PDA

View Full Version : And We're Off!


Manly Blissey
01-11-2008, 01:22 AM
READY TO GRADE!

Title: And We're Off!
Pokemon Trying To Catch: Magikarp
Character needed: 3k-5k
Characters: 4503


The story begins at Nardy's home. Nardy, along with his new Pokemon companion, a Turtwig, decided to take a quick trip to the lake along the way to the next city. He and his Turtwig were starting to bond, although their relationship was still a bit "rough around the edges". Nardy believed this trip will give them some time together to communicate and build a good relationship with one another.

Nardy's father gave him an Old Rod to take to the lake and they began to make their way towards the lake.

"Are you ready for our first adventure together?" exclaimed Nardy.

"Tur, Tur-Twig!" agreed Turtwig, although he still seemed a little uptight.

And then, noticing how discontented Turtwig looked, Nardy said to Turtwig, "Don't worry buddy. I know we'll be the best of friends." He grinned.

Turtwig also brought a smile to his face and you could tell he was feeling better.

Nardy and Turtwig we're coming over a hill when Nardy noticed the lake in the distance.

"Look how beautiful it is Turtwig! We're almost there!" shouted Nardy.

Turtwig looked just as excited as Nardy was and they raced down the hill and walked to the building near the lake. Inside was Harold, a friend of Nardy's father.

"Nardy, me boy, how are ye?" asked Harold with a funny accent.

Harold was an older man, in his late-60's. He has been a fisherman since Nardy had been a baby, probably since his father has been a kid. He was a very rough-looking man, but was as jolly as a pirate on the seven seas.

"I'm doing fine, sir. And how are you?"

"Oh, I'm doing very well!" chuckled Harold. "So, what brings you to these parts, young Nardy?"

"Well, I was wondering if my Turtwig and I could take a boat and go fishing. I brought my own Old Rod. My father lent it to me."

"Anything for you, Nardy! Just take Ol' Betsy out by the dock. But go easy on her, for she is very old."

"Thanks Harold! I'll be back soon!"

"Tur-Twig!," added Turtwig in unison.

Nardy and his Turtwig scrambled outside to the dock and there was Ol' Betsy. It was a creaky old boat, but very sturdy.

"Are you ready?" Nardy asked Turtwig.

"Twig!" replyed Turtwig, very anxious.

"Here we go!"

They hopped onto the boat and Nardy started to paddle. The lake was fairly large, but you could see the other side of the lake from one end. As he paddled, Turtwig was gazing at the water.

"It's beautiful water, isn't it Turtwig?"

"Turtwig," he agreed, nodding his head.

"This reminds me of when I was a young boy and my father brought here to fish. We always had a great time but I was never able to catch a fish. But I have a feeling that today, that will change." said Nardy.

Nardy kept at paddling the boat, and Turtwig took in the scenery.

"Do you think this is a good spot, Turtwig?"

"Tur-Twig."

"Ya, I think it is, too. Let's start fishing."

Nardy and his Turtwig sat in the middle of the lake, being very quiet, cautious of scaring any Water Pokemon away. A couple hours passed, and Nardy was half-asleep.

A big rock of the boat woke up Nardy and startled him.

"Whoa, what was that?" Nardy asked himself, confused. "It must've had some power to rock the boat like that."

Suddenly, his Old Rod began to tug.

"Something's on the line! I have a bite!"

"Turtwig!" exclaimed Turtwig.

"This is a big one! Help me pull Turtwig."

They both pulled with great intensity, but whatever was on the line was outpowering them.

"Okay, we have to make this a big tug. When I count to three, pull as hard as you can. One, two, three, pull!"

Nardy dug his feet into the boat as best as he could and Turtwig stood his ground. they yanked and jerked and finally...

"There it is!" yelled Nardy. "It's a Magikarp!"

The Magikarp flipped and flopped through the air but finally calmed down and glared at Nardy and Turtwig.

"This is it, Turtwig. This is our first battle. Are you ready?"

"Turtwig!"

"Great! Now go! Use Razor Leaf!"

Turtwig sprung into the air and shot razor-sharp leaves at the Magikarp. It dodged the attack and tackled Turtwig.

"Are you okay, Turtwig?"

"Tur-twig."

"Okay give it a big Bite attack!"

Turtwig shot into the air after Magikarp and gave it a big Bite.

"Good job! Now use Absorb!"

Turtwig sucked all of the energy out of Magikarp. Now it was breahing heavily and could barely move a muscle.

"Now here's our chance. Go, Pokeball!"

The ball hit the exhausted Magikarp and started to wiggle...

Phantom Kat
01-12-2008, 11:58 PM
Intro: Nardy is a young boy who has a Turtwig yet, even though they started to bond, aren’t such great friends as he had hoped. To remedy this, Nardy decides that a good old adventure is the perfect thing.

This was good. I liked the fact that a trainer and his Pokemon aren’t exactly the best of friends, yet. Most stories start out with the trainer and Pokemon being the best of friends and with the skills of a skilled trainer. Also, you didn’t use the “kid walks into forest (or something), finds Pokemon, and catches it” that a first time URPH story can get away with but have no chance at harder categories.

However, an intro should also tell us about the characters and their surroundings visually as well so that the reader can form a good, solid picture that hey can follow throughout the story. What did Nardy look like? Was his short, chubby blonde boy with millions of freckles. Maybe Nardy was a tall, handsome lad whose chocolate hair fluttered in the breeze. What was he wearing; a muscle shirt or a sweater? Tennis shoes or bulky boots? Describe as much as possible (not in a list though because that’s boring to read) and this also goes for the surroundings of your characters. A lovely spring day in Sinnoh or a chilly day in Kanto? The sky, the plants, the time of day can make your intro pop to life and it’s must for harder Pokemon. Work it in into your introduction because an introduction is meant to grab your reader by their shirt collar and drag them into your story. If an into is kind of bland and doesn’t give us a good picture will leave the reader uninterested.

Remember, first impressions are always important and that’s what an intro is about. Start out your story with a bang!

Plot: Nardy and his Turtwig go out into the lake, Old Rod in hand, to find adventure and hopefully, a better relationship as trainer and Pokemon. As Nardy thinks back, his Old Rod has a bite and after some pulling, a Magikarp is revealed. A short battle later, Magikarp is weakened and the Poke Ball is thrown.

This was good for the little orange fish so well done. ^^ Like I said, I liked the whole “Rough around the edges” friendship. It would have been better if you explained this further. How was it rough? Did they disagree about battle strategies or did they get annoyed at each other at times? If you explain small problems like this, you could work them into your story and make the plot more interesting. They could have disagreed about taking the boat, maybe Turtwig didn’t swim and did not want to get near the water let alone on a boat. Or, the end battle could have been bad if Turtwig and Nardy did not agree about the moves or combos.

Small things like these can spice you plot and make it more interesting to read. Explaining little details like that can go a long way if you play it write and with an already original plot, it will make your story that much better. ^^

Grammar/Spelling: Usually, this is the main problem new writers have but your grammar is really well and you certainly know your way.

"Thanks, Harold! I'll be back soon!"

These are the only mistakes you made more than once: putting a comma before the person that is being addressed. Just remember that you always need a comma before a character’s name when they are being addressed to but other than that, nicely done!

Length: No complaints here, nice job. =3

Detail/Description: This was good for a first story, you certainly spiced up how people talked and their personalities. Stuff like “talked with a funny accent” really makes a character stand out from all the others.

However, like in the introduction, you did not paint a picture of how things looked like. You said Harold was jolly but how did he looked like? Chubby with a full grown beard or tall with a balding head? Also, how did the lake look like? Calm and peaceful and free of pollution or was it small and cramped with a foul smelling odor? Remember, we can’t see what you have in mind, at all. It’s your job as the author to tell us what you see through words. Use words like “emerald” and “ruby” to describe any grass and flowers they passed and “calm” and “serene” for the lake when they arrived. Use colors and adjectives to describe what’s happened: both the setting and the characters in it.

Also, even though most of us know how most Pokemon look like, you need to describe your Pokemon characters, as well. If I had never picked up D/P and haven’t seen the anime, I might not know how Turtwig looks like. Describe each Pokemon you encounter just as you would describe every human character you encounter. From color to size to the way their fur/feather/scales feel like.

Battle: Short and to the point, perfect for an Easiest Pokemon.

Remember, you want to make your battles as two sided as possible. It’s always fun to read about a battle where the outcome is unclear (even if it Turtwig vs. Magikarp) that reading a battle where you know who’s going to win even before the first turn ends. Even though Magikarp only has two moves, you can still make him fight back with vigor. He could have slapped Turtwig in the face, blinding him, and then following it up with a Tackle. That Tackle could have sent Turtwig into the water, thus giving the Water type an advantage. Doing that and using as many moves as possible from both Pokemon can make your battle long and exciting.

Describing attacks and the battle terrain (a rickety old boat, in this case =p) will also improve the battle. “Razor sharp leaves” can be changed into “Emerald leaves as sharp as kitchen knife”, making the attacks sounds and look more deadly. The boat rocking back and forth may have also put the Grass type into a disadvantage, causing his attacks to miss. Using the terrain can mean the difference of winning or losing and makes the battle that more exciting.

Outcome: Your grammar was strong while your plot was sweet and simple; you probably know my answer. Magikarp captured! Make sure to start you intro with a bang and describe everything from characters, to surroundings, to attacks. Have fun with your fishie! =D

- Kat

Manly Blissey
01-14-2008, 01:24 AM
I didn't expect this good of a grade! Thanks! I'll be sure to use more description in future stories. =]