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View Full Version : On the Road to Solaceon


NeonDragonair
12-31-2007, 10:53 PM
Kiya, a fourteen-year-old pokemon trainer, was walking on a dirt path through a quiet field; she had hoped it was a shortcut to Solaceon town, but now it seemed to her that it would have been better to take Route 210, the more commonly used route by trainers coming from her hometown of Celestic, despite the heavy fog.

“Looks like we’ll have to camp out tonight, Silver” Kiya called up to her Pidgey, who was flying above her, as she looked towards the rapidly setting sun.

Silver cooed as she landed on Kiya’s shoulder. Kiya stroked her first and only Pokemon’s feathery head before quickly scouting out a good place to set up camp. Kiya had to admit, the field was rather beautiful, with flowing grasses and flowers, and that, added with the dramatic red and gold of the setting sun made the lost day worth it. She would choose a beautiful field over damp, foggy mountains any day. Kiya continued to look for a small clearing in the long grass. After finding a good spot, Kiya quickly set up her tent, ate dinner, and fell asleep to the sound of a group of softly singing Kricketune nearby.

……

“PER-EEEE!”

Kiya was jolted awake by an earsplitting screech, which she immediately recognized as the alarmed screaming of Silver. The teen bolted out of her tent to find out why the small bird was so upset. Kiya noticed her Pidgey circling her tent, still screeching loudly.

“Silver! Stop that!” Kiya yelled over the sound of her Pidgey’s shrieks. Kiya was glad that there were no houses nearby; their combined shouts had caused all the nocturnal pokemon to stop in their tracks.

After a moment, Silver stopped screaming lighted down on Kiya’s shoulder. Kiya shook her long brown hair out of her face before turning to her Pokemon.

“Ya know, Silver, I‘m thinking about keeping you in your Pokeball, what are you thinking, screaming like that? It’s only two…”Kiya had started to scold her Pidgey, but stopped, she could hear something, it sounded like a herd of Ponyta, but slightly different. Silver took off from Kiya’s arm and hovered about ten feet above her.

Then Kiya saw it, an entire herd of Doduo and Dodrio sprinting right toward her small camp with a sound like dull thunder. Kiya was paralyzed in complete shock, until Silver snapped her out of it by sharply pecking her on the arm. Kiya moved a short distance away, beside a small pond, she hoped the water would discourage the large birds from running her way.

Kiya watched the muti-headed birds as they aproached her camp. Kiya seemed to be in a trance as she watched the speedy brown birds as they nimbly dodged her camping gear. Just as she thought her camp was going to make it through the swarm of Pokemon, a Doduo tripped over a stray bowl that Kiya had used for cooking earlier, and tumbled, heads first, into her tent. Kiya winced as she heard the snapping of the tent poles, and the ripping of the cloth that covered them. The rest of the flock ran by, indifferent to their fallen companion. After what felt like hours, the stunned Doduo finally managed to free itself from the tent and ran, or rather, limped after the others in the group.

Kiya walked around her camp to check for any more damages, but besides the tent, nothing had any real harm done. The opposite was true of the field, all the pokemon had vanished, and although it was still extremely dark, Kiya could plainly see the flowers she had thought were so beautiful before had been crushed by the wide feet of the Dodrio and Doduo. Kiya flinched a little at imagining what would have happened to her if Silver hadn’t woken her up.

Kiya pulled out her sleeping bag from the wreckage of the tent, surprisingly, it was still mostly intact. She moved the sleeping bag to the side and decided to get a few hours of sleep before moving on the next day.

The next morning, after Kiya got dressed in her traveling outfit, a black T-shirt, and her favorite well-worn blue jeans, Kiya started to pack up. After everything was put away, Kiya walked over to the ruined tent, it had been a nice one, collapsible, so she could carry it around easier. Now it was no more than torn blue cloth and broken sticks. Not wanting to leave her trash in the field, she folded it up the best she could and attached it to her backpack and set of down the path she had started on yesterday, with Silver hitching a ride on the top of her pack.

After about an hour of walking, Kiya came upon a narrow section of forest. It was rather sparse; hardly anything grew between the tall trees so Kiya looked forward to a quiet walk, without hassle.

Kiya barely got a foot into the forest when she hears a soft moaning sound off to her right. She walked a little toward the sound, and saw, barely ten feet from where she stood, a Doduo, lying down with one leg stuck out at an odd angle. Kiya felt a jolt of guilt; this must be the Pokemon that ran into her tent last night. Now that it was daylight, she could see it had the light tan necks that marked the Pokemon as a female. Deciding to bring it to a Pokemon Center to be healed, she threw a Pokeball at it. To Kiya’s amazement, one of the Doduo’s two heads caught the ball in its beak, and crushed it into a hundred red and white pieces. The Doduo stood up, holding her injured foot off the ground.

“Looks like we have to do it the old fashion way, Silver use your Wing Attack!” Kiya ordered her Pokemon.

Silver lifted off from Kiya’s backpack, and flew, wings outstretched, at the Doduo. Just before the attack landed, Doduo quickly sidestepped, and Silver harmlessly flew past.

Kiya, impressed with the Pokemon’s fast reflexes, decided to try to capture the Doduo for keeps. She ordered Silver to get ready for another attack.

While Silver struggled to regain altitude, Doduo used its two heads to press different spots on its injured leg.

Kiya cursed, this was a move called Acupressure, and now Doduo had full mobility of its legs.

“Let’s soften that bird up a little, Silver, use Featherdance!”

The little bird began to flap its wings extra hard, loosening up a torrent of fluffy down that settled down on Doduo.

Doduo started to thrash about in an attempt to get the clingy down off, but it was no use, that down wasn’t going anywhere.

“Hurry, while it’s distracted! Use your Quick Attack!” Kiya ordered Pidgey.

Silver flapped up another few feet, then tucked its small wings in, and launched itself like a rocket at the thrashing opponent. Kiya watched as Pidgey smacked into Doduo, chest out to protect its head from injury.

Doduo reeled from the attack and stumbled slightly. Silver, getting cocky, decided to use Quick Attack again, without an order.

Before Silver could land the hit, Doduo ducked down, and right as the attacking bird passed over, both heads launched a close-ranged Drill Peck, directly on Pidgey’s soft belly.

This had all happened before Kiya could react, and she was horrified at what happened. Kiya was about to call Silver back to her Pokeball, and run away, when to both her and the opposing Doduo’s surprise, Silver got back up. Kiya remembered that the FeatherDance she had used earlier has a side effect of making physical attacks almost useless.

“This match isn’t over yet!” Kiya said triumphantly. “Silver, use Gust!”

The tiny bird Pokemon flapped its wings with all its might, and created a small tornado that started spiraling toward Doduo.

Kiya watched as the tornado sucked up anything in its path; any twigs or leaves nearby were absorbed into the vortex. Doduo tried to escape but the Gust caught up to the fleeing bird and engulfed it. Although it wasn’t thrown around by the attack, the helpless bird Pokemon was slashed up by the sticks swirling around it. When the attack ended, Doduo was very dazed.

“Finish it off with your Wing Attack, Silver!” Kiya ordered


Silver once again sped up for a Wing Attack, but Doduo jumped in the air. Silver tried to follow, but not only missed, overshot the target by so much that she hit a branch. Kiya winced when Silver fell to the ground, but was relived when the tiny bird got back up, and took off again.


“Silver, take a rest with Roost!”

While Pidgey gratefully lighted down on a nearby tree to rest, Doduo, sensing the opportunity, opened both of its beaks, and launched a red beam of light from one mouth, and a yellow and blue beam from the other. The three beams joined together and hit Silver dead on. Thanks to the recovery from Roost, Silver didn’t faint, but was wobbly.

Kiya had to think fast, this Doduo was catching on to their attacks too easily, she needed a surprise. Then she had an idea, “Silver, use Mirror Move!”

Silver copied the way the Doduo had used the attack, and fired the same Tri-Attack that the double-headed bird had used. Just as Kiya expected, the Doduo was unprepared for the mimicking move, the beam hit Doduo, and with a flash of blue light, and to Kiya’s surprise, the large bird was completely frozen from the necks down. Both heads squawked angrily, but couldn’t escape the icy coating.

Kiya reached into her bag and pulled out another Pokeball. She threw the ball at the frost-covered bird. The ball opened and a red light sucked up Doduo, the Pokeball fell to the ground and rocked, once, twice, and…

Psychic
01-11-2008, 08:46 PM
Introduction: This should be the most important part of your story; not only is it where you have to try to catch the reader’s attention and get them interested in the story, but it’s also where the reader sees the scene for the first time and gets to meet the main character. Consequently, you really need to tell us about the setting of the story as Kiya herself; at least what she looks like. Remember that human characters, especially important ones need to be described, or else the reader will just see a dark, formless shadow instead of an actual person. The things you should try to tell us right away are: hair colour/style (even though you said this later on), eye colour, skin tone, basic height/weight/build (not the exact measurement, but like if she’s really short for her age or if she’s very muscular and so on), then a bit about her clothing and any possible (though you again added this, but only later on), and accessories, including jewelry or a knapsack. If your character is with a Pokémon, it’s always nice to just give a brief description of it as well, like just saying the colour, shape and size just so the reader can visualize it with the human.

You should also try to describe the setting as close to the beginning as possible. While you did make an effort, it was already a bit late and you didn’t tell a whole lot. When describing a place, the main things to describe are usually the weather (including wind and how hot/cold it is), how light/dark it is, what sorts of plants or buildings are around, if possible the sounds or smells and then any Pokémon and what they might be doing (such as Taillow flying about or Kricketune singing, like you said). Remember; the goal of a story is to make the reader feel like they’re standing in the scene right next to the character, so they can not only see the characters clearly, but can also see/hear/smell/feel whatever the character sees/hears/smells/feels.


Plot Originality: This wasn’t too impressive for a medium Pokémon; a trainer and her Pidgey are walking to Solaceon Town and decide to rest for the night in a pretty field. We don’t know exactly what her Pidgey is doing while Kiya sleeps in her tent (was Silver with her or what?), but in the middle of the night he hears a herd of Doduo and Dorio running their way in a random stampede when they should be sleeping. All of them leave her campsite untouched, save one poor Doduo who gets in quite a tangle! The dodo escapes with one hurt leg, but Kiya and Silver think nothing of it until they get back to traveling and see the Doduo separated from her flock. From there Kiya decides to catch it in a quick-witted battle of birds.

Like I said; nothing extraordinary, but it was quite cute. But my question is; Doduo/Dodrio aren’t nocturnal Pokémon, so why were they up at night making a random stampede? It would have made your story a lot more interesting, and given it the needed complexity and length for a medium capture had you actually shown why there was this random stampede.

One more thing I wanted to point out, though:
Kiya flinched a little at imagining what would have happened to her if Silver hadn’t woken her up.

Kiya pulled out her sleeping bag from the wreckage of the tent, surprisingly, it was still mostly intact.
You said that except for that one single Doduo who tripped, Kiya’s stuff went completely untouched. It shouldn’t be too big a surprise that her sleeping bag wasn’t totally ruined (though it definitely would have a few rips from two beaks and two claws). And had Silver not woken up from wherever he was, then Kiya would have only had to deal with one single Doduo, which probably wouldn’t have been that bad. :P


Detail and Description: For some reason, instead of adding all the detail at the beginning, at least of Kiya, you just threw it in later on, at a point where it really didn’t help the reader. There really wasn’t a whole lot of description the whole way through, especially at the beginning of a scene where it is the most important. For instance, when Kiya was woken up by Silver, I didn’t even know if it was night or day! Remember that when a new scene is beginning, you should try to describe everything as much as you can so that the reader knows exactly what everything looks like.

As I said in the introduction, you have to try and describe as much as possible. The more a reader knows about what everything looks like, the easier it is to visualize in their mind so that they can feel like they're really there in the story, standing next to the character and seeing everything around them. Again, scenery is very important with this, so the more you tell, the better the story will turn out. In stories, it’s best to describe everything you possibly can; take the time to try to picture the scene and add details for everything about it you can imagine; it will really help.


Spelling and Grammar: This was mostly good, and you only had a few mistakes sprinkled throughout, most of which had to do with commas. Before I point them out exactly, however, there are a few other things I’d quickly like to point out:
-The word is supposed to be spelled “Pokémon” (and “Pokéball”). You should always try to make the accent if you can; it’s make by holding down Alt, then tapping 1, then 3, then 0 on the number pad on the right side of the keyboard. I saw that sometimes you used a capital “P” and sometimes you did; you have to always be consistent with your spelling!
-One time you spelled it “Featherdance” and the other time is was “FeatherDance.” Like I said, you have to try to be consistent throughout the story, else you’ll just confuse/annoy your readers. But it was at least good to see that you capitalized everything else that has to do with Pokémon, which was great to see.
-Pokémon have genders! I’ll never understand why people always use “it” to describe every single Pokémon, even when you know their gender. I mean, you had said it yourself that Kiya could tell that Doduo was a female, so why did you refer to her as “it” the whole time? o_O
-Commas aren’t supposed to be used all the time – you really abused them. When you start talking about something new use a period, and if you’re sort of explaining something, use a semicolon. Commas are tough – trust me – but the more you practice using them the better you’ll become. One of the best things to do it readreadread! Read books as much as you can, and the more you see the way they’re used, the more experienced you’ll become. ^.^

Now to go over those mistakes.

“Looks like we’ll have to camp out tonight, Silver” Kiya called up to her Pidgey, who was flying above her, as she looked towards the rapidly setting sun.
You have to end all dialogue with some sort of punctuation; a comma was needed in this case.

The bit after the dialogue was a tad confusion; the two commas were unneeded, and if you keep them then that means that Silver is the one wastching the sun set. Just take them out.


After a moment, Silver stopped screaming lighted down on Kiya’s shoulder.
The word "lighted" doesn't make any sense in this context. I think it should be "and landed" instead.


“Ya know, Silver, I‘m thinking about keeping you in your Pokeball, what are you thinking, screaming like that? It’s only two…”Kiya had started to scold her Pidgey, but stopped, she could hear something, it sounded like a herd of Ponyta, but slightly different. Silver took off from Kiya’s arm and hovered about ten feet above her.
The dialogue doesn't work if it's all one sentence like that. The comma after "Pokéball" should be a period or exclamation mark, or a dash if you really want.


Kiya moved a short distance away, beside a small pond, she hoped the water would discourage the large birds from running her way.
It should be:
"Kiya moved a short distance away to stand beside a small pond; she hoped the water would discourage the large birds from running her way."
Like I said, snce you're explaining something - why she's by the water in this case - you should use a semicolon.


Kiya watched the muti-headed birds as they aproached her camp.
According to my Word processor, it's spelled "approach."


After everything was put away, Kiya walked over to the ruined tent, it had been a nice one, collapsible, so she could carry it around easier.
Again, since you're explaining about the tent, there should be a semicolon after "tent." It should also probably be "easily" instead of "easier."


She walked a little toward the sound, and saw, barely ten feet from where she stood, a Doduo, lying down with one leg stuck out at an odd angle.
Way too many commas here! It's just too much, so I'd suggest cleaning it up by switching around the sentence to:
"Walking a little toward the sound she suddenly saw a Doduo, barely ten feet from where she stood, lying down with one leg stuck out at an odd angle."


“Looks like we have to do it the old fashion way, Silver use your Wing Attack!” Kiya ordered her Pokemon.
The comma should be a period or exclamation mark since first she's talking about one thing, then she says something else.


Just before the attack landed, Doduo quickly sidestepped, and Silver harmlessly flew past.
"Landed" really isn't the proper word here; it should be "hit," the second period isn't needed and it ought to be "flew harmlessly past."


Kiya cursed, this was a move called Acupressure, and now Doduo had full mobility of its legs.
Again, you're pretty much describing why Kiya is cursing, so it should be a semicolon.

I also found this a bit strange; if Doduo knew this attack, why not use it sooner? That way she could have caught up to her flock. Also, maybe just explaining what Acupressire is would help the reader understand how/why her leg is suddenly all better.


“Let’s soften that bird up a little, Silver, use Featherdance!”
Again, split this up at the first comma with a period or exclamation mark.


Kiya was about to call Silver back to her Pokeball, and run away, when to both her and the opposing Doduo’s surprise, Silver got back up.
First comma isn't needed at all. Also, it might be more interesting for the reader if you actually show Kiya reaching for the Pokéball to recall Silver; that way it could be more of a shock because the reader is sure that she's going to run away.


Kiya had to think fast, this Doduo was catching on to their attacks too easily, she needed a surprise. Then she had an idea, “Silver, use Mirror Move!”
First of all, I really liked this part; it was a real turning point in the battle, and it was a dead clever move to use because of how quickly Doduo was learning.

Anyway, the punctuation's a bit messed up here; it should be this instead:
"Kiya had to think fast; this Doduo was catching on to their attacks too easily! She needed a surprise. Then she had an idea.

“Silver, use Mirror Move!”"


Just as Kiya expected, the Doduo was unprepared for the mimicking move, the beam hit Doduo, and with a flash of blue light, and to Kiya’s surprise, the large bird was completely frozen from the necks down.
Since you're explaining the effect of the Tri Attack, the second comma should be a semicolon. And just a random note: it might have been cool just to describe what Doduo looked like all frozen, since you didn't really tell us if it was just not moving or if it was incased in ice or what. It would be great to just describe what Doduo looks like encassed in ice, the ice particles shining in the sun and all that.


The Battle: This was quite good; the battle seemed two-sided the entire time so it was hard to predict the winner for awhile, which is always good for the battle sequence. I really liked the way you described Gust, and thought it was a very clever way of explaining how the attack works. Then, like I said, the whole thing about Doduo catching on to their technique and then using Mirror Move was really great. Your choice of attacks was pretty good and diverse. I think in general a bit more description could have been added, especially on the Pokémons' part.

Keep in mind that Pokémon are living things too; in battle, they do get hurt and feel pain and cry out and whatnot. For instance, when Doduo got hit by Tri Attack, just by having it cry out "Duo!" in pain really adds some depth to it, so it's not just a fighting robot. Show it when they're in pain, or if they're angry or frustrated, orwhen they're happy or smug when their attack hits their opponent, and it will really help make the characters more believable.


Length: You’re almost 1,000 characters short here; you didn’t even hit the minimum, and it looks like you just put in a halfhearted effort and gave up on reaching 10k. While length shouldn’t be your top priority, you should at least put in the effort to make sure you’ve reached the minimum, because length is still an important part of your story, even if not the most important. You should concentrate on making sure that you tell the story as best as you can, which usually means trying to include as much description and character development as possible (even if that means that the story is TOO long in the end), though you really seemed to lack this anyway.

Basically, you could have EASILY reached the bare minimum had you just added a bit more detail and description. Making the plot a bit longer would have also been a big help, but honestly, just adding some more description would have done wonders for you. XP


Summary: I know this was your first story, but it's usually best to go for something easier your first time. You still did a pretty good job for your first story, though again, you really needed to hit the minimum length here, and to just make the plot a little more elaborate provide a reason for the rampaging Dudo/Dodrio.

In the end, since this your first story, I'm going to say Doduo captured! Your future graders won't give in so easily however, so listen to the advice I gave here and use it to improve your future stories, because you won't get away with not hitting the minimum again. Just work some more on that description and you'll be great. ^^


~Psychic