View Full Version : Team Chaos
01-21-2008, 12:56 PM
Chapter 1: Introduction to Evil
Matty sat in his tent. His crimson red hair fell over his eyes. He was shuddering with fear. He'd heard something. A horrible moaning sound had come from outside somewhere. Matty's heart was racing. His head was spinning with fear. He had Pokemon, but none of his sounded strong enough to face whatever that beast was. Matty stared at the ground as time slowly ticked past. Matty's only thoughts were fears of what would happen if it came this way. All he could do was sit and wait. Matty had also heard some whispers. It was hard to tell if they were real or not. Matty felt a tear drip down his face as he sat waiting for farther away roar.
After waiting several hours, Matty was convinced the beast was gone. He exhaled. He never wanted to travel as a trainer. His parents had convinced him too, particularly his father. He missed his parents, his mother's hugs and kisses and father's happy-go-lucky attitude. Matty sighed again. He placed his head on his pillow. It'd been almost a month since he met his sister. That was the last time he'd seen his family. He never could work those phones to see them. Matty closed his eyes and drifted to sleep.
Matty awoke to a bright sun through a hole in the tent. His green eyes were glared with light. He attempted to swat away the light, unsuccessfully. He yawned as he stepped out of his tent. He began to start a fire when he heard more footsteps. His curiosity was buzzing. He peeked his head over the line of bushes the noise had come from. There he spotted several men dressed in outfits with the letter "C" written all over them. Matty raised an eyebrow. They were talking, but he couldn't make out the words. All he could here were several, "Good catch!"'s. He wondered if this had anything to do with the roaring of last night. Matty crawled back over to his fire. He pulled out some rice and cooked it over the flame. He ate it and lied down on the ground. He stared at the clouds. They were in all shapes and sizes, but one stood out the most. It looked like a female Pokemon. Matty'd never seen one like it though. He shrugged. He yawned as he closed his eyes and drifed off.
Matty opened his eyes to see something moving around in his tent. He couldn't tell what it was, but it looked dangerous. Matty noted the many scratches and rips in nearby trees. He bit his lip. Maybe this was what had made those horrible sounds last night. He tipped over to the tent. He grabbed one of his Pokeballs, too nervous to focus on which one. His head peeped over the door of his tent and he saw it for the first time. It was a smallish pink beast with a sharp horn. It looked like it wanted to kill him. The creature lunged at him. Matty ran out and flipped open his Pokedex, keeping his distance.
"Nidoran, Male, the Poison Pin Pokemon, the very friendly counterpart to Nidoran female. This Pokemon's poisonous horn is only for protection."
Matty raised his eyebrow again. Friendly? It had attacked him. Matty stopped and thought, Actually I think it might've just jumped at me... Matty laughed as the small Pokemon walked out of his tent. "You're the beast? Wow I'm such a loser..." Matty said. He stood up. "Well either way. I'm gunna catch you ok?"
Nidoran cocked his head to the side and smiled. Matty threw his Pokeball. Magby appeared. Magby began to play with the small flames he was spewing out. "Magby! We're in a battle! Focus yourself!" Matty shouted. Magby turned around with a pondered look. Nidoran ran at Magby and hit him square in the back. Magby grabbed himself in pain. He used an Ember attack at Nidoran. Nidoran agilely dodged and ran at Magby with Horn Attack.
"Dodge! Then use Smokescreen!" Matty yelled. Magby jumped out of the way of the attack. He let out a cloud of smoke on the field. It became difficult for anyone to see. "Use Ember into the smoke!" Matty yelled. Magby breathed out several fireballs into the smoke. Matty listened for and yelps of pain, but none were heard. Matty raised an eyebrow. Where was Nidoran? Matty thought.
Suddenly Nidoran jumped out of a bush from the side and hit Magby in the back with another horn attack. Magby was forced into the smoke. Nidoran quickly followed in. "Use
Fire Punch!" Matty yelled. Magby focused his mind to send flames onto his hand, but he was too slow! Nidoran jumped at him and used Poison Sting. Magby fell over and grabbed at his poisoned side. Matty bit his lip. He couldn't see what was happening. It was up to Magby to win this fight until the smoke cleared.
Magby tried to focus his mind again for another Fire Punch, but Nidoran used Double Kick. Magby fell over on his side. Magby winced in pain as the poison clenched his body with pain. Magby stopped and began to think. Magby used Confuse Ray! Nidoran was caught using a Double Kick. The attack was used on itself! Magby smirked as he focused his mind towards his hand. A flame jutted out of Magby's hand as he ran at Nidoran. Magby's attack made contact, smashing Nidoran away. Magby grabbed at his side. He missed a breath as he toppled over on his side. Matty saw an injured Nidoran fly out of the smoke. Matty pulled out a Pokeball and tossed it with all his strength. The ball opened over the Pokemon. Nidoran morphed into a red light and was pulled into the Pokeball. The ball landed quietly as it shook. Once, twice, thrice...
Wanted Pokemon: Nidoran(m)
# of Characters: 4,351
# of Characters (w/ spaces): 5,431
01-30-2008, 10:35 AM
I'll take this, BTW I'm not reviving. ^_^
Plot/Introduction: Alright, so Matty (Is it?) Is camping out in his tent, when suddenly, he hears a noise. It sounds like a huge beast, he's afraid. He doesn't go outside to check what the monster is. He has Pokémon, he just doesn't think they could take on the beast that made the sound. After awhile, he starts to get tired and stars to miss his family.
This was pretty interesting. The whole "camping out" thing was a tad boring, but when you added the "missing his parents" bit, it started to get exciting. It didn't give me the hook though, I felt you could of been a lot more creative, maybe the creature was stealing something from Matty all the time? Or something? Yeah :/ as you go for harder Pokémons, your going to have to elaborate your plot a lot more. I felt this a small bit too simple. Think about all the thing you could of added to it, I don't think it was too interesting. Maybe you could get ideas from movies, books, and Anime episodes. They don't even have to be Pokémon, but they'll give you a good idea for a plot. Just don't say you made it up, unless you elaborate it alot more.
Length: Hmm... Below the minimum, it doesn't really matter. Though graders and users say that it's sometimes better to go for in the middle of the required length, to the maximum length. Going over it doesn't hurt either. Just remember, qaulity is more important than qauntity.
Spelling/Grammar: This was fine, I feel that you have a good grasp of the basics of grammar. Remember to place your commas correctly, as well as your fullstops. ^_^ Run your work through a spellcheck a couple of times. Aswell as trying to spot the mistakes yourself. If you can, it helps your grammar aswell as your story. ^_^ There weren't too many mistakes, I'll just point out a couple of the mistakes.
He had Pokemon,
"Pokemon" should be "Pokémon".
, "Good catch!"’s.
That should be "Good Catch!" Without the apostrophe and the "s" at the end.
. It looked like a female Pokemon
"Pokemon" should be "Pokémon".
He yawned as he closed his eyes and drifed off.
I suppose "drifed" is supposed to be "drifted"?
"Well either way. I'm gunna catch you ok?"
I'm intending that "gunna" is either how he said it, or it's supposed to be "gonna"?
The creature lunged at him. Matty ran out and flipped open his Pokedex, keeping his distance
"Pokedex" should be "Pokédex".
Matty laughed as the small Pokemon walked out of his tent.
"Pokemon" should be "Pokémon".
There were a few more mistakes similiar to the apostrophe ones, but I'll let them slide, just make sure to have all of them over anything beggining
with "Poké". :D
Detail/Description: This was pretty good, I found a few outstanding parts of detail, I'm just too lazy to show them. :D Anyways, you have a good selection adjectives, except I'd think you want to try and look for harder ones. Instead of using "red" for the color of Matty's hair, use "ginger" or "crimson" or something like that, as it sounds more advanced. Remember to describe the clothes that Matty wore too. I couldn't really picture anything od him, except his hair, which you only gave the color of. Work on providing as much detail and description as possible. It's like painting a picture of your story without a paintbrush. XD It gets fun after you think of more words to use. Instead of using words to describe when people have a lot to say, you could think of your own saying for it, for example "A Lava-flow of words" see? You could use things like that anything.
Make sure to describe everything, what size was his tent? What was the forest like? Was it damp? Dark? Lush? You have to tell us, so we can picture it in our heads as if it were a painting. ^_^ Remember for describe Pokémon as well, if I wern't too familiar with Nidoran [M] and/or Nidoran [F], then I may not know what they look like. Work on trying to describe the Pokémon aswell, you should describe some aspects of them. Like their color, their shape, their size and any characteristics they might have. It all pays off to let the reader see the Pokémon aswell.
Smells? What about smells? What did Matty smell? Was it a fragrance? A stench? An odour? We should know, just give a breif description of Matty shifting his nose, the smelling something odd. Just let us know something like that, if he did smell anything that is.
Feelings? You described these pretty well, once in your story. You lacked a lot of other times, was Nidoran eager to battle? Was Matty happy to have found out it wasn't a huge horrible monster? You'll need to tell us all of these things, just so we know if the character is happy, sad or even man. ^_^
Battle: This brought you down, sadly. ;_;
I feel this battle was lacking a lot, in length, description and a flow. You should always make sure that it's realistic in your battles. This was very one-sided to Magby, Nidoran got like one attack in, then Magby swept the floor with it. You need to make sure the Nidoran is up for the fight. Not to mention since Magby is a fire type, and Nidoran is rock, ember and smokescreen would not do that much damage, when you think about it, that is. You should have tried to make Nidoran put up more of a fight. I mean, you move combos were pretty nice, just didn't think you wrote the battle too well, in my opinion.
Outcome: This was a really hard decision for me, honestly it was, the battle brought you down very low, the description in general was ok, and your length was ok. Nidoran Captured! That was just barely captured, have fun with the small rodent thingy.
01-31-2008, 12:52 AM
Thank you so much!
I'll love my new Nidoran. I'll take your comments to heart when writing the other chapters. I always thought Nidoran was Poison... Sorry for that then.
01-31-2008, 03:51 AM
Yeah, I made a mistake, but it still shouldn't do that much damage. ^^;
01-31-2008, 10:40 AM
Oh ok sorry I'll try to make my battle more interesting during my other chapters
The First Encounter
We join our hero immediately after catching a Nidoran male. Matty, a 14-year-old beginner trainer, currently has 4 Pokemon which include: Elesor, the Electabuzz, a Magby, a Smoochum, and a newly caught Nidoran. Matty's physique is rather basic, being only 100 lbs and 5'3. His body is kinda skinny and bony looking. His father was once a world renounced trainer, specializing in Fire types. His sister, who he has previously encountered, was kidnapped at a young age and has become part of a carnival group that travels around the land.
Matty fell backwards on his backside, his hat flailing to the side. He laughed a little. Magby cocked his head to the side and walked over to the Pokéball that contained a new member of his family. Magby felt the red and white ball all over with his small paws. He hit on it several times. Magby eventually became bored with the matter and walked over to his owner. Magby began to touch the teenager's spread out crimson hair. He sent a small ember onto the darkish-red material. Matty jumped up in surprise, grabbing a water bottle to put out his head flames. He walked over to the mechanical mystery on the ground several feet away from him. He pressed on the button that would open the mechanism. The small, pinkish, pointed Pokemon emerged that Matty had been previously battling with. Matty scratched the top of his head to consult himself until a smile stretched across his face. He opened his dry lips and muttered, "Niddo..." Nidoran scratched his ears in response to his newly given name and cuddle next to Matty.
After a short introduction for Niddo, Matty decided to get a night's sleep. He fixed up his smallish tent and returned his Pokémon, with the exception of Niddo. Niddo ran into Matty's tent and cuddled into a ball beside Matty's sleeping bag. Matty grinned as he slipped silently into his bag and began to drift off.
Matty awoke in the middle of the dark night to a loud crying. He noticed that Niddo had also disappeared. Matty poked his head outside to find Niddo, eyes full of tears, staring at the stars crying. Matty walked over to the Pokémon and sat beside him. "You miss someone?" Matty said, almost prophetically.
Niddo looked at him and let out a stream of tears before shaking his head in anger. He perked his head up in pride, only to fall onto his face in the ground. His eyes were flowing with tears. Matty bit his lip. He'd always been awkward around crying people. He bent over Niddo and gave him a silent hug. Niddo let out the rest of his tears until he slipped into slumber. Matty carried him into the tent and placed his on the floor. Matty slipped into the tent, more squished than usual and slept with a smile.
Awakening to the bright sun through the thin material of the tent, he rolled over to his side to see Niddo missing. Matty jumped out of bed and ran outside. Niddo was sitting over a hill looking at the forest below. A thought dawned upon the boy. A scene from two nights ago flashed into his head. The several men who were muttering a nice catch. They must've stolen Niddo's parents. Matty pulled out his Pokédex. He looked through it for Nidoran's parents. Two Pokémon came up, Nidoqueen and Nidoking. Matty took the Pokédex over to Niddo and held it in his face. "These what your parents look like?" Matty asked. Niddo nodded through a cry. "Well did big mean men come and take 'em?" Matty said. Niddo nodded and began a long, loud cry. Several Murkrows flew out of nearby trees. Matty rolled his pale green eyes at the sound of the crying Niddo. He felt bad for the little critter but this was ridiculous.
Matty stroked his chin. He thought about where the men might've been going. "Niddo! I've decided I want to help you save your parents!" Matty shouted with glee. Niddo's face lit up in excitement. The tears of sorrow transformed into tears of joy. He began to hop about. "But we have a small problem. I haven't the slightest clue where to find your parents."
Niddo dropped in disappointment. He sat on his back legs for several seconds, although to Matty it seemed like an eternity. Niddo's face began to glow as he darted off in a direction. Matty tried to call after him to slow down so he could pack up however that was a lost cause. Matty chased after the Pokemon.
Niddo stopped in front of a cave entrance that was oddly closed with a steel door. Matty caught up to the Pokemon and looked over the situation. A tad peculiar, having a steel wall to protect a cave... Matty thought. He looked around for anyway to get in and noticed a key slot. He bit his lip. If Niddo's parents were in there, they'd have to find another way to get in. Suddenly, footsteps could be heard, along with voices. Matty grabbed Niddo and jumped into a nearby bush. Niddo opened his mouth to win, but Matty placed his hand over it, only to be bitten. Matty winced in pain. He let out a loud, "Ouch!" the men stopped to look and found the hiding duo.
"What are you two doing here?" one of the strangely dressed men asked.
"Well I was just..." Matty muttered.
"You were trying to sneak in huh?" the other said.
"Well, we've got a punishment for that!" the first said.
"No! I wasn't-" Matty began.
"Hey is that a Nidoran!" the second man said, cutting off Matty.
"Um, well, uh..." Matty tried to think of something, but couldn't.
"That must be the baby to the Nidoking and Nidoqueen we caught yesterday!" the first said.
"Huh! What Luck! We got a whole family! It's time you got to so your parents and sister little brat!" the second said to Niddo.
Niddo fled into the forest avoiding the men but Matty was held down. His face in the mud, Matty frowned. I'm happy Niddo got away, but I'll miss him. Matty thought.
The two men led Matty into the base. The cave seemed to multiply on the inside. Everywhere there were bushing scientists and the likes. Matty was forced into a small room. His Pokemon were placed on a nearby table. The two men walked over to a wall and chained Matty to it, limiting his movement. "Dammit!" Matty screamed as they left the room. He couldn't move, he was about to die, and he'd never see his friend again... or his parents. Matty's eyes filled with tears. He hated traveling and now he was going to die! They'd probably use his Pokémon for evil. Matty hung his head. This was so horrible! He pulled up his head to inspect what may be his last room. It was very simple. There was the door in which he entered, two tables opposite each other, one with his Pokéballs on it, and a large fan on the ceiling. In the corner was a small trashcan. Matty sighed, not the most exciting place to be in. Matty looked up to the surprisingly low ceiling to find an air vent. He tried to squirm and jump to reach it, but no use. He was stuck. Wonder what they're gunna get for me. Matty thought. It had been almost 15 minutes without a sign of anyone.
The door opened with a loud, "Bang!" as Matty lifted his head. A strange scientist with brownish hair pointing out in several directions entered. He eyed the hanging boy with interest. He walked over to the table with Matty's Pokéballs and let all of them out. He eyed Electabuzz with curiosity before returning all of them. He walked in front of Matty and began, "So you're the one who was caught with the Nidoran? Did you know we had its sister and parents?"
Matty shook his head. Sister? -Matty thought. The man laughed. He took out a strange device. "I was going to use this little device on your Pokemon, but you don't really have anything worth stealing. I'll instead use it on the Mother of that Nidoran's father," the man said evilly. He held out the device. It looked almost like a black bowl with lights and wires jutting out all over the place. "It'll be easier to bring you to them than them here. Men! Bring this boy to the containment chamber 1FA!" the scientist yelled into an intercom. Several men ran in the door. Suddenly, as if from nowhere, Niddo fell from the ceiling and fought back the strange men who had come to take Matty. Niddo used several Poison Stings and Tackles to ward them off, but became tired. Matty's eyes filled with tears. "Niddo! You shouldn't have come!" Matty yelled deeply frightened. His new friend had become close to him. It suddenly hit him that all of his Pokémon would be tortured also. His eyes became angry. "Gaaaa!" He tugged at the chains binding him. Niddo turned to see his master's frustration. He quickly jumped and used several Horn Attacks to free Matty. "Thanks Niddo," Matty whispered. However, a Team Chaos member grabbed Niddo and Matty knocked out.
Matty awoke to the scientist playing with his little gizmo. Matty looked around to see himself in a cage. Niddo was chained up and to the wall. There was also two other Pokemon inside. A Nidoqueen and a Nidorina. Matty's eyes were astounded to see all the generations of Poison Point Pokemon. He smiled. Niddo was crying for joy for seeing his mother and sister. "So you must be his mother and sister?" Matty said. The two nodded happily. "Well! Are you happy now? What are you gunna do with us? Leave us in this cage to rot?" Matty shouted at the cruel man on the other side of the cage. The scientist’s hair seemed to frizz with excitement. "Not at all my boy! I've thought of a much more suiting punishment... Bring him in boys!" the man yelled out to door.
Two, quite fearful, grunts appeared from the door with a caged Nidoking, swiping about. The two had to carefully push the cage to avoid the angered Pokemon's wrath. "You know who this is?" the scientist almost laughed out. Niddo and his family looked saddened at this sight. The Nidoking roared with anger. "That's right! It's the father of these beasts. And I've got a special surprise for you." The two grunts quickly scurried out of the room in fright. The scientist walked over to the boiling Pokemon. He lifted his special do-dad and placed it upon the monster's head, dodging and violent thrashes of the arms. The device began to blink rapidly until the Pokemon seemed to have fallen asleep standing there. It's eyes transitioned from a bright green to a dull gray. His violent thrashes around him came to an abrupt halt. His entire body seemed to have crouched over. "Good..." the scientist whispered. He walked over to a microphone placed on the desk. "Now Nidoking! Kill them!" the scientist now yelling. Nidoking's entire body shifted as the cage that held him was opened. He began to charge up his mouth for a powerful beam attack, directed at Matty's cage.
Matty noticed Niddo and Nidorina crying. Their blue and purple colors blended. It was so sad and yet it looked beautiful. Nidoqueen stood at the front of the cage, looking solemnly at her husband. Tears of despair wept from her eyes as the attack was launched, piercing her in the heart. Nidoqueen fell backwards. Matty and the two Pokemon ran over to her. Matty check for a pulse, but there was none to be found. His eyes began to drool tears. Niddo's body began to rage. His entire mind had become angered. He wanted to kill! Niddo escaped through the hole created by Nidoking's blast and charged at the scientist. He jumped to tackle him when, "Stop him!" was heard. Nidoking intercepted the attack and threw Niddo to the side. Nidorina's body also now seemed to anger after that sight. She quickly ran out the hole and attacked Nidoking, aiming for his head. "Dodge that and punch her away!" the scientist called through his microphone. Nidoking dodged the attack and punched Nidorina's gut, sending her off. The two lower-level Pokemon stood no chance. Matty had been secretly escaping from the cage. He grabbed Smoochum's Pokéball from a nearby table. He tossed it. "Smoochum! Make sure no one enters those doors! Use Psychic!" Smoochum focused her mind and created a bluish aura around the door, making it inoperable. "This is your fight. I won't interfere," Matty said to Nidorina and Niddo. The two nodded as they rose from their attacks. They charged at Nidoking together.
Nidorina tackled Nidoking by knocking back his feet as Niddo jumped on him. "Stop her!" Nidoking tried to attack him, but Nidorina intercepted the blow. She was sent flying into a wall. She looked in serious pain. Niddo quickly attack the device on his father's head and dented it. However, it seemed too strong to break. "Ha! Fools! You can't break my device! Now Use Hyper Beam on you son!" Nidoking began to charge up the attack when something snapped inside of him. He began to look more into it as he swayed back and forth. He fell to the ground. Matty became afraid. He couldn't move. Everything was silent and still. The man grabbed a gun from his pocket and aimed it at Niddo. As if from nowhere, Nidoking jumped and intercepted the bullet. He was stricken and fell.
"No..." Matty whispered. He watched as blood spewed from Nidoking's injury. He'd never survive. Nidorina had risen from her attack to find her father, dead, lying on the floor.
"What a waste of a life!" the scientist yelled as he aimed the gun at Niddo again. An attacking Nidorina knocked the gun out of his hand. The man grabbed his hand in pain. He looked to see the risen Niddo standing by his sister. The two began to move towards the scientist with great speed. A loud "Thud!" was heard as Smoochum's body began to shake. The doors were trying to be entered! Niddo and Nidorina halted for an instant. The scientist was now bleeding, unconscious, most likely soon to die. His face was covered with scratches and bleeding wounds. The Pokémon looked at Matty. He bit his lip. How would they get out? "Niddo do you still know the way you got in here?" Niddo nodded. "Smoochum! Can you lift a couple people up to that air vent?" Smoochum nodded. Smoochum closed her eyes as she gave out on the door. She lifted all four of them using Psychic and placed them carefully into the air vent. Matty returned Smooches once they had reached the vent. Matty began to crawl after Niddo who lead the way. They moved at tremendous speed. The winding vents seemed to go on forever, until they saw a speckle of light. The threesome ran faster than before and escaped. They rolled out of a back vent on the opposite side of the cave front. Matty sighed with relief. Niddo and Nidorina were lying unconscious. He returned Niddo and carried Nidorina to the closest Center he could find. He must've walked two miles before reaching one! He ran up to the nurse. "Can you heal this Pokemon? And this one too?" Matty held out Nidorina and Niddo. The nurse looked afraid at Nidorina. She quickly release Niddo to see he was also in bad condition. "I'll see what I can do," she said seriously.
Matty sat outside the emergency room as the two Pokémon were being operated on. His face was covered in sweat. What if they didn't make it? - Matty thought. He bit his lip in frustration. The light over the room went off as the Nurse exited. Niddo was in her hands, looking much better. He walked over to Matty and snuggled on his leg. Matty smiled. "And Nidorina?" Matty said frightened.
"Well we haven't finished her treatment, but after a day of rest she'll be back to normal," the Nurse said happily. Matty sighed in relief. He picked up Niddo and hugged him, ignoring the spikes jutting out of his body. He was too overjoyed to care.
The following day little happened. Matty played around with Niddo and his other Pokémon to forget about Nidorina until she was better. Niddo seemed to e getting along great with Matty's other Pokémon. And everyone, but Magby, seemed to welcome his company. Magby seemed to take Niddo more like a rival than a friend.
The day passed and Matty woke up extra early, the first crack of light made him jump out of bed. He ran into the Pokémon Center and asked to see Nidorina. The Nurse walked into a back room and emerged with the bluish Pokemon full of energy. She let Nidorina down and Nidorina ran to Matty's arms. Matty hugged her, ignoring the painful spikes. "You should be more careful with your Pokémon," the Nurse said upset. That's when it dawned upon Matty that Nidorina wasn't his yet! Matty rushed out of the Center and into an open field.
"Okay Nidorina! Time for me to catch you!" Matty said, excited. He tossed Niddo's Pokéball. The Nidoran looked at his sister, ready for battle. "Niddo use Horn Attack!"
Niddo released energy into his horn and charged at Nidorina. She quickly dodged and tackled Niddo into a nearby tree. He wobbled up onto his feet. "Use Double Kick!" Matty called. Niddo ran at Nidorina again. Upon getting close to her, he swung his back legs forward to kick her once. The second kick had missed, however. Nidorina used a Poison Sting. Niddo was hit by the barrage of needles as he jumped into the bushes. Nidorina ran at Niddo and jumped, trying to land on him to use Crunch from a direct view. Niddo was waiting for Nidorina in the bushes. He had a Horn Attack facing upwards to use. Nidorina landed smack on the attack, but managed to still slam Niddo into the ground. A powerful Crunch on Niddo followed. Niddo screamed in pain. "Roll over and Use Fury Attack!" Matty yelled. Nidorina was a difficult cookie to crack. Niddo attempted to roll over to get Nidorina off but with no success. Nidorina used another Crunch, gripping Niddo's head. Niddo was directly hit! Niddo was more enraged now as he rolled forcefully over, getting Nidorina off him. Niddo jumped on top of her now and used Fury Attack! It hit four times! Nidorina winced in pain.
Niddo readied to use a Horn Attack as Nidorina opened her jaw for a powerful Crunch. Niddo was knocked out by her sister's power, but Niddo's Fury and Horn managed to tire her greatly. "Go Elesor!" Matty said. He tossed Electabuzz's Pokeball into the field. Nidorina was wobbling wit exhaustion. "Use Thunder Punch!" Matty said. Electabuzz ran at Nidorina, but she was too fast! Nidorina dodged and countered with Poison Sting. The Electabuzz's face was hit with a large quantity of needles. "Try again!" Matty called. Elesor ran at her again. The attack failed once more as Nidorina released a Crunch on Elesor. She crunched his head down badly! Nidorina was really starting to take a toll, however. "Elesor, Try a Thunder!" The Electabuzz readied himself to release a high voltage of electricity. His body seemed to light up with power. The attack was unleashed as a startling thunderbolt rained down from the heavens. Unfortunately, Nidorina was able to dodge the attack! She ran at Electabuzz and Bit down on Elesor's arm. A loud crack was heard and Elesor was immeadiately knocked out.
02-16-2008, 03:21 PM
Matty returned the Pokémon and grabbed yet another Pokéball. He tossed it as Smoochum emerged. Her semi-ugly face was lit up with energy. "Use a Powder Snow attack!" Matty called. His nerves seemed to be getting the better of him. What if I can't catch Nidorina? Niddo wil be devistated!Matty thought. Smoochum released a small wind of snow as Nidorina once again dodged the attack! She ran at Smoochum, at the last minute shifting her back weight froward. It was Double Kick. The blue pointy Pokemon's body was sweating hard. Matty's eyes lit up. Smoochum stod uncertain of what to do, her yellowish hair quivering in fear. "Smoochum, stand your guard!" Matty called. His green eys filled with anticipation. His body tensed. He could get back into this battle with this attack. Smoochum was hit by the first kick, knocking her guard off. Nidorina readied the second kick when Matty screamed with all of his might, "Smoochum! Now use Confusion!" The small Pokémon's eyes lit up her body was covered in a bluish ominous glow. Nidorina continued with her attack and was too close for comfort before being recieving the image in her head. Nidorina halted, still tackling into Smoochum but not as direct with a kick, and began to roll around in agonizing pain. Her pins stood on edge and flickered back and forth. Smoochum was still standing in her very creepy pose, her eyes lit with psychic energy over her quivering lips. Her little body was lit up with a bluish glow. But the color was different than on Nidorina, this was much more blue. It held the hold on Nidorina until Smoochum's mind tired out. The small body collapsed in exaustion and began to loudly pant. Her mind had been unable to handle so much pressure. It had been difficult to keep a hold on such a demoralized Pokémon. Nidorina's entire life had been in the dumps. Smoochum wavered her way up only to be strongly attacked by a Crunch, making contact with her face, gripping it painfully. Smoochum attempted to get up but fell lifelessly to the ground. Matty bit his lip to the point of bleeding. How could even that not stop her? This Pokémon is like nothing I've ever encountered. It's fighting spirit is surreal Matty thought. His only Pokémon left was Magby. If he couldn't catch Nidorina then what? Niddo would hate him. Matty repeated this thought.
He regretfully tossed his last Pokéball into the grass field. A light formed as the small red and yellow Pokémon appeared. Magby stood ready to battle as its mouth exhaled a small ember. Magby looked at the intensity in Matty's eyes. Matty's face was hard as stone. Magby looked at Nidorina. This must be a worthy opponent to do that to Matty. Matty's usually laid back. This could be interesting, the small Pokémon thought. His mouth curved into a sly cresent moon looking determined at Nidorina. "Magby use Smokescreen" Magby's smiled disappeared as it blew a barrel of smoke into the field. Matty hoped Magby still had the ability to fight excellently in the smoke. "Magby! Run into the smoke an use Ember as fast you can!" Magby jumped into the smoke. It inhaled a deep breath as it let out a barrage of Embers in all directions. Magby's entire body lit up with an intense color. Matty and Magby alike heard footsteps dodging the attacks. "Now! Magby aim at the footsteps!" Matty yelled into the smoke. Besides the dodging of Nidorina and the sound of flame, it was dead quiet. Matty felt uneasy. All he could do was wait.
Inside the cloud of smoke, Nidorina had only taken one Ember the the foot out of a large barage of attacks. Magby's breath had run out and was panting hard. Nidorina appeared from the smoke with her jaw dropped extremely low. She charged at Magby. Magby was too tired to be able to run. He stood and watched the attack near him. He quickly dove to the left with all of his strength. Nidorina landed skillfully onto its foot but collapsed. It seems that Ember had done more than thought. This falling gave Magby to regain his breath and stand up. He looked at his opponent, also standing. Magby's hand lit up with a flame. His body's force all put into one attack. The pressure was immense. Nidorina's mouth dropped down. Her eyes looked fierce. Magby's flame couldn't compare to the fire burning in those red eyes. Magby charged, his hand burnig and releasing energy. Nidorina's Crunch made contact with Magby's head. He was tossed aside. But his Fire Punch wouldn't go out. Magby jumpe dand landed over the unsuspecting Nidorina. She screamed in pain. Magby's body started to feel weak. He looked around and began to wobble. Magby fell with a thud over Nidorina's body.
As the smoke cleared, Matty gazed upon the site. Two Pokémon, lying on top of each other. Knocked out. Matty's face lit up to notice Magby's body on top. He ran over to the site and lumped Magby onto his arm. Matty pulled out his empty Pokéball and dropped it onto Nidorina. The Pokémon's body was engulfed in light. It was sucked into the Pokéball as the ball began to wiggle. Once, twice, thrice...
EDIT: The end wouldn't fit so I just cut off in a random spot
Characters ((w/ spaces)): 18;103
Pokemon to catch: Nidorina
The Jr Trainer
02-16-2008, 04:55 PM
I liked this whole thing. It was original, fun, exciting, sad, angering. Every emotion, I could feel the feel you were trying to put on the story. A nice feel to a story gives it a nice touch, it almost makes the story easier to follow, as if it’s the glue to the story, making it fit together perfectly. The whole Team Chaos thing was a good thing to add, it was something away from Team Rocket. Team Chaos has a different something to them, it was original for sure.
I liked the flow of the story too, some stories are just mashed together, but this seemed planned out and put nicely. Nothing in this plot I found was wrong, it flowed nicely, it had a few nice twists. I never would’ve thought that Niddo would come back and try to save Matty, or Nidoking would become “evil” and kill everything (or try to). Good twits, turns, idea(s), flow. This was pretty darn good, nothing more I can really say about it. :x
I know this is a sequel to a story, but a nice re-cap would help. Although, the introduction to this story was good, you introduced the new character, and the characters from before somewhat. It was good; but remember for a on-going story, don’t forget to give a small re-cap, that will help the graders. D:
All I really saw here was a few typos. Those can be get rid of by simply running the story through a spell check or even reading through your story. Proofreading is usually the best way to go though, your eyes can see your own mistakes, and spell checkers don’t get those mistakes when you type one word as another word like “not” and “nut.” :x
A few things I just want to say that you made mistakes on are when two of the same words are used right next to each other you put a comma in between them. “it it” would have a comma in between, “then then” comma in between. :x I found one of those in your story, but lost it. >_>
Also, a little dialogue problem that you had sometimes, and not others. You only repeated it a few times, but just to drill it into your head. :P
Ouch!" The men stopped to look and found
The (t) in [the] should be lower case, not upper case. Anything after a quotation mark that IS NOT a noun shouldn’t be capitalized.
One last thing. :x For when someone is “thinking” or “wondering” put something around them, or change the color of them. It makes the whole concept easier to understand, and whatnot. Maybe put < and > around them or even ‘ and ’. Those simple things can make it easier to read. Also do this for if you’re going to ever have Pokemon AND humans in the same story talking.
And, that is all I found. :/ Besides the few typos, this section was good. Keep it up. ^^
This was way to low. :x A Nidorina is a hard category Pokemon. Which means you need 20-30k, and you don’t even have 20k. x_x
This was just moderate. I understand this was part two of a story, but you could describe and tell me about the main character, Matty. Thus, not knowing what he looked like and not wanting to go read the first chapter, then the second I got confused. >_> Make sure you give a small description of what he looked like. I could tell how he acted, but you seem to leave out what things look like. That’s the only flaw I saw in your description of the story, you left out what things look like. I could know how they feel, and their emotions and all that stuff but not what they look like. D: Which wasn’t the greatest thing ever. Make sure you don’t leave out looks, emotions and feel and taste are important, but looks and images in peoples’ minds is what really brings the whole story to life. Without images in peoples’ minds how are they supposed to know what a person looks like when they’re in pain? D:
Recapping a person would be nice, it really helps even if you aren’t going to include it in the story. In the beginning of the story, the intro, you could’ve put a small recap on what Matty looked like, it would’ve been a good help to this section. ^^;
This, was a downside. D: It was a bit on the lower edge, and was bit to short and un-descriptive. You should make it longer, with more description. I won’t rant for long, but you need to add more and more onto this. What did Niddo look like when he was going into attack? Was he furious, happy, or just slow going in for the attack? Something should be added and could be added. I can see you’re a good writer. Just apply yourself more in this section of the story and you’ll be able to capture just about anything. This was, as I said a downside.
More description and attacks and more anime likeness to it would really bring it out. It was a bit short also. Make it longer and it shall be fine. :]
This grade might have been a bit to harsh, and I might’ve seemed angry at your story. But this was a good story, it just had a few lacking points. Something should be added to the detail/battle parts, and defiantly to the length. So, until you add to the battle and detail (length will just come with it. :P) you won’t be having this little, puppy, creature whatever it is. Nidorina not captured! PM me for a re-grade once you fix up and add those few things. ^^;
02-16-2008, 09:23 PM
Wow I think I must have like incapable eyes or something cuz I could've sworn that it said Nidorina was a Medium Pokemon....
I'm really sorry for that...
I'll edit my post right away
The Jr Trainer
03-05-2008, 09:51 PM
From what I remember, this was a pretty good story, just it wasn't exactly lengthy enough; but now it is. And is an even better story. You fixed up a few errors that I had pointed out, etc. This is a very good story; you should have good luck in the future. :D Since you made the story longer, and added and fixed and such. I get to say: Nidorina captured!
Have fun with the whatever-it-is. :x
03-05-2008, 10:46 PM
Just passing through, but I saw something I thought I should mention. Dialogue rules are tricky, which makes them all the more important because a lot of people have trouble with them.
Also, a little dialogue problem that you had sometimes, and not others. You only repeated it a few times, but just to drill it into your head. :P
Ouch!" The men stopped to look and found
The (t) in [the] should be lower case, not upper case. Anything after a quotation mark that IS NOT a noun shouldn’t be capitalized.
There is no such rule. 'The' should remain capitalized. Capitalization after dialogue depends upon the 'action' that follows. For instance, 'said' or 'yelled' is an action upon the speech, thus it is part of the sentence and not capitalized. When the action is something unrelated to the dialogue, such as 'stopped' in this case, then the sentence should be capitalized.
"Ouch!" The men stopped to look...
"Ouch!" the men yelled...
Also, the full quote that Jr Trainer is referring to was:
He let out a loud, "Ouch!" The men stopped to look and found the hiding duo.
So "Ouch!" was already part of a different sentence, indicated by 'let out a loud,' which is also correct.
03-06-2008, 10:38 AM
Oh my! Thank you very much! I love my new Pokemon!
@Galleon, I was wondering why I capitalized that letter. I remember it made me stop and think, but I could remember why it did. thatnks for the clear up
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