stay in the Pokemon Centre, how it was like a whole little hotel above it.. Very cute. I find it weird that you didn’t give any explanation for a lot of things, however. Such as, why Aron stayed there for that long time, why the guard couldn’t let Matt in his room.. Etc. It left me wondering, and you never answered those questions. Maybe not the second one so much, but the first one should have been answered to the best of your writing ability, showing Aron’s emotions about his trainer leaving him there, perhaps?

Introduction

Again, if one had not read the first chapter, they would not know what you were talking about. You just continued the story from where you left off.. Which would be fine if you were writing a fan fiction, but when you are asking for completely separate graders to grade your work, you should probably include an overview of the previous chapters. Graders only need to grade one particular chapter, and probably don’t want to read through all of your story. Since your story is relatively short, it wasn’t that big of an issue; but I can tell you will continue this story, so after this chapter you’ll probably need to do that.

All that said, your introduction was kind of lacking on the who/what/where/when/why basis. You didn’t tell us where they were, all I got from it was that they were in a forest? We didn’t know that they were going to Goldenrod until quite a bit through the story, so you should have told the reader, at least subtely, where they were headed. Even a, ‘Matt decided that a Pokecentre would be the best place to travel to at the moment,” would have sufficed.

However, I don’t mean to sound cruel - your introduction’s descriptions were really good. Definitely fine for a medium level Pokemon. But just try to give us a little more information about the character’s motives and whereabouts, even if it is a continued chapter in a story. It is a lot easier for the grader.. Since it is a whole new Pokemon to grade. :P

Length

Yes, it was over. Very much over. I think you know that, as Aron is a medium level Pokemon and your story was roughly.. 30 K? Just remember that although length is an important aspect, what is more important is making your story’s plot and descriptions as good as they can be. Amazing length won’t always secure a capture.

Grammar

Ahh, my favourite section. Where the grammar Nazi within me comes to life. :P Overall, your grammar was fine. There is the occasional odd word placement in there, but obviously aren’t important enough to mention in a grade. I’ll let you look through it yourself to find out. ^_^

However, here are some errors that you probably aren’t aware of, so I will point them out so you recognise them in future story writing.

“Good ole days”

This was when you were describing Ecruteak City. ‘Ole’ isn’t the correct term. It’s actually a misspelled version of the word, “Olé’, which is an expression of triumph. I think you meant it as a slang version of ‘old’, as in, ‘Good old days’. In that case. It should have been spelt without the ‘e’, instead putting an apostraphe to signal that there is a letter missing.

“Good ol’ days”

Obviously, that isn’t grammatically correct, as it is slang. So you really shouldn’t have written it at all, but if that’s what you meant.. That’s how it’s spelt. :P

And then immediately about faced and covered his manhood.

I’m not sure what you meant in this sentence. I think it was just oddly constructed, or was it a wording error? Whatever it was, I just thought you should know that this sentence was.. Odd.

It shook water off its left front foot/paw/thing.

This isn’t technically a grammatical error, but you should avoid using the word ‘thing’. This was pretty much a bad description, saying that foot/paw/thing is how you would describe it in real life; not in a story.

This-Nurse-Joy-Was-Annoying-Him

I don’t know what kind of emotion you were portraying in this sentence, but you should avoid doing things like that. Putting dashes between words should only be used in dialogue, to describe how the person is speaking. Putting these in descriptions is a big no-no, and makes the story look messy.

Matt again experience the strange faint feeling from before in the shower

This was a simple word error. One of the many, so I’m only mentioning this one. ‘experience’ should be ‘experienceed’.

Barak stumbled about, and to Matt’s horror, collapsed with his eyes closed. The Aron has a superior look on its face.

This is an example of a past/present/future tense error. You mixed up words that were in different tenses, putting ‘has’ (which is present tense; he was doing it right now) which should have been ‘had’ (past tense), as the rest of the sentence was in past tense.

I’ll finish up on the grammar, but I think you should know that there are a lot more mistakes which I didn’t include. I know you must think that I think your grammar is hopeless - but it’s not! It’s actually one of the best stories I’ve seen grammar wise. You are very good with your punctuation and such, it’s more the occasional spelling error or odd sentence construction. ^_^

Description

I’m not sure about this part. It was bitter/sweet for me. Your description was good most of the time, and you were able to describe everything around the character spot-on.. But a lot of your descriptions seemed.. Unprofessional. It was as though you were just saying them to your friends in the way you usually spoke. This is understandable, as your main character is a boy who would see the world that way, but it was often frustrating for me to read, when I wanted to read the story as a story; not descriptions made up of English slang.

Still confused? Me too, kind of. :P. I’ll give you some examples of why it bothered me a bit.

His hair was poofing out! He’d look like he had an afro! He sighed, defeated. He never thought much about karma, but here it was, making him look like a disco-goer.

‘Poofing’? ‘Disco-goer’? Umm.. I can understand what Matt was thinking, and that was the language he would use, but it annoyed me when I read it. I would have liked to see a nice description of it, and Matt’s feelings about it from a third person’s perspective. Something like:

Matt’s eyes widened with horror as he realised his hair had morphed into some kind of static frizz spectacular. Suddenly feeling self conscious, he cursed and continued walking, thinking only of the karma which would, supposedly, be surrounding him at this moment. So this was his punishment for laughing at his Barak’s misfortune?

Do you understand my point? I hope so..

Apart from that, your description was, overall, very good. ^_^ I enjoyed your descriptions of the Pokemon Centre bathroom, especially.

Battle

I quite liked the battles. Putting aside my description annoyances, each attack was described really well. I liked how you incorporated the surroundings into it, and how it was consistently two sided. The thing I liked best about your battle, however, was the fact that it wasn’t simply a ‘battle’. The characters were all over the place, Matt went flying out a window, Buizel was running down the hall towards him.. It was very action packed, which could have been too much to write, but you did it excellently.

What I did find a bit strange, though, was the fact that Aron was gathering soil under her feet on the third floor of a building.. O.o

My favourite attack was definitely the Aqua Jet by Buizel, you described the emotions of Aron and the appearance of the attack very well. However, I thought it was a little unrealistic how Matt just called Buizel over to battle with him, and Buizel obliged without a second thought. I think there should have been at least a little bit of description of Matt’s desperation for Buizel to cooperate with him, or Buizel, not willing to fight the strange-looking Aron.

Final Outcome

Your original plot, length, good descriptions (great for a medium level) and nicely-described battle won it for you. I really enjoyed the story overall, so I have no trouble saying: Aron captured! Aggron is, by far, one of my favourite Pokemon, by the way. Hope you have fun with him! :P