View Full Version : Catching Beautyflies

12-31-2007, 11:28 AM
Ok, breathe. You can do this.

Who am I lying to? I'm never going to make this.

No, I can- I must. It's now or never.

Err- can't now be like, in two weeks?

I said it's now, and now must be.

I shook my head, trying to recollect my thoughts. I had already waited enough. I couldn't let this go on forever. It wasn't healthy.

Now, what I am going to say? Think, think, think. "Hello Bella, you know, I always loved you since we hatched together. Would you like to be with me for the rest of your life?"

Nah, I'd probably scare her off. Nothing makes people run faster than a matrimony.

Something easy, smooth. "Yo sweetie, wanna be my girl?"

Who am I fooling? I will never manage to say that. And either way, she would probably think I am crazy.

Which, by any meaning, I am. I am totally crazy about her. I mean, how couldn't I? She is so damn beautiful... So unbelievably smart... So wickedly funny... So... Glorious...

Erg, I'm sighing. No good. Pull yourself off, man. Don't you have a little bit of pride?

I think my pride rolled somewhere last time I tried to tell her.

Never mind what I'm gonna tell her, I'll think about it on my way.

I snuck out of my home - a burrow under a big old lemon tree, planted ages ago by the men and left to its destiny, like the rest of the woods, when they felt it was too hard to continue living of this ground's products. We Pokemon took care of the plants, letting them grow, living along and one of the other, and now no human approach was tolerated, especially claiming these grounds as their. Of course, we let the strangers pass through.

I took another glance at my home, inhaling deeply the sour smell I so much enjoyed. I found it interesting that they planted it alone, before all the other. Its trunk was smooth, sometimes scarred, sign of my accurate sapping- it was a good substitute to my usual food, and very nourishing. Only, not very tasty.

Ok, enough fooling around. I have a mission. Now, if only I knew where she is. I'm sure she told me yesterday. But what did she say again? The only thing I remember is how the colorful pattern of her wings- black, with dark green stripes and dots of every color of the rainbow- glittered in the sun, or how she diplomatically turned off an hopeful Ledian. Gosh, how wonderful she did look when she abruptly crushed the hopes of her fans... She always has a tone of kind severity, clearly stating that the situation wasn't going to change anytime soon.

And this worried and relieved me at the same time. First, even if she turned down every hormone-happy guy that asked her, I knew somewhere there was someone who would've been able to conquer her heart. Then, I was worried that she might turn me down too, and we would lose what we had. But I was tired of waiting the one who would take her away from me, and if I didn't try, I would have regretted it for my whole lifetime.

I shook my head again, trying to recollect yet again my thoughts. Why did I have to always lose my mind when thinking about her? It was far beyond my comprehension. I headed for Peach Alley, where she resided, hoping she didn't get out yet. A vain hope, as she always was up bright and early, and it certainly wasn't early today, as I spent more time than needed in my room trying to memorize a speech that I -sigh- forgot already.

"Look!" a voice full of fear shouted. "A Fearow! Behind you!"

As soon as I heard that, reality made her way through me with elbow smashes in the belly. A wave of pure terror thrilled me, as I instantly turned back to face the menace threatening me, a slight adrenaline rush filling my body. And then...

Nothing. Not even the faintest shadow of a menace. The terror was replaced by embarrassment, as I realized I had been tricked.

"Louie! You cheap son of a Jynx! Do you want to kill me at this hour of the morning?" I asked angrily, annoyed to have been caught off guard so easily.

"Hey hey. Keep your mouth well-mannered, or I'll have to wash it with soap. What would your mother say hearing you swearing like that?" he teased me. "Beside, you were so worked up, I just couldn't resist. And admit it, you would've done it too."

I grinned, and we both erupted in a roar of laughter. Louie was a prankster, the best you could find around the wood. He loved to play these tricks all the day, often joined by me when I had nothing better to do. He knew me better than anyone else- except maybe Bella. But that was different.

I was always surprised at his appearance. You wouldn't call him handsome- his specie was never known for that trait- yet there was something about him as a whole that was unexpectedly attractive. Maybe it was his orange lobster-like face, he was able to make utterly funny expressions. And the ones he worn usually weren't an exception either. Or probably it was just his mushrooms that made him attractive. They smelt good even to me, I didn't want to know how they worked on girls.

"Lemme guess, it's about Bella, right?" he asked, hitting the spot.

I sighed. "Is it so obvious?"

He chuckled. "Well, it's not, but being your only thought lately it wasn't hard to guess. So, what's going on now, a real catastrophe, or you're just in the middle of your weekly dilemma? You know, I can see a tradition in the making," he replied, snickering.

I rolled my eyes. "Don't you have the least faith that I might actually be able to declare?"

"Nope," he said in a challenging tone.

"What about you then?" I asked. "Aren't you going to try your luck?"

"I got over it ages ago, mate. For my, your and her sake. Besides, if I ever tried, I doubt she would've resisted to my charm."

"Right. Unfortunately, not everyone is born with parasite mushrooms on their back." Roll-eyes time.

"Nature gives to whoever needs," he replied in a playful tone.

Yeah, I thought grimly, nature gives to who's in need. But what has she given me? I'm not attractive, or strong, I can't fly, swim nor I am good at courtship. And I don't have prized parasites growing of my own fluids to make up. I am neglected at everything.

"What's wrong now?" Louie asked worried.

"Nothing!" I quickly answered, giving what I hoped to be a playful grin. "Or are you suggesting that there's something wrong with me?" I added, teasingly.

"Well, of course there is something wrong with you, you're my very best friend you know. But you seemed worried."

Observant... "It's just that I need to find the courage to tell her. Which makes me wonder, have you seen Bella this morning at all?"

He shook his head, leaving me disappointed. "But sure she's not home, I didn't see her there- and you know, I live exactly in front. I think she is at the Flower Garden, breaking hearts as usual. Else, I don't know."

"Thanks, mate. You saved me a trip to her home."

"No problem. After all, you're funnier than everyone here," he snickered. "I can't wait to see how this turn out."

I resisted the urge of clawing his Paras' face, muttering a "See you later!" while turning and heading south, to the Cydrus Boulevard and to the garden.

It was a big open space, where Pokemon usually gathered for a walk, or some random snack, as, surrounded all over by trees, colorful wildflowers- orange, violet and white- grew there, and even some not-so-wild ones- such as roses, lilies and daffodils- that the wind or passing Pokemon brought. The trees' foliage covered most of the sky, glimpses of sunlight boldly making their way in. The air was faintly green due to that, casting an eerie looking at everything was there. It was very colorful and, in sunny days such as that one, beautiful beyond your imagination. A beautiful alien meadow.

And there she stood, right in the middle, the only spot where the trees left some space to the blue sky to peek in, a few admirers hastily flying around my Bella trying to get her attention. She was resting, eyes closed, wings spread, sending glitters all around, tiny rainbows dancing around her due to small movements of her wings. Suddenly, the meadow seemed not spectacular as it was, eclipsed by her beauty. It seemed almost... Dull.

I looked around, checking who was there. If I had to declare, I wanted the least audience possible, in case of a turn down. On the other hand, if she did like me... But I didn't want to get my hopes up. A Caterpie was hanging on a silk cradle between two trees, at the very edge of the area. She was sleeping, her mother's lovely attention over her. Probably not all, pitying how annoying it had to be for Bella in the center, as she peeked sideways to her. Or maybe she was just envious. I doubted it, through, as she had what she wanted.

Most girls didn't bother more cursing her beauty, it was useless and unhealthy for them. Most just sighed in defeat, and waited for a male to come back to his senses and end the useless worshipping, but other weren't so obliging, secretly wanting to take her place... or to get rid of her, since that wasn't possible. A young Lediba eyed me suspiciously, and when I noticed it, I gave her a wide smile. She instantly blushed, and looked away. Wow. I'm charming.

Overall, there weren't many people. A few sighing young Surskit teamed together, chatting, added to the already existing crowd. Good enough. And there she was, dazzling as ever, beautiful, god-like...

Erg, I sighed out loud. Again. Must. Refrain. From. Sighing.

Easy to say. How can I when she's so... So... So perfect!

Oh no. I did it again! I do hope nobody saw me.

I glanced around. No one looked at me, everybody was astounded by her, or not caring about her at all, and besides, it wasn't much of an event, you always heard someone sighing in her presence, of different kinds of admiration.

Get a grip, bug! You're a Nincada or a trained Pokemon?

Easy to say...

Oh my, will I ever learn?

"Wonderful, isn't she?"

I turned to see who it was that had asked such a rhetorical question. Slowly flapping his wings, he hovered over the ground. The tangled black pattern over his light pearl wings was a mark of his family, and the scars over his still pretty, purple face spoiled who he was. Rather famous around, kind of a local hero. He was Michael the strong, Mister "Hey-you-out-of-my-tree". The best, strongest, smartest, big-headed and fairly admired Butterfree. Great, as if we were at a loss of jerks. "Yeah," I simply answered.

"She's the most gorgeous thing around here, don't you agree?"

Now, what does he really want? "She's much more than that." He couldn't know. He didn't want to know.

"What do you mean?"

How could I explain him that she wasn't just a trophy to be hung on a wall? "There's more than meets the eye, you know. And just because she's so good-looking, everybody is after her."

He smiled. "You must know her pretty well."

I gave him a dirty look. Certainly, more than you are interested to know. "What do you want?"

"Straight to the point, are you? I was just wondering if you could introduce to your friend," he landed, and came nearer me, murmuring in my ear. "I can reward you pretty well for this small favor."

"I'm sorry, but today I'm not at all feeling like doing favors. And besides, I highly doubt Bella needs another admirer, but you're free to try yourself and go ahead."

As if summoned by her name, she opened her eyes, searching for me. Our eyes crossed paths, and a smile widened on her face, lightening my mood. All my worries were gone as long as she looked me. I was slightly aware Michael was talking to me, yet I couldn't care less. As long as she looked at me, nothing could go wrong.

She blinked, dazzling me. Then she stood up and graciously flew up, quickly disappearing, leaving a small cloud of spores to prevent her fans to follow her.

I couldn't suppress a smirk, as they were all startled by her sudden action.

"What happened? Where has she gone?" Michael asked me.

I tried to assume an innocent expression. "I don't know, Mike."

He didn't look fooled at all, but had no proofs I was lying. "Whatever, I'll seek her by myself."

Yeah, go, git, and let me go to her.

I walked away, aware that he was still following me, hoping I would lead him to where Bella fled. As if I was born yesterday!

I entered my pincers in the ground, testing how good it was for digging. The ground was slightly wet, not muddy, easily clawable and, since the trees were far enough from me, there weren't nearby roots on my way. The perfect place. My perfect place.

I closed my eyes, focusing on the task I was going to accomplish. It was so natural to me, I didn't need to look at what I was doing. I shut my mind, alerting my senses. Then, with quick swipes, I hastily made a hole in the ground, submerging myself in it, and continuing my way underground, where I was sure nobody could follow me. My body moved on its own accord, knowing better than my mind what to do.

I felt free under there, as if I was one being with the earth. I knew I could do everything under there. The problem was that, right after getting out, arrived at my destination, this feeling was annihilated by the anguish that my intentions caused me.

You got it covered man. You can do this. Now get up and go. I inhaled deeply.

I was in front of the big Gecko tree. It was the biggest tree you can ever imagine, hundreds years of dimension concentrated in few decades of ages, thanks to the careful and accurate actions that the Treeko, Grovyle and Sceptile did over the years. They knew every secret of their tree.

It was the biggest tree you might imagine: only its trunk was as big as an human house, and it was so high I couldn't see its top. Yet, it was there I needed to go.

"Goodday Duke!" a cheerful gecko-like Pokemon greeted me. "Bella just arrived. Need your way up?"

"Sure, Jacob," I replied with a smile.

It was our secret place, even if not very secret at all. Over the tree-top, all is quiet, a different world. There's a kind of attic there, carved in the trunk by the Elder Sceptile herself, where who wants can visit to enjoy the peace. And luckily for me and Bella, the other bugs were not exactly fond of the Gecko family.

He smiled me back, and let me climb on his back, using his leaf-like tail to keep me in place, then swiftly jumped on each branch 'till we were at the attic, empty but a beautiful butterfly.

"Thanks, mate," I thanked him. "Let me know if you need anything in change."

He smirked. "No problem, man." He lowered his voice." And about that, I actually have to ask you a favor... Do you think you could talk your Paras friend and, by any chance, get me one of his tochawhatever?"

Sounds suspicious... "I guess I may try but... Knowing the reason would help me convincing him."

He bit his lip, considering whether he should say or not the reason.

"C'mon, I'm not gonna tell anyone," I pushed.

"Ok, well. It's gonna be soon the Elder's anniversary, and I wanted to make her a nice present. However, I have nothing I can get her. Nothing suitable for a tribe leader, at least," he replied, frowning.

"Trying to impress mommy, aren't ya?" I teased.

His cheeks turned redder, and he turned away to hide the blushing. "I don't know what do you mean."

"I'll see what I can do," I said with a mocking smile. "Thanks again for the ride."

"No problems again. See you later!" and said that, he stepped back, leaving the ranch and falling down silently. I looked down, worried. Is he nuts? But when I looked down to see if he made it, I didn't see him at all. Stupid Ninja Pokemon show-off...

Meanwhile, Bella turned back and crept closer as he noticed my arrival. "Hey there, Duke. I was beginning to think you wouldn't come," she said playfully, with false worry.

I didn't expect to have her that close so soon. Say something, you idiot!

Damn! Tongue tied. Stupid love sickness.

"What's wrong?" she asked, aware of my clumsiness. "Did the pigeon pluck your tongue?"

I couldn't suppress a smile. "It's just... Man, you're so unbelievably good-looking these days. You never fail to dazzle everyone is in your way."

"And this counts you in too?" she asked playfully, a strange edge in her voice.

"Unequivocally,” I smiled widely. “At least, through, I'm not trying to snatch your affection."

"That's because you have it already, else you'd be following the line forming."

"Nah," I debated. "I'm not that desperate."

"Right," she nodded, smiling. Gosh, I'll never get used to it. Her face seemed different, when she smiled. As if every part of it had to change to not ruin the perfection of her glistening teeth, shown wide in her big smile. She flew to the edge of the attic, the Panoramic View, her flapping wings releasing a glitter powder around as she flew. She turned her head. "C'mon, get over here."

Without waiting a second invite, I reached her. We sat in silence for a while, staring at the deep cerulean sky, as a soft breeze moved the aged branches, creating a sort of eerie melody. It felt oddly good, to me. The sun shone, timid clouds avoiding its path. From the height we were, the forest below was a mass of different greens, and little sprouts of pale pink and lemon yellow were hardly visible- to normal eye, at least. My eyes were much more trained to see faraway things than the average bugs'.

She sighed, breaking the silence. "Man, I do hope I wasn't born this way. It gets so annoying, with everyone craving only one thing from me."

"I doubt you regret it," I softly argued. "You're so vane at times."

She smiled. "Perhaps you're right..."

"Still," I continued. "It's not fair. Everybody thinks that only because you're beautiful, your head is empty... Which I can't argue at times, but mostly it's all wrong."

She turned to me with a challenging look. "Yeah, talked the girls' expert," she teased. "What about your head then? It should be even emptier, if you're my friend."

"Au contraire, ma'am," I countered. "My mind works better that everyone else, as I'm supposed to provide conversation for both parts," I stuck my tongue out.

We both laughed at that, she was almost crying of laughter.

"I guess you're right," she said, turning her head to see the horizon. "But still, sometimes I wish I was born you."

Uh-oh. What does she mean with that? "I see no advances in being me. I'm not handsome, and I have no particular skills. I'm completely below ordinariness."

She shook her head. "Duke, you clearly don't see yourself well," she said.

I stood in silence, suddenly shocked by her unbelievable words. Did she really say what I heard?

As I stood silent, she continued. "Well, for once, you're the best digger around-"

"Call it a talent," I muttered grimly.

She didn't seem to notice, and continued. "Then, you're the only one able to make me laugh, regardless of the situation. And if you want, you can be quite a pest," she finished with a faint smile. I didn't know what to reply her.

We stood in silence for a little while, staring at the sky. It was awkward, but no one dared to interrupt it.

"You know," I finally managed, and broke the silence. She turned to me, wondering. "Sometimes I wish I was born you too."

"I can't see why, there's only one good thing in being me."

"What is it?"

She turned. "Having you as friend," she stated grinning.

I couldn't help grinning back. "Well, then never mind. I'm happy to be me. I wouldn't like to be my friend."

12-31-2007, 11:30 AM
We erupted in another roar of laughter, and after I said. "I have to confess you something."

She turned to me, deadly serious now. "Huh?"

C'mon, you can do this. It's the perfect time. You know it is. "Well, I was thinking-"

"I do hope you're not trying to declare your everlasting love," she mocked me. "I've had enough for today."

She's just kidding, don't believe her!

But what if she isn't? "You know, your fans are gonna go nuts if you don't show up," I chickened. "I think that Michael jerk was really pissed off when I left him behind, poor bloke... I wish I saw his face, it must've been a spectacle."

She seemed relieved. Of course, she can't like me. "Aww, we need to go already?" she said, falsely annoyed. "Can't we stay here a little while?"

I seriously wished to, but it wasn't healthy: the more time we spent this way, the more chances there were for me to ruin everything. And I didn't want to. "Let's you and I not push them more today, they might snap," I told her smiling widely.

She grinned back. "I guess it's a bad thing, huh?" she replied, then her face lit. "Do you want to climb down with me?"

Uh-oh. I smell danger.

But how can I tell her no? "What do you mean?" I asked a little frightened.

"C'mon, little coward, climb on my back!" she challenged me.

I knew this was coming. "Are you sure we won't crash? I'm a little heavier than your average backpack."

She looked almost offended, and spread her wings wide, making space for me on her butterfly back. I sighed, and climbed, closing my claws firmly around her neck, yet .

I loved being so close to her to be able to smell her scent. She had a floral smell, lavender probably, with a little of freesia, yet there was something else I couldn't recognize. So too perfect of her to like me.

"Are you trying to beat the world's record of sighs?" she suddenly asked.

Uh? What? Don't tell me I did it again. "No, it's just..." I was undecided whether tell her all or lie. It was so hard now for me, being that close to her. I chose for an half truth. "You smell deliciously, I never noticed it."

She blushed, and instantly looked away. "Are you ready?" she asked.

"Yup-yup. And remember, I'll retain you personally responsible if something happens."

She exhaled, and then threw herself down from the panoramic view. I don't know what stopped me from scream, yet I wasn't afraid. I could never be afraid near her. A thrill of excitement filled my body, making me almost shivering. I could feel the world whirling around me, the wind on my face, filling me even more of her scent. Despite the wind burned my eyes, I couldn't close them. I couldn't stop staring at her still, colorful wings, waiting for the right moment to start flapping, staring at her head, focused on something I couldn't see.

And meanwhile, the world around us was just a blurry indefinite rainbow spot, as we dived in the nothing, abruptly coming to a stop as she moved her beautiful rainbow colored wings, releasing glittering powder that burned my eyes, but made her even more spectacular, slowing and then landed, as if that was everyday business.

"Exhilarating, isn't it?" her voice was high, excited.

My face was green and my head was spinning. "Help me down before I ruin your pattern," I replied with the little self-control left. Definitely, tree diving would've never been top on my list of "TO DO AGAIN".

She looked at me anxiously. "I'm sorry," she said, loosening the grip around her neck and gently helping me down.

I tried to reassure her, but my voice was weak. "No, it was interesting, really."

"You're green, bug. You sure you're alright?"

"I'll be fine in a minute," I replied, closing my eyes, inhaling her scent, blanking my mind. My dizziness faded a little, and I found myself able to raise my head. "I guess keeping my eyes open wasn't exactly the best idea."

"Remember it next time then," she replied in a bright tone. I sure didn't ruin her mood.

"Next time!" I groaned.

She laughed, and I focused on that sound, like wind chimes softly ringing. She was better than a first aid kit. She was my personal Heal Bells.

I soon felt good enough to walk, so we made our way back to the more populated zones of the woods.

"I'm sorry I've made you sick," Bella suddenly apologized.

"Oh, don't worry. It was mostly my fault. Besides, it was something I'd have hated to miss."

She seemed relieved I forgave her, but seriously there was no need. I'd have done it thousands times again, just to smell her wonderful scent. "So," I asked her. "Did any of those admirers caught your attention?"

She shook her head, still walking by my side. "They're all so... Plain. To me, it's like someone made the original, and then made copies, just changing the shape."

I laughed at that. Phews, at least there's no one. "The princess is picky, isn't she?"

"It's just that they're not at all my type."

"Oh, and what exactly would be your type, if I may ask?"

She turned to me. "You."

Sure she's teasing. No way she can be serious. I laughed at her statement. "You like ugly and unskilled guys?"

She seemed annoyed. "Duke, how many times must I tell you? You are not ugly. You're... Well, you're like that," she said, pointing at a lone flower that managed to grow from under the trees' shadows. It was still closed, as if his time was yet to come. "You're like a bud. Your beauty is yet to come, but due to that you're thousands times as charming as a fully grown flower."

"Hm..." I mumbled. "Yet, I can't compare with a fully grown one, and I can't keep struggling with them to."

"You don't have to!" she angrily exclaimed. "Everything takes his time. Evolution too. Never force the nature, it's a lost match."

I grinned. "I love lost matches. They're a challenge."

She sighed. "It's wasted breath arguing with you."

We walked side by side for another while in silence, perfectly at ease. Every word would've been useless, until Michael approached us. Then swearing would've been my choice of words, but I stopped myself in time.

"There you are!" he exclaimed. "I looked for you all over!"

The heck. A sure way to spoil my good mood.

But, surprising both of us, instead of talking to Bella he approached me. "Did you think about the offer I told you earlier?"

Bella seemed as shocked as I was. "Hm... Not much actually," I replied to him honestly.

He didn't seem bothered at all. Liar! "Well, don't you introduce me to your friend?" he asked then.

I bit my lip. He cornered me. "You sure are demanding, aren't you? Well, I guess it won't hurt." I raised a claw, lazily pointing it toward one other. "Michael, that's Bella, but I doubt she needed any introduction from the way you stared at her earlier. Bella, this is Michael. You know, the g-" git "-uy I told you earlier about."

"Enchanted," he greeted. You're such a...

"Pleasure's mine," she replied a bit bothered. "Well, I have to go now, Duke, same place same hour tomorrow?"

"Maybe a bit earlier, Bella, if possible."

"Sure thing, mate," she said smiling, then waved us off and flew away.

As soon as she was out of earshot, Mike turned his attention to me. "Did you really talk her about me?"

"We can say so."

"Thanks mate, I'll be sure too return the favor."

I glared him. "First, I'm not your mate. Second, I never accepted, and don't even bother trying to convince me."

He bit his lip. "Your loss, man. You sure?"

I nodded. "Now, you're free to go back scheming to conquer her heart or simply her body," -I shook at the thought- "I have better things to do."

Then, I turned and walked away from him, lost in my thoughts. He didn't even try to follow me.

The rest of my day was dull, compared to what happened. It flew light-speed, I didn't notice it. Only a few images stuck in my mind: me asking Louie one of his mushrooms- he cheerfully agreed, when I explained him the reason. Always the sentimental type- , catching a glimpse of Bella on my way home, and sleeping on my lemon tree, under the stars.

That night I had the worse nightmare of my existence.

Bella was there, sitting under an elder tree. I went closer, but as I did so, she rose her head. "What you want?" she angrily asked.

I tried to speak, but I couldn't make any sound.

"Did the pigeon pluck your tongue?" she asked acerbic and then laughed. But it was the wrong sound. It wasn't her soft, musical laugh, it was... maniacal, almost.

I shook my head, and suddenly Michael appeared, and took Bella with him. I tried to run behind them, but I was stuck in quicksand.

It was just a dream.

No way she might like someone like him.

No way she might like someone like me either.

The following morning, I focused on getting to the Gecko tree as fast as I could, bringing the tocharasu and a daisy with me -Bella always loved flowers.

I decided. It's today.

Arrived there, Jacob was waiting. He didn't believe I made it, almost insulting to me. He confessed one tiny little bit was for himself- a push to evolution, that was his mother's greatest wish.

"You sure you don't want a bit too?" he asked me. "I doubt she'll mind, and after all you brought it."

Evolving into Ninjask... I would finally be worthy her presence. But...

I saw in a flashback her words the day before.

"No thanks," I declined. "I'm way more charming this way."

He looked confused. "If you say so..."

Then, as the day before, he let me climb on his back and led me up. I was too early, but I expected it. I started working on my speech when...

Two figures were flying to the top of the tree, aggressively dancing. I couldn't recognize them at first, yet I had a bad feeling.

I focused my eyes to foresight them... They were...


Can't be!

She isn't doing it!

Not with him!

I saw it happening a few times already, so I knew what were they doing. It was the mating dance, with which two Bug Pokemon joined their lives, before the real act.

The daisy fell from my claw. My world shattered in pieces. I couldn't continue to live that way, with my only reason of living had been so abruptly taken away from me. But what could I do? Despair filling my head, I could think no more. It was as if a thousand needles were making their way in my head, the most painful way. I couldn't think straight. I could bear it no more. I had to stop it, somehow. Anyhow. I jumped.

"NOOOOOO!" a loud shriek filled the air.

Goodbye Bella. I had a great time with you.

However, nature decided it wasn't yet time for me to die. My mind went numb, shying from the pain, and I felt a change, while still feeling the wind all around me and the world whirling like crazy. For a second, I existed no more, not a Nincada, but not a Ninjask either.

My claws grew bigger and sharpened, my legs atrophied to the point I could use them no more. My body lengthened and ended in a sting-like back. The tiny wings on my back, useless at all, widened and became bigger, to support my new weight.

I laughed at the irony of the situation. Evolution finally... A day too late, when I cared no more.

Yet I had no intentions of surviving, I made no efforts of flapping my wings.

The wind was slashing my face, I closed my eyes this time, and then suddenly, painless, the wind stopped.

Am I dead already? I felt a stone grasp all around me, but I did not bother looking what was causing it.

01-01-2008, 02:39 AM
Okay. I know this took a really long time, but I had reserved this back when I did have time and was on vacation in Florida. Then I got kicked off the computer that night and for the next three days we drove home in the car, so I had NO FREAKING TIME.

I sincerely apologize, and to make up for it, I made this grade extra long. In fact, it won't even fit on a single post. XD

Introduction: I like the way you started off with Duke just thinking to himself and through that giving us an idea of the situation – stories don’t usually begin that way, so it was a nice change to see. However, that doesn’t excuse you from introducing everything else; you don’t describe any part of his surroundings except for a mention of a lemon tree. You as the writer have to tell us just where he is, what Duke sees and hears and smells, what the weather is like, the time of day and even the season. You also told us close to nothing on the main character himself; while this is slightly different because the character isn’t a human, you should still try to describe his appearance a bit more, just so it’s easier for the reader to visualize the little Nincada.

Remember that the introduction is the most important part of the story because it’s when you are trying to get readers interested in the story and you are showing them the setting of the story. If you’re not telling them where it takes place or what it looks like, then chances are they won’t be that interested.

Plot Originality: This was very cute; a lowly Nincada is only one of the many bugs who is attracted to Bella, the beauty of the forest. Although for some reason she is the only female (where are all the others?), everyone adores her and begs for her attention. Duke is probably her best friend, but despite this is afraid of telling her how she really feels out of fear of rejection. The poor guy doesn’t even realize that she loves him back, but when he finally plucks up the courage to tell her, Michael is already there, and he is sure that the two have decided to mate! In his despair he falls to the ground and (randomly somehow) evolves, but then a human appears (complete out of nowhere o.O) to battle him and his friends. For some unknown reason Duke decides to be a hero and battles furiously, but the end is bittersweet, and he is taken away from his love.

Interesting story, with a cute little sideplot with the Gecko tree and Jacob, though it was a bit pointless (except to let him evolve, not that it made a difference in the end since he didn’t even stay to fight). Since Jacob now has a much stronger body, it would have been really neat to see both newly-evolved Pokémon fighting together against the bug catcher. It could also have been really neat had you incorporated the Elder Sceptile, such as maybe having her encounter Duke and maybe have her seen that he is in love with Bella and offer him some wise words about love. That could have been very nice to see, but it was decent the way it was. A bit simple for a Hard story, but meh.

Detail and Description: Not good. Like I said about the intro, you gave very, very little information about the world around Duke throughout the entire story – we know very little about the forest, the weather, the other Pokémon – anything, really. While this was a bit different since you’re focusing on Duke’s thoughts more than anything else (and you did a pretty good job showing us his train of thoughts throughout the story), you still need to tell us about everything else; it’s MUCH easier for a reader to get into a story if they have a clear idea of what everything around the character looks like, so it’s like they’re standing right next to the main character IN the story, not watching it with binoculars from far away. Just talk more about what Duke sees and hears – there is a lot going on in a forest at any given time; wind rustling branches, bird Pokémon chirping, bugs scampering along the ground or buzzing through the air, flowers blooming with their scent filling the air and so on.

It was a big open space, where Pokemon usually gathered for a walk, or some random snack, as, surrounded all over by trees, every kind of wild flowers grew there, and even some not-so-wild flowers that the wind or passing Pokemon brought. It was very colorful and, in sunny days such as that one, beautiful beyond your imagination.
This is the sort of place where you should really work to flesh out the scene. You really need to describe it more so that we can visualize it better. All we really know about this place is that it’s big and open, there are lots of flowers there, it’s colourful and sometimes it is extremely “beautiful.” This is pretty much useless because you’re not specifically telling us what it looks like, and it’s hard to form an image of it in our minds.

Okay, it’s big an open. What is it surrounded by? I mean, are there any plants? Is the sky open, as in is there a canopy of branches, or can you see the sky perfectly? Why does the sky look like, anyhow? The weather? Is there wind? Is the space filled with bugs? Tell us about what they look like and what they’re doing. Do their wings make any sounds as they beat? Is there a hum of conversation?

What about the flowers? What do they look like? What colours are they? Where were they brought to by the wind/passing Pokémon? How can you tell which ones are “wild,” whatever that means?

What do all the colours look like? In what way can this place be “beautiful?” Remember that everyone has a different idea of what “beautiful” means because it’s a completely subjective word, so you can’t just use it to describe something. Explain WHY it is beautiful, that’s the key.

She exhaled, and then threw herself down from the panoramic view.
This here could be really AWESOME if you wanted! Tell us what’s so “panoramic” about the view! Show us more about what it feels like as they rush towards the ground, everything flying past them in a green blur, the wind rushing past Duke’s ears! It’s fun! It’s exciting! Don’t tell us that everything looks like a shadow or that the wind is “slashing” his face – those make it seem dark and awful. He’s with his love, he’s happy, he’s ecstatic! You yourself said that everything is beautiful and full of colour, so even as he’s going fast he should be able to see all the colours! And the wind doesn’t hurt THAT much, it really can’t. You need to try to imagine yourself IN the scene and describe everything you see to the readers so they will be there too.
Like I said, you need to flesh things out so you’re not just telling us what something looks like; you’re SHOWING us.

This is also extremely important with the characters; don’t just TELL us that Michael is the most handsome Butterfree or that Jacob is incredibly swift and ninja-like Treecko or Grovyle (we don’t even know which one he is at the beginning, which is especially dumb because we really NEED to know his species so we can visualize him properly. Now, instead of just saying “Michael was handsome,” SHOW us in what way he looks handsome, or what Jacob looked like as he “disappeared.” Does Michael have wings that beat powerfully with intricate patterns and release light powders that shimmer around him with every wing stroke? Is Jacob completely silent as he retreats into the shadows, pale green skin blending perfectly with the greenery around him? By describing things such as these, it really helps the reader see what you want them to see in the way you want them to see them.

This is especially important for Bella. Duke sees her as being wonderful and beautiful, so you need to get the reader to see her the same way, since she is so important to the story. Show us what makes her so attractive so we’ll see her the same way Duke sees her. otherwise it is much harder to be able to relate to Duke and know how he feels and consequently once again the reader won’t feel very involved in the story. You also state that Bella is more than “a trophy to be hanged on a wall,” as if there’s more to her than just being beautiful. Okay…how? Why? We see no reason to believe what Duke says because we don’t see it firsthand. Show us what makes her so special and why Duke likes her so much in a way unlike the other bugs – is she nice? Is she funny? Does she have a nice personality? Is she smart? What aspect of her is outshone by her beauty? Because right now, all we can see is that she is pretty, nothing else, which is what you don’t want.

"Right," she nodded, smiling. Gosh, I'll never get used to it.
Okay, so she smiled. Big deal. Why does Duke like her smile so much? Tell us what her smile is like. Tell us why he likes it so much, why it means something to him. If we understand the way he feels, it’s better for us.

closing my claws in an iron grip around her neck.
I just wanted to point this out because it’s just…wrong. If he’s got an “iron grip” around her neck, that basically means he’s CHOKING HER. Very bad wording here. You do not hold onto the NECK of whoever’s back you’re riding on, nor do you hold onto them so tightly it will hurt them. XP

I loved being so close to her to be able to smell her flavour.
Ew, that just sounded dirty.

Basically, don’t use the word “flavour” if he’s smelling her. He should have been smelling her “scent.” Also, tell us what she smells like! Does she smell sour? Is it like a rotting apple? Or does she perhaps smell sweet, with a light scent that tickles the nose and is reminiscent of cherry blossoms in spring?

The bottom line: describe things more. XP

Dialogue: I don’t usually include this, but I thought I should just because the story really relies a lot on dialogue here and there are a few things I wanted to mention.

Firstly, the dialogue was generally very good. It was really great during the scenes with Duke and Bella talking and teasing one another – it was very cute seeing them take jabs at one another, and I think it was very well-done. However, what irked me was that the characters kept calling each other “man” and “pal.” To be honest, I really never heard people calling each other that, even if they’re really good friends. It just…isn’t said very much, so it sounded a bit awkward and made it seem a bit fake at times. “Mate” is fine, on the other hand, and sounds great, actually. :P

I also wanted to quickly say that you should try adding a bit more detail in how someone said something. It was great that you didn’t constantly use “said,” but seeing “he muttered” and “she asked” or “I thanked.” Try adding a few adjectives just so we have a better idea of their tone of voice. “he asked, irritated” “she demanded furiously” “I muttered quietly” all give a slightly better idea of how the character sounds as they’re speaking; try embellishing dialogue with small helping words like that.

Spelling and Grammar: This was pretty poor, I won’t lie. I don’t know if it was just rushed or if English isn’t your first language, but this certainly wasn’t properly proofread and there are very, very many mistakes. I’m pretty sure you didn’t even write this on Microsoft Word, because some mistakes are just silly misspellings that could have easily been found and fixed. You NEED to go through this again, or get someone to help you if you’re having trouble, because it is not good. I picked out some of your bigger mistakes and showed how you can fix them, but I didn’t bother getting every single one – it would take way too long and just be a waste of time. Please make the proper edits and proofread.

Nothing makes run faster like a matrimony.
I think you meant "Nothing makes a girl run faster than matrimony." Or something - I'm not really sure what you're trying to say.

like the rest of the wood, when they felt it too hard to continue living of this ground's products.
Should be "woods, when they felt it was too hard."

Of course, we let the strangers pass through - much due the mediator's job of a woman's Blissey.
The last bit should be removed since it just clogs up the sentence, and it doesn't make very much sense. If anything, it should be "mainly thanks to a woman's Blissey who served as a friendly mediator." Frankly, this part's just useless, though.

The only thing I remember is how the colorful pattern of her wings- black, with dark green stripes and dots of every color of the rainbow- glittered in the sun, or how she diplomatically turned off an hopeful Ledian.
English isnt like French in that the 'h' is usually silent. In English, 'h' is just like any consonant, so it should be "a hopeful Ledian." You made this mistake multiple times, so please try to fix it. You're see why it's wrong if you say it out loud; "an hospital" doesn't sound right. It should be "a hospital."

Also, this isn't really a thought, because he's telling us what had happened - he's narrating it. None of this should be silver. :P

Gosh, how wonderful didn't she look when she abruptly crushes the hopes of her fans.
You messed up the negative and the tense. You can either say it as:
"Gosh, how wonderful she did look when she abruptly crushed the hopes of her fans."
"Gosh, how wonderful she looks when she abruptly crushes the hopes of her fans."

I'm not attractive, or strong, I can't fly, swim nor I was good at courtship.
Should be "nor am I good at courtship" because he's talking about something in general, the way he ALWAYS is, not WAS in the past.

"Thanks mate. You saved me a trip at her home."
When addressing another person, there should be a comma before/after their name (depending on the situation.
"How are you, Bob?"
"Betty, are you okay?!"
"You're my friend, Arielle."
"Thanks, mate."

Also, he saved him a trip TO her house, not at her house. XP

"No problem. After all, you're funnier than everything has ever arrived here," he snickered. "I can't wait to see how this continues."
Should be "funnier than everyone here" and "continues" is a really crummy word to use. Instead say "how this turns out."

Ergh, I sighed again. Must. Refrain. From. Sighing.
Another instance where it shouldn't all be thought. If Duke is narrating what is happening - such as him sighing - it should not be in silver. Instead it should look more like this:
"Ergh, I sighed again. Must. Refrain. From. Sighing."

"She's much more than that," He couldn't know.
Another grader mentioned this to you, but basically imagine that when you have dialogue, the quotation marks don't exist. Now, use the normal punctuation rules: if the first bit can stand alone as its own sentence and so can the second, put a period at the end, then capitalize the start of the next sentence. If the two parts can NOT stand alone, but a comma instead of a period. Here are some examples:
"You look pretty today," he said quietly, blushing slightly.
There is a comma here because "he said quietly, blushing slightly" doesn't make sense by itself, so you need to make it all once sentence for it to make sense.
"I don't really like pie." She folded her arms and didn't pick up her fork.
Here it's a period, because both bits can stand alone without the other.

How could I explain him that she wasn't just a trophy to be hanged on a wall?
Should be "hung." I also want to say that I really like this sentence and it really shows how much Duke cares about her unlike the others.

I turned to see who was that asked such a rhetorycal question. It was Michael, the strongest Butterfree of the neighterbrood.
Like I said before, you have to SHOW us in what way he's strong and whatnot.
Also, it should be “who it was that had asked such a rhetorical” and “in the neighbourhood.”

I walked away, aware he was still following me, hoping I would lead him to where Bella fled. As if I am born yesterday!
Should be “aware that he was” and “As if I was born yesterday!”

I entered my pinches in the ground, testing how good it was for digging
“Pinches” is a verb, not a noun. I think you meant “pincers.”
Also, a bit more description of what it was like dugging through the ground would be nice. Just to sort of tell us about how the soil was easily pushed away by his pincers or how he felt the cool dampness of the earth all around him, sticking to his exoskeleton and whatnot.

My body moved on his own accord, knowing better than my mind what to do.
Your body is an “it” in English. Every body part is considered an “it,” not a “he” or “she” like in French and whatnot. Another neat way of describing what he’s doing, though; I like the way you said it.

Meanwhile, Bella turned back and crept closer, as he noticed my arrival. "Hey there Duke. I was beginning to think you wouldn't come," she said playful, with false worry.
Take the comma right after “closer” and instead put it after “Here there” (since a person is being addressed. It should also be “playfully.”

as a soft breeze moved the aged branchs, creating a sort of eeire melody.
This is what makes me think you didn’t use a word processor. It should be “branches” and “eeie.”

She sighed, broking the silence. "Man, I do hope I wasn't born this way. It gets so annoying, with everyone craving onl one thing from me."
Should be “breaking,” since “broking” isn’t really a word, and it’s spelled “only.” Also, this is sort of weird for Bella to say; she’s just annoyed by all the guys wanting to mate with her. she isn’t the least bit afraid or nervous or anything? I mean, animals know how to rape too, and I know that I would sure as hell be afraid of someone just kidnapping me or something. >_<

But, unexpectedly to both of us, instead of talking to Bella he approached me. "Did you think about the affair I told you earlier?"
“Unexpectedly” and “affair” are the wrong words to use here. it should be more like “surprising both of us” and “offer.”

I bit my lips. He cornered me. "You sure are demanding, aren't you? Well, I guess it won't hurt," I raised a claw, lazily pointing it toward both.
You only bite ONE lip, not both. XD Imagine trying to bite both of your lips! That’s…silly. You made this mistake in another place too.
Again here, it should be a period after “hurt.” And what do you mean by “both?” o.O

“Jake, Louie, run away, I’ll distract them.” I murmured. I wouldn’t let them sacrifice with me.
I was a bit confused when Jacob was called “Jake” for the first time here, but meh. Also, since I figure that Duke is pretty much yelling, there should be an exclamation mark, and you shouldn’t use the word “murmur” since it’s like a whisper. And the last sentence makes no sense whatsoever. XP

-It's spelled "Pokémon." Make the accent on the e by holding down Alt, then pressing 1 3 0 on the number pad.

-You should really make sure you're spelling all the Pokémons' names correctly, because it should be "Treecko," with a k.

-Please do NOT use a different colour to represent thoughts - especially silver! It's incredibly difficult to read on a white background, and it's silly. Instead, you should be using italics like everybody else does. XP

01-06-2008, 12:41 AM
The Battle: You had some great ideas and strategies going; you did a very good job using all sorts of different attacks, using them in original ways to make it into a heated battle. The battle certainly seemed two-sided, though I was a bit bothered by how quickly Volbeat was taken down I liked the way Scyther and Vespiquen interacted, and it was clear that they were close, strong friends, even though I was a bit shocked at how quickly Scyther got over Honey hitting him (and again, I didn’t like them calling each other “pal.”)

Like with the rest of the story, however, a few times I think you could have used a bit more description. For instance, they’re all in the forest and then suddenly Duke looks down and sees sand. This doesn’t really make any sense since it’s in a forest, and you never mentioned it being there before, so it was just a bit too coincidental for my liking. Had you described the ground as being sandy before this, you wouldn’t have this problem, though.
The attacks themselves could have used a bit more description at times, too. Just telling us a bit more about how Vespiquen sends the clear prism flying swiftly at Duke or Scyther’s huge blades flashing through the air and slicing his skin. You actually didn’t talk much about the attacks actually HITTING. For example:
Scyther take advance of it, and revenged harshly.
(btw, it should be “took advantage”)
Here’s an example of both not describing an attack and not describing actually getting hit. What do you mean by “revenged harshly?” What does it look like? And tell us about the attack making contact with Duke. “As Scyther flew forward, he slammed into me, sending me sprawling onto my back.” Show us the Pokémon actually reacting to the attacks; the pain they feel, their anger, determination! I loved what you did with Vespiquen wickedly sending the Power Gem “with love.”

Honestly, the battle was very cool, and I really liked some parts of it, but you really need to add more description.

Length: Great, since it was 4k more than you needed. ^^

Realism: Um, all the Pokémon have human names. That…really doesn’t make much sense to me. It’s your choice, but it’s always bothered me because they’re human names for wild Pokémon - I mean, if they're wild, how could they know that human parents give their children? It's just a bit odd to me. XP

Generally it was realistic and made sense, and I liked it. Some parts still didn’t make very much sense, like where are all the other females? Surely there’re all running around, trying to get the other bugs to NOTICE them instead of constantly staring at Bella, but nope, she’s the only character there, which bugs me (lol). Generally there is little mention of any of the other bugs, which is a bit odd. o.O I also don’t understand why he thinks sighing is so bad. I mean, it’s pretty much normal, and it’s a quiet thing, so he should shut up about it and stop making such a big deal. XP

The ending was also a bit strange. I mean, Duke is falling to the ground and then…he evolves. Nincada usually need experience to evolve, not a freefall. And he could have suppressed the evolution, but I guess he was too busy feeling sorry for himself to care.

Then a human suddenly appears out of nowhere. That just seemed a bit silly to me; the battle seemed really forced in there, like, where the heck did this guy come from? It broke up the story and really didn’t look very good here. What if instead, on her way to meet Duke at the Gecko tree, Bella is found by the human?! Maybe Duke goes to the tree and waits for her, but she doesn’t come so he gets worried and goes to look for her. Then he sees her on the ground, close to fainting with a human standing over her, so, in his anger and rage, he evolves! He heroically tries to fight off the human to protect the one he loves – and now, since the Volbeat is already weakened it makes more sense for it to faint from the Shadow Ball – but it isn’t enough in the end, and he loses! That would make the story MUCH better; you started off telling a romance story, and it’s silly for it to end any other way.

But anyway, continuing: a bug catcher appears, and it’s like the three friends are the ONLY creatures there. I said it before: in a forest, there is life EVERYWHERE; birds in the trees, other bug Pokémon all over, you name it. The bug catcher doesn’t even notice Bella and Michael. But then, even though Duke realizes that Bella still cares for him, he decides to put his life in danger anyway and battle THREE other Pokémon at once. He isn’t protecting his love, and for some reason even though Jacob is a perfectly capable, strong and now evolved Grovyle, he is told to leave and take Louie with him – why can’t the little Paras just dig a hole underground and wait it out? That seems a bit silly, because Duke has EVERYTHING to lose now that he knows Bella still loves him, and he won’t even let his friends help him. Yeah, that was just…annoying.

Summary: I had a REALLY hard time deciding on this one. There were a lot of negative things that hurt your grade, but it was an overall decent story. I wasn’t exceptionally impressed for a Hard story like this, and think that if you want to do well in the Winter Competition, you really need to fix it up. So I’m sorry, but after a lot of thought, I am going to say Ninjask not captured. Please try and edit it - you can get it if you really try.


01-07-2008, 11:00 AM
"Are- You- Mental?" suddenly a voice I deeply recognized asked me. The grip disappeared, so I forced to open my eyes and see what was going on.

"J-Jacob?" I asked. The figure in front of me was a bit taller than the average Treeko, not that usually Treeko had a long vine whip on their head, or razor- sharp leaves on their arms.

"Who else, idiot?" he replied. "What were you thinking you were doing?"

I took a deep breath, recollecting my thoughts. "Suicide," I finally admitted.

He shook his head. "And why would you such a thing?"

"Oh, c'mon. Don't pretend you didn't see them!" I snapped angry. "you saw it! They were -"

"They were battling," another voice said.

I turned to see who talked. "Huh? Battling?"

"Yes, battling," Louie repeated. "Michael stalked Bella all the morning to prevent her to go to the Gecko tree, and she wasn't able to leave him behind, so they started a fight."

The despair was substituted by anguish for what I did.

"I admit it may have looked ambiguous- probably that jerk was counting on that."

I flew up, but Jacob stopped me. "I have to come back!"

"Bella can handle it herself. And in the state you are now, I think you would do nothing good," he replied.

"He's right," Louie agreed.

"Then what should I do? Stay here while she's worried? I can't stand this!"

"Look at this! Three at the price of one!" an alien voice exclaimed.

We all turned to see who said that, stiffening. It was a nasty looking human boy, with dark green hair, a straw hat covering them, gray-ish shorts and a lighter t-shirt, brandishing a bug net as weapon. Man, I hate bug catchers. As if we need more problems.

"Go Honeybee, SirKnight, FyendFly!" he shouted, throwing in the air three things I didn't see well.

From the three things, three crimson beams erupted, aiming to the ground in front of us, shaping in three nastier looking bugs.

The first was a tall Vespiquen, crimson eyed, the forehead gem strangely triangular shaped. The second was a bulked up mantis Pokemon, with the sharpest blades I ever saw- they made my claws look bad. The third was a shabby-looking Volbeat, his tail rhythmically, but rather slowly and weakly, shining.

The heck, he's gonna try and catch us. I glanced at Jacob and Louie, doing math in my mind. I may escape, but I doubt they would make it. And fighting is not an option for them. Either the wasp or the mantis is too strong for Jake, even if he evolved, and Louie has never been a fighter. “Jake, Louie, run away, I'll distract them.” I whispered, with all the authority I could manage. I wouldn't let them sacrifice with me.

“But…” Louie interjected.

“Don't worry for me, I'll eventually make it, in a way or another. And the woods need your pranks,” I winked at him.

“We're not letting you alone against them!” Jacob yelled.

I smiled, feeling light-hearted. “Thanks, but you don't need to do this. Please, do me this favor and RUN!”

“No,” Louie shook his head. “I won't leave you here fighting alone.”

“Please,” I pleaded him. “I don't want to be faulty of your loss.”

“Honeybee, use Power Gem on that Ninjask! SirKnight, X-scissor on the Paras! FyendFly, Signal Beam on that Grovyle!” the trainer exclaimed.

Son of a... I won't let this happen. “Jake, pick Louie and get away. NOW!” I ordered. There was no more time.

I knew the terrain was not muddy enough to let my trick work, and so acted quickly, before the trained Pokemon could do anything. My speed had been seriously powered during the evolution, I was the fastest Pokemon around the woods. I flew in circle around the three foes, flying as close to the ground as I could, clawing the ground to raise dirt, grass and small rocks, clouding the view around them, shielding my friends.

“Wow,” Jacob said surprised. “That's one nasty Sandstorm attack you put up, you know.”

“Stop the random chatter and go!” I yelled. “And just so you know, that's not a sandstorm attack, I've comboed Agility and Mud-Slap.”

He nodded, and picked up Louie, that still didn't want to move. “I'll be fine,” I reassured him, but I doubt I fooled him. How can I assure him, when I'm not sure of it myself? “Please take care of Bella while I'm busy with this… bugger.”

I could see nothing in the dirt cloud, and I knew they couldn't either, nor their trainer could. And as soon as Jake and Louie were safely away, I focused on the battle. I knew they were struggling to know where I was, no point in making them wait. I focused on the pain I felt while falling down, soaking my heart in the dark depths of the despair and hatred. I curled my arms to shape a ball, dark with the feeling I was putting in it, and great in its destructive power due their intensity. I blindly threw it in the dirt cloud, and knew I hit something due the fact a loud but low shriek filled the air, paining my ears. As the dirt cloud cleared – No doubt that Scyther must have used Defog- I could see I hit the shabby firefly, sent it flying to his trainer, and fainted both.

“Wow,” I admitted surprised. “That was quick.”

The kid pulled himself together just after that. “Damn, that's a good Ninjask…. Huh? Where are the other two Pokemon?” he wondered. “Never mind, that Ninjask alone is worth it.”

You dare to catch me.

“Honeybee, use Power Gem again! SirKnight, Slash!”

That's gonna get funny.

I went as closer possible to the Scyther. Due my raised speed, his movements looked in slow-motion to me, I could easily avoid his slashing blades, and while that close Vespiquen didn't risk hitting his teammate, so I was perfectly safe. However, I could never win by stalling, so I had to play it smart. “You know,” I said to the big human-shaped bee. “Your names are funny. What kind of idiot gave you those stupid names?”

“Hey!” she angrily yelled. “Don't you dare to call my trainer idiot!”

Great, it worked. Swaggering is fun. Let's make it even worse for her. “Well, you can't call it a smartass either, who the heck wears such stupid outfit?”

She was blinded with rage. “Calm down, Honey!” Scyther ordered.

You want some too? “Tsk. You let other command you that way? You're soo weak,” I teased.

She could bear no more, and blindly launched a light prism from her forehead. I grabbed Scyther with all my strength, and swapped position, so that, confused as she was, the wasp couldn't change its direction, and I was safe. Scyther was hurt badly by his teammate, kneeling on the ground.

“I'm sorry,” she apologized.

“Well, happens. But don't make it happen again,” he kindly replied, breathing evenly to get back in shape of battling.

The guy bit his lip. “SirKnight, try another Slash! Honeybee, you too.”

“Ready, baby?” Scyther asked.

“Anytime!” she grinned, and both flew to me.

I wasn't prepared to avoid two melee attacks at once, and even if they were in slow motion, one attacked me from behind, covering the safe spots from my other foe's attack. Eventually, Vespiquen used her sharp fingernails to tear an hole in my wing. It was the end for me.

I couldn't fly well after that, and my precision in the avoiding was weakened by that. Scyther took advance of it, and revenged harshly. His blades shone faintly, emitting a menacing weal glow. I fell back, blood gushing out of the scars he made.

“Good. Finish off now, SirKnight, Aerial Ace. Honeybee, Power Gem!”

She closed her eyes, focusing not to hit her team mate, and the gem on her head shone. She raised her arms and touched her gem. Light fell out of it, and in the middle of her hands appeared a shining prism. She opened her eyes. “From me, with love,” she said, grinning wickedly, and as if she was swinging an human baseball bat, the light prism floating lazily in front of her, she moved her arms, throwing the shining jewel to me. I had merely seconds, I focused my remaining strength on creating a Shadow Ball, but it was too little, and couldn't destroy it. So I clawed the ground, and pushed myself up: at least my attack made her lose the accurate control of it. However, the side explosion of the collision hit me, and I fell mid-air, where Scyther, mean, attacked me restlessly from different direction, so I couldn't protect.

I fell down, exhausted. “Yay!” the guy exulted. Then rummaged in his pockets, and picked up a shiny sphere, throwing it to me.

It's the end.

My mind visualized one last time my loved one, her perfect face “I'm... sorry… Bella.”

01-09-2008, 04:57 PM
I would like to ask Psychic to cancel her previous posts, maybe reposting the grade if needed. I've saved it. and I need her to delete them to not ruin the flow of my story, as due my lenghtening and changing color(even if green is a letter less than silver Xp) I can't seem to find a good place to stop the first and start the second post, without breaking the limit of 20k per post, so I desperatly need three

Oh, yeah, here's what I had previously replied to the grade, + the first summary(i had to get it this down because else I don't have any space to put it)

Okay, I admit i did clearly bad in this story. Your grade will help me a lot and give you many money ;)

I'd like to point you a few things out:

1) I'm not english, I don't talk english, and I didn't spell-check my story. Bad on mu side, but I knew it would take ages for me to post it, and I had no time. Still, faulty on my side

2) Pokemon is spelled Pokémon, yet commonly Pokemon is accepted. And I was alwas unsure about treecko being right or wrong

3)To spoil my day, just tell me about my description. I suck at that, mostly might be due my not being english, but I won't try to find cheap excuses, and I tend to miss that alot. I'll have to work over it- and make it even longer, to your pleasure.

4) Seriously, you think Ninjask and Grovyle could take over a Vespiquen and a Scyther? Duke was thinking about his friends, he didn't want anything to happen to them, and he knew the only way to make it happen was to distract the opponent's pokemon to let them flee. Probably Paras could pack quite a punch anyway, using his spore, but this end was better to me.

5) You complained about Bella not being worried or frightened to be ambushed: she's strong enough to handle her fans, and if needed she can throw her stun spore to paralyze them and flee away.

6) Why can't Pokemon have human names? And what would a Pokemon name be? Like, Treecko1? Treko, or something around those lines? And, what if they heard those names from human? After all, they understood human speech, it's the other way around that doesn't work. Still, my story, my choice. Just wanted to point this out.

7) I know, the freefall idea was thrown there. Through, he had experience. Only, not physically enough to evolve. But, and this idea I picked from a book, strong emotions can fasten these things up, and you can say he was almost in physical pain

8) I know, but that Volbeat was shabby. and that shadow ball was particularly nasty. I always pictured shadow ball, not used by a ghost, as a kind of "Karma Shower", you know, freeing from all the bad feeling you recall when using it. And that was a bad memory, the one he recalled.

9) Italics is soo overrated(and an italian is telling you :p). But I agree silver might be hard to read. Would you prever another color? Green, maybe?

10) Ok, I didn't really describe Pokemon. But as FFK once pointed out, isn't that basically stupid to stop the narration just to describe a pokemon? After all, we all know what they do look like. I partially agree with this, I should've found a place, however, to describe them without slowing anything.

11) The other female were dying of envy somewhere hidden and the male were all after Bella, that's why in the end we don't see anything :p. Ok, lame excuse, I'll see what I can do with it.

12) I wrote this in three days, I'm not expecting to do well at all, yet I'll do my best and work again over this. Thanks for the grade

13) It's finally ready ;p

EDIT: since I can't seem to add this in the beginning, I'll add it here, else i can't make it in 2 posts
Ok, here I go. Hope you like it ;p

Sidenote: characters are all Pokemon -but the trainer at the end- and they are(no current specific characterization, I'm totally clueless honestly)
Duke - Nincada/Ninjask - Main character, in love with Bella, like everyone, and her very best friend.
Bella - Beautifly - The main object of desires of the area, she's in love with Duke too, but doesn't think he is.
Michael - Butterfree - A strong and handsome example of Butterfree. Like everyone, he's after Bella, only he's a bit more sneaky than the other
Louie - Paras - Friend of Duke, probably the smartest guy of the woods, since he got over his crush for Bella. A mischievous character.
Jacob - Treeko/Grovyle - Member of the Gecko tribe, guards the entrance to the tree- despite it being free, there always might happen problems- and acts as taxidriver between the various parts of the Gecko tree.

This story is for a Ninjask, and totally they're (not precisely) around 39k characters.

01-11-2008, 07:38 PM
Will regrade this soon, and sorry, but I was asked not to delete my first grade. Very sorry. ^^;


01-12-2008, 07:52 AM
Will regrade this soon, and sorry, but I was asked not to delete my first grade. Very sorry. ^^;


I'm not asking you to delete your grade, just to "postpone" it a few posts, just so the story will flow without interruptions.

however, if that's impossible, it's impossible. Sorry for bothering

03-25-2008, 10:31 PM
It makes me sad when this happens. :[

I'm so sorry you've had to wait this long for a regrade, DG. I really thought people would stop doing this.

Anyways, I didn't see what your story was like before, but for a Hard category Pokemon like Ninjask, this seems just fine. I like how you've been writing about love stories lately; they're interesting, and fun to see from you. Psychic gave you enough comments on this story that I don't really feel the need to make this any kind of formal grade. XD It looks like you did what she suggested to make this story better (even though I just skimmed her grade :x), and thus I'm going to have to say Ninjask captured!

Again, sorry for the wait.