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pikahero2
12-31-2007, 12:24 PM
Hullo' definatley my best story yet, I love the plot and stuff, NOTE: I had it done the 31st, which makes it eligable for the WWC, I switched computers a few times, so I couldn't post it here o:

I accidently deleted some of the story, about 6k of it, I'm a little short for time when I'm on a mobile, so I didn't rewrite the 6k.
I just left it at 22k.

pikahero2
01-02-2008, 08:09 PM
Name: TGC, Ch.1
Length: 228?? Characters
Pokemon: Eevee

Ashketcum212
01-02-2008, 08:42 PM
He then slowly and firmly took his hand down from his smooth head, at then heard someone screaming loudly from a distance.

“Help!” “Help!” The voice shrieked loudly.

Mark heard it was coming from around the block, as he started running past all the colourful house’s, quickly without a sound, Mark stopped, he then seen a boy, he was about the same height as Mark, he had dark brown hair, he had a white, gangster like shirt on, he had army coloured combats on him, and he had black and light green shoe’s. He had a worried look on his face.

“What’s the matter?” Mark shrieked to him worriedly.

“My Wartortle, he’s hurt badly!” The boy shouted in despair at Mark.

“How did it happen?” Mark asked curiously.

“We were battling a weird big, blue mouse, and I lost.” The boy said nervously.

“God, that’s harsh.” Mark pitied.

“Nah, not really, but you got to help me,” He worried.

“Alright, what’s your name?” Mark asked curiously.

“Xavier, or for short, Xavi.” Xavier explained.

“Alright, Xavier lets go!” Mark shouted.

Mark took off his jacket, as the rain started to come down heavily, each drop-by-drop, it was cold. Even though Wartortle was a water type, it would have made it sick, since it was already cold enough.

“We have to hurry, quick, take my jacket!” Mark exclaimed.

“But don’t you need it?” Xavier worried.
“No, Wartortle does.” Mark said bravely.

Mark had his jacket off, and wrapped it round Wartortle gently, and made sure Wartortle was ok. Wartortle was like an evil turtle, it had dark blue colours on it, and a white, shell shaped tale. Xavier carefully lifted Wartortle from the wet, slippery ground. Wartortle was deeply unconscious.

“I think we should run as fast as possible, right?” Xavier asked worriedly.

“Yeah, just make sure not to hurt Wartortle.” Mark answered.

As they started running quickly, through the thick, ghostly, pale white fog, it surrounded and captured the beautiful, clean and fresh air, the fog surrounded Xavier and Mark’s long faces. They ran worriedly through the ghostly fog, as the winds started to grow stronger and faster, the race was on. Mark and Xavier both knew if they didn’t hurry up, that it’d be too cold to keep running. The rain came down heavier, drop-by-drop faster than ever, it was strong and soaking, they ran through the mud-infested puddles.

“Wartor…tle…” Wartortle groaned in agony.

“Wartortle! Mark, I can’t keep running like this, Wartortle’s in bad shape.” Xavier worried terribly.

“Xavier, listen, I’ll take care of Wartortle, you run to the Pokemon Center!” Mark said, risking Wartortle’s life by doing so.

Mark grasped Wartortle tightly, he held Wartortle closely to his warm chest. Already in a bare t-shirt, Mark was catching a bad cold; Mark knew he had to do what’s best for Wartortle.

Mark quickly kept on running, he was freezing, he had seen Xavier was almost at the Pokemon Center, Mark tried to run as fast as possible towards the Pokemon Center, Xavier had just entered the red and white help centre, Mark had seen him run inside, as Mark ran towards it with Wartortle beneath my heavy, yet warm chest, A Pokemon jumped out.

It had its large, cat like tail covering its face; it was a skunk like Pokemon, after pulling it’s tail elegantly away, it revealed itself, it was a small skunk Pokemon, it had a bright brown design on the top of its back and head, and then everywhere below, was a bright lavender colour. Something beeped from inside Mark’s pocket, as Mark slowly and carefully reached into his pocket, with the skunk Pokemon watching Mark closely and clearly, Mark grasped a low vibrating object, Mark took it out, it was his Poketech, Mark listened carefully, as it spoke in an automated voice.

“Stunky, the small, skunk Pokemon, it has an interesting bright brown design on the top half of its body. It can usually be found in city’s digging out of trash can’s and garbage.”

“So, a trash eater?” Mark questioned himself.

Mark quickly remembered his trusty Starly was inside a Poké Ball he had.
As the rain, heavily lashed down upon the wet, slippery, and cold ground.

“This is sort of spooky.” Mark said to himself, scared of what surrounded him.

There was a sick scent in the air; it had a cold smell to it, it was somewhat stinky. Mark had just noticed that there was a green aura coming from Stunky’s long, delicate tail. It was a grimy green colour, Mark then quickly put his hands up towards his nose, as the smell was disgusting him greatly, and it didn’t smell very good.

“Aw…! Man, that reeks.” Mark shouted while waving his hands around his nose to reduce the horrid sickly smell.

Mark quickly reached towards his pocket, knowing a red and white spherical orb
Yo... nice story, Where did you get the idea?

pikahero2
01-02-2008, 09:00 PM
Yo... nice story, Where did you get the idea?

Your going to get banned, read the rules. You can't post in my Stats, story's or anything.

pikahero2
01-03-2008, 01:01 PM
Ch.1

In the huge, vast and occupied Goldenrod City, there once was a legacy, the legendry Azumarill, it was a mysterious and old time, back in the year 1191, Goldenrod City was nothing, nothing but a piece of floating, rigid rock. It was once floating along the rough oceans of Kanto. As it was drifting slowly along the rough and dangerous oceans .It was said to be inhabited by an ancient, mystical and wise colony. It was spoken they worshipped a golden, round, big mouse. It was an Azumarill. They chose him to be their God. They worshipped him, for over 1000 years, each old and wise generation of the colony died, as another was quickly born.

After the long, thousand years of worshipping, the wise, newest generation of the Colony had just started, as they were new at this and still vulnerable to the mystic veterans of the colony. One long, rainy and cold night, they overslept terribly, as they woke up, they would have usually bowed down so many heartless times, but instead, to their wondering eyes should appear, the huge, solid gold Azumarill, was gone.

They searched every last place in Goldenrod, some brave people from the wise colony, even decided to search the shallow routes of the rigorous Kanto Ocean.

After the Godly Azumarill had disappeared, the colony lost control, some went mad.
They all prayed every single night that they’d at least see their Azumarill God in their dreams.

500 years after the heart-breaking crisis of losing their Solid gold, huge, AzumarillLord, many of the old people in Goldenrod city nowadays, tell the same story. Usually it’s the people whose ancestors were part of the colony, tell the story.

Up to this day, people of all ages, and kinds, say that the Azumarill lord still roams upon us, not in a spirit, nor are hearts, but in the real word, in flesh, and ever since that rumour has gone around, the mystic, old and legendry colony, started up again.

Ever since they started up again, they vowed that they would capture the Azumarill lord, and make him stand above all other puny, worthless gods.





In the huge, overcrowded Goldenrod City, there was a small, cramped house. It was behind the huge, vast Goldenrod Radio Tower. It was past the plentiful flower patches, but not past the beautiful, pink themed Pokemon Gym.

It was a quiet house, not as much loud noise came from the upper, nor lower floor this house, than the other house’s that lived close to it. In the small house, with a bright red tiled roof, and three beautifully framed and decorated windows, along with a bright red, classic door. The rest of the house was plain white, with an occasion spot of grey and light blue here and there.

Inside the house, lived a quite adventurous young boy; named Mark, Mark was a loud, exciting, 10 year old. He had dark blue hair, it had three, oddly shaped spiked at the front of his smooth forehead; he had a white and red, sports jacket on, he had a matching pair of slim three quarter lengths. He wore white socks, they had small crinkles on them, but it didn’t bother him at all. He wore white and red sporting sneakers, its like he had a matching outfit on him, except they were all bought and selected individually.




Most days, Mark would have groaned terribly about being bored so much. He never eve had anything even the slightest bit fun to do, as Goldenrod being as big as it is, he barely cared about going to the mall, or any sort of group type of activities.

It was a dark, starry Sunday night, Mark had just finished watching a very exciting movie, as he lay on the couch, comfortably without care, he put his feet up and sat, relaxed. He was eating popcorn; the tacky chocolate brown pieces got stuck in his teeth, which made it very hard to eat.

After about an hour of chewing tasty popcorn, and watching boring and pointless TV show’s and commercials, Mark yawned tiredly and grasped the rectangular shaped, black, TV remote, and hit a dark grey button labelled in white “Power off”, Mark pressed it firmly and got off the couch.

He walked towards the stairs, the blue, fuzzy carpet going up the stairs, and the silky, brown banisters. He quietly walked up the stairs, one by one, he was yawning continuously as he was doing it.

He finally reached the high, top step, and he turned quickly to the right, he started walking towards a door, it was the very last door to the right, it was a pale white colour, with a little tropical coloured sign saying “Marco’s Room”.

He grasped the gold, squeaky doorknob, and opened the door, inside was a medium sized bed; it had a blue cover and a white pillow. It had many posters inside the room, pictures of sports being played, singers and some pictures of him.

He took off his heavy jacket, and took off his sporty shoe’s, he then put on some pyjamas, there were white and blue, they were soft and had a chequered design on them.

He gently pulled back the covers on his bed, and then hopped in. With his head resting on a smooth, and soft pillow, he was already very tired when he hopped in. He stretched quickly over to his lush, green lamp; it sat on a wooden brown shelf, filled with many others of Mark’s favourite possessions.
As he flicked the switch on the lamp, the lights went out, and he slowly slithered back under the warm, rich in comfort, covers. His eye’s slowly closed, he was sleepy, as his eyes finally closed, and he was fast asleep.


The very next sunny, and beautiful morning, Mark, opened his eyes slightly and slowly as he took his short arms from under the covers and took a big stretch, and as he slowly opened his eyes all the way, he noticed his dear little Starly, which had a white mask around its two small eyes, it was like a pidgin, except it was wider. It had brown feathers the rest of the way, and had small, orange feet, with, sharp, black claws.

“Hey Starly!” Mark shouted in happiness. “Glad your awake early.” Mark said, “I was thinking, if me and you went out on the town?” Mark said nervously, “You know, to get you stronger?” I asked Starly nervously.

“Nya!” Starly said with a happy tone to his voice. “Nya Nya, Nya!” Starly said even happier.

“Ok then, lets go!” Mark shouted.

“Honey, breakfast is ready!” Mark’s mom shouted loudly from downstairs.

“Ugh….” Mark groaned annoyed.

Mark slowly got up out of his bed, he took a green and white orb, it lay on his shelf, it was empty, as he grasped the orb, he pushed a button on the middle and a crimson red aura came out, and firmly teleported Starly inside the green and white orb.

As Mark quickly put on the clothes he was wearing the previous night, he finished putting the clothes on, then he opened his pale white door and walked down the blue carpeted stairs. He then walked towards the nearest door to the stairs, it was a light chocolate brown colour, and he anxiously opened the door with a slam and rushed to the table. He sat down at table, it was a rounder, modern breakfast table, and it had a little bright violet flower patterns going in many directions on it.

Mark’s mom was leaning over the solid, clean counter beside the metal, silver sink; Mark’s mom was wearing a pretty, plain pink jumper. She had a navy blue skirt, it went down a littler past her knee’s. She had dark, brown hair, with tints of red going through it.

She had a small, white plate, with a piece of blood red, and dull white bacon, and it was crispy and crunchy, Mark’s mom laid the round, circular plate on the modern table.

“Enjoy, my little baby!” Mark’s Mom said adorably.
“Mom, even though there’s no one here, that was embarrassing, Mom.” Mark said nervously. “But, thanks anyway.”

Mark picked up the crunchy bacon, he took a look at it, and as he picked it up carefully, there was a sweet, meaty scent coming from the bacon. Mark took a whiff of the scent, and inhaled it continuously.

He then opened his mouth widely, his crimson red tongue came out, slowly, Mark brought the bacon closer to his mouth, and quickly dropped the bacon onto his lively tongue. He then brought his tongue inside his large mouth and chewed the bacon slowly.

“Honey, remember to take your time, I don’t want you to choke.” Mark’s Mom chuckled.

“I will, Mom.” Mark said, even though you could barely hear him, with the bacon still being chewed carefully in his mouth.

“Thanks, honey.” Mark’s Mom said.

Mark carefully chewed the crunchy bacon and then swallowed, a gulp came as it went through his throat.

“Ah, that was delicious, thanks Mom.” Mark said thankfully.

Mark got up, as he walked towards the door to go outside, he noticed his little Starly was sitting at the end of the blue-carpeted stairs.

“Hey, Starly, you want to go now?” Mark asked curiously.

“Nya! Starly, Starly, Nya!” Starly said enthusiastically.

“Alright, I’ll take that as a yes.” Mark said happily.

Starly took a gentle hop, Mark bent over slightly and Starly then quickly hopped up onto Mark’s back.

“You ready?” Mark asked Starly, “Nya….Nya!” Starly said loudly.

Mark walked towards the hall door, with Stardy on his back; he had a smile on his face. He was at the pure white, smooth door; he turned the cold, gold knob, and walked outside.

Mark glanced around all of what he could see, the huge, dark Radio Tower, then the beautiful, flower beds, with all the colours you could imagine.
There were other various houses and buildings, but they just all looked so alike to Mark’s house.

Mark then stopped glancing around, as the bright, orange sun, was up in the sky, gleaming down at him.

“That’s beautiful.” Mark said.

“Nya…” Starly said with a high-pitched voice.

As Mark put his small, smooth skinned hand up to his delicate, bright forehead, to stop the sun from reaching his sensitive eyes, he started walking down the grey, sturdy steps outside his front door.

He then slowly and firmly took his hand down from his smooth head, at then heard someone screaming loudly from a distance.

“Help!” “Help!” The voice shrieked loudly.

Mark heard it was coming from around the block, as he started running past all the colourful house’s, quickly without a sound, Mark stopped, he then seen a boy, he was about the same height as Mark, he had dark brown hair, he had a white, gangster like shirt on, he had army coloured combats on him, and he had black and light green shoe’s. He had a worried look on his face.

“What’s the matter?” Mark shrieked to him worriedly.

“My Wartortle, he’s hurt badly!” The boy shouted in despair at Mark.

“How did it happen?” Mark asked curiously.

“We were battling a weird big, blue mouse, and I lost.” The boy said nervously.

“God, that’s harsh.” Mark pitied.

“Nah, not really, but you got to help me,” He worried.

“Alright, what’s your name?” Mark asked curiously.

“Xavier, or for short, Xavi.” Xavier explained.

“Alright, Xavier lets go!” Mark shouted.

Mark took off his jacket, as the rain started to come down heavily, each drop-by-drop, it was cold. Even though Wartortle was a water type, it would have made it sick, since it was already cold enough.

“We have to hurry, quick, take my jacket!” Mark exclaimed.

“But don’t you need it?” Xavier worried.
“No, Wartortle does.” Mark said bravely.

Mark had his jacket off, and wrapped it round Wartortle gently, and made sure Wartortle was ok. Wartortle was like an evil turtle, it had dark blue colours on it, and a white, shell shaped tale. Xavier carefully lifted Wartortle from the wet, slippery ground. Wartortle was deeply unconscious.

“I think we should run as fast as possible, right?” Xavier asked worriedly.

“Yeah, just make sure not to hurt Wartortle.” Mark answered.

As they started running quickly, through the thick, ghostly, pale white fog, it surrounded and captured the beautiful, clean and fresh air, the fog surrounded Xavier and Mark’s long faces. They ran worriedly through the ghostly fog, as the winds started to grow stronger and faster, the race was on. Mark and Xavier both knew if they didn’t hurry up, that it’d be too cold to keep running. The rain came down heavier, drop-by-drop faster than ever, it was strong and soaking, they ran through the mud-infested puddles.

“Wartor…tle…” Wartortle groaned in agony.

“Wartortle! Mark, I can’t keep running like this, Wartortle’s in bad shape.” Xavier worried terribly.

“Xavier, listen, I’ll take care of Wartortle, you run to the Pokemon Center!” Mark said, risking Wartortle’s life by doing so.

Mark grasped Wartortle tightly, he held Wartortle closely to his warm chest. Already in a bare t-shirt, Mark was catching a bad cold; Mark knew he had to do what’s best for Wartortle.

Mark quickly kept on running, he was freezing, he had seen Xavier was almost at the Pokemon Center, Mark tried to run as fast as possible towards the Pokemon Center, Xavier had just entered the red and white help centre, Mark had seen him run inside, as Mark ran towards it with Wartortle beneath my heavy, yet warm chest, A Pokemon jumped out.

It had its large, cat like tail covering its face; it was a skunk like Pokemon, after pulling it’s tail elegantly away, it revealed itself, it was a small skunk Pokemon, it had a bright brown design on the top of its back and head, and then everywhere below, was a bright lavender colour. Something beeped from inside Mark’s pocket, as Mark slowly and carefully reached into his pocket, with the skunk Pokemon watching Mark closely and clearly, Mark grasped a low vibrating object, Mark took it out, it was his Poketech, Mark listened carefully, as it spoke in an automated voice.

“Stunky, the small, skunk Pokemon, it has an interesting bright brown design on the top half of its body. It can usually be found in city’s digging out of trash can’s and garbage.”

“So, a trash eater?” Mark questioned himself.

Mark quickly remembered his trusty Starly was inside a Poké Ball he had.
As the rain, heavily lashed down upon the wet, slippery, and cold ground.

“This is sort of spooky.” Mark said to himself, scared of what surrounded him.

There was a sick scent in the air; it had a cold smell to it, it was somewhat stinky. Mark had just noticed that there was a green aura coming from Stunky’s long, delicate tail. It was a grimy green colour, Mark then quickly put his hands up towards his nose, as the smell was disgusting him greatly, and it didn’t smell very good.

“Aw…! Man, that reeks.” Mark shouted while waving his hands around his nose to reduce the horrid sickly smell.

Mark quickly reached into his pocket; he grasped a red and white spherical orb, or a Poké Ball. He took it out quietly and then quickly without hesitation, Mark sprung into the air, and released his trusty Starly from the Pokeball.


Starly flew out like a bullet, flying around the place carefully laid circles.
Starly then came towards the ground, after curving from a circle quickly into a straight line, Starly came flying quickly and anxiously towards the ground, just a second lay between Starly and the soaking, wet, and horrid ground.
Starly then set its two small sharp claw’s on the ground. It let out a noise.

“Nya!” Starly cried, it was a sign it wanted to battle.

“Alright, Starly, lets get things rolling with a double team!” Mark shouted, as his shrill voice reached Starly.

Starly then became more invisible looking, it started quickly flying in circle’s, as it speed rose greatly, it flew even faster in circles, it then came closer to Stunky, Starly then started flying around Stunky, it looked like there were 20 little Starly there, Stunky was stepping back slowly, as it was concerned about the circling Starly kept circling quickly. Skunky quickly without concern jumped at the most alive looking Starly with a tackle attack. The Stunky aimed at Starly then jumped against it with its head.

Starly fell defencelessly to the horribly wet ground. Starly lay in pain, as Stunky stood watching with an evil smirk on his small, mischievous face.

“Starly! C’mon we can’t let him win!” Mark cried deeply.

“Think of Wartortle, he need’s a Pokémon Center!” Mark cried deeply again.

“Nya….” Starly cried softly, as it was weakening every second or so.

“Nya!” Starly then got up, as it still had a weak, painful look on it’s face.

Starly was walking slowly, trying to regain all of it’s lost health. Then Stunky picked up a small, rough rock, it had little cracks in the side of it, Stunky’s long, delicate and soft tail lifted the rock, and threw it harshly at Starly.

“Starly, dodge it!” Mark worried.

Starly then flew up into the dark, cold, and foggy air, Stunky had his small, dirty mouth open in amazement, a small Starly, flying up so high, after being critically injured. As Starly drifted along the sky, its black and grey, lively colours drifted with it.

“Starly, use Wing Attack!” Mark shouted loudly towards his Starly.

Starly spread open it’s wings automatically, they were spread widely, across as far as they could, Starly then smartly leaned to the right, as Stunky started running sacredly, Starly came down, it’s wings, directed right as Stunky’s devious little face, Starly came down quickly and struck Stunky across the face, its wings drifted into his face.

Stunky went down, it had marks and bruises on its face, and they were bad.
Starly then quickly landed back to the wet, soaking and cold spot next to Mark. Starly spread it’s wings out widely again, standing on the same spot, Starly was trying to show no fear.

“Nya, Nya, Nya ,Nya!” Starly cried with enlightenment.

Stunky was lying down, hurt, Mark knew if he could just get a tackle at him, Stunky would be his.

“Alright, Starly, let’s finish this off with a Tackle attack!” Mark smiled.

Starly quickly flew in a straight line towards Stunky, it lay on the soaking, wet ground, hurt and injured. As Starly flew closer, Mark seen Stunky’s tail lighting up, it was charging for an Iron tail.

“Starly, NO!” Mark worried loudly.

As Starly flew at an immense speed, it turned its head slightly and quickly to see what Mark was shouting about.

“Starly, look out!” Mark shouted louder than ever.

Starly turned its head back towards Stunky, when, Stunky’s tail shun a pure, white colour, it quickly hit Starly.

“Nya…” Starly shrieked.

As Starly fell, it hit the rough, wet, and cold ground, it lay hurt, Stunky then, turned around quickly and started running, it was running towards a small abandoned building, Mark then quickly took his red and white orb, it was a Pokeball, he then carefully threw the orb at Starly, it spiralled in the air, as then it hit Starly on the head, the crimson red light surrounded Starly, and Mark then picked up the Pokeball, and Wartortle. He put the Pokeball in his deep pockets, and kept Wartortle underneath his chest, so he could stay warm.

Mark was chasing after the small skunk like creature; it then entered the small, abandoned looking building. Mark ran towards the main door of the building, it was on the front, along with about 20 black tinted windows.

Mark pushed the grey and black door down, by running harshly into it.
He hurt his arms as he pushed so hard. Mark then saw Stunky, it was running behind a big, cube, dark red, metal crate. Mark ran towards the crate, when an Eevee jumped out. Mark didn’t know what was going on, he seen the Eevee was protecting Stunky.

“Alright, Starly!” Mark was about to summon Starly, when he was interrupted.

“Wartortle!” The Wartortle grunted.

“Wartortle, your not going to, fight, are you?” Mark asked Wartortle curiously.

“Nya, Wartortle, tortle, tortle!” Wartortle grunted louder.

“Alright, so you’re battling, right?” Mark asked Wartortle strangely.

“Wartortle!” Wartortle cried back loudly.

“Alright, Wartortle, use Hydro Pump!” Mark demanded loudly.

pikahero2
01-03-2008, 01:06 PM
Stunky was lying down, hurt, Mark knew if he could just get a tackle at him, Stunky would be his.

“Alright, Starly, let’s finish this off with a Tackle attack!” Mark smiled.

Starly quickly flew in a straight line towards Stunky, it lay on the soaking, wet ground, hurt and injured. As Starly flew closer, Mark seen Stunky’s tail lighting up, it was charging for an Iron tail.

“Starly, NO!” Mark worried loudly.

As Starly flew at an immense speed, it turned its head slightly and quickly to see what Mark was shouting about.

“Starly, look out!” Mark shouted louder than ever.

Starly turned its head back towards Stunky, when, Stunky’s tail shun a pure, white colour, it quickly hit Starly.

“Nya…” Starly shrieked.

As Starly fell, it hit the rough, wet, and cold ground, it lay hurt, Stunky then, turned around quickly and started running, it was running towards a small abandoned building, Mark then quickly took his red and white orb, it was a Pokeball, he then carefully threw the orb at Starly, it spiralled in the air, as then it hit Starly on the head, the crimson red light surrounded Starly, and Mark then picked up the Pokeball, and Wartortle. He put the Pokeball in his deep pockets, and kept Wartortle underneath his chest, so he could stay warm.

Mark was chasing after the small skunk like creature; it then entered the small, abandoned looking building. Mark ran towards the main door of the building, it was on the front, along with about 20 black tinted windows.

Mark pushed the grey and black door down, by running harshly into it.
He hurt his arms as he pushed so hard. Mark then saw Stunky, it was running behind a big, cube, dark red, metal crate. Mark ran towards the crate, when an Eevee jumped out. Mark didn’t know what was going on, he seen the Eevee was protecting Stunky.

“Alright, Starly!” Mark was about to summon Starly, when he was interrupted.

“Wartortle!” The Wartortle grunted.

“Wartortle, your not going to, fight, are you?” Mark asked Wartortle curiously.

“Nya, Wartortle, tortle, tortle!” Wartortle grunted louder.

“Alright, so you’re battling, right?” Mark asked Wartortle strangely.

“Wartortle!” Wartortle cried back loudly.

“Alright, Wartortle, use Hydro Pump!” Mark demanded loudly.


Wartortle quickly jumped into the air, and as he reached high enough, he quickly pulled his small, arms, legs, tail, and head into his brown, patterned shell. He then spiralled in the air, he spiralled extremely fast, then came down towards, Eevee, then he shot water out the hole’s left in his body.

Eevee was critically hit, Eevee tumbled over, but then, it stopped and landed perfectly on its feet.

“What!” Mark said amazed.
Eevee then ran towards Wartortle with a jealous look on its face, and then Eevee ran towards Wartortle’s head, and hit it. Eevee went flying back, and took some heavy recoil itself. Wartortle went flying quickly back aswell, though with his head being thick and as tough as it is, the Take down didn’t hurt Wartortle very much.

Eevee ran back at Wartortle, this time, with a small grin on Eevee’s little face.

“Wartortle, Skull Bash!” Mark smiled.

Wartortle ran towards Eevee, as Eevee ran towards Wartortle, Wartortle was going extremely fast, and head first, as he speeded up, Eevee quickly was about to be pulverized by the powerful attack, when Eevee quickly hopped over Wartortle, Wartortle didn’t realise it. Wartortle then without being able to stop, Skull Bashed into the red, metal crates that surrounded their ongoing battle.

Wartortle was injured badly once again, he fell over, and he sat down hurt beside the dark red, metal crates. Eevee was going to finish this off with a powerful Tackle attack, but then just as Eevee began to run.

“Wartortle, Water gun!” Mark shouted desperately.

Wartortle then, opened his mouth widely, and took a huge breath, and as Eevee was running towards him, he shot a powerful ton of cold, water, and straight at Eevee, Eevee was now definatley hurt enough to capture.

Mark then grasped a red and white spherical, dusty orb; he picked it out of his pocket, and then, as Eevee lay helplessly, he threw the Pokeball at Eevee, it spiralled quickly and continuously in the air, it then came lower, it hit Eevee softly on the head, then a bright, crimson red aura surrounded Eevee, then Eevee was teleported to inside the Pokeball.

The Pokeball wiggled once, twice, three…

Emily
01-06-2008, 10:44 AM
Mine!

Emily
01-06-2008, 12:33 PM
Plot: It starts off with a legend about a bunch of people who are worshiping a big golden Azumarill. Unfortunately, it goes missing, and stuff happens to make it still the best God of all.

Cut to see Mark, who spends a day being very bored, and goes to bed. The next morning, he goes to train his Starly outside of the city. Once there, he finds a kid whose Wartortle got hurt in a battle with a Pokemon (presumably an Azumarill, form your description). So they try to take it to the nearest Pokemon Center but the kid, Xavier, decides it’s too heavy. Mark takes it, and Xavier runs off to the Pokemon Center alone.

Mark gets into a battle with a Stunky, which faints his Starly, and gets protected by an Eevee. He then fights the Eevee with Xavier’s Wartortle.

Description: You had way too much description. It’s good to show us what you see, but you don’t need nearly that much detail. For example, you could have cut down the entire ‘bacon eating’ scene, and just told us that he ate the bacon. We don’t need to know the colour of his tongue, or how slowly he chews. Too much detail in a story makes it tedious for the reader.

Spelling/Grammar: This was definitely your weakest point, as I found quite a few spelling and grammar errors. It would be hard to list them all without repeating myself, so I’ll just show you where you went wrong with the most striking one.

In the huge, vast and occupied Goldenrod City, there once was a legacy, the legendry Azumarill, it was a mysterious and old time, back in the year 1191, Goldenrod City was nothing, nothing but a piece of floating, rigid rock.

This is a massive run-on sentence. There are a few places where a full stop would be better than a comma. I’ve underlined one of them.

One long, rainy and cold night, they overslept terribly, as they woke up, they would have usually bowed down so many heartless times, but instead, to their wondering eyes should appear, the huge, solid gold Azumarill, was gone.

Another run-on sentence.

500 years after the heart-breaking crisis of losing their Solid gold, huge, AzumarillLord, many of the old people in Goldenrod city nowadays, tell the same story.

There should be a space between Azumarill and Lord.

Inside the house, lived a quite adventurous young boy; named Mark, Mark was a loud, exciting, 10 year old.

This sentence is a bit iffy to me. Where I’ve bolded the first two things, the comma/semi-colon isn’t needed, and the third one is where a full stop should be.

He wore white and red sporting sneakers, its like he had a matching outfit on him, except they were all bought and selected individually.

It’s the wrong its, and there’s a tense change. The one you have is for a possession, the one you want is it’s, which is a conjunction of it and is. Also, you’d need to write ‘it was’, because that way you avoid a tense change.

He never eve had anything even the slightest bit fun to do, as Goldenrod being as big as it is, he barely cared about going to the mall, or any sort of group type of activities.

I’m sure it’s just a typo, but the word you want is ever. It’s a hard one to spot, as eve is a word too, and MS Word’s spellcheck won’t pick it up.

“Help!” “Help!” The voice shrieked loudly.

Just so you know, you always have a lower case letter after speech, except when it’s describing an action. Also, I’ve noticed that you usually end your speech with a full stop, and you always end it with a comma, or an exclamation/question mark.

Length: You were only about 2k from the minimum, so you should try to expand the plot a little more, and flesh out the travelling scenes to make it a bit longer.

Battle: You had two of these. In both of them, you had good description. One thing I have to suggest is to try to use your landscape a little more in your battles. Perhaps one of the battlers could hit their head on something, and take some damage that way? Overall though, this was good, and good enough for a hard Pokemon.

Outcome: This was borderline for me, but since your battle was good, and the descriptions were excellent (yet a little tedious), I’ll have to say Eevee captured! Have fun with the little fox. :)

pikahero2
01-06-2008, 03:49 PM
Plot: It starts off with a legend about a bunch of people who are worshiping a big golden Azumarill. Unfortunately, it goes missing, and stuff happens to make it still the best God of all.

Cut to see Mark, who spends a day being very bored, and goes to bed. The next morning, he goes to train his Starly outside of the city. Once there, he finds a kid whose Wartortle got hurt in a battle with a Pokemon (presumably an Azumarill, form your description). So they try to take it to the nearest Pokemon Center but the kid, Xavier, decides it’s too heavy. Mark takes it, and Xavier runs off to the Pokemon Center alone.

Mark gets into a battle with a Stunky, which faints his Starly, and gets protected by an Eevee. He then fights the Eevee with Xavier’s Wartortle.

Description: You had way too much description. It’s good to show us what you see, but you don’t need nearly that much detail. For example, you could have cut down the entire ‘bacon eating’ scene, and just told us that he ate the bacon. We don’t need to know the colour of his tongue, or how slowly he chews. Too much detail in a story makes it tedious for the reader.

Spelling/Grammar: This was definitely your weakest point, as I found quite a few spelling and grammar errors. It would be hard to list them all without repeating myself, so I’ll just show you where you went wrong with the most striking one.



This is a massive run-on sentence. There are a few places where a full stop would be better than a comma. I’ve underlined one of them.



Another run-on sentence.



There should be a space between Azumarill and Lord.



This sentence is a bit iffy to me. Where I’ve bolded the first two things, the comma/semi-colon isn’t needed, and the third one is where a full stop should be.



It’s the wrong its, and there’s a tense change. The one you have is for a possession, the one you want is it’s, which is a conjunction of it and is. Also, you’d need to write ‘it was’, because that way you avoid a tense change.



I’m sure it’s just a typo, but the word you want is ever. It’s a hard one to spot, as eve is a word too, and MS Word’s spellcheck won’t pick it up.



Just so you know, you always have a lower case letter after speech, except when it’s describing an action. Also, I’ve noticed that you usually end your speech with a full stop, and you always end it with a comma, or an exclamation/question mark.

Length: You were only about 2k from the minimum, so you should try to expand the plot a little more, and flesh out the travelling scenes to make it a bit longer.

Battle: You had two of these. In both of them, you had good description. One thing I have to suggest is to try to use your landscape a little more in your battles. Perhaps one of the battlers could hit their head on something, and take some damage that way? Overall though, this was good, and good enough for a hard Pokemon.

Outcome: This was borderline for me, but since your battle was good, and the descriptions were excellent (yet a little tedious), I’ll have to say Eevee captured! Have fun with the little fox. :)


Thanks Cune, about the length, I counted in on the Javascript Counter, it said 24k. It may have been wrong though. Also, I had trouble with it, I accidently pasted some of story out, and deleted it.

Also, with the grammar, do you know a spellcheck that will catch all of those?

Thanks for the grade anyway, Cune, I mean Muffin. :P