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Pokefan Silver
01-19-2008, 07:01 AM
Silver Sparks Fly



Ok, so the story takes place right out of New Bark Town, it is about a young trainer named Silver who has been vacationing in Sinnoh and decides to kick it back in his home town, and while visiting, reconnects with his old peers, this is hopefully going to wind up getting me a Pichu (hopefully). This is only my 2nd story so... bare with me

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A young boy about 15 with short, deep purple hair, a red, svelte cowboy hat on, a beige shirt and pants that look like that of an explorer, red cowboy boots, a pair of fingerless gloves, a carrying bad around his waist, a pair of frameless glasses, and a bandage across his nose, and olive colored eyes lay stretched out under s spruce tree. When suddenly, a small group of youth approach him.

"HEY SILVER!", Aruki, a boy wearing olive green shorts, dusty brown sandals, a orange T-shirt, dirty blonde hair, and blue eyes yells "We've got to get going, the Remoraid are biting at the lake just outside of Violet City" he abruptly shouts.

"Last one there's a Slowbro", Kiera, a young girl wearing nothing but a light blue mini skirt, a skin tight pink shirt , and clear, white sandals, says jokingly.

As the others rush off, good rods in hand, Silver takes a large yawn waits a minute, gets up, and brushes off his clothes, then calls out his Pokemon, pulling out a Pokeball from the bag around his waist, then throwing it. The ball opens in midair, and out it, comes a small, white Pokemon with a green head, and pink "horns" coming out of the front and back of the creatures head. Then, the creature descends to the ground, addressing the boy.

"RALTS!", the Pokemon yelps.

"Ralts, use teleport, were going to Violet City", says Silver.

"Ra-alts!", says the Ralts.

Suddenly, Ralts eyes begin to glow a deep blue, psychic energy surround the two, and they are instantly transported to Violet City. As the two take a look around, they notice the youth from earlier, just entering the city.

"So... who is the Slowbro", Silver says jokingly.

As the group come to the lake, they each pull out a towel to sit on, and some set up some picnic baskets up, for some snacks, as the boys search for some bait to put on there hooks, the girls begin talking over the baskets of well prepared food.

"I FOUND SOME!" yells Aruki.

Aruki, grinningly walks up to the other boys, with a hand full of worms. The boys begin to bait there hook,

"EEK!!!", Kiera shrieks as a Pichu jumps out of the picnic basket, Rice Ball in hand.

"PICHU!", The Pichu yells, taking a bite of the roll.

"HEY!", Eurika, a girl, about Arkui's age, dressed in a dark blue skirt and light green shirt yells, "Than thing ate all of the Rice Balls".

"Pichu?", Pichu says, looking confused, finishing off the roll before suddenly dashing off.

"Hey, can we get back to fishing, we have plenty more food and a cooler, lets not cry over spilled bread", Aruki says, trying to be funny

"Hey guys, I've got a bite", shouts Kai, a youth, also around Silvers age, wearing dusty blue jeans, and a dirty brown shirt, tugging on the line.

As the others rush to help the boy with the rod, Silver sneaks behind a shrub, and reaches for another Pokeball from the bag.

"Go, Cynadquil", Silver whispers throwing another Pokeball.

The red and white capsule opens in midair, releasing a small, mouse looking Pokemon with flames raging from its back.

"Cyndaquil, meet me on the other side of the lake", Silver whispers walking out of the shrubbery.

"Uh hey, guys, I'm going to go try my luck on the other side of the lake", Silver mutters,

rushing to the other side, his Cyndaquil tailing behind him in the bushes. Silver waits till he is too far for the others to see, than darts into the bushes. Cyndaquil, waiting anxiously.

"All right Cyndaquil, were going to go catch us a Pichu", Silver says confidently to Cyndaquil.

After a half hour of searching, the duo come across a large, towering oak tree, then Silver, as he often does, sits under the tree and takes a quick rest, when...

*THUMP!*

A large Appricorn falls on his head

"OUCH! What was..." Silver looks up, rubbing his now bruised head,

"PICHU PICHU!" shouts a Pichu, perched atop a tall branch.

As the Pichu scurries down, Silver readies his Pokeball.

"Cyndaquil, get ready", Silver says, holding an empty Pokeball.

As the Pichu descends to the ground the battle begins

"Cyndaquil, FIRE BLAST", Silver orders Cyndaquil.

"QUIL!", Cyndaquil shouts, gasping in a large breath of air, then exhaling a large plume of red hot fire that hits the Pichu as it touches the ground.

"CHU!", Pichu yells as it is hit by the scorching blast of breath.

As the Pichu gets back to its feet, blue sparks begin to flow from its pouch-like cheeks

"Pi-PI-PICHU!!!", the Pichu cries, firing a huge bolt of thunder at the Cyndaquil,

"QUIIIL!" Cyndaquil cries as it is struck by the lightning. "Q-Qu-Quil", Cyndaquil breathes heavily, gasping for air after that last brutal attack.

"Hang in there Cyndaquil, Smokescreen", Silver commands Cyndaquil.

Suddenly, the surrounding area is filled with a cloud of smoke.

"Great Cyndaquil, now, Flamethrower", Silver commands.

Suddenly, Cyndaquils lungs are filled with scorching flames as it is exhaled through its narrow snout. Just when the searing flames surround it. Pichu appears from behind Cyndaquil, dodging the near fatal attack. Pichu grabs hold of Cyndaquil, and as its cheeks light up, thousands of sparks fly from the Pichu.

“Cyndaquil, NO!”, Silver shouts in disbelief .

“QUIL!!!”, Cyndaquil shrieks, running back an fourth trying to shake the Pichu.

“Cyndaquil, calm down... Kick it up in midair, then headbutt it!, GO!” Silver shouts.

Cyndaquil stops, then knocks the Pichu off of it. As Pichu falls to the ground, Cyndaquil charges at the Pokemon, head first

“CHU!”. Pichu yelps, falling to the ground.

"Now, Pokeball, GO!" Silver shouts throwing the capsule at the Pichu. The ball hits, trapping Pichu inside.

The ball totters back, and fourth, back, and fourth...

The ball totters back, and fourth, back, and fourth...


So, whats the verdict? Please, keep in mind this is my 2nd story... And I am writing this a... 2 AM... So I may just be acting out of sleepiness... I, honestly thought it was good, but, I don't make the final decision. I did proof read it and look for grammatical errors, so it should look pretty neat

The Jr Trainer
01-19-2008, 07:04 AM
I'll grade this.

Will probably have the grade up in like 12 hours... after I go to bed. Though I might finish tonight. ^^; Hang tight.

The Jr Trainer
01-19-2008, 05:27 PM
Introduction/Plot:
Well, you start off the story describing what the characters are wearing and what they look like a bit. That’s a good start, considering you’re a new writer, though remember to have more and more description and telling of the characters, even something to pull in the readers so they want to know what happens next in the story. ^^

The beginning bolded part it also good, its helpful to kind of set where you are. ^^

The plot is good for a Pichu. It’s good that Pichu just didn’t randomly appear out of the middle of no where. When Pokemon just appear out of the middle of no where for when you are battling it, the story kind of doesn’t appear right. Twisting and turning the plot can help a story.

This was overall good, but remember in the beginning of the story tell about your characters more and get the reader acquainted with everything in your story so it grabs them in and holds them there till the end.

Grammar:
There was quite a few mistakes, more than that even. Run your stories through a spell checker, or even write them inside of Word yourself and get it spell checked.

I’m just going to point out a few things I saw; though most could be flushed out from a spell checker. :/

When someone is done speaking, put a comma (,) at the end of it, not a period or not nothing. Lots of your dialogue was wrong with this mistake, unless it’s ending a complete sentence or ending a paragraph it should have a comma in between the quotation mark and the last word the person said.

There was a case of when you put a space before and after a word and the word after, I know you probably know this, just wanted to point it out to make sure you knew what you were doing. xP

Another thing is make sure there’s a space after a period, this only happened a few time, though I just wanted to point it out. ;P

Try to split really big paragraphs into smaller ones, make it so they the reader can more easily read through your parts of the story.As the Pichu gets back to its feet, blue sparks begin to flow from its pouch-like cheeks "Pi-PI-PICHU!!!" the Pichu cries, firing a huge bolt of thunder at the cyndaquil, "QUIIIL!" Cyndaquil cries as it is struck by the lightning. "Q-Qu-Quil" Cyndaquil breathes heavily, gasping for air after that last brutal attack. "Hang in there Cyndaquil, Smokescreen" Silver commands Cyndaquil. Suddenly, the surrounding area is filled with a cloud of smoke. "Great Cyndaquil, now, Flamethrower" Silver commands. Suddenly, Cyndaquils lungs are filled with scorching flames as it is exhaled through its narrow snout. As White, Hot flames hit the Pichu, it goes down, firing one more spark attack before fainting. "Now, Pokeball, GO!" Silver shouts throwing the capsule at the Pichu. The ball hits, trapping Pichu inside.

This whole paragraph should be split up, each time a new person/Pokemon is talking change it to a new paragraph. It makes the story look neater and more user friendly.

Detail:
This was probably one of your best. I could just about see everything, you nicely put what the characters were wearing. Though you should describe what the look like in more depth, not just what they happen to be wearing.

You did good on describing the Pichu and Cyndaquil for a simpler category, though make sure you are describing more and more as you descend into harder categories.

Again, add some more detail and this could be a great story. ^^;

Length:
This story was just under the minimum, you want to try and get it to at least 6k for this type of Pokemon. Check the ‘How To Write Stories’ thread, the last three posts explain it. ^^

Battle:
This battle was long enough for this type of Pokemon, just remember for in the future make sure you can make the battle more longer and painful for both sided. Meaning, make it two-sided. Don’t just let one of the Pokemon completely take over. Maybe even throw the trainer into the battle for some fun. This battle was a bit too leaned towards Cyndaquil, and Pichu was pretty much hit over and over. I think that little Pichu should’ve gotten in at least three or more attacks.

Anything can happen, its your mind, be creative and have fun with it. Maybe even close your eyes and type down what you see. ^^;

Remember; make it longer, more detailed and two-sided.

Final Outcome:
The story was okay, but the grammar really hit you hard. Pichu not captured. Sorry, but fix up the grammar add some more length and PM me for a re-grade.

Pokefan Silver
01-19-2008, 06:12 PM
Introduction/Plot:
Well, you start off the story describing what the characters are wearing and what they look like a bit. That’s a good start, considering you’re a new writer, though remember to have more and more description and telling of the characters, even something to pull in the readers so they want to know what happens next in the story. ^^

The beginning bolded part it also good, its helpful to kind of set where you are. ^^

The plot is good for a Pichu. It’s good that Pichu just didn’t randomly appear out of the middle of no where. When Pokemon just appear out of the middle of no where for when you are battling it, the story kind of doesn’t appear right. Twisting and turning the plot can help a story.

This was overall good, but remember in the beginning of the story tell about your characters more and get the reader acquainted with everything in your story so it grabs them in and holds them there till the end.

Grammar:
There was quite a few mistakes, more than that even. Run your stories through a spell checker, or even write them inside of Word yourself and get it spell checked.

I’m just going to point out a few things I saw; though most could be flushed out from a spell checker. :/

When someone is done speaking, put a comma (,) at the end of it, not a period or not nothing. Lots of your dialogue was wrong with this mistake, unless it’s ending a complete sentence or ending a paragraph it should have a comma in between the quotation mark and the last word the person said.

There was a case of when you put a space before and after a word and the word after, I know you probably know this, just wanted to point it out to make sure you knew what you were doing. xP

Another thing is make sure there’s a space after a period, this only happened a few time, though I just wanted to point it out. ;P



This whole paragraph should be split up, each time a new person/Pokemon is talking change it to a new paragraph. It makes the story look neater and more user friendly.

Detail:
This was probably one of your best. I could just about see everything, you nicely put what the characters were wearing. Though you should describe what the look like in more depth, not just what they happen to be wearing.

You did good on describing the Pichu and Cyndaquil for a simpler category, though make sure you are describing more and more as you descend into harder categories.

Again, add some more detail and this could be a great story. ^^;

Length:
This story was just under the minimum, you want to try and get it to at least 6k for this type of Pokemon. Check the ‘How To Write Stories’ thread, the last three posts explain it. ^^

Battle:
This battle was long enough for this type of Pokemon, just remember for in the future make sure you can make the battle more longer and painful for both sided. Meaning, make it two-sided. Don’t just let one of the Pokemon completely take over. Maybe even throw the trainer into the battle for some fun. This battle was a bit too leaned towards Cyndaquil, and Pichu was pretty much hit over and over. I think that little Pichu should’ve gotten in at least three or more attacks.

Anything can happen, its your mind, be creative and have fun with it. Maybe even close your eyes and type down what you see. ^^;

Remember; make it longer, more detailed and two-sided.

Final Outcome:
The story was okay, but the grammar really hit you hard. Pichu not captured. Sorry, but fix up the grammar add some more length and PM me for a re-grade.
Ok, I edited it, I copied it to my word processor and did what you told me. So, how about it?

The Jr Trainer
01-19-2008, 06:20 PM
Ok, I edited it, I copied it to my word processor and did what you told me. So, how about it?

Okay, you added some more detail, it looks a lot better.

I just want to show you a few things. ;P

"Ralts, use teleport, were going to Violet City", says Silver.

The comma should go after the 'y' in 'City' not after the quotation mark. And...

“QUIL!!!”, Cyndaquil shrieks, running back an fourth trying to shake the Pichu.
There's no need for a comma at the in this one, if you use a exclamation mark (!) or a question mark (?), you have no need for a comma at all.

And before I forget... Pichu captured. Have fun with the little electric mouse, rat thing. :P

Pokefan Silver
01-19-2008, 06:22 PM
Okay, you added some more detail, it looks a lot better.

I just want to show you a few things. ;P



The comma should go after the 'y' in 'City' not after the quotation mark. And...


There's no need for a comma at the in this one, if you use a exclamation mark (!) or a question mark (?), you have no need for a comma at all.

And before I forget... Pichu captured. Have fun with the little electric mouse, rat thing. :P
YES!!! Thank you!