Mareep: The Electric Sheep

[No1Inparticular]

First Story: In The URPG I Have A Growlithe, But For This Story I Don't, Also It's Ready To Grade

Mareep: The Electric Sheep
7000+ Characters
Pokemon Wanted: Mareep

One hot, sunny day, in the calm, little town of Artinsi, a young boy, who was rather short and was wearing a light red hoody and jeans, called Max was running around while looking at some of the houses and shops around the little town, the only main buildings in the town were a Pokemart, a Pokemon Centre and a Daycare Centre. Max was running around, bouncing a new ball he had just got, when his ball accidentally bounced over a fence and into a yard.

Max looked around in the yard. Because he didn’t see any people or Pokemon he climbed into the yard, and looked for his ball. He looked for about 5 minutes before he found his ball lying under a tree. He quickly walked over to the ball when he heard the leaves on the tree rustling, and then, all of a sudden, a rather large Butterfree came out of the leaves.

The large Butterfree quickly stared at Max, and the Butterfree’s eyes started turning purple. Max quickly tried to run and climb over the fence but he tripped on a root coming out of a tree, the Butterfree flew up to Max and eight purple rings came out of her eyes, just before the Psybeam attach hit Max, a small sheep like Pokemon with yellow fluffy fur and blue skin called a Mareep jumped in front of Max. Although the Psybeam hit the Mareep, the Mareep continued to fight. Mareep’s fur started changing a bright yellow colour. But before Mareep could unleash the Thunderbolt attack, another Psybeam hit her. The Mareep laid silently unconscious on the ground.

Max picked up the small Mareep and looked around for help, then he realised that he was out the back of the local day-care centre. He quickly ran inside and realised he was behind the counter. Max quickly said to the young lady behind the counter, “Quick, this poor little Mareep got hit by two powerful Psybeam attacks from a Butterfree.”

The lady behind the counter looked about 14 years old and was wearing a pink shirt with green shorts and had blonde hair and a nametag on her shirt that said “Lucy”. Lucy quickly turned around at looked at the injured Mareep and said

“We need to get this cutie to the Pokemon Centre, you can explain on the way.”

They both ran outside and both jumped on bikes then quickly rode up to the local Pokemon Centre.

By the time they got to the Pokemon Centre, Max had already explained everything that had happened. When they got to the Pokemon Centre, they quickly walked inside and a Nurse Joy and two Blissey quickly came and took the young Mareep to another room. As the Nurse Joy and Blissey walked into the room, a light on top of the door turned red, Lucy explained to Max that when it turns red they are helping a Pokemon.
8 Hours later, Max and Lucy were both still sitting at the Pokemon Centre, waiting for the Mareep to come out.

“You should go home and get some sleep,” Said Lucy but Max quickly replied,

“no, I want to stay here, it is my fault that the Mareep is injured,” Lucy quickly turned to look at Max with a shocked look on her face,

“no it’s not, it was the Butterfree’s fault.”

But when she turned around she realised that Max had fell asleep on the chairs.

About one hour later, Lucy walked over to the vending machine to get a drink, when there was a quiet “ding.” Max quickly woke up as the light on top of the door turned Green. They both got up and stood in front of the door, when the small little Mareep ran out and jumped up into Lucy’s arms.

Max looked at Lucy with a confused look and asked Lucy,
“Is that your Mareep?”

Lucy replied with a slight giggle
“no, it’s a wild one, I have been looking after at the Daycare centre, it has grown to like me.”

Lucy and Max both thanked Nurse Joy for helping Mareep, and then they rode back to the Daycare centre.

When they got back to the Daycare centre they both walked through another behind the counter, it led into a small room with a bed, a fridge and a bathroom.

“Welcome to my home. I live here behind the Daycare centre so I can take care of the Pokemon, I only have to look after this Mareep at the moment, I don’t know how she got out,” Said Lucy as she walked towards a little pen, with Max still following.

Lucy put the young little Mareep into the pen, but then pulled her back out and put her on the floor. There was a rather loud beep so Lucy asked Max,

“Can you look after Mareep for me?”

Max quickly replied, “Okay, see you when you get back.”

Lucy walked out behind the counter and began talking to a girl about the same age as her.

The little Mareep was running around on the floor playing with Max when Lucy and the other young looking girl came into the room.

“Max, this is my friend Sarah” said Lucy pointing to her friend.
Sarah quickly ran over to the little Mareep and said to Lucy,

“is this the Mareep you were talking about” Lucy replied with a wide smile “yeh, if Max wouldn’t have shown up when he did, who knows what would have happened”. “Hey Max, are you planning on becoming a Pokemon Trainer?” said Lucy as she took a sip of her soda.

“Yes,” said Max,“but I still need to get a Pokemon if I plan on becoming a trainer.”

Lucy and Sarah both looked at each other then smiled.

“Hey Max, how about you take Mareep” said Lucy and Sarah at the same time,

Max replied, “Um, I don’t really want to take Mareep away from you, it’s clear you like…”

Lucy cut Max off and said, “no, you take her.”

Max thought for a while but just before Max was about to talk, Lucy said,

“how about Mareep battles you, and if you win, you can capture her. You can borrow one of Sarah’s Pokemon for the battle.”

Lucy looked at Mareep and said, “is that ok, are you up for a battle?” Mareep nodded her head,

“Ok, said Max, lets battle.”

Max, the girls and Mareep all walked out to the back of the Daycare centre, first, Sarah, threw up a Pokeball up into to the air and a big and pink Granbull popped out of the Pokeball,

In case that Butterfree wants revenge on Mareep or Max,” said Sarah with a smile.

“Go Mareep!” Yelled Lucy.

Mareep walked out from behind Lucy ready to fight.

“Okay” Max said as he threw a Pokeball into the air. “Go Cubone.” A small and also young Cubone came out just before the Pokeball hit the grass.

Mareep went for a tackle but Lucy quickly yelled out “Stop! You will need this Max” as she threw an empty Pokeball to Max.

“Begin Battle!” Yelled Sarah

. “Cubone, use Tackle” Said Max,

Cubone quickly ran at Mareep lowering his head,
Mareep also tried to hit a Tackle on Cubone, but Cubone over powered her.

Mareep’s fur started changing to a light yellow colour, and then a large Thunderbolt went straight toward Cubone.

“Quick, dodge it Cubone!” Yelled Max.

Cubone was to slow and got hit by the Powerful stream of thunder.

The Little Mareep ran straight at the grounded Cubone and quickly jumped up. While Mareep was in the air her fur starting changing to a bright yellow colour again. Mareep unleashed a powerful Shock Wave straight down onto Cubone, knocking Cubone over.

Cubone got up to his feet as Max screamed, “Dig!”

Cubone started hitting the ground with his bone making a big hole then he jumped up and climbed into the hole, then continued hitting the wall with his bone
.
Mareep was looking around trying to find where Cubone would come up but Mareep was too slow.

“Bone Attack when you come up,” yelled Max.

Cubone came out from right under Mareep and hit her right up into the sky with a powerful Bone Attack.

“Jump and use Headbutt!” Quickly yelled Max.

As Mareep was falling Cubone hit it with a hard heatbutt, Mareep flew straight into a tree then feel to the ground.

“Bonemerang!” Yelled Max at the top of his voice

Cubone aimed and threw his bone straight at Mareep, but Mareep jumped, which cause the bone to hit the tree. As the bone was on it’s way back to Cubone it knocked Mareep unconscious on the way.

“Now throw the Pokeball and wait for the Ding,” Explained Lucy,

Max focused on Mareep, then threw the Pokeball waiting for the high pitched “Ding.”

[Leman]

Expect a grade in a couple hours. D:

EDIT:

Plot:

So a kid, Max, loses him ball, climbs over a wall, and stumbles upon a Buttefree. The Butterfree, attacks him and he is saved by a Mareep. The Mareep is injured, so he and a girl he met at the Daycare take it to the Pokemon center. It gets healed, and the kid learns that it belongs to someone named Sarah. Sarah wants Max to have it, but Max doesn't want to take it. To settle it they battle, and the winner would take it.

It was fine. Not really that interesting, but certainly not one of the normal "Kid goes to forest and finds a Pokemon" plot. I guess its fine for a Mareep. Good work.

Introduction:

The introduction usually carries some description about the main character, but you didn't give me any. D: You might want to tell me some of that stuff and maybe why he was playing with his ball. :o It usually is descriptive, and makes you want to read this story, but this lacked that. It was sorta boring, and it didn't really make me want to read it, like it should.

I really have nothing else to say here. =/

Grammar/Spelling:

. <-- That is a period. :o You should use it more often.

Lots of run-on sentences. Like for example:

Max looked around in the yard, and he didn’t see any people or Pokemon. He climbed into the yard and looked for his ball. He looked for about 5 minutes before he found his ball lying under a tree. He quickly walked over to the ball. He heard the leaves on the tree rustling, and then, all of a sudden, a rather large Butterfree came out of the leaves.

Five sentences out of that one long, grammatically incorrect one. :P Split them up a bit. You also did not have a couple of commas. that I put in. most of your 'Paragraphs' were like this. (It wasn't a Paragraph. More like a long sentence). You really cannot write like this. It's grammatically wrong, and doesn't read well.

You must also make a new paragraph once a new person begins speaking. There were a couple time a whole conversation was in one Paragraph. Remember to always capitalize you sentences too, and put your commas before you start speech.

Numbers like Eight, Ten and Four should be written out. Basically all numbers before ten. If you are going to start a sentence with a number, you need to spell it out as well. even if its 15,454,831,547,545,484,848, or something like that.

I recommend reading the first few posts here before you attempt to write again though. It will help fix a LOT, of you mistakes: <<How to Write Stories>> (http://www.pokemonelite2000.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8445)

Your spelling, however, was fine.

Length:

6k. Fine. You might want to shoot a little higher than that, maybe in the middle. That would have been there, with details.

Details:

There were hardly any details in this story. You didn't tell me what the characters or the places looked like. For all I know Max could be a shrimp. =/ Without descriptions your story was bland and boring. Details are the life of the story, and a story without them is like an empty shell.

Describe EVERYTHING!! Make them vivid, and bright. A thesaurus (www.thesaurus.com) makes your description even better. A short description like:

a small, cute and fluffy Mareep

doesn't tell me much. Something a long the lines of:

It was what looked like a red monkey wearing something like a gold and silver body armor. It had a huge mane of flames on top its head. Filled with energy, it bounced up and down in place, screeching and whipping its tail around, like an excited puppy.

That, imho, actually tells you what the Pokemon is and you can picture it quite clearly in your mind. By no means is it the best, or even good, but for now, try to give a somewhat vivid description like that.

Reality:

It won't really take that long to heal a Mareep from a single Silver Wind attack. Maybe a couple, or a Psychic, and Silver Wind, but not just one.

Battle:

The battle at the end was a mere paragraph. Even though Cubone has a MASSIVE type advantage, you should still make the battle long, and interesting. The best thing you can do is make it two sided. This one was one-sided, and short. It was very obvious that Cubone was going to win. Throw twist in there. Maybe it learned Hidden Power. Maybe it blinded you with Sand Attack. Something to make it more interesting.

Also, you should never, ever say something like "Arcanine used Fire Blast, and it hit." You should describe the attacks thoroughly. Tell me exactly what they looked like, so the reader wont have to keep guessing at what you mean. It'll lengthen up your battles as well. In this there were only a couple attacks.

You did use your soundings a bit (with Dig), and I thought that was clever, but overall, it was just way too short.

Outcome: I gonna have to say Mareep Not Captured!! Fix up your grammar, and lengthen your battle, and I'll let this be a capture. Since it's your first, I wont worry about the description in the main story, but in the future graders will care about that. D: PM if you need a regrade.

[Leman]

Regrade:

Grammar:

Much, much, much better. You have paragraphs and sentences, and most of your commas are in the right spot. However, you still sometimes posted:

“can you look after Mareep for me?”

Can should be capitalized.

Watch out for random bouts of capitalization, and some periods you put into the next row on accident.

Details:

I can see you added some details, thats good. The length increased because of that few. Still, you need to describe nearly every single thing in the future. It'll make you're stories soooo much better, and funner to read.

Battle:

You didn't so anything other than space it out, so... I have nothing to say here, other than elongate it for the future.

Outcome: The battle's still a little to short for me. D: Mareep Not Captured!! Don't be discouraged, you are improving. Add an attack or two from both Pokemon, and I'll give you the little sheep.

[Leman]

Sort Regrade:

I guess the battle is good now. You tried a bit I geuss. Remember to make the battles nice and descriptive. Most of all make them two sided. I can see you are putting in some effort. I don't think most graders in the future would let this slide, but I think this is your first story. So... Mareep Captured!! I want you to know that it was really on the border still. :o

[No1Inparticular]

ThankYou Leman, I'm Not Very good At Writing Storys.

No1Inparticular