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RonRaygunX3
01-05-2008, 09:35 PM
The Caterpie That Could

Chapter 1

" Fabio, I bet you can't even win a single battle with that stupid Caterpie of yours!", yelled Fabio's older brother, Buck.

Fabio was a small child, only ten years of age. Neatly combed brown hair fell to the circular rims of his glasses. He was one of the four boys of his family. All of his brothers were larger and had "more powerful" Pokemon than Fabio, and they often teased him for having a Caterpie. Regardless of their opinions, Fabio loved his Caterpie. Everyday he would train with it, hoping that one day he might be able to win a battle with Caterpie.

" You know what, Bucky boy?", said Fabio boldly. "Today, I'm going to prove you wrong. I'm going to walk right through the Hearthome Forest and win my first battle. I will show you what me and Caterpie are capable of."

Without another word, Fabio marched triumphantly passed Buck, grabbing his vibrant colored green backpack, sweeping anything he could find that would help on his journey into the bag; a few Pokeballs, Potions, Escape Rope, and a few berries too eat. Fabio then put on his rainbow colored jumper suit and a pair of light up Sketchers then walked to the door, making sure Buck saw him leave. Fabio opened then loudly slammed the door, now stepping out onto the porch of his victorian style home. Feeling ready to win his first battle and prove his brothers wrong Fabio began to skip merrily towards the forest. ( Luckily Fabio's house is located about two minutes away.)

" Me and Caterpie, yeah, we're going for victory!", chimed Fabio, jubilantly as he skipped rather fairy like along the path to the forest.

After about two long minutes of skipping, Fabio meet a small sign located between two massive trees that read " Now entering Hearthome Forest ".

Fabio skipped proudly through the entrance and started too follow a winding path with a lot of tree coverage. The forest around him contained a large number of tall trees, many thorny bushes, and a dry soil that appeared to be a shade of red; perhaps partially clay. Fabio kept a watchful eye for any Pokemon that he might be able to battle. Suddenly, before Fabio's light up Sketcher shoe could meet the ground he saw a swift blur of white fly out from under him, perching itself on a nearby tree. After adjusting his glasses to his face properly, Fabio then realized what the white blur was. It was a Starly. The Starly had white, fluffy feathers, and short wings that barely looked appropriate for flying. Atop it's head was a swirl of black feathers, and it had a long, narrow orange beak.

" This looks like our chance, go Caterpie!", shouted Fabio anxiously as he threw his Pokeball down to the read soil.

The red Pokeball popped open, releasing a shower of vibrant blue sparks. Once the sparks were cleared there stood Caterpie. Small in size, green in color; it's eyes shined with an apparent desire for victory. Starly then furiously flapped its stalk little wings, landing swiftly in front of Caterpie as if it wanted to battle.

" Caterpie, I guess we should start this off with your Tackle attack!", called Fabio.

Caterpie then began quickly wiggling it's little body straight towards Starly. Caterpie then leaped in the air with the back of it's tail; and at the same instant Starly charged at Caterpie at blinding speed with it's Quick Attack. The two little Pokemon collided, both taking damage and flying in the opposite direction towards the ground.

" Good job Caterpie, now lets try a String Shot!", ordered Fabio, whilst pointing at Starly encouragingly.

The little Caterpie tilted it's head back, then launching a gooey trail of white string directly at Starly. The strings wrapped around Starly's wings, immobilizing it.

" Now lets follow that up with a Tackle Attack!", yelled Fabio.

Caterpie charged at Starly again, then leaped with all of it's stength into Starly. Starly was hit, and strings now came undone from Starly's body. Starly then flew up into the air, then dived down at Caterpie, wings spread out wide, in a Wing Attack.

Fabio yelled quickly, " Dodge it, Caterpie!".

Caterpie thrusted itself into the air, barely dodging Starly's attack.

" Now, go full strength at Starly with another Tackle Attack!" shouted Fabio, now very excited with thoughts that he might actually win a battle.

Caterpie launched itself upwards once more. This time, Caterpie hit Starly directly while it was still above him after using Wing Attack. The strong little Starly crashed recklessly into the ground, and the triumphant Caterpie landed gracefully next to it.

" I guess I should use a Pokeball now!", said Fabio.

Now his heart was racing with exhilaration, for he realized that he had proven he and Caterpie's strength, and won his first battle. He could not wait to return home and see the look on his brothers faces when he told them the story of how he won his battle with Starly. Fabio tossed the Pokeball at the weakened Starly. The ball popped open and blue sparks flowed out, as the Starly was sucked in.

The ball wiggled once, twice...

[[Desired Pokemon: Starly]]
[[Character Count: 5,099]]

Nikki the Mew
01-06-2008, 03:13 AM
I'll take this one. Expect one soon!

Introduction & Plot: Well, there wasn't much of a plot, but hey, it's a Starly. I can't say much, 'cause it's a pretty basic plot. It's good, though!

Detail: The detail was great. You didn't drag on with unimportant details (like the brother, for instance), and concentrated on the battle details. Which, of course, is always the thing to do.

Grammar/Spelling & Dialogue: I noticed a few mistakes, and things like these are usually not picked up by a spell checker. Try to proofread your work, or have someone do it for you.

Battle & Reality: I loved the battle. You didn't stretch the limits of reality, except in one case. Starly may have tried to dodge the String Shot. But, either way, it's still very believable.

Length: Well, you barely slipped in there. Haha! It's good.

Overall: Short stories are always hard to grade. XD The only thing you didn't have was much of a plot (but again, it's a Starly!), and you have a few misspellings. Anyway, enjoy your new Starly!

Starly Captured.