PDA

View Full Version : ~Mareep-A Not So Sheep~


Trainer17
01-14-2008, 07:03 AM
Desired Pokemon: Mareep
Characters Needed: 5-10K
Characters Used:8,338K

~.~Story Ready To Be Graded~.~

Samuel is a Pokemon trainer from Twin-Leaf Town. Although he has been old enough to train Pokemon for a year, his parents wanted him to stay at home until he was eleven. However, they did let him get a Riolu from Professor Rowan at the Pokemon Research Laboratory in Sandgem Town. Even though he didn't travel off the island, he still trained with his Riolu (now Lucario) and studied all about the art of training Pokemon under the guidance of the professor.Lucario was now a fully grown Pokemon, Tough and Agile, it was always fond of battles, and it wouldn't give in without a hustle.With nasty moves like Dragon Pulse and Aura Sphere, Lucario is one Pup you wouldn't want to mess with. But today, Samuel is finally turning eleven he will begin his journey as a Pokemon Master the day after.

"Samuel, have you packed for your Pokemon journey yet?"

Samuel looked up from the television. "Mom, I've been packed for two days now! You know I can hardly wait for tomorrow!"

"Ok, Samuel, just wanted to make sure. Dinner is in five minutes, so go wash up. Then after we'll open presents your Father and I bought for you"

Samuel took one last look at the program he was watching, a broadcast of the Indigo Pokemon League Games. At the moment, some kid's Pikachu was KO'd by a Bellsprout. "Wow, strong Bellsprout", thought Samuel. "This kid's gonna need a lot of luck to beat that plant". Just then the kid - Ash Ketchum, according to the scoreboard on the screen - pulled out a Muk and smothered the killer weed."Well, Muk does rhyme with luck". He turned off the T.V. then went to wash his hands for dinner.

Dinner was good, the cake - better, but the presents were the best of all: six new Pokeballs to replace the six-year-old ones he had, a black, upgraded Pokedex complete with translation capability, and to top it off - an ultra ball, for the really hard to catch Pokemon.

"Wow, an ultra ball, that must have cost a lot! Thanks so much!" said Samuel.

Samuel spent the rest of the evening testing out his new pokedex with his Ivysaur. "Okay, Lucario, say something and let's see if this translation option works."

"What should I say?", the Pokedex translated the words almost as fast as
Lucario said them.

Samuel laughed, "Interesting question, but it works." He noticed the
clock. "Whoa, its getting late. Let's get some sleep before we begin our
journey."


The next day...

Samuel woke up early the next morning, eager to begin. He flew down the
steps like a missile and nearly collided with his dad. After bolting down
his food, he raced toward the door and barely managed to stop himself when
he heard his mom call him.

"Yeah Mom? What is it? I want to get going ASAP."

"Prof. Rowan wanted to see you before you leave, Samuel. He said it was
important."

"Okay, I'll go there first." Samuel ran up the road, heading towards Sandgem Town and into the research laboratory at top speed. He arrived at the door and had to catch his breath before he could ring the bell. One of the professor's three aides answered the door. "Hi, my mom said that Prof. Rowan wanted to see me before I left. Where is he?" pleaded Samuel.

"He's in the back with the Luxio," she answered. Since he was tired from running, Samuel walked to the back of the lab, and spotted Rowan rubbing some kind of lotion on a Luxio's cut.

"Professor, did you want to see me?"

"Yes, I did Samuel. I wanted to show you one wild Pokemon found in Route 201 which might be helpful for your journey. I know I already gave you a Riolu, but since you have had to wait for a year, I feel that you should have another by your side." Professor Ivy said hesitantly.

"But what Pokemon might it be Prof.Rowan?" Questioned Samuel.

"Well, it's a Mareep, just a wild one i saw the other day, But be warned Samuel, he packs quite a load of power!"

"Hmm, interesting. Perhaps an electric pokemon in addition to Lucario."Samuel thought.

"Well, Lucario, Do you think we should catch this sheep??"

"Luu..Luca!!", Lucario let out a roar of agreement.

"Ok, Samuel, This Mareep is found in Route 201, Lurking by the waters. You can find him there!" answered Prof.Rowan.

Without even replying, Samuel and Lucario dashed out of the Lab, and headed straight for Route 201.As Sandgem Town faded in the distance, he pulled out his map and looked to see where Route 201 was.

Samuel and Lucario, headed up the heavily-forested path which eventually led to Route 201. He kept one of his Pokemon out with him to keep him company on the hike. At the moment, Lucario was walking along beside him, when Lucario twitched his ears and ran towards a certain direction. He dove under a large bush, and disappeared, while Samuel went after Lucario and went inside the large bush as well. When he crawled out of the bush, Samuel couldn't believe his eyes, He saw a cave, and next to it, a clear river, much like an Oasis, also a home to many water Pokemon. Little did he found out that the sheep he was hunting for was at the side of the River, sipping up the water to quench it's thirst.

"Lucario, here's our chance, go!" Samuel yelled, commanding the faithful dog to charge at the Mareep. "Use your Dragon Pulse to hit the Mareep into the Cave Wall next to the River!."

Blue-colored waves whipped through the air, and headed towards the surprised Mareep, which tried to defend itself, by using Light Screen, a golden shield appeared before Mareep, trying to give it protection from the Dragon Pulse.But the Dragon Pulse was too strong for a small Mareep, thus it protruded through the Light Screen and hit the Mareep.

"Maa!!Reeep!!" Screeched the mareep as it hit the Cave's walls from the blast concocted from the attacks.

The mareep stood up struggling on all fours, It whimpered towards the Cave for safety. Samuel and Lucario raced after the hurt Mareep, in hopes of catching it.

The Cave

The cave was pitch black, and Samuel could merely see anything.But with help of Lucario, It aided Samuel with it's "light-lit paws" and they ventured till they reached an dead end, finding the Mareep standing right in front of them, nowhere to run.

A beam of Light was entering from an opening at the top of the cave, giving Samuel sight of the Scene.Samuel felt sad for the state Mareep was at, feeling rather pity for it, "Mareep, I do not wish to harm you any further, I just want you to become part of my team. You, me and Lucario, all travelling together, What you say?" Samuel requested Mareep.

But Mareep had other thoughts, It straightly charged towards Lucario with it's whole body charging up with electricity!

"Oh No! Lucario watch..." Even before Samuel could complete his sentence, Lucario was hit with the charged up Mareep and was thrown to the far side of the Cave, before Lucario picked up it's pace and landing safely.

"Prof.Rowan was right, this guy doesn't give up without a fight! Oh darn, Mareep, I really dislike hurting you but your making me to do so!"

"Luuu!!Cario!" Roared Lucario, ready to put down Mareep for good.

"Alright Lucario, Use Extremespeed to get close enough Mareep, and hit with Poison Jab! That'll put down Mareep for some time!" Samuel added.

Lucario, launched itself, heading towards Mareep at super fast Agility, and his paws began to glow purple in color, ready to overthrow the Mareep with a Poison Jab.

Mareep too, with nothing else to lose, came charging towards Lucario with an Discharge.The both Pokemon were close to each other, unleashing their own attacks, a huge blast soon followed after...

A thick smokescreen erupted from this blast, almost blinding Samuel and the other Pokemon.When the smoke started settling down, Samuel saw his partner Lucario lying unconsciously in the cold cave floor, way behind him. On the other hand, the frail Mareep was down as well, But it was hurt even more as it was inflicted with poison as well.

"Lucario, return!" Samuel withdrew his Pokemon back into the Pokeball. Just then, Samuel remembered that his parents bought him an Ultra Ball.
He thought, "Perhaps this will settle that Mareep down, I know Ultra Balls should be used for stronger Pokemon, But this is an emergency!".

Samuel finished up the battle with an Ultra Ball, and the unconscious Mareep was swept up into it without any resistance.The Ultra Ball began to shake to and fro, once, twice, ....

Pokemon Trainer Sarah
01-14-2008, 08:23 AM
Story: The average beginning story. A trainer receives a starter Pokemon and supplies then heads off on their journey. This is fine for a Simple Mareep, but keep in mind that you're going to have to be a little more creative if you go for tougher Pokemon. ^^ Anyway, while the story wasn't that original, you added a bit of a twist in having Samuel stay at home for an extra year with his Riolu.

While the bit about watching the Pokemon League reminded me a bit too much of how Ash began, I thought the reference to him and his battle with Bellsprout was nicely added. ^^

As for finding the Pokemon you’re going to capture, it was interesting having the Professor point out Mareep, though I'm wondering how he knew it was there. The story was believable with a good introduction so that’s fine. The only thing I felt that was missing was a physical description of Samuel. It’s one of the most important things to include, so be sure to remember that for next time.

Just a couple of mistakes in the story:

Samuel spent the rest of the evening testing out his new pokedex with his Ivysaur.
I think that should be Lucario.

Professor Ivy said hesitantly.
And that should be Professor Rowan.

Just quickly read through your story before you post it to pick up things like that. ^^

Grammar/Spelling: Overall it was pretty well done. I noticed that you used quite a few words in the wrong instance though.

it wouldn't give in without a hustle.
Hustle usually means to speed up, so it doesn’t really fit here. Though unoriginal, the word ‘fight’ would fit in better.

Little did he found out
The saying is “little did he know”, so found out doesn’t really work here either.

The cave was pitch black, and Samuel could merely see anything
Should be ‘barely’. Merely means only, just or simple.
Example: The battle was merely seconds away

giving Samuel sight of the Scene
Giving Samuel a view of the scene would work better here.

It straightly charged towards Lucario
Should be:
It charged straight towards Lucario

Lucario, launched itself, heading towards Mareep at super fast Agility
While agility and speed have similar meanings, here it’s better to use ‘speed’. Otherwise you can say:
Lucario launched itself at Mareep with great agility

Sometimes it’s hard to find the right words to use, but it’s better to use simple ones that fit properly than more advanced ones that don’t. ^^

Just remember that the only words that need to be capitalised are names of people and places, or anything related to Pokemon.

For example,
Tough and Agile and Cave Wall next to the River!.
None of those capitalised words need to be capitalised, whereas words like Pokedex, Ultra Ball and any names of Pokemon or items should have a capital letter.

"Ok, Samuel, This Mareep is found in Route 201, Lurking by the waters.
You don’t need to use capitals after a comma, only after a full stop.

Blue-colored waves whipped through the air, and headed towards the surprised Mareep, which tried to defend itself, by using Light Screen, a golden shield appeared before Mareep, trying to give it protection from the Dragon Pulse.
While there was some good description in here, try not to make your sentences too long or it can get confusing. You could split that up like this:
Blue-colored waves whipped through the air, and headed towards the surprised Mareep, which tried to defend itself by using Light Screen. A golden shield appeared before the sheep, trying to give it protection from the Dragon Pulse.
This is much easier to read and understand. Remember that commas are used as pauses when you’re writing, so if you have to, read your story aloud or in your head to see if you need a comma or not.

Your spelling and everything is really good though ^^ So well done. Grammar doesn’t play a big part in grading, as long as the story is readable, so you don’t have to worry too much about it, but you should always read over your work to make sure it makes sense, and use a Spell Checker too just in case. ^^ I hope some of what I said helps you out, and if you have any questions feel free to ask ^^

Length: Fine for Mareep

Detail: You didn’t seem to have much description, but what you did have was really good. Description is one of the most important things in a story because it allows the reader to see and feel what the writer wants them to. When writing a URPG story, the main things you should describe well are the main character(s), any Pokemon in the story and the surroundings. Remember that not all description has to be what is seen. You could always describe the feel or smell of something.

Samuel and Lucario, headed up the heavily-forested path which eventually led to Route 201.
Here you did really well with description. See how adding a tiny bit of detail can really help? ^^ Try to do that wit all your writing and you’ll make your stories much more interesting and easy to get into.

But with help of Lucario, It aided Samuel with it's "light-lit paws"
Adding some detail about this would help. How did it light its paws up? Did it use some kind of an attack or ability? Instead of calling them “light-lit paws” you could say something like Lucario’s paws lit up, casting a golden light on the cave walls.

Another thing to remember is to try and vary your word use a bit. Instead of saying “Route 201” all the time, try saying “their destination” or instead of saying “Samuel” you could say “the young trainer”. I noticed you did this with Mareep so that was good.

pulled out a Muk and smothered the killer weed.
I love that line ^^

Always add as much description as you can. You can never really have too much! ^^

Battle: The battle was a little on the short side, but it was alright for a Simple Pokemon. Battles are one of the most important parts of a URPG story, so try to use as many different moves as possible. Having each side using around 3-4 moves is usually alright for Simple Pokemon.

and his paws began to glow purple in color, ready to overthrow the Mareep with a Poison Jab.
This is fine description, so well done ^^ Also using two attacks at once in combination is always good.

You did well keeping the battle relatively even, even though you’d expect that Mareep would be no match for a Lucario, so well done.

This is the section where you get to show off your Pokemon strategies, so don’t be afraid of being original and trying strange new ways of using attacks. ^^

Outcome: It was close, but Mareep captured! The main thing that let you down was your lack of description, but otherwise it was fine for a Simple Pokemon. In future be sure to read over your work, add more detail and make the battle a bit longer with a few different moves from each side. Though you had a few grammatical mistakes, you seem to be a very good writer ^^ So keep at it and good luck for your next story. If you have any questions about anything I've said, please let me know. :happy:

By the way, you do know that you can edit your Sableye story and then get it regraded, right? ^^

Trainer17
01-14-2008, 10:05 AM
Story: The average beginning story. A trainer receives a starter Pokemon and supplies then heads off on their journey. This is fine for a Simple Mareep, but keep in mind that you're going to have to be a little more creative if you go for tougher Pokemon. ^^ Anyway, while the story wasn't that original, you added a bit of a twist in having Samuel stay at home for an extra year with his Riolu.

While the bit about watching the Pokemon League reminded me a bit too much of how Ash began, I thought the reference to him and his battle with Bellsprout was nicely added. ^^

As for finding the Pokemon you’re going to capture, it was interesting having the Professor point out Mareep, though I'm wondering how he knew it was there. The story was believable with a good introduction so that’s fine. The only thing I felt that was missing was a physical description of Samuel. It’s one of the most important things to include, so be sure to remember that for next time.

Just a couple of mistakes in the story:


I think that should be Lucario.


And that should be Professor Rowan.

Just quickly read through your story before you post it to pick up things like that. ^^

Grammar/Spelling: Overall it was pretty well done. I noticed that you used quite a few words in the wrong instance though.


Hustle usually means to speed up, so it doesn’t really fit here. Though unoriginal, the word ‘fight’ would fit in better.


The saying is “little did he know”, so found out doesn’t really work here either.


Should be ‘barely’. Merely means only, just or simple.
Example: The battle was merely seconds away


Giving Samuel a view of the scene would work better here.


Should be:
It charged straight towards Lucario


While agility and speed have similar meanings, here it’s better to use ‘speed’. Otherwise you can say:
Lucario launched itself at Mareep with great agility

Sometimes it’s hard to find the right words to use, but it’s better to use simple ones that fit properly than more advanced ones that don’t. ^^

Just remember that the only words that need to be capitalised are names of people and places, or anything related to Pokemon.

For example,

None of those capitalised words need to be capitalised, whereas words like Pokedex, Ultra Ball and any names of Pokemon or items should have a capital letter.


You don’t need to use capitals after a comma, only after a full stop.


While there was some good description in here, try not to make your sentences too long or it can get confusing. You could split that up like this:
Blue-colored waves whipped through the air, and headed towards the surprised Mareep, which tried to defend itself by using Light Screen. A golden shield appeared before the sheep, trying to give it protection from the Dragon Pulse.
This is much easier to read and understand. Remember that commas are used as pauses when you’re writing, so if you have to, read your story aloud or in your head to see if you need a comma or not.

Your spelling and everything is really good though ^^ So well done. Grammar doesn’t play a big part in grading, as long as the story is readable, so you don’t have to worry too much about it, but you should always read over your work to make sure it makes sense, and use a Spell Checker too just in case. ^^ I hope some of what I said helps you out, and if you have any questions feel free to ask ^^

Length: Fine for Mareep

Detail: You didn’t seem to have much description, but what you did have was really good. Description is one of the most important things in a story because it allows the reader to see and feel what the writer wants them to. When writing a URPG story, the main things you should describe well are the main character(s), any Pokemon in the story and the surroundings. Remember that not all description has to be what is seen. You could always describe the feel or smell of something.


Here you did really well with description. See how adding a tiny bit of detail can really help? ^^ Try to do that wit all your writing and you’ll make your stories much more interesting and easy to get into.


Adding some detail about this would help. How did it light its paws up? Did it use some kind of an attack or ability? Instead of calling them “light-lit paws” you could say something like Lucario’s paws lit up, casting a golden light on the cave walls.

Another thing to remember is to try and vary your word use a bit. Instead of saying “Route 201” all the time, try saying “their destination” or instead of saying “Samuel” you could say “the young trainer”. I noticed you did this with Mareep so that was good.


I love that line ^^

Always add as much description as you can. You can never really have too much! ^^

Battle: The battle was a little on the short side, but it was alright for a Simple Pokemon. Battles are one of the most important parts of a URPG story, so try to use as many different moves as possible. Having each side using around 3-4 moves is usually alright for Simple Pokemon.


This is fine description, so well done ^^ Also using two attacks at once in combination is always good.

You did well keeping the battle relatively even, even though you’d expect that Mareep would be no match for a Lucario, so well done.

This is the section where you get to show off your Pokemon strategies, so don’t be afraid of being original and trying strange new ways of using attacks. ^^

Outcome: It was close, but Mareep captured! The main thing that let you down was your lack of description, but otherwise it was fine for a Simple Pokemon. In future be sure to read over your work, add more detail and make the battle a bit longer with a few different moves from each side. Though you had a few grammatical mistakes, you seem to be a very good writer ^^ So keep at it and good luck for your next story. If you have any questions about anything I've said, please let me know. :happy:

By the way, you do know that you can edit your Sableye story and then get it regraded, right? ^^

Yay! I got a Mareep! After all those time writing..Phew, thank you so much Sarah!
And yes, I'm working on that, And when i've done that, I'll PM you with the Link as well!:wink: